A friend just asked why I don't date, and so I pointed him in the direction of an old blog I wrote on dating, and why you should never, ever, ever, in a million years, ever, ever do it.

Suffice to say, I'm ideologically opposed to it. At the end of the day, if I want to have dinner with the primary purpose of being judged, I can just go round to my mom's, so it's surplus to requirements anyways.

Anyhow, my first point on the aforementioned post is this:

My friend subsequently asked what the "Queen's English rules of engagement" were.

As it happens, I once wrote a chapter for a friend's book about dating British Blokes, which more or less covers things...The book was billed as "The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Better Flirt, a Tougher Chick, and a Hotter Girlfriend--and to Living Life Like a Rock Star," and was written specifically for girls who want to meet boys, but nevertheless gives a fairly accurate overview of the rules of cricket so to speak. Also, please excuse the tone, which was intended for a somewhat different audience...

British Men: How to flirt with, seduce and land a bloke from Blighty

The phrase "dating a British man" is misleading, as in essence it's an oxymoron. The English don't date per se, the term being considered rather crass and, well, American. Though the English may make use of American-style computer dating websites in private, in public even the use of the word "dating" is frowned upon. To get around the embarrassment caused by the "D" word, the English use the euphemism "going-out," which is less direct and therefore far less threatening.

Since the whole "going-out" thing is so painfully embarrassing for Brits, the use of social lubricants and disinhibitors such as alcohol is essential (otherwise the nation would quite likely go the way of the dinosaurs). Consequently, if you're looking to hook up with a British man (or "bloke" as they're called in "Blighty") the best place to start is where copious amounts of said lubricants are consumed, i.e., down the pub.

Once down the pub, the way to flirt with a British bloke is by not flirting. Aggressive American-style flirting would just put the fear of god into your intended, and would likely have the opposite effect as the one desired. A basic knowledge of football and British TV is essential when breaking the ice, since an opening line such as "can you explain the offside rule" will likely be more successful than an obnoxiously obvious "do you come here often" (Brits are rarely direct with their verbiage, and are notorious for taking the scenic route whenever possible). British pub conversation is highly competitive, so get you wit on if you want to be noticed; He or she who jokes best wins. Once you've struck up a good conversation, relax and let the beer take care of the rest.

The mating ritual of a British bloke generally involves him getting rat-arsed (very, very drunk) in the general vicinity of a potential mate before "copping off" (disappearing for some sexual interaction) with them at a point when all inhibitions have disappeared along with the beer. If you're lucky, he'll be drunk enough to ask for your number yet sober enough to remember it, which means you're well on your way to taking the relationship to the next level.

Since Brits don't date, men may arrange to be in the vicinity of you and a pint of beer at a future point by asking if you fancy going out somewhere at some predetermined time. Just remember, in responding to such a proposition, never, ever, mention the "D" word. Indeed you may only be certain whether such an appointment is a date after the fact, and even then it's not always clear, but that just goes with the territory and is one of life's great mysteries.

The rules of engagement between the sexes are subtly different across the pond. If a man and woman share conversation on neighboring barstools repeatedly, then the couple concerned are considered to be an "item" (a couple). This happens by default, with no American-style discussions of exclusivity, which would be beyond embarrassing for a Brit. Indeed there's really no such thing as non-exclusive dating as far as Brits are concerned (though one-off drunken shags are always excusable).

Once you have your Brit bloke keep him happy by learning a few essential skills. Once the sex is over, you'll need to locate the kettle and put it on. Put a tea bag into a pre-warmed pot (if available) or mug and pour boiling water onto it. Serve with milk and sugar to taste, saving the honey for your next bout of foreplay.