Holy Shit!!! That was a FAST 14 months! Its frightening that time has actually gone by that fast.

30. sighhhh. (and an exhausted "shit" with that last inch of breath)

Im actually really happy these days. I can't complain. Im just assuming thats why that year and 2 months went by faster than dog shit.

Hmm. What did I do? ... Ok, I hate this shit but I did the math real quick. I did 30 (which is roughly how long each month is (right? obviously) then I did times 14 (months since my last post) And that came out to 420. Dont get me wrong. I really dont care for that. Stoner bro code...

I started smoking weed about a year and a half ago. Before that I was straight edge... well. I actually started drinking first. Thats what broke it. THEN I started smoking weed. I've also tried out some other things when they came my way. I feel good about it. I learned about being "straight edge" when I was 12 years old. Before that all I had ever done was smoke a few cigarettes and drink half a beer. I went through all those years where people get loaded and fucked up cause theyre young or whatever the case. So 12 to lets say 28. 16 years, not so bad of a run.

Now Im older and came into drugs in a way I wouldnt have considered. Taking drugs is really kinda just what people say. They really do (for lack of a better phrase) expand my mind. I enjoy pulling away from consciousness. I enjoy the ride. And since Im older I can afford drugs that are apparently good quality and dont really have any day after effects. I usually wake up feeling good. If I wasnt with my wife Im assuming I would be getting with more woman. I only say that cause I feel more confident and entertaining when Im high. And Im sure I could convince a few girls to touch my groin when im in that state. But, its fitting cause my wife is what gave me the ability to leave the house with out panic attacks. So.. I guess if I rethink it. I most likely wouldnt be fucking more. Id just be inside getting thinner and more fucked up out of my mind with mental illness and drugs... sure to kill me pretty quick without a doubt. Which... I could take or leave.

Lets see. When i first found suicidegirls.com it blew my mind to be honest. It was all fucking gorgeous woman with the kind of style that resinated with me. I had been "punk, metal, skater, straight edge" bullshit before I found it. so it was wild to find it all congealed in one place. When i found it I was really in a bad state mentally, you know. I was conflicted. I mean I was splitting. Pulling hard and giving everything up not to be in pain every minute. You loose a lot when you have nothing to loose ( cleaver?) Its such a horrible place to be mentally. I dont normally give it any recognition.... but mental illness (which seems to be my favorite topic on this website for some reason? :whatever is horrible. I hated it.

Anyways. I met stacey who was a woman I feel in love with in San Diego. She was a style of woman who at the time unknown to me, that was something I was into. When something like that out of nowhere comes into your life it rocks the fuck out of your foundation. Finding someone that holds all these traits that holds your heart is a very uncomfortable and extremely exposed position to be in.

She was no good. and thats for the best. She made good sport out of me and fucked me over repeatedly.

Now I found true love. It was a shitty path to get there but to have someone I cant get enough of. After being together for almost 2 years and still I feel like Im learning more about her each day... its wild.

Anyways. When I found SG i was nervous to use it. It took me almost 6 months to even sign up for it. weird I know. I had it built up in my mind as something else. One of the first girls I came across was James. She was straight edge. into hardcore (i never cared about hardcore but with all the punk-skateboard-straight edge shit its all in the same vain) she was (is) beautiful. Covered in good work. So we started emailing back and fourth. I wanted so bad to just be like "are you seeing someone. lets go out some time." but it was over the internet and she lived in Conneticut (i grew up in Massachusetts so also exciting to find someone close) But... anyways... she was in a relationship or was coming out of one or something. It never panned out and the emails stopped coming in as frequent.

Now when I come on the site i dont feel the same. Just not the same passion behind it. ehh. who cares.

I know theres still a lot of really awesome people on this site. I dont come on very often but to just snoop around every 8 months or so so its not as easy to find.

I dont know how to end this so Im just going to stop. Im gunna stick with this site and see where it goes in the next few to several years.

also I just changed my profile to say "more to do and less to say".... ha. Ive said too much.

Its been almost 4 years to-the-day since Ive posted on here. I think within those past 4 years Ive only logged on twice maybe 3 times.

Everything in my world has been slowly changing... for the better.

Life:
I was lucky enough to land the most amazing woman I have ever known. She has everything I ever wanted in a person and rocks the shit out of my world. We're in love and thats a first for me.

Mania:
I finally got a proper diagnosis in November of 2009.

After living in an extended period of a painful "mixed state" with extreme paranoia and again more psychotic idealizations I was, at first, reluctantly admitted to a mental hospital outside of Chicago. It was my fourth hospitalization and second longest stay at 11 days (14 days being my longest stay)
It had been around 4 years since my last hospitalization. This time around I was way more receptive to treatment, therapy, group therapy and the biggest part which is finally getting on the best working meds for me that my mind finally responds well to.

so manic bi-polar with agoraphobia, mild hallucinations and occasional heavy social anxiety. Im still working on being able to go to the grocery store by myself and being able to leave the house on a regular basis without panic and fear.

At the hospital one of the therapists keyed me into a wild idea which was boredom and isolation will always result in another mixed state, a manic episode, and or another hospitalization.

tattoo:
Just got a few new ones and have appointments for a few more.

I cant find any good artists that have the style i like around here. so I have a lot more traveling to do ahead of me... hurray!

car:
im in the works of getting my 62 meteor to be shipped down here to Florida (where im living till 2012) so i can make it a street creeper and all the badass shit. its all money though so its a slow process.

art:
Im rebuilding my motion graphics website to gear it more towards abstract and experimental video pieces and focus less on the actual horse shit business side of video stuff... since i only do it freelance now. Im siked to have a website thats more about video art than just a site to get work.

I have a few painting projects im undertaking, as well as a whole series of mixed media projects. Im busting ass hard on these 3 things cause someday id like to be a part of a show where i can show not just painting and mixed media but also experimental videos. but thats really only a dream right now... if it happens, it happens.

Thats it for now.

OH. i also started a flickr page. when things level out im gunna upload more skateboard stuff art projects and tattoo type things.... when they happen.

and i just uploaded this video to the site


its my last (unfinished) skate video from 2001. during making it i got hit by an SUV which destroyed my knee and had lost all my sponsors.

so making steps again...


UPDATE:
Thanks to all the people who have expressed their best wishes, concerns, hopes and kind words (this is mostly in response to the mental health stuff). Its been at times a real shit road along the way but being open and upfront is very helpful and therapeutic for me. I know its a lot to take in and is a major turn off to many (even "open minded") people. But I guess thats all just a part of being alive.

Thanks everyone

this tree
plus
this bird

= new tattoo...
Greg Simkins. http://www.imscared.com

I started a new job this saturday. Its a temp job so my problems have been put on hiatus for the next 3 weeks.
I got a hold of this movie and am hoping to watch it soon. Should be funny.

CAW!!!

I took this one the other day. I love watching crows... they really pump my nads.



And heres my fuzzy sidekick standing next to a bird foot I made out of galvanized wire. clearly inspired by the photo.

I donated a car to MADD today.
I finished my last motion graphics piece 10 months ago.
The last time I went to church was 12 years ago. And was for a funeral.

I've never been drunk
I've never been high

I've said the word cunt in front of my mother.

I've lived in 10 different apartments/houses.
I've had 6 cars.
I've been skateboarding since 1988.

I've only left the US once.

I've never eaten beef jerky.

I've stolen money.
I've been suspended from school.
I was held back twice.

I've had severe panic attacks.

I've been to death metal concerts by myself.
I've been hit by an SUV.

I've never cheated on a girlfriend.
I've been friends with one person for over 8 years.
I've sold pieces of artwork.

I've had my license suspended twice.
I've lived in 6 different cities.
I had a mohawk from ages 12 to 14
I wanted tattoos when i was younger but was told it was a phase.

The longest period I went without talking to my father was over 2 years.
I've cried thinking about my father.
I've been to more than 5 therapists in my life time.

I've jumped off of 8 bridges.

I thought I was in love once.
I've had my heart really badly broken.

I've had sleepless nights.
I've had horrifying days.

I've wanted to be myself.
I haven't been truly happy in a very long time.

im trying to upload a photo and the shit just doesn't work.

i kind of get the impression that this site is really one-sided. it really reminds me a lot of the way things are in the real world. certain people getting preferential treatment.... really for no reason. It sure gets my goat sometimes.

Im slowly plugging away at becoming a minimalist. I've been selling off my shit piece by piece. I don't need any of it. no one does. it is the best fucking feeling on earth. not being tied down to things we dont really need to get by.

"if you can't eat it, and you can't fuck it, you might as well piss on it"