{ iii } I'm sliding into serious depressions now, and strangely enough not because the world is a rotten and obviously obscene place without any chance of revelation, at least not as long as the mechanics of the politocapitalistic machinery do their work as well as they do. Lets make this point clear, of course there is no such machine, not even strict mechanisms, but what is there and what is quite frightening and maybe not even thinkable in its sheer magnitude is the fact that there is no place to hide when it comes to economic rationality and a sense of the upright consumer. But thats another story, too complex and dazzling to get it straight here and now. And what do di do? I make a depressive, almost antisocial fool out of myself because of this girl i really like and which seems to really dont care about me any longer. For gods sake, i really do understand her and would advise her to do what shes doing if i could. But she dont even talks to me. Hell no, this wont take a good ending, one of us will have to leave the arena and be wiped out of this doomed place. There is nothing more frustrating than being deeply disappointed by yourself. It really scares the shit out of me that i was such a selfrightous and insensitive jerk for a very long time without noticing it. I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me and got a weird kind of embarrassingly sadomasochistic and fundamentaly perverse satisfaction out of it.