um, hi. i'm not sure why this account is still here, but it will probably be gone soon.

mwah.

Inspired by his never ending quest for progress, in 2084 man perfects the ROBOTRONS:

A robot species so advanced that man is inferior to his own creation.

Guided by their infallible logic, the ROBOTRONS conclude:

THE HUMAN RACE IS INEFFICIENT AND THEREFORE MUST BE DESTROYED.

You are the last hope of mankind.

Due to a genetic engineering error, you posses superhuman powers.

Your mission is to STOP THE ROBOTRONS and SAVE THE LAST HUMAN FAMILY.

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We screwed a video projector onto the ceiling and installed the arcade game emulation software on the computer.

When I was a kid my family was poor and I couldn't afford to spend a quarter to play a game for 3 minutes. Now I can play almost every arcade game that ever existed for free. Robotron is my favorite.

Ah, progress.

Right now I'm pouring out some of my 40oz of Old English 800 for my dead homie the Tatooed Donkey. I should be pouring out some of my own urine, since the Donkey was a piss drinking hippie, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Last time I saw him he was wearing a Phish t-shirt and had cleverly disguised his drink to look like beer. He was a really great guy and it's too bad he had to die. Especially since he had the SG logo tatooed onto his leg.

The coolest thing about living here in Venice is every once in a while I'll look out the window and traffic will be stopped by a family of ducks. A mother with 5 or 6 baby ducks just walking down the street quacking. The babies are so cute.

I wish I could take the warm, dry air and sunshine with me when I go back to San Francisco. sigh.

just rolled a cigarette. nicotine buzzzzz.

living in los angeles now. not sure for how long, maybe a few weeks. tried to go to the sgla group to see what's going on down here and noticed i'm not a member anymore. i wonder if that Maxximoo character kicked me out. you can't trust these la people.

is la warm and sunny and awesome or is it hell on earth? i can't decide. maybe it's both. minimalls make my skin crawl. the suburbs extend into infinity.

i started feeling really moody yesterday and then remembered that i stopped taking the prozac i had been taking for the previous 5 days. my friend takes it so i took some just to try it out. i feel more stable today. brain chemistry is such a strange thing.

mexico was great. the sun, the lack of anything to stress out about, the friends, it all fixed my brain up rather nicely. i have to move. my house sucks and makes me depressed. i'm just not sure whether to stay in san francisco or not. i guess i'll just go wherever i can find a job....

i really need a new profile photo.

Zipolite: the heat is almost unbearable at times. sometimes as i'm lying in bed at night underneath the mosquito net sweat just streams down my face.

two weeks in a small beach town at the southern tip of mexico. two weeks of laying naked in the sun and frolicking in the pounding surf--i'm kind of tan and healthy looking now. two weeks of eating dinners at outdoor restaurants with good friends--chatting and drinking beer or mezcal in the warm night air.

it was a great two weeks, but the jellyfish came on thursday and my friends left on friday. now i'm sitting here waiting for an overnight bus to take me to acapulco. nothing about acapulco sounds very enticing to me but i'm nearby and i've never been so i say why not.

i wish jellyfish would go back to wherever it is they come from. all of a sudden, one day, wham, there's a whole bunch of little dead ones washed up on the beach and the surfers are saying they got stung 3 times today by big ones. now i'm completely paranoid about going in the water. i got stung once when i was 16 and holy fuck does it hurt worse than anything.

i've decided i don't like being illiterate so i'm reading these books:

The Fairytales of Hermann Hesse by HH
Cruddy by Lynda B
The Lexus and the Olive Tree by Thomas F
Choke by Chuck P

oh, and a gay man showed up at my door at 3am last night and wanted to kiss me. Why why why do men love me so much? It's not that girls don't like me, they do sometimes, it's just that they don't show it to anywhere near the degree that guys do. I get hit on by guys constantly. This time it was a guy from Mexico city, last week it was a guy from South Africa. No matter where I am in the world guys are after me. If only I was gay a whole universe of unlimited sex would be opened to me.

oh oh, I was going to tell the story about my social retardation, the bad French girl who followed me to Zipolite, and how my favorite superhero, the Bionicfemme, rescued me from the depths of my own self loathing--although she doesn't know it. But I've written so much and I want to eat before I get on the bus so I must say adios.

So I was sitting on one of the benches in the zocalo here in Oaxaca yesterday evening and this beautiful Oaxacan girl walks up to me and asks me if I would help her practice her english. We sat there for hours, on the bench, each of us trying to communicate using a language we didn't know how to use. My spanish was a bit better that her english, but still it was frustrating. Wonderfully frustrating. I can't think of a much better way to spend an evening really.

Being on the road again... it's like a fog is clearing from inside me head. The depression and angst and anti-social feelings I'm usually plagued with are subsiding. Instead of hiding in my room and wanting the world to go away I want to go out and meet people and look at my email inbox that I've ignored for months and reply to emails and log on to sg and say hi to everyone.

so, like, um, hi.

"Power is not a means, it is an end. If you want a picture of the future imagine a boot stamping on a human face--forever."

On my birthday the boot was kicked off the faces of twenty million people. Probably to be replaced by a fuzzy slipper stamping on their faces, but hey that's progress. Liberation doesn't happen in a day.

The best birthday present I could think of really. It made me happy.

In a fit of late night insanity I almost bought a ticket to Rio for Carnaval. They're only $420! A ticket to New Orleans costs $200. And since life in Brazil is so much cheaper I bet the total cost is almost the same.

Why go to Mardi Gras when you can go to Carnaval for the same price?

But alas, I didn't buy the ticket. Instead, inspired by Joyrider and Sabine, I ordered half a gram of 5-MeO-DIPT from jmarchemical.com. I'm in the mood to use my body as a test subject for research chemicals. Maybe I too can feel like I'm shooting a 50 foot wide, white hot laser beam out of my cock when I have an orgasm?

Speaking of chemicals that start with the number 5, I've started taking a daily dose of 5-HTP to see if it will keep me from getting depressed. 5-HTP is converted by our bodies into serotonin, the chemical in our brains that affects our mood.

The theory is that maybe my depression is partially caused by low serotonin levels so if I eat the 5-HTP I'll have more serotonin and won't get depressed.

Not sure how well it's working so far. I haven't gotten depressed since I started taking it, but I also haven't gone for 2 weeks without sunlight since I started taking it either. (sometimes I sleep from 8am to 5pm) And I've been a lot more active recently than I used to be. Going to the gym and such. So who knows.

sigh. It finally happened. 19 months ago I was laid off from my job at gay.com. Today I am broke. All my money is gone.

So now I have 2 options:

1. Face the reality that vacation is over and I have to start working again even if I can't find a decent job. I'll just have to settle for whatever lame-ass soul-sucking job I can get.

2. Refuse to face reality, borrow a few thousand dollars and go to Southeast Asia for 6 months. The cost of living is so much lower in Thailand and Vietnam than it is in San Francisco. I could live nicely for very little.

What am I talking about, options. A crappy job is not an option. Hiding my head in the sand is so much easier. I already got the loan.

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"Man, those were great weeks."

Tonight I got a sandwich from the Thai owned sandwich shop on the next block. The one that sells sandwiches with strange Thai meat substitutes like "veggie smoked duck" and "veggie chicken steak." I always get the chicken steak because it's cheaper.

Everytime I go there now I think about death. There's a small memorial that his friends made on the sidewalk near the store to remind me.

Two and a half weeks ago I was there waiting for my food and I walked to the front door. Normally I would have stood outside but it was sooo cold that night I just looked out and then sat down to play Ms. Pacman.

I was on level 3 when I heard the guy screaming. "Open this door motherfucker! I'm going to kill you!" The bus was stopped in the street right there in front of the shop and this guy was trying to pry the door of the bus open to get at the driver. He was a big guy and I'm sure he would have beaten the bus driver to death if he could have gotten in.

I went outside and saw another guy lying in the street a few feet from the bus. He was lying on his back and moving a little bit. The bus had nicked him as he and his friends were crossing the street.

The next day I read in the paper that he died in the hospital.

For most of my life I've felt invincible. Like I just couldn't die because there was so much left to do. But that's bullshit. Death is so easy. And so random.