Signing up to a number of dating sites as of late, and I ran into her profile again. The one I had dated for over a year and a half before she politely informed me that she wanted to date other guys while still fucking me.
I feel like a pile of dog shit that has been stepped on, and then unceremoniously picked at and scraped out from between the crevices of a shoe with a random stick. I am absolutely devastated. Seeing her photo practically ripped the heart from my chest. I thought I was "over" her. But apparently I'm not.
When I started dating over two years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Then I met her. Now I know what I want in a woman. I want her, minus her desire to break the cycle of "serial monogamy" in her life (as she puts it). But I can't have her the way I want. And there is no way I can change her.
Most guys wouldn't bat an eye at her. But I loved the size and shape of her. The smell of her. Her voice. The way she laughed. The way she smiled and sweetly said my name each and every time she saw me. The way she held me after making love. How she would reach out and hold my hand about half way through our walk the very few times she wanted to go to the park together.
I was good to her. I treated her with love and respect. I was openly affectionate with her in public without being raunchy. And the sex was so very, very good for both of us. She would tell me nearly every time that I was the best lover that she had ever had. And she was the best lover I had ever had.
And the way she said "Please, let me keep this man" over and over the last two times we made love...
But something does not make sense to me. Something has been nagging at me since the moment she called me to inform me that she had found someone else that she wanted to date. Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship that they openly admitted was a good thing?
Why?
The only thing I can rationally come up with was how horrible her marriage was, which ended about a year and a half before I met her. She said she hadn't really dated much before she met me. She said she wanted to date. But she never really wanted to date me.
Is that it? Was I her rebound guy? Was I doomed to fail with her before I even had a chance?
Part of me so deeply wishes that, in a few months time, she will call me and ask me back to her. And part is also terrified that she will. Because I think I know how I will answer. That I will take her back, and the cycle of break-up/make-up will start again. Because I am a masochist. And a dark part of me deep inside actually enjoys the pain. I secretly like it, which terrifies me and I wish it would go away.
I tried dating a couple people over the last couple weeks. I tried to lose myself in them. But I simply cannot make a connection, even though two of them were deeply into me. It is selfish and unfair of me to continue dating people right now. Because all I do is compare each prospective date to her.
I so desperately want to hear her voice on the other end of the phone right now. I want to hear her sweet voice breathlessly, sobbingly say she is sorry, and that she wants me to come to her this very moment. But I know it won't happen. Because she is probably sleeping with someone else this very moment. And that thought is what I will, unfortunately, carry me to a fitful sleep filled with visions of her with someone else.
I truly am pathetic.
I feel like a pile of dog shit that has been stepped on, and then unceremoniously picked at and scraped out from between the crevices of a shoe with a random stick. I am absolutely devastated. Seeing her photo practically ripped the heart from my chest. I thought I was "over" her. But apparently I'm not.
When I started dating over two years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Then I met her. Now I know what I want in a woman. I want her, minus her desire to break the cycle of "serial monogamy" in her life (as she puts it). But I can't have her the way I want. And there is no way I can change her.
Most guys wouldn't bat an eye at her. But I loved the size and shape of her. The smell of her. Her voice. The way she laughed. The way she smiled and sweetly said my name each and every time she saw me. The way she held me after making love. How she would reach out and hold my hand about half way through our walk the very few times she wanted to go to the park together.
I was good to her. I treated her with love and respect. I was openly affectionate with her in public without being raunchy. And the sex was so very, very good for both of us. She would tell me nearly every time that I was the best lover that she had ever had. And she was the best lover I had ever had.
And the way she said "Please, let me keep this man" over and over the last two times we made love...
But something does not make sense to me. Something has been nagging at me since the moment she called me to inform me that she had found someone else that she wanted to date. Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship that they openly admitted was a good thing?
Why?
The only thing I can rationally come up with was how horrible her marriage was, which ended about a year and a half before I met her. She said she hadn't really dated much before she met me. She said she wanted to date. But she never really wanted to date me.
Is that it? Was I her rebound guy? Was I doomed to fail with her before I even had a chance?
Part of me so deeply wishes that, in a few months time, she will call me and ask me back to her. And part is also terrified that she will. Because I think I know how I will answer. That I will take her back, and the cycle of break-up/make-up will start again. Because I am a masochist. And a dark part of me deep inside actually enjoys the pain. I secretly like it, which terrifies me and I wish it would go away.
I tried dating a couple people over the last couple weeks. I tried to lose myself in them. But I simply cannot make a connection, even though two of them were deeply into me. It is selfish and unfair of me to continue dating people right now. Because all I do is compare each prospective date to her.
I so desperately want to hear her voice on the other end of the phone right now. I want to hear her sweet voice breathlessly, sobbingly say she is sorry, and that she wants me to come to her this very moment. But I know it won't happen. Because she is probably sleeping with someone else this very moment. And that thought is what I will, unfortunately, carry me to a fitful sleep filled with visions of her with someone else.
I truly am pathetic.
Last night's date was better than expected.
An easy, simple dinner. Good conversation (we very much think alike in a lot of ways).
She's cute. Shorter than me (I like that).
She said she'd like to see me again before I had a chance to say the same of her.
And she kissed me. And accepted another when I pulled her close.
We'll see.
An easy, simple dinner. Good conversation (we very much think alike in a lot of ways).
She's cute. Shorter than me (I like that).
She said she'd like to see me again before I had a chance to say the same of her.
And she kissed me. And accepted another when I pulled her close.
We'll see.
Against my better judgement, I'm going to have one last date tonight.
I had agreed to meet her some weeks ago. She had been living in another state for a while due to work. She's cute in her profile photos. And we are quite compatible as far as statistics on OKC goes. But I'm not holding my breath.
The only expectation I have is that it will have been a good online conversation, but she will not be interested in anything beyond that. Dinner, drinks and a "thanks for an interesting evening"... And that's about it.
She's going on a trip to southeast asia for a few weeks. So I won't know if she's interested in seeing me again until after Christmas.
I had agreed to meet her some weeks ago. She had been living in another state for a while due to work. She's cute in her profile photos. And we are quite compatible as far as statistics on OKC goes. But I'm not holding my breath.
The only expectation I have is that it will have been a good online conversation, but she will not be interested in anything beyond that. Dinner, drinks and a "thanks for an interesting evening"... And that's about it.
She's going on a trip to southeast asia for a few weeks. So I won't know if she's interested in seeing me again until after Christmas.
A note in advance: This is not a pitty-party grab for attention. This is just a semi-private rant to get it down somewhere my relatives and "friends" won't see it. It is also directly applicable to those of us right around hitting 40. I'm not angry or bitter, I'm just annoyed.
...
After almost two years of constant dating, I absolutely hate it. It's an endless cycle of quasi getting to know someone over a date or three, get laid a couple times and then move onto the next person. It's never enough to actually really get to know someone and what they like beyond what's on the surface. Because they don't want an actual relationship.
And I completely loath Internet dating. What I hate most is the whole "ebay shopping" approach of internet dating. "Make your selection and hope you don't get 'outbid' with desirable attributes." I like meeting people. I just don't like the whole endless "interview" process and false expectations that everyone involved seems to have. You can never truly know if someone is right the first time you meet them. You can usually figure out if they are truly wrong, though.
The worst part is the fact that everyone I've met has lied outright in their profiles about what they really want in a relationship. I keep going for the women who describe in painstaking detail how they want a long-term relationship. But what I find is that they have either never had a relationship last longer that a year or two because they are too selfish and self-absorbed to really share themselves or their space with someone else. Or because they have just gotten out of a long-term relationship or a decade-plus long marriage and, deep down, don't want to get bogged-down with seeing just one single person again; they want to be free.
THAT is the most infuriating part. They say they want one thing, but truly want another. They are not just lying to every potential partner, they are lying to themselves. And every time I meet these women, they complain to me on the first date how horribly shallow and disposable men treat women. Look at yourself, sweetheart.
And then there are the women who are looking for some "ideal" partner or lover. These 30 to 40-somethings want the ripped stud to bed them for a night. They want male underwear-model hot guys only. I know this because I have been told to my face several times that I'm not "buff enough" (in so many words) to date them.
Not buff enough... Really?
There is a different between how someone's body looks and what they can actually do. I'm strong. Very strong. I used to lift and safely carry my ex wife up stairs over my shoulder, and she was 5'-9" and weighed close to 180lbs (Don't judge -- she was a busty girl, carried herself very well and was hot in her own way). I regularly lift and carry rolls of paper and fabric that weigh as much as a telephone pole or thick tree. By myself.
That brings me to the ex wife. We split because she was more interested in other women. No big deal. Besides her drifting gender attraction, we had realized we were pretty much just friends a long time ago. It's a bizarre thing to wake up one morning, and realize you are sleeping with someone who is basically just a roommate who happens to be the mother of your child. We're still friends (really). But the love has been gone a long, long time.
And then there are the commitment-phobes. Yes, they exist in the farer sex. Especially around my age group.
I had been seeing someone, off & on, who fits this description to a tee. We'll date for a month or two. Then, predictably, she'll break it off. I finally got an explanation the last time this happened. It's because she was starting to fall in love with me. She's terrified that I'll want to interject myself into her daily routine, her space, her life. All she really wants is someone who'll come over at her beck & call, fuck her brains out, then leave.
She was the best sex I ever had. I won't take her calls anymore because she's too fucking neurotic for her own good.
I don't want to move in with anyone. Not right now. I want a relationship that grows organically, on its' own merits. With one woman. If it eventually means co-habitation, that's fine. But I don't think that's a realistic prospect for people who just met, and who have very big, involved, busy lives.
I'm not perfect. I honestly don't think that a "perfect" person exists. Maybe I'll find someone "perfect for me" eventually. But they will likely think they are a deeply flawed human being. Everyone is different and anyone can be just desirable enough for the right person. Maybe not me and maybe not the next person down the line. But someone.
What am I looking for? Good question.
I want a relationship, not an endless parade of fuck-buddies.
After spending nearly half a decade photoshopping content and building websites for the adult industry, I've grown to appreciate a very wide range of body types. Short, tall, petite or stacked & curvy. I'm not terribly picky about looks because I think nearly every woman I see is beautiful in her own way. Really.
I want someone smart, creative, slightly quirky, somewhat kinky (NOT a requirement), who's not into being poly (sorry, I can't deal with that), who enjoys the occasional public display of affection and does not want any more kids. I don't mind if she has kids, but I am not making anymore beyond the one I have. Someone who has some modicum of her shit together, because I refuse to be someone's suger-daddy. And someone who is of the liberal pro-equality mindset. Everything else is negotiable. Is that so much to ask for?
And I defer to the great Henry Rollins in describing more of what I'm looking for:
"I want a woman who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me 10 things I don't already know and make me laugh. I don't care what you look like, just turn me on! And if you can do that I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow!"
But, I think for now, I'm taking a break from dating. I'm closing all my dating profiles and dumping all the stupid apps on my iphone.
...
After almost two years of constant dating, I absolutely hate it. It's an endless cycle of quasi getting to know someone over a date or three, get laid a couple times and then move onto the next person. It's never enough to actually really get to know someone and what they like beyond what's on the surface. Because they don't want an actual relationship.
And I completely loath Internet dating. What I hate most is the whole "ebay shopping" approach of internet dating. "Make your selection and hope you don't get 'outbid' with desirable attributes." I like meeting people. I just don't like the whole endless "interview" process and false expectations that everyone involved seems to have. You can never truly know if someone is right the first time you meet them. You can usually figure out if they are truly wrong, though.
The worst part is the fact that everyone I've met has lied outright in their profiles about what they really want in a relationship. I keep going for the women who describe in painstaking detail how they want a long-term relationship. But what I find is that they have either never had a relationship last longer that a year or two because they are too selfish and self-absorbed to really share themselves or their space with someone else. Or because they have just gotten out of a long-term relationship or a decade-plus long marriage and, deep down, don't want to get bogged-down with seeing just one single person again; they want to be free.
THAT is the most infuriating part. They say they want one thing, but truly want another. They are not just lying to every potential partner, they are lying to themselves. And every time I meet these women, they complain to me on the first date how horribly shallow and disposable men treat women. Look at yourself, sweetheart.
And then there are the women who are looking for some "ideal" partner or lover. These 30 to 40-somethings want the ripped stud to bed them for a night. They want male underwear-model hot guys only. I know this because I have been told to my face several times that I'm not "buff enough" (in so many words) to date them.
Not buff enough... Really?
There is a different between how someone's body looks and what they can actually do. I'm strong. Very strong. I used to lift and safely carry my ex wife up stairs over my shoulder, and she was 5'-9" and weighed close to 180lbs (Don't judge -- she was a busty girl, carried herself very well and was hot in her own way). I regularly lift and carry rolls of paper and fabric that weigh as much as a telephone pole or thick tree. By myself.
That brings me to the ex wife. We split because she was more interested in other women. No big deal. Besides her drifting gender attraction, we had realized we were pretty much just friends a long time ago. It's a bizarre thing to wake up one morning, and realize you are sleeping with someone who is basically just a roommate who happens to be the mother of your child. We're still friends (really). But the love has been gone a long, long time.
And then there are the commitment-phobes. Yes, they exist in the farer sex. Especially around my age group.
I had been seeing someone, off & on, who fits this description to a tee. We'll date for a month or two. Then, predictably, she'll break it off. I finally got an explanation the last time this happened. It's because she was starting to fall in love with me. She's terrified that I'll want to interject myself into her daily routine, her space, her life. All she really wants is someone who'll come over at her beck & call, fuck her brains out, then leave.
She was the best sex I ever had. I won't take her calls anymore because she's too fucking neurotic for her own good.
I don't want to move in with anyone. Not right now. I want a relationship that grows organically, on its' own merits. With one woman. If it eventually means co-habitation, that's fine. But I don't think that's a realistic prospect for people who just met, and who have very big, involved, busy lives.
I'm not perfect. I honestly don't think that a "perfect" person exists. Maybe I'll find someone "perfect for me" eventually. But they will likely think they are a deeply flawed human being. Everyone is different and anyone can be just desirable enough for the right person. Maybe not me and maybe not the next person down the line. But someone.
What am I looking for? Good question.
I want a relationship, not an endless parade of fuck-buddies.
After spending nearly half a decade photoshopping content and building websites for the adult industry, I've grown to appreciate a very wide range of body types. Short, tall, petite or stacked & curvy. I'm not terribly picky about looks because I think nearly every woman I see is beautiful in her own way. Really.
I want someone smart, creative, slightly quirky, somewhat kinky (NOT a requirement), who's not into being poly (sorry, I can't deal with that), who enjoys the occasional public display of affection and does not want any more kids. I don't mind if she has kids, but I am not making anymore beyond the one I have. Someone who has some modicum of her shit together, because I refuse to be someone's suger-daddy. And someone who is of the liberal pro-equality mindset. Everything else is negotiable. Is that so much to ask for?
And I defer to the great Henry Rollins in describing more of what I'm looking for:
"I want a woman who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me 10 things I don't already know and make me laugh. I don't care what you look like, just turn me on! And if you can do that I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow!"
But, I think for now, I'm taking a break from dating. I'm closing all my dating profiles and dumping all the stupid apps on my iphone.
My daughter lost her first tooth today!
It is so weird to watch this little being grow, day by day. Almost six years old and she's growing so fast. Every week, when I get her back from her mama's, I swear she's grown a couple more inches.
It is so weird to watch this little being grow, day by day. Almost six years old and she's growing so fast. Every week, when I get her back from her mama's, I swear she's grown a couple more inches.
Hello peeps!
I remember when Suicide Girls started up. I've been a distant fan for years and years, and just finally decided to join.
Keep up the great work, ladies. It is very much appreciated!
I remember when Suicide Girls started up. I've been a distant fan for years and years, and just finally decided to join.
Keep up the great work, ladies. It is very much appreciated!
