May 30, 2008


i'm sore
i cant move my neck
i have scratches on my back [thanks rob and tom..cunts]
im aching all over
and despite not getting paid until 3am, i had the best night ever
sick of it all were insanely good
i was NOT expecting that
some guy who looked like zac braff wanted my booty lol
shoes were flying
pants were taken off
sexy shirtless sweaty guys were rubbing against me *moan*
got photos
got on stage with dropkick murphys for 'kiss me, im shitfaced'
kissed the lead singer of the band
did a jig with the guitarist
kissed elle in front of a packed forum crowd
danced
screamed
drank warm carlton
saw spud and ozcar
had a burger at hungry jacks
danced and sang in the street scared people on the tram
went to next
saw bryn
borrowed money off bryn..twice lol
metal room
vodka & lemonade x 5783274932828498214
tom held my legs and dragged me across the floor
danced, pokemon style
danced, retardedly
danced like a skank to bodies at 3am on the chairs
stole smokes
leapt on bekki a few times
pashed randoms
poked some dudes retarded arm vibration
got random scratch/cut on my back
chased girls with toilet paper stuck to their heels
saw liv
went to strippers with hot dude and elle
got titties and ass in my face
paid for a taxi that went nowhere
spent lots of money
had subway
froze my ass off
stole rob's drink
came home
took sleeping tablets
slept for 2 hours
smiled
end.

xx

Last night was, how should i put it...pathetic?

The band was sensational but Crafter was being a complete tool.


You could hardly call it a performance.


Throwing a bowl of fruit at people and spraying them with fire extinguisher fluid and spit does not constitute a show.


Yelling at everyone to wake the fuck up won't motivate them to jump around, it'll just encourage them to scream out things like 'git' and 'faggot'.


At once stage the crowd were yelling out songs for them to play and he screamed back 'this is my stage if you don't all shut the fuck up i'll leave'.


I think the popularity of a night of so in the big brother house went to his head.


But i suppose he was always a self important wanker.


The 'pit', if you could call it that, comprised of thirty-ish people, myself and elle included, moshing while the other few hundred who forked out for the show stood there like statues.


I don't know why, but fuckheads decided to dive on top of us when it was quite obvious we couldn't support them.


When they come from behind you and you're watching the show, it's hard to prepare. I copped four kicks to the back of the head, one to the side of the face (narrowly missing my eye) and a punch in the guts. Elle was standing behind me where there were three people trying to make a circle pit by themselves. Needless to say, she copped some shit too.


I missed the two last songs as i had to be dragged away to get ice at the back of the Hifi. They came on for 2 encores and played my two favourite songs but because emo/hardcore kids are utterly retarded, i missed them.


Thank fuck Elle video taped them for me.


I don't remember much else.


Some black guy trying to take advantage of my concussed state when i way laying down in maccas waiting for Elle to bring me nuggets.


A chick taking some photos of me for an art project.


Usually i'd be fine with having the shit kicked out of me at a show...but only when i'm tipsy/drunk and there are more than a small group of us laying into one another.


I got a sexy tshirt at least =] I'll take a pic soon.

In conclusion, and it pains me to say so...Prom Queen are dead.


Imma go ice my head.


xx

So this is the story of the day:

I went up to Cash Converters to get my iPod upgraded as the one they gave me had a faulty battery. Was walking across the road to go into Forest Hill shopping centre when this guy, who was driving, slowed down and waved to me. I smiled and said hello and he said hello back. I thought nothing of it and headed into the shopping centre. While buying my Subway i realised that he was in the food court as well, so i smiled. He was nice looking and seemed friendly enough. After buying my food i headed back to the exit of the shopping centre and found him waiting at the escalators with his phone out. I think he wanted my number or something. He gave me a weird look and started walking towards me, but i smiled and walked past him. As i was crossing the road to head home he came up next to me. I started to get a really funny feeling about him. I said, as calm and jokingly as possible "are you following me?". He replied with "no. no no no! i'm just going to get Hungry Jacks, you should join me!". This triggered something as he could have easily driven to there instead of standing around in the food court. I wasn't sure what to do, so i laughed and said "i've already gotten food". He headed off in the direction of hj's and i headed towards the lights to walk home. As i was crossing the lights i noticed that he hadn't gone to hungry jacks and was walking towards me. I tried calling a couple of friends to throw him off, but he kept following me. As i turned into the reservoir near my house i looked back and saw that he was behind me so i ran home, slammed the gate and locked myself inside. On the advice of a friend, i called the police and in two minutes there were five undercover cops at me door and searching around the backyard. They took my statement and some details.The thing that freaked me out most was how well dressed he was. Clean, expensive suit, clean shaven and nice hair. Usually when you hear about these scenarios it's someone 'drug fucked' , drunk or generally creepy looking. Thank god Georgia was here for comic relief. So yeah, that's my news for the day. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.







xx

What I Learnt:

Freedom was not an option, making it all the more desirable.

I tolerate mind games and refuse to fight back for fear of losing my love.

Some things are better left unsaid.

Love is a chameleon.

Humour isn't a positive solution and only frustrates me further.

Secrecy builds curiosity causing confusion and jealousy unresolved leading to distress and mental anguish.

Love doesn't conquer all.

One day i'll make someone very happy but unfortunately that person isn't him.

I don't blog much on here.
Mostly just bum around and perve.
Live through others...
That sort of shit.
I suppose i'll chuck some stuff up from the myspace blog.
Sick of reading the poem i wrote about Kittie.
Bitch broke my heart.
But now i'm better =]
..I think.

I regularly collect 'notes' in my phone:

"The doily is on the verge of extinction"
- Something i read in the paper that made me giggle.

"Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego?"
- Me questioning the whereabouts of the game i used to play.

Me: "That woman has a rainbow umbrella and short hair"
Brett: "That man has a beard and long hair"
Me: "Ha, well now we've seen everything!"

"I don't like Kurdt Cobain, he stole my crickets"
- Fat chick in a mental institution in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

"Atchondu"
- Nick asked me "what do you want to do?" and i was so intoxicated that i replied with "bless you"...thinking that he'd sneezed.

"I'm so unexperienced, i'm like a cat"
- Morgan on Georgia's 17th.

"History usually comes back to where it all began: you either assimilate or exterminate"
- Johnny Rotten.

"Bazuraproject.com.au"
- Hell good tv show. Look it up.

"Fucking females is for poofs"
"You'd give asprin a headache"
"Don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining"
- Layer Cake

"I don't believe in doing that. All i want is equality, freedom, understanding, tolerance and trust. It's not much to ask. Treat the way you wish to be treated. Double standards are outdated"
- Me, bitching to someone about relationships.

"Billy Ocean"
- No idea.

"Rockin' Robin"
- Song i used to sing in Primary School.

"The girls are both lesbians so they may argue over which flanno pattern looks best"
- Hooper.

"'isms, in my opinion, aren't good"
- Nick letting me know his opinion on isms.

"Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to Dylan Lewis"
- Michael and I talking on the couch.

"Never did one thing right in my life...and that takes skill"
- Samuel L Jackson.

"Somewhere between happy and a total fucking wreck"
- Rise Against/

"It's like an orgasm in your mouth and nobody is invited 'cause it's too bloody good to share"
- Me, talking to Scoff about our newly created beverage...Thomas' Manhood.





The boyfriend and i split.
About fucking time.
I was terribly unhappy.
Love is a pistol.





Got my swallows done.
I don't know if i'll colour them or not.
They're pretty as they are >.<




I've got some other pics to load up.
Hope this works..






lol @ belt buckle.


That's it for now.
I have homework to do =]
xx

you're ugly when you cry
it's what i love about you
convulsing
you will always be my sister
my partner in crime
you've pushed me away
twisted and spiteful
i rebound in utter hatred
letting you go
nothing left
it's what you need
you crave the things i can't deliver
i beat myself into submission
you deserve more
better
your future is calm after the storm
i'm the lightening and i roar in silence
wishing to be the thunder like him
i'll never be that strong
that powerful
but i can ignite even the weakest of trees
don't forget how strong you are, little tree
flourish and grow while you have the chance
.i love you.






Edit: What sort of a fucking asshole makes the love of their life push her best friend away? How come one person gets all the power while the other cowers and obeys? I understand that love is addictive, that it makes us act in odd ways.. but this is lunacy. Relationships are not only about sacrifice and forgiveness, but equality. My parents have been married for a fucking long time now and mum says it's because she and dad are equals. They never talk down to one another and always make decisions together. It's fucked that unfair ultimatums are set and power-trips enforced.


I am Flick's body, shaking with rage.

Went and saw the Bratz movie with some mates.
Dressed like absolute fuckheads:





Saw Funeral For A Friend with Michael & Duane.
God those boys crack me up!



Bought some new clothes:





And yeah...things are good =]

I'm very hung over and have no SG friends =[

x0x

This needs to come out before i explode all over the monitor. Dad's already had to clean up one big mess today [Cinta took a dump on the carpet], so i'd hate to make him get the bucket out again.


At the start of August the year before last i checked myself into Delmont Private Hospital. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Could hardly hold my eyes open.

For the 8 months before that i'd worked at a swimming pool kiosk and in the month leading up to my hospitalisation i'd worked myself to the bone. I was stressed out and beside myself. I had hardly slept in that month and contemplated suicide constantly. The only reason i didn't try was because i didn't want to let anybody down. Knowing how hurt i felt seeing the disappointment in my parents eyes, i thought that i couldn't possibly quit and return to being basically nothing. Giving up was not an option.

So when i went into them that Sunday morning to ask them to book me a room at the hospital, i felt as though i had died. They were so understanding and concerned. I guess deep down the only person i was really scared of letting down was myself.

Duane came with me when i signed in but i don't really remember what happened after that. I slept for a few days. I was given sleeping tablets and some valium for in case i had a panic attack. There was a blade in my bag but i never even looked at it. This was about me getting better.

After a couple of days i let people come and see me. I started to feel a little better and regained some strength.

After a while i booked myself out and called up my old work, as i'd been reassured many times that they would love to have me back when i was feeling better. Alas, that was not the case. The company had closed down and i couldn't get onto them for a reference. I was jobless and confused.

Still feeling semi-messed up, i moved out of home and spent a year doing basically jack shit. I volunteered at places to try and get my confidence up, but never stayed long.

Christmas 2005 i od'ed on sleeping tablets and spent a few days in bed with Chris taking care of me. Every few weeks my anxiety got worse. It got to the point when i'd cancel on my best mates just to sit at home alone. I didn't watch tv. I didn't really eat. I just read books and wrote letters to people. When i forced myself to go out somewhere i got in a bad mood or turned shy and couldn't talk to anybody. In my head i knew this wasn't me, and my friends knew it too, but they let me deal with it my own way knowing that i'd snap out of it eventually.

Late last year i moved back home, as i was so lonely and needed to be with Brodie and my brother...the two constants in my life. I know that even when i have nobody in the world, they will still be there for me. Since moving home i've slowly started to build a foundation for myself. I've gotten in touch with old friends, made new ones and started seeing a psychologist. The nursing thing fell through, but that was something i think i needed to do in order to realise what professions aren't for me. In the last couple of months i've felt stronger and determined. I've lost some of my anxiety and hopefully it will stay that way.

I was scared of how i would react if i didn't get this job at Target, but i succeeded and started work at 8am this morning. My mind has been buzzing with 'what ifs' and confusion, but the people are nice and the place has a good vibe. I don't know how long i'll be there for. I've spent months starting things and then dropping them right when i get into the swing of things.

I guess the hardest thing will be for me to continue with my work after my first big fuck up or hurdle.A couple of people seem to think it's funny to joke about how long i'll last before i'm back on centrelink, but i'm not laughing. If you're not going to support me you can rack off.

I know that there's only one way to fall back down, and that's if i give up on myself...and i'm not going to. Not now.


Flick-Vicious


"I haven't got it all figured out quite yet...even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be...if I should fall to the bottom of the end I'll be one step back to you... trying to find my way the best that i know how"

Got them =]
Booked in for more!!





It felt so good.
Not over the big vein though *haha*
x0x

Getting my tattoo tomorrow.
And a touch up on my first one =]
Pretty excited but a little nervous.
x0x