something is really not turning right in my head...
I always overreact and do the opposite of what i really want and then after i suffer from it...
I'm really stupid and weak and i hate myself for that.

In my music school there is a guy that i kind of went out for a few days at the beginning of the year. we did nothing else than kissing each others, but everytime i was tipsy ( coz i can do this kind of things only after a few drinks, i'm probably the most shy personn in the world). But after a few days that guy decided to stop and told me that he prefered to be friend with me coz he felt i was too much sensitive and that he knew he could not have feelings for me, that it was only sexual and blabla coz he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend...

It made me very sad, i did not knew why, coz before he told me that i did not really care of him and told myself i just wanna try to have some fun, coz the thing is, i lived for 2 years with a guy that was regularly hiting, raping, giving me medicines, locking me in and other horrible things..i lived in a total nightmare for almost 2 years and i did not even realised it was not normal...that guy was completly manipulating me and even after i managed to leave him, he still had a huge power on myself...

Last summer, i leaved PAris to go to New york to study acting...and it triggered something in my mind. For the very first time of my life i met honest, selfless people which helped me a lot to trust myself..thing that i never could do before. It made me realise that all the people i've met so far where manipulating, abusing me, and so back in Paris i changed radically my life...i moved in an other flat, changed my phone number, stoped all relationship with all the people i knew and with my familly that was constantly pulling me down as well and started everything again.

But my ex found me again, and he is still harassing me..the police can do nothing cos he is always nice when he sends me messages and leaves me voice mails on my phone. But appart from that, he used my msn, he chatted with my friends and familly pretending that it was me and that i was a hooker selling my body to buy myself drugs, says to his friends that i'm a whore, and gives them my phone number!

Well back to the guy from my school, i don't know why, but i reacted very stupidly.. after he told me he just wanna be friend, i told myself ok let's be friend. But everydays i felt more and more depressed and uncomfortable coz i had the feeling he did not really want to be friend with me.. he was always following me everywhere sitting next to me during classes, but he almost never spoke to me unless i asked him a question, he only spoke to my girlfriend who i was always with, and was constantly staring after me..it made me fell very bad and i started to think bad things about myself, that i was stupid and had no value ect ect...i started to hurt myself, to stop eating, to drink all the time...

So i first tried to avoid him and acted like if he did not existed..in order to make him understand i wanted him to stop staring at me and to go back with his friends... but he continued following me and so one day i sent him a message on his phone telling that i did not wanted him to be around me anymore.. i just told him that, nothing else.

After that he acted like if my girlfriend was his great best friend..but they had nothing in common! he is a hard-rocker, and she is a jazz singer.. i had the feeling that he was doing this only because of me. So i decided to take distance with my friend, and i changed all my shedule to not have classes with them anymore...

So now i feel very bad everytime i go in my music school, and i have become a total outcast, i almost don't speak to anybody coz i'm always afraid he is going to blend in with. And when i see him everytime my heart jumps (don't know if it's correct english).. i wish i could speak with him, but i'm too weak and i don't know what is the best to do, i think i should better not taking care of him, but sometime i wish to speak with him again coz i think i like him but i messed evrything up and i'm afraid that now he doesn't want to hear about me anymore.