This past weekend, I visited my grandmother at her new nursing home. As I said in an earlier blog, she very recently went spiraling into dementia and has gotten down to probably no more than 65 lbs. Everyone told me to be prepared for the worst, but I still really looked forward to seeing her. She was more my mother than my mother was and I've missed her so much the last few months. So, I took my girls and met up with my Mom and we all headed up to Georgia to see her.
Her nursing home is located in a very small town three hours away from her home where her husband is staying, so he's not really there for her. She doesn't know anyone there. The general consensus is that she won't make it to 2007. So, I'd already been pretty upset. This is not how I feel she deserves to spend the last few years of her life. I understand that she needs to be in a special facility so that she doesn't hurt herself, but why couldn't it have been nearer to the people that love her?
We arrived and a nice little duplex was ours for 24 hours. The nursing home calls them cottages and they're for visiting relatives for a very reasonable price. The girls were very well behaved and had a great time playing with their toys and my mother there. But, I was very impatient to see my grandmother and dragged everyone away from the fun to go see her. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I could see every bone in her body. She can no longer walk. Bruises covered her body, because even the slightest brush can cause harm to her now. Her expression was that of a child's....one I'd never seen on her before. I'd been looking forward to her smell, because she had a very clean, sentimental smell and I knew it might be my last chance to enjoy it. But, she had lost her smell. She smelled like a dying woman.
She knew who we were. She recognized my daughters. She was happy to see us. She even remembered my husband. But, she had confused her own husband with an ex-husband who had betrayed her. She kept crying and saying how he'd had an affair with the church treasurer and slept with a lot of other women too. Immediately, we knew it was really her ex-husband but she seemed to think her current husband had done these things. She cried that he'd been spreading rumors that she was bad in bed....not exactly the sort of stuff you want to hear your grandmother say. Then, she cried because he had died that day (not true) and that she truly did love him with all her heart. I asked how long she'd been saying these things. Apparently, she's been trapped in this nightmare for weeks now and isn't likely to leave it. What could be worse than spending the last few months of your life trapped in one of your worst memories all alone? There was nothing I could do or say to free her from this Hell. I'm still in total shock from it and occasionally I find myself crying and telling God how unfair it is.
She doesn't deserve this. Her whole life she's been the hardest worker and has given and given and given. When she sold her house for $200,000, she gave half of that to a charity for Katrina victims. She could have used that money. She's never been wealthy, but she always made room in her budget towards good causes. She's been through many horrible times. In fact, her mother abandoned her when she was a small child in the middle of the Depression. Yet, my grandmother worked hard to support herself and her brother. And, she was fiercely intelligent. She made straight A's in school, despite the fact that she had to work and keep a house as well. She even conquered Latin. But, she couldn't afford college and she regretted that her whole life. Of all the people I've ever known, she deserves to pass away in the best way. She deserves to have the people who love her surround her. She deserves to only remember the pleasant things. Instead, she's all alone and grieving.
But, then, I have had some happy thoughts. My grandmother remembered me! This was unexpected. Not only did she remember me, but she told me she loved me and the part she liked about me the best is that I always want to help others. I couldn't have asked for more desired words. I often regret having children so young, because it's made getting ahead impossible. I love them with all my heart, but it's been really difficult. After my visit, I realized that if I hadn't had my daughters so soon my grandmother wouldn't have had them now. She wouldn't have felt their love and youth around her. It really did seem to help lift her spirits somewhat. Seeing her like this has also given me the realization that it really is very important to make our lives as happy as possible. Life is filled with needless pain. We don't have to file away our dreams but many of us do anyway. People keep telling me I have plenty of time to travel, but do I really? My mother kept telling herself she had plenty of time to see Alaska...after she went to college, after she got married, after her kids were in school, after she had more money, after her kids were grown, etc. Now, she realizes she missed her opportunity decades ago. So, now I'm determined to follow happiness instead of obligation. I'm determined to not fight over silly crap. It's not worth it. I only wish I could take away this needless pain from my grandmother.
Her nursing home is located in a very small town three hours away from her home where her husband is staying, so he's not really there for her. She doesn't know anyone there. The general consensus is that she won't make it to 2007. So, I'd already been pretty upset. This is not how I feel she deserves to spend the last few years of her life. I understand that she needs to be in a special facility so that she doesn't hurt herself, but why couldn't it have been nearer to the people that love her?
We arrived and a nice little duplex was ours for 24 hours. The nursing home calls them cottages and they're for visiting relatives for a very reasonable price. The girls were very well behaved and had a great time playing with their toys and my mother there. But, I was very impatient to see my grandmother and dragged everyone away from the fun to go see her. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I could see every bone in her body. She can no longer walk. Bruises covered her body, because even the slightest brush can cause harm to her now. Her expression was that of a child's....one I'd never seen on her before. I'd been looking forward to her smell, because she had a very clean, sentimental smell and I knew it might be my last chance to enjoy it. But, she had lost her smell. She smelled like a dying woman.
She knew who we were. She recognized my daughters. She was happy to see us. She even remembered my husband. But, she had confused her own husband with an ex-husband who had betrayed her. She kept crying and saying how he'd had an affair with the church treasurer and slept with a lot of other women too. Immediately, we knew it was really her ex-husband but she seemed to think her current husband had done these things. She cried that he'd been spreading rumors that she was bad in bed....not exactly the sort of stuff you want to hear your grandmother say. Then, she cried because he had died that day (not true) and that she truly did love him with all her heart. I asked how long she'd been saying these things. Apparently, she's been trapped in this nightmare for weeks now and isn't likely to leave it. What could be worse than spending the last few months of your life trapped in one of your worst memories all alone? There was nothing I could do or say to free her from this Hell. I'm still in total shock from it and occasionally I find myself crying and telling God how unfair it is.
She doesn't deserve this. Her whole life she's been the hardest worker and has given and given and given. When she sold her house for $200,000, she gave half of that to a charity for Katrina victims. She could have used that money. She's never been wealthy, but she always made room in her budget towards good causes. She's been through many horrible times. In fact, her mother abandoned her when she was a small child in the middle of the Depression. Yet, my grandmother worked hard to support herself and her brother. And, she was fiercely intelligent. She made straight A's in school, despite the fact that she had to work and keep a house as well. She even conquered Latin. But, she couldn't afford college and she regretted that her whole life. Of all the people I've ever known, she deserves to pass away in the best way. She deserves to have the people who love her surround her. She deserves to only remember the pleasant things. Instead, she's all alone and grieving.
But, then, I have had some happy thoughts. My grandmother remembered me! This was unexpected. Not only did she remember me, but she told me she loved me and the part she liked about me the best is that I always want to help others. I couldn't have asked for more desired words. I often regret having children so young, because it's made getting ahead impossible. I love them with all my heart, but it's been really difficult. After my visit, I realized that if I hadn't had my daughters so soon my grandmother wouldn't have had them now. She wouldn't have felt their love and youth around her. It really did seem to help lift her spirits somewhat. Seeing her like this has also given me the realization that it really is very important to make our lives as happy as possible. Life is filled with needless pain. We don't have to file away our dreams but many of us do anyway. People keep telling me I have plenty of time to travel, but do I really? My mother kept telling herself she had plenty of time to see Alaska...after she went to college, after she got married, after her kids were in school, after she had more money, after her kids were grown, etc. Now, she realizes she missed her opportunity decades ago. So, now I'm determined to follow happiness instead of obligation. I'm determined to not fight over silly crap. It's not worth it. I only wish I could take away this needless pain from my grandmother.
SHOUMP! SHOUMP!
got ya again
I'm not sure what to say other than *BIG HUGS* and God bless you. Your story reminded me a bit of my husband's mother passing away about five years ago. She was only 53, and he was only 22 at the time, we weren't even married yet. Sometimes life does feel very unjust.