Life always has a way of giving you a kick in the pants when you need it the most... or the least. Sucks either way.

I went to my doctor today for the results of my ultrasound....

I really thought I needed to talk about it. But I can't do it. I have to go see my mother, the clothing nazi, in an hour and try on wedding dresses and I can not be splotchy from crying. Maybe later. So just know that life sucks and I am sad.

But I got nothin but love for all of you!

xoxo
steph
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EDIT (5:18pm)

First of all, thank you so much to everyone for the love and support! You guys really do rock my world. A world which, as much as I sometimes feel like it is, is not coming to an end. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

I found my wedding dress and for one of the first times in my life, I feel truely beautiful and radiant and all that crap. Blah blah blah. Seriously though, I think my da might cry when he walks me down the aisle.
My mam hated the earrings I picked out but since she has hated my choice in style since... well birth... it really didn't suprise me. I really do love her but she drives me insane.

So.... onward to the soap opera.

The ultrasound results showed two things. One, I have a cyst bigger than my ovary on the left hand side. What this means is that the cyst is growing over the entire outside of the ovary and needs to burst or be burst. The good news is that the cyst is on the left side so if I start having massive cramps, no need to rush to the ER thinking my appendix burst! (Gotta be thankful for something right?) Two, it showed that there is a possible tumor in my uterus. The radiologist was recommending they send me for a pelvic MRI as soon as possible. What this means my friends, is that it is entirely likely that my cancer has indeed reared its ugly ugly head again. Which means hysterectomy. Now. Well... they recommend immediately. But I am so at peace with my decision that if my cancer is back, or has moved, I am going to postpone treatment in favor of trying to get pregnant. Immediately. There is no changing my mind.

The other possibilities, sadly, would be better. The other possibilities (but less likely due to my history) are fibroids or adenomyosis. Either way, something is growing in there where it shouldn't be and it is bad news. I would much rather take the lesser of the ugly evils here. At least they mean that I can try and have kids.

Days like today make me wonder why in the fuck I can't have a normal body. I have been through so much shit in my life and have overcome so much. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but on days like today, I wonder where my limit is. It is so hard to have faith on days like today. Can we just have a huge pajama party at my house and watch stupid movies with no purpose other than making me laugh? I really need it!