A lot of this has been on my mind lately, probably because of Valentine's Day and the deluge of related imagery. I was actually responding to someone else's blog on another site and ran over a bit too long, so I thought I'd flesh out what I have to say here. Now, I'll be the first to acknowledge that there *might* be a bit of "willful defiance" in my tone, sort of a "he doth protest too much" concerning my stance on relationships, but I really don't think so. I'm open minded enough to admit this possibility without subscribing to it though.
Anyway, my mother is always pressuring me to meet someone (and by "someone" I mean a woman, she has no idea I'm bisexual), and/or to settle down with someone -in particular, she says she wants to see her grandbabies before she dies- and she doesn't see anything wrong with this line of thinking at all. The implication (to me) is that she thinks having a partner is like owning a pet or a car: that they're there simply to serve a purpose -in this case, making babies- but I just don't think that way, never have (probably because I tend to instinctively reject most of the "lessons" my particular culture imbued me with). *If* I ever end up with a lifelong companion, female or male (and *that* would be a fun convo to have with my lapsed Catholic momma) children aren't necessarily a given. I can barely take care of myself, at 28, so God help me if I have children! (And since I'm an atheist, God's help wouldn't be terribly useful...)
But I rarely see my mother anymore; she lives 70 miles away and I'm always "too busy" to visit. Regardless -and this is the main reason, I think, why this issue of finding a girlfriend has come up so often lately- between Facebook photos and her own sporadic visits to Greensboro, my mom has noted that I've taken to "dressing up" wherever I go (if a blazer and jeans can be considered "dressy"), and she's comforted by this because she thinks it represents a shift in my traditionally pessimistic self image and my commitment to meeting a "nice" girl. She's only half right. I really only dress up for myself. I know my vanity isn't particularly endearing or attractive -in fact from what I hear it's quite annoying- but I've spent the majority of my life believing I was unattractive, just flat out ugly, and now I *don't* believe that, in fact I think I'm quite handsome, and I like to show myself off. Not to find a mate, or even to show anyone "what they're missing" (not much, to be honest; I'm broke all the time, I smoke and drink too much, and I'm really quite insensitive) but because I like the image I see when I look in the mirror. I feel like I'm just going through a "phase" to be honest, that the proverbial pendulum has swung from "utter self loathing" to "utter vanity" but, hopefully, as I get older I'll probably settle somewhere in-between.
And of course mom asks if I ever get lonely, and of course I do, everyone does, regardless of their relationship status, but as far as that goes -and this is going to sound callous but read me out- whenever I feel *really* lonely, I actually just break down and go out on a date with someone who has shown interest in me (and most of us do have people interested in us, I think, at just about any given time, if we just look hard enough...).
What I mean by that is, with very few exceptions, I find that the time and energy required to break out of my routine and pursue a relationship are rarely worth the benefits. Companionship? I have plenty of good, close friends, I actually feel blessed in this way. Romance? I can read a book, and frankly I think it's overrated, or at least, the typical interpretation of romance that is sold to us is overrated (if not flat out unrealistic). Sex? Depending on how important that is for you, we live in a society where "friends with benefits"/"fuck buddies" are quite common (though even this, I find, usually carries its own complications). Most of my mother's generation was already married and getting settled down at my age, but all those pushing me and my peers to do the same should look again: how many of those marriages were stable? How many ended in divorce? How many are littered with instances of infidelity? Now multiply those negatives, because we live in an age of entitlement AND readily available communication. Marrying your high school sweetheart is not only unbelievably optimistic in this day and age, but actually downright impractical. You'll ALWAYS have more opportunities to meet new people. My mom didn't have access to social networking sites, online dating, cheaper, easier, quicker transportation -she never even went to college. Beyond that, the simple truth is this: the person we are at 20 is very rarely the same person we'll be at 30. Or 40. That was true even then. What are the chances that you'll *really* "evolve together?" Especially with so many more options out there for men and women? What if we never stop "evolving"? What if we don't want to?
I'm not resistant to the idea of life long companionship, but I am very much against the idea of settling down. The distinction might seem fine, but it's there just the same. I'll have an ideal partner, someone I feel I can grow with, who can grow with me, or nothing at all (or, more likely, a string of "less-than-ideal" relationships), and in the meantime I think I'd rather just enjoy my single (mis)adventures, enjoy what's around me, versus lamenting what I don't have.
Anyway, my mother is always pressuring me to meet someone (and by "someone" I mean a woman, she has no idea I'm bisexual), and/or to settle down with someone -in particular, she says she wants to see her grandbabies before she dies- and she doesn't see anything wrong with this line of thinking at all. The implication (to me) is that she thinks having a partner is like owning a pet or a car: that they're there simply to serve a purpose -in this case, making babies- but I just don't think that way, never have (probably because I tend to instinctively reject most of the "lessons" my particular culture imbued me with). *If* I ever end up with a lifelong companion, female or male (and *that* would be a fun convo to have with my lapsed Catholic momma) children aren't necessarily a given. I can barely take care of myself, at 28, so God help me if I have children! (And since I'm an atheist, God's help wouldn't be terribly useful...)
But I rarely see my mother anymore; she lives 70 miles away and I'm always "too busy" to visit. Regardless -and this is the main reason, I think, why this issue of finding a girlfriend has come up so often lately- between Facebook photos and her own sporadic visits to Greensboro, my mom has noted that I've taken to "dressing up" wherever I go (if a blazer and jeans can be considered "dressy"), and she's comforted by this because she thinks it represents a shift in my traditionally pessimistic self image and my commitment to meeting a "nice" girl. She's only half right. I really only dress up for myself. I know my vanity isn't particularly endearing or attractive -in fact from what I hear it's quite annoying- but I've spent the majority of my life believing I was unattractive, just flat out ugly, and now I *don't* believe that, in fact I think I'm quite handsome, and I like to show myself off. Not to find a mate, or even to show anyone "what they're missing" (not much, to be honest; I'm broke all the time, I smoke and drink too much, and I'm really quite insensitive) but because I like the image I see when I look in the mirror. I feel like I'm just going through a "phase" to be honest, that the proverbial pendulum has swung from "utter self loathing" to "utter vanity" but, hopefully, as I get older I'll probably settle somewhere in-between.
And of course mom asks if I ever get lonely, and of course I do, everyone does, regardless of their relationship status, but as far as that goes -and this is going to sound callous but read me out- whenever I feel *really* lonely, I actually just break down and go out on a date with someone who has shown interest in me (and most of us do have people interested in us, I think, at just about any given time, if we just look hard enough...).
What I mean by that is, with very few exceptions, I find that the time and energy required to break out of my routine and pursue a relationship are rarely worth the benefits. Companionship? I have plenty of good, close friends, I actually feel blessed in this way. Romance? I can read a book, and frankly I think it's overrated, or at least, the typical interpretation of romance that is sold to us is overrated (if not flat out unrealistic). Sex? Depending on how important that is for you, we live in a society where "friends with benefits"/"fuck buddies" are quite common (though even this, I find, usually carries its own complications). Most of my mother's generation was already married and getting settled down at my age, but all those pushing me and my peers to do the same should look again: how many of those marriages were stable? How many ended in divorce? How many are littered with instances of infidelity? Now multiply those negatives, because we live in an age of entitlement AND readily available communication. Marrying your high school sweetheart is not only unbelievably optimistic in this day and age, but actually downright impractical. You'll ALWAYS have more opportunities to meet new people. My mom didn't have access to social networking sites, online dating, cheaper, easier, quicker transportation -she never even went to college. Beyond that, the simple truth is this: the person we are at 20 is very rarely the same person we'll be at 30. Or 40. That was true even then. What are the chances that you'll *really* "evolve together?" Especially with so many more options out there for men and women? What if we never stop "evolving"? What if we don't want to?
I'm not resistant to the idea of life long companionship, but I am very much against the idea of settling down. The distinction might seem fine, but it's there just the same. I'll have an ideal partner, someone I feel I can grow with, who can grow with me, or nothing at all (or, more likely, a string of "less-than-ideal" relationships), and in the meantime I think I'd rather just enjoy my single (mis)adventures, enjoy what's around me, versus lamenting what I don't have.
Also, parents thinking their children "owe" them grandkids, a lifestyle choice, or anything really, is horrible, I think. Parents should just want their children to be happy and healthy, bottom line.
Btw, it's cool that you dress well. It shows that you have pride and self-respect. Too many people go around looking like slobs nowadays.