summers a great time for some batshit crazy tv programming. all the good shows are off till september and you're stuck with a blender of reality tv. right now the only actively tivo'd show i got is top chef. i love food and competition. this love goes all the way back to watching those english dubbed iron chef back in high school. i remember sitting at wa la's house being mesmerized by these crazy ingredients and these chefs that augmented each ingredient like it was playdo. and don't get me started on the american version that just pales in comparison. i mean come on when you go from electric eel to chicken as the secret ingredient. that's like hey let me jack off to a macy's ad instead of jenna jameson. either way just can't get enough of it. i'd kill just to eat any of these dishes. food network has become the vivid to my food porn. top chef is just the quintissential cooking show but i'm gonna leave that to another blog. that was quite a long segue but there are two shows that have caught my attention lately first and foremost man vs. wild
so let me get this straight crazy military trained brit gets dropped into crazy locales like the arctic, ecuadoran jungle, high altitude desert, and has to walk his way out just by carrying the clothes on his back and a piece of flint. and did i mention his name is bear...like the animal. in the last two episodes i've seen him drink his own piss eat spiders and grubs, built a bamboo latter, make a bow and arrow and caught pirahnna in the jungle river, and did i mention drink his own piss. this guy is either crazy or a fucking genius. the only experience in my life that is closely relatable was when i was stranded at a motel 6 and had to resort to eating mcdonalds. YES MCDONALDS. it was horrible. i only had one pillow and my ipod ran out of battery so i had to use ...the radio....gasp!! i've been in therapy ever since. kidding aside. i couldn't help but notice all the crazy camera angles that this show was getting while this guy put himself in semi mortal danger. so i'm thinking while the dude is drinking urine his camera people are sipping mojitos under a nice umbrella. alas i'm still mightly impressed with what he's willing to go through for fame. next up and i wasn't expecting this to be any good but that's my underestimation of white people. its called rock of love.
brett michaels of the 80's hair band poison is in a flavor of love type show. while i watch bits of flavor of love enjoyed i love new york i don't think i was ready for another show in that vein. boy did i underestimate the power of white trash. i got home and was ready to go to bed when i flipped to what my eyes could translate as cat/ couger fights. within minutes of this show girls were piss drunk pole dancing and slutting themselves over this past his prime rock star. this was way more intense than either of the previous mentioned shows. and the range of women was pretty good you had your suicidesque girls to your straight up coke whores. this one girl her name Tiffany had fake ass tits probably in her 40's collagen injected lips kinda like a coked up brunette loni anderson ex wife to burt reynolds. anywho she come late to the party and procedes to get shit hammered after awhile no one understands her and the bouncer of the show has to kick her out but get this no more than 2 mins later she hops a fence or some bush and gets back in. i don't know if its cuz people are plastered and don't notice but they let her in without making a fuss and at this point the girls have coralled against her and she breaks out the 'i aint drink no haterade' and dust her shoulder off. lord know what she meant but hey i like her as stephen colbert says 'stick-to-it-tiveness' any ways after about half an hour of this show i'm still hooked and bang my head as to why this show hasn't been done before. i mean what is more entertaining than a bunch of ghetto minority girls clawing each other for attention.... a bunch of no shame former stripper white trash girls drunk biting slutting their way to love. all my life i've yet to date a white girl and i think deep down inside this lil voice has always told me they are buttshit crazy like unpredictable crazy. like one minute give you an amazing blow job next minute your shit is outside on the terrace cuz you mentioned her fake nails looked too fake...see atleast i can sorta predict asians mexicans and black girls but man as this show is surely supporting white girls when they want something really bad go crazy.

i was talking to my friend kris this evening and the subject of girl requirements came up. this got me thinking about my basic lowest denominator requirements that let me proceed with certain courting rituals aka dating. now i'm not talking about your big requirements like 'that girl has to be smart' or she's gotta have goals or her boobs have to be big or fine ass legs. those requirements can probably be comprimised with some other aspect of their persona. i'm talking about the small stuff the deal breakers the red flags that show you signs things might not work out. see my requirements are as followed. 1) the girl has to either watch/ love/quote seinfeld or simpsons. ideally both but one will suffice 2) she has to have watched dumb and dumber. she could dislike or like it but she has to have at least watched it. 3) the girl has to be open to having a slice of pie at any point during the day. aka there's absolutely no reason 'outside of diabetes' should anyone say no to sharing a slice of pie.
see so simple... of course i've got other requirements i'm known to be pretty fucking picky bastard but three up there are like the constitution. amendments have to be made by a majority vote in order for those three to compromised. i don't think they're outta line/ unreasonable. see i think it just show's how important i think comedy is in my life. sadly but i know i'm not the only one, i've lived my life in relation to simpsons, seinfeld, and dumb and dumber. i don't think there's one day where i don't references at least one of them and i guess its just nice if i find someone out there who can catch those references and find joy in them and maybe if i'm lucky enough bounce another one back at me

okay this is a random uncensored thought that i probably shouldn't share with anyone but as a wise man once said 'when in rome...' okay so i like, collect, watch porn. now in the last few years i've noticed an a bundance of anal sex being filmed and done. and its my perception that anal sex is getting more acceptable and practiced in society. here's my question, i'm wondering wat will happen to all those porn stars and or people that frequently practice anal sex on the recieving end when they're like 60 years old. like i know its common for old people to have uncontrollable bowel movements. and i can't help but think that a whole generation of people are gonna be reaching out for that adult diaper in 40 years. I don't know if you've heard of a condition called rectal relaspe. its literally your asshole losing its ability to tighten and so you have to wear a diaper. there are cases of it on people who have badly damaged their assholes through means left up to the imagination, and old people get it. so i guess my bottom line is if you wanna get rich in about 40 years start thinking of designer diapers and/or buy some johnson's and johnson's stock, cuz there will be an explosion of demand.

for the last couple of days i can't seem to get certain images out of my head. now i don't understand why i'm seeing these images again since i'm in a much better mental state as opposed to when these images where burned into my memory. lets just say these images had the emotional weight of a wrecking ball on my soul. i figured if i wrote a blog about it it'd help me get over this sudden relaspe into a horrible time in my life.

now honestly i pose a question to people out there who cheat on their supposed monogamous partners whether its boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. in my experience, it has got to be easier to be the person cheating than the one being cheated on. correct or not? that's my question...now i've only experienced the being cheated on part of this connundrum. and let me just say a person never really forgets. or maybe i'm waiting to forget with some else more worthwhile. its like the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind or something. can a person who cheats go through turmoil they themselves can't or won't get over. back to my state of mind of this. i think its easier for the cheater to move on with their life w/o looking back and therefore never get punished for hurting the cheatee. there's no reparations for the cheatee outside of betting on mother karma and or taking measures into their own hands and makin the cheaters life a living hell.....which takes is way more buck for the bang. so now my question is when does the cheatee know they are truly mentally over a traumatic experience. do they have to wait until some wonderful person comes along and complete redeems the cheater. that's just digging a hole for the next person that comes along. the biggest thing i learned from all this is that others are gonna do wat they are gonna do regardless of wat they tell you. and you can't be affected by their decisions or at least limit the affect it has on you. i honestly hate knowing that somewhere out there cheaters are prospering

Happy new year to all. Although its ten days in and there have been countless top ten movies list already posted. I'm gonna chime in on what I saw and what I thought were stand out movies of 2006. now 2006 was a consistent year for movies. all the top directors of our generation showcased their mastery and skill with great movies. Scorcese, speilberg, woody allen, spike lee, four legendary directors produced 4 entertaining pieces of film. And lets not forget our wacky pal Mel Gibson who release a more personal if not more brutal and violent braveheart. This year also saw the release of a new chapter in the view askew Kevin smithverse, the much hearted clerks 2. Now lately something's been compelling me to review catalogue and write about the movies I watch. I find great fun in it and its something I'm gonna refine this year. So here are the movies I watch last year. 80% of which I saw in theaters and the rest I caught up on dvd.

Hostel, munich, match point, underworld 2, matador, 16 blocks, dave chapelle block party, thank you for smoking, V for Vendetta, inside man, brick, slither, lucky number slevin, hard candy, silent hill, united 93, art school confidential, mission impossible 3, the proposition, Poseidon, Da vinci code, X-men 3, the break-up, cars, prairie home companion, lake house, nacho libre, click, superman returns, devil wears prada, scanner darkly, you me and Dupree, clerks 2, lady in the water, monster house super ex-girlfriend, little miss sunshine, Miami vice, scoop, the descent, Talladega nights, accepted, snakes on a plane, beerfest, crank, Idiocracy, the protector, last kiss, jackass 2, fearless, school for scoundrels, the departed, employee of the month, the prestige, borat, stranger than fiction, casino royale, déjà vu, the fountain, tenacious D, apocalypto, blood diamond, the holiday , rocky balboa

PHEW!! Good god I have no life I mean 67 movies considering there are only 52 weeks in the year you do the math. Either way most top ten list are the same 10 movies rearranged so I'm gonna follow a different path and just hand out 10 awards or standouts I saw last year.

'Movie that makes me never want to go cave diving' DESCENT. This movie gave me claustrophobia just thinking about it. Story about a group of women that go spelunking and get mutilated by mutant cavemonkeys. Sounds hokey but its frightfully tasteful.

'biggest 'oh fuck' moment' The DEPARTED. Easily had the most inspiring theme song (dropkick murphy's shipping off to boston) since heat of the moment was used in 40 year old virgin. This movie had me go 'oh fuck' twice along with an astonished crowd towards the end of the movie. Once in the elevator with Leonardo then after that as matt Dillon thinks he got away….thanks Scorsese. Runner up MATCH POINT

'best fuck scene in a movie' CRANK. Jason the penis stathem fucks his girlfriend in the middle of Chinatown as onlookers and a bus full of asian school girls cheer him on…and its not meaningless cuz he does it to survive!!

' a consistent feeling of impending doom or death for the cast' JACKASS 2 These guys pulled out all the stops as they up the danger zone all across the board in this sequel. And Johnny Knoxville proves that he's got giant testes by almost killing himself to a rocket and countless bull attacks. ' who blindfolds himself and has a bull come full speed'

'lesson on how to argue correctly101' THANK YOU FOR SMOKING. This lil gem of a movie was funny and meaningful. Aaron eckhart plays a big tobacco lobbyist that finds out there are more important things in life than winning an argument. Great quotes!!

'a better government through chaos' V for VENDETTA a story about how a man can literally become an idea. One of the best messages of last year.

'taught me never to bring home a 16 year old' HARD CANDY a movie I thought was a run of the mill child molester story turns out to be a feminist empowerment film where the prey is the molester… lets just say castration without representations…ouch..

'Best Sunday afternoon movie using a character from HBO's entourage' Poseidon if you rent this flick cuz I'm sure you didn't see it in theaters. The movie will be infinitely more interesting if you think Johnny drama from entourage is on a boat that's flipped over. I swear

'made me cry and punch self in dick' X-MEN 3 nuff said

'most entertaining movie of the year' CASINO ROYALE!!! Hot bond girls (eva green nude in dreamers) and great action scenes. The stunt guy for the first chase scene was like a monkey!! Can't wait to see the next one…seriously

'Biggest waste of TIME' LAKE HOUSE AND DÉJÀ VU. The former had poor dialogue and acting, which I knew was goin to happen but I thought my boy crush on Sandra bullock would carry through the day. The latter just had stupid logic, and bonkers reasoning. Both films didn't obey the back to the future laws of time travel!!!

Well there you have it my year in movies. Throw some comments my way or send me a list of your own. I'd love to know what you thought.

Lastly, if you haven't checked it out yet but IDIOCRACY is out on dvd. And I know I'm pushing this a lot more than usual but the way fox is treating this awesome easily top 5 funny movie of last year is criminal. It's made by mike judge of beavis butthead, office space, and king of the hill fame. The dvd is bare bones with no commentary or extras, so rent it and pass the word on its well worth it. I swear it's the next office space if not funnier. So there you have it smell y'all later.