You Wake Up At LAX
We woke up early. Chris didn't sleep at all. extra bags cost 80 dollars each. i have no money what so ever. leaving chris was hard. he asked me not to cry. i teared up but i didn't. i kept my mind off everything by reading. it took forever for my plane.
Check In For That Flight Doesn't Begin For 2 Hours
the plane ride was pretty boring. the girl next to me was the manager of taking back sunday. we didn't talk much other than that. so much for single serving friends. i just read and read...and sometimes i looked out the window. if arizona isn't square its nothing. blank...everything in squares. i wonder what that says about a state.
You Wake Up At Sky Harbor International
i thought i was going to miss my connection. we had barely made it...or so i thought. i had to wait in the plane for 20 minutes becuz another flight (with half the passengers going to cleveland) had arrived late. the guy next to me smelled like soiled pampers...the babypowder mixed with shit. i tried not to breathe. no microwave cordon bleu hobbykit. the wonderful people gave us an energy bar instead...for a 4 hour flight. after i finished reading fight club they annouced the movie and becuz i was bored i watched it. they played a lot of suck ass videos before it though i did sing along with chicago. i never would've bought the damn headphones had i known they edited the movie for swearing...though it was funny hearing billy crystal say sissywhipped instead of pussy when it was so obvious what he said in the first place. i noticed the grand canyon. yup its rocks in the ground and its fucking big. chalk up another place i don't have to go to now. flying at night is pretty neat. everything is black and the lights on land resemble stars...the bigger cities a far off galaxy. as you descend you make pictures out of the lights. the ace of spades...one pattern was a hand giving the world the finger. it made me smile. you descend into the darker abyss and it seems like a black hole. you wish the plane into nothingness...and the closer you get the more land you see and the dream is over. I statred to read Choke but my ears wouldn't pop.
We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure
it felt like my ear drums we're going to burst. immense pain of my brain collapsing on itself. then at times it felt like they were leaking out. nothing i tried worked. i ended sitting the rest of the flight with my head between my knews and hands covering my ears.
You Wake Up At Cleveland Hopkins
we're late. i find my parents. i call chris to let him know i didn't end up in a firey pit where police would have to match my dental records. It seems to take forever for my luggage. 3 out of my 4 bags were hand inspected. i love the idea of some twit fingering my panties. i don't know how they ever got the bags closed again...but it was nice to see my silk pj bottoms hanging out the side of my suitcase. we went home. the drive was slow. my mom yelled at me for getting a cigarette off my dad. my dog didnt recognize me. my cats didn't care. i had to visit my old friends or they would try to find me.
my car is a corpse that's been rotting for 6 months. the smell doesn't go away...even after doused with perfume. driving ability came right back to me. and there i was in a room with 4 people i haven't seen for half a year and i already wanted to go home. none of them badmouthed chris...i'm glad i didn't have to yell at them. they mainly asked about the flight. the first thing aime wanted to do was smoke a joint. i could only sit there for an hour. i wanted out. i realized how much i hate these people. i hate everyone.
You Are The All Singing All Dancing CrapOf The World
aime and jason's lives revolve around their dog. i feel sorry i ever gave it to them. i pity them. they wanted me back so bad. i never understood why. i didn't want myself back. on the way home i bought a pack of cigarettes.
Chris' Words Coming Out Of My Mouth
things are different here but everything's the same. i don't like it. i don't want to be here. i can't get comfortable. it all feels alien. what if my body rejects this newest implant? what then? i talked to Chris. he's ok. tired but ok. i'm glad. i miss him. he's part of me...im missing a piece of myself. the scrape in my mouth that would healing if i didn't remember the experience of true happiness.
there was an anciet girl who was in love with a young man. but the young man was from another place and had to go away. so the last night the girl and her lover would be together, she made love to him and stared into him until he mind made an outline. to forever remember how they were together...to make a record of how he looked and how he shone with brillance...to document the last moment they were together. and the next day her lover was gone but the shadow was still there. and the ancient girl never saw her lover again...and she was stupid enough to believe that any outline, or picture, or story could somehow replace the person that you love.
something here smells rancid. it's making me sick. i want to throw up. my room is still the same as i left it when i stripped it bare of my pressance. i should sleep. i should throw up. i'm not sure. but one thing i have noticed is that i think i've been reading too much chuck palahniuk in one day.
We woke up early. Chris didn't sleep at all. extra bags cost 80 dollars each. i have no money what so ever. leaving chris was hard. he asked me not to cry. i teared up but i didn't. i kept my mind off everything by reading. it took forever for my plane.
Check In For That Flight Doesn't Begin For 2 Hours
the plane ride was pretty boring. the girl next to me was the manager of taking back sunday. we didn't talk much other than that. so much for single serving friends. i just read and read...and sometimes i looked out the window. if arizona isn't square its nothing. blank...everything in squares. i wonder what that says about a state.
You Wake Up At Sky Harbor International
i thought i was going to miss my connection. we had barely made it...or so i thought. i had to wait in the plane for 20 minutes becuz another flight (with half the passengers going to cleveland) had arrived late. the guy next to me smelled like soiled pampers...the babypowder mixed with shit. i tried not to breathe. no microwave cordon bleu hobbykit. the wonderful people gave us an energy bar instead...for a 4 hour flight. after i finished reading fight club they annouced the movie and becuz i was bored i watched it. they played a lot of suck ass videos before it though i did sing along with chicago. i never would've bought the damn headphones had i known they edited the movie for swearing...though it was funny hearing billy crystal say sissywhipped instead of pussy when it was so obvious what he said in the first place. i noticed the grand canyon. yup its rocks in the ground and its fucking big. chalk up another place i don't have to go to now. flying at night is pretty neat. everything is black and the lights on land resemble stars...the bigger cities a far off galaxy. as you descend you make pictures out of the lights. the ace of spades...one pattern was a hand giving the world the finger. it made me smile. you descend into the darker abyss and it seems like a black hole. you wish the plane into nothingness...and the closer you get the more land you see and the dream is over. I statred to read Choke but my ears wouldn't pop.
We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure
it felt like my ear drums we're going to burst. immense pain of my brain collapsing on itself. then at times it felt like they were leaking out. nothing i tried worked. i ended sitting the rest of the flight with my head between my knews and hands covering my ears.
You Wake Up At Cleveland Hopkins
we're late. i find my parents. i call chris to let him know i didn't end up in a firey pit where police would have to match my dental records. It seems to take forever for my luggage. 3 out of my 4 bags were hand inspected. i love the idea of some twit fingering my panties. i don't know how they ever got the bags closed again...but it was nice to see my silk pj bottoms hanging out the side of my suitcase. we went home. the drive was slow. my mom yelled at me for getting a cigarette off my dad. my dog didnt recognize me. my cats didn't care. i had to visit my old friends or they would try to find me.
my car is a corpse that's been rotting for 6 months. the smell doesn't go away...even after doused with perfume. driving ability came right back to me. and there i was in a room with 4 people i haven't seen for half a year and i already wanted to go home. none of them badmouthed chris...i'm glad i didn't have to yell at them. they mainly asked about the flight. the first thing aime wanted to do was smoke a joint. i could only sit there for an hour. i wanted out. i realized how much i hate these people. i hate everyone.
You Are The All Singing All Dancing CrapOf The World
aime and jason's lives revolve around their dog. i feel sorry i ever gave it to them. i pity them. they wanted me back so bad. i never understood why. i didn't want myself back. on the way home i bought a pack of cigarettes.
Chris' Words Coming Out Of My Mouth
things are different here but everything's the same. i don't like it. i don't want to be here. i can't get comfortable. it all feels alien. what if my body rejects this newest implant? what then? i talked to Chris. he's ok. tired but ok. i'm glad. i miss him. he's part of me...im missing a piece of myself. the scrape in my mouth that would healing if i didn't remember the experience of true happiness.
there was an anciet girl who was in love with a young man. but the young man was from another place and had to go away. so the last night the girl and her lover would be together, she made love to him and stared into him until he mind made an outline. to forever remember how they were together...to make a record of how he looked and how he shone with brillance...to document the last moment they were together. and the next day her lover was gone but the shadow was still there. and the ancient girl never saw her lover again...and she was stupid enough to believe that any outline, or picture, or story could somehow replace the person that you love.
something here smells rancid. it's making me sick. i want to throw up. my room is still the same as i left it when i stripped it bare of my pressance. i should sleep. i should throw up. i'm not sure. but one thing i have noticed is that i think i've been reading too much chuck palahniuk in one day.
well i'm all done packing. i did it ok. didn't break down. didn't start crying. i was actually ok. and well i am looking forward to some things about being back in ohio. i did miss my friends a lot. i really missed driving and my bed and my room. not to be conceited or anything but i have the coolest room ever. i hated leaving it the first place. but i grew to love my new room too...sort of.
so the new news is that chris is on his way home. yay. his mom has to take me to the airport really early tomorrow becuz well they all have so much other important stuff to do. so ill be sitting in the airport for awhile. my friend money reminded me of the bars in airports. i really don't know if i could drink at 9 am.
so chris is going to let me borrow choke and he's buying me fight club. awe. at least ill have something to do. i was going to take my portable cd player but then i realized i dont have any headphones so theres no point. eh no big deal. ive been wondering if i should go to the bank first and pull out some cash. hmm.
in other other news i have a new friend. braveliltoaster added me on cuz i knew (most of) the words to the banannnas in pajamas song. rock the parcel.
so the new news is that chris is on his way home. yay. his mom has to take me to the airport really early tomorrow becuz well they all have so much other important stuff to do. so ill be sitting in the airport for awhile. my friend money reminded me of the bars in airports. i really don't know if i could drink at 9 am.
so chris is going to let me borrow choke and he's buying me fight club. awe. at least ill have something to do. i was going to take my portable cd player but then i realized i dont have any headphones so theres no point. eh no big deal. ive been wondering if i should go to the bank first and pull out some cash. hmm.in other other news i have a new friend. braveliltoaster added me on cuz i knew (most of) the words to the banannnas in pajamas song. rock the parcel.
and so it's here. my last day in california. tomorrow morning, i'll wake up, put my bags in the car and be out of here forever. well maybe not forever...in friendly talk chris said i could come back and visit someday and we could actually go see the sites around here...other than the airport.
my tummy's all fucked up today. it's hurty and making funny nosies. i don't feel sick or anything...that pukey feeling has fairly subsided. i'm just a mess.
sometimes i really hate carrie. sure i want to know that she's happy and all but the way she talks sometimes i just want to slap her and yell "you inconsiderate bitch!" this is how i know i could never live with her. of course i knew that ever since we went to woodstock together and she used all my stuff but ignored me the whole time. se la vie. but right now she's talking about all these guys that love her and how she just can't decide who she's going to pick. I HATE IT.
last night i had a dream that i worked at a bridal store and apparently i was always coming home in weird wedding dresses. i was also rollerblading in this dream and then all the sudden driving an suv. go figure. but i went home to me and chris' apartment and there he was wearing a $700 tux just to make me feel better. it was an odd dream.
i know i'm leaving tomorrow. i still don't like the idea. i have to finish packing today. the bad thing is i have to do it alone. chris has to go to work even though he doesn't want to. it's pay day and he might have his interview. so he has to go even though i really don't want to and probably shouldn't be alone...chris' parents won't be home all day either. i'm all alone all day. not fun. i told chris to get his check, see if he was going to have interview and if not or after, think about eating mayo on a wooden spoon so he'll get sick and can come home to me. it's not fair. i just want one more full day with him. i don't want to be alone.
my tummy's all fucked up today. it's hurty and making funny nosies. i don't feel sick or anything...that pukey feeling has fairly subsided. i'm just a mess.
sometimes i really hate carrie. sure i want to know that she's happy and all but the way she talks sometimes i just want to slap her and yell "you inconsiderate bitch!" this is how i know i could never live with her. of course i knew that ever since we went to woodstock together and she used all my stuff but ignored me the whole time. se la vie. but right now she's talking about all these guys that love her and how she just can't decide who she's going to pick. I HATE IT.
last night i had a dream that i worked at a bridal store and apparently i was always coming home in weird wedding dresses. i was also rollerblading in this dream and then all the sudden driving an suv. go figure. but i went home to me and chris' apartment and there he was wearing a $700 tux just to make me feel better. it was an odd dream.
i know i'm leaving tomorrow. i still don't like the idea. i have to finish packing today. the bad thing is i have to do it alone. chris has to go to work even though he doesn't want to. it's pay day and he might have his interview. so he has to go even though i really don't want to and probably shouldn't be alone...chris' parents won't be home all day either. i'm all alone all day. not fun. i told chris to get his check, see if he was going to have interview and if not or after, think about eating mayo on a wooden spoon so he'll get sick and can come home to me. it's not fair. i just want one more full day with him. i don't want to be alone.
chris is going to send me my cookies after they come in. that's like the sweetest thing i've ever heard. he should freeze them first. 
next question to ponder...why the hell is it that the neighbors have actually started talking to me now that i'm moving?
im so bad though. i got chris in trouble again. i didn't do the dishes last night on my night and he heard it for my mistake. and now his parents are home and the dishes still aren't done and apparently he was told to do them before he left for work...but i said i'd do them...but time flew on this site as i continually ripped cds to add to my own collection...and i had planned on it but now it's too late. i feel bad. i'm sorry. im really a good person i swear!!!
and this scab on the inside of my nose is driving me so crazy i want to scream!
next question to ponder...why the hell is it that the neighbors have actually started talking to me now that i'm moving?
im so bad though. i got chris in trouble again. i didn't do the dishes last night on my night and he heard it for my mistake. and now his parents are home and the dishes still aren't done and apparently he was told to do them before he left for work...but i said i'd do them...but time flew on this site as i continually ripped cds to add to my own collection...and i had planned on it but now it's too late. i feel bad. i'm sorry. im really a good person i swear!!!
and this scab on the inside of my nose is driving me so crazy i want to scream!
ok so last night i called up Reaux and asked if she wanted to go to coffee. She was out with Tal and their friends but she asked them to take her home and she came over to get me. Chris' parents were a bit weird towards me. i was ignored for the most part. other than ashley saying "missy are you leaving tomorrow?" no hunny i'm leaving on saturday "is chris going with you?" and that got me upset but i didn't want to start bawling in front of everyone so i choked it up and i just answered no.
but i got dressed, i did my hair, i put on make up. i pretty much wanted to cover up the swollen red eyelids. i made myself all pretty. reaux came over and we decided to go to dennys. i asked her if we could pick chris up from work and she said thats kewl. so i told chris' parents and "ok" is about the first word they said to me since they got home. We decided to go to Denny's since we knew it wouldn't be closing. I ordered coffee, well since there's no coffee pot in this house and I haven't drank i don't think any coffee what so ever since i moved here. reaux got tea. we also ordered some snacks. we talked about nothing really for a long time. just everything trivial. i had to ask eventually though. "so reaux how'd chris tell you at work today?" she told me he asked if she still needed a ticket to the ministry show becuz he had an extra one....cuz...well...missy and i broke up this morning at 1:50am pst. its so a very chris thing to do...but i thought it was adorable that he knew the exact time we called it quits. i didn't even know that. we talked about a lot of things. she asked me if i wanted to stay just for chris. i told her pretty much yes. i mean i'd miss her and the other friends i'd made. i'd miss the forever blue skies and the warm weather. i'll miss his bratty lil sisters and what not. it just seemed that when i finally thought i was settling in here...getting used to everything and realizing hey i live in california with the love of my life and it's not some big illustrious dream...everything turns to shit and the dream is over.
so a lil bit before 11:30, reaux and i left to get chris at work. we drove to borders, parked in the handicap spot, smoked each a cig (she had 2 left), and waited. turns out chris got a ride home from paula and we were there for no reason. so we came back here. reaux came in and we talked outside for awhile. we talked and laughed...mostly about chris' highjinx at work in the cafe....and how getting his promotion will ruin all that. we talked inside a lot. just about this and that. funny things like the episodes of the state, baby jesus buttplugs, and tardblog.com. only certain screwy people like us would find that hilarious. after awhile, chris' mom came out, didn't say anything but kinda huffed and went back to bed. none of us knew what it was about becuz we weren't being loud but we went out to our room anyways. chris started a new game of vice city cuz the old one got corrupted *boo hoo* and we laughed over it a lot. reaux stayed till a bit after 2 and she decided to call it a night.
i tried to go to sleep but it just didn't work. chris and i talked about things. well mostly i talked. i just love him so much. he still lets me hug him and kiss his cheek and what not. hes so understanding to what i'm going through right now. i told him my biggest dream will be him showing up in ohio with suitcases. i would so welcome him with open arms. he said my family hates him hes sure. i wouldn't let them. of course i don't care what they say. i don't care what anyone says. i love him.
i was just about to fall asleep when chris crawled in bed with me. we slept next to eachother again. i like it that way. it makes me feel better if you can believe it. i know we're not together but it just makes me feel better. i love him and i know deep inside he still loves me. in the middle of the night i caught him cuddling me. i don't know if he knew i was awake or not. i think he was but i can't be sure. i don't think i should ask him about it. it was so adorable when i woke up this morning. i had went to bed with stitch in my arms and so i looked under the covers for him and chris was clutching him. i just gave him a kiss on the cheek and came inside.
aime had called finally so i talked to her. she's really happy i'm coming back. she missed me most of all i think. i told her about the deal and what not...she said she wasn't sure if she could forgive him and she can't understand any of it and how i feel. i think im really the only person that does understand chris. tyler says he doesn't know how he could do this to me. mitch said the same thing. it's something nice to say but i don't feel that way. tyler says no guy is worth my tears and the only one that is wouldn't make me cry...but even in the beginning chris made me cry...only becuz i've never been happier than when i'm with him. chris is still my soulmate...we're just starcrossed so we have to part i suppose. i'm the only one who understands that chris isn't doing this to hurt me. he's doing it becuz it's right for him right now. it was the same reason i moved here in the first place. it felt right. it all comes down to this...
you gotta do what randall pink floyd wants to do.
but i got dressed, i did my hair, i put on make up. i pretty much wanted to cover up the swollen red eyelids. i made myself all pretty. reaux came over and we decided to go to dennys. i asked her if we could pick chris up from work and she said thats kewl. so i told chris' parents and "ok" is about the first word they said to me since they got home. We decided to go to Denny's since we knew it wouldn't be closing. I ordered coffee, well since there's no coffee pot in this house and I haven't drank i don't think any coffee what so ever since i moved here. reaux got tea. we also ordered some snacks. we talked about nothing really for a long time. just everything trivial. i had to ask eventually though. "so reaux how'd chris tell you at work today?" she told me he asked if she still needed a ticket to the ministry show becuz he had an extra one....cuz...well...missy and i broke up this morning at 1:50am pst. its so a very chris thing to do...but i thought it was adorable that he knew the exact time we called it quits. i didn't even know that. we talked about a lot of things. she asked me if i wanted to stay just for chris. i told her pretty much yes. i mean i'd miss her and the other friends i'd made. i'd miss the forever blue skies and the warm weather. i'll miss his bratty lil sisters and what not. it just seemed that when i finally thought i was settling in here...getting used to everything and realizing hey i live in california with the love of my life and it's not some big illustrious dream...everything turns to shit and the dream is over.
so a lil bit before 11:30, reaux and i left to get chris at work. we drove to borders, parked in the handicap spot, smoked each a cig (she had 2 left), and waited. turns out chris got a ride home from paula and we were there for no reason. so we came back here. reaux came in and we talked outside for awhile. we talked and laughed...mostly about chris' highjinx at work in the cafe....and how getting his promotion will ruin all that. we talked inside a lot. just about this and that. funny things like the episodes of the state, baby jesus buttplugs, and tardblog.com. only certain screwy people like us would find that hilarious. after awhile, chris' mom came out, didn't say anything but kinda huffed and went back to bed. none of us knew what it was about becuz we weren't being loud but we went out to our room anyways. chris started a new game of vice city cuz the old one got corrupted *boo hoo* and we laughed over it a lot. reaux stayed till a bit after 2 and she decided to call it a night.
i tried to go to sleep but it just didn't work. chris and i talked about things. well mostly i talked. i just love him so much. he still lets me hug him and kiss his cheek and what not. hes so understanding to what i'm going through right now. i told him my biggest dream will be him showing up in ohio with suitcases. i would so welcome him with open arms. he said my family hates him hes sure. i wouldn't let them. of course i don't care what they say. i don't care what anyone says. i love him.
i was just about to fall asleep when chris crawled in bed with me. we slept next to eachother again. i like it that way. it makes me feel better if you can believe it. i know we're not together but it just makes me feel better. i love him and i know deep inside he still loves me. in the middle of the night i caught him cuddling me. i don't know if he knew i was awake or not. i think he was but i can't be sure. i don't think i should ask him about it. it was so adorable when i woke up this morning. i had went to bed with stitch in my arms and so i looked under the covers for him and chris was clutching him. i just gave him a kiss on the cheek and came inside.
aime had called finally so i talked to her. she's really happy i'm coming back. she missed me most of all i think. i told her about the deal and what not...she said she wasn't sure if she could forgive him and she can't understand any of it and how i feel. i think im really the only person that does understand chris. tyler says he doesn't know how he could do this to me. mitch said the same thing. it's something nice to say but i don't feel that way. tyler says no guy is worth my tears and the only one that is wouldn't make me cry...but even in the beginning chris made me cry...only becuz i've never been happier than when i'm with him. chris is still my soulmate...we're just starcrossed so we have to part i suppose. i'm the only one who understands that chris isn't doing this to hurt me. he's doing it becuz it's right for him right now. it was the same reason i moved here in the first place. it felt right. it all comes down to this...
you gotta do what randall pink floyd wants to do.
there i was eating my pizza...yes im actually eating...who's proud of me...and enjoying family fued when war crap came on every channel. how much i don't care about any of it. at all. call me callous i just don't give a shit. i would rather watch meaningless dribble of game shows eating the pizza i bought with money i don't have. which brings me to one question of morality. is it wrong to charge things to my credit charge (ie my membership and pizza) becuz i know that my parents will baby me and pay for it becuz i'm so "distraught"? of course i really shouldn't have bought a large pizza when i knew i'd only eat maybe one piece if that. but hey i had a coupon!
my contacts are all blurry from crying so much...though i haven't been crying for a couple hours maybe. i called chris at work an hour ago cuz i was bored. he was too. its almost hard to believe we're not still together. we still talk like best friends. i really like that though. it gives me some hope that he won't be out of my life forever. ill still have my friend. there were so many things i missed about ohio but im still not looking forward to going back. there are a lot of things i regret not doing while i was here. i never got to see the ocean. i never saw the hollywood sign or the walk of fame or any sites at all. i never got to go to disneyland. most of all i regret not being able to make chris happy. sad but true.
i really wanted to watch jeopardy. i left a message on aime's machine but she hasn't call. maybe i should try to call again. who knows. i don't know if mom is home yet. i wanted to talk to her some more too. its hard not to feel sad but then you try not to so you just feel blah. thats what i am. blah. things have been making me smile off and on but im still blah. i really wish chris was home...as does he but no one wants to be at work. i suppose i should finish packing sooner or later but then i do have 2 more days here.
you have no idea how much i want him to change his mind...how much i don't want to leave. if at anytime from now until i leave chris at the airport if he would say don't go...i wouldn't. id stay with him. i don't care how much it would cost anyone. i would turn around and run into his arms. didn't i say i was a dreamer? i think i may go to bed soon. just a nap i suppose. i can't really sleep. not when my nightmares come to life. its funny i've imagined having to move back home...but you never imagine the in between stuff. you don't think about getting on the plane by yourself. you don't think about having to pack up everything...you just imagine yourself sitting in your old room crying and wishing. im already crying and wishing. its just too bad it won't come true this time. maybe you only get one wish fullfilled in a lifetime...so what happens when it doesn't end happily ever after?
my contacts are all blurry from crying so much...though i haven't been crying for a couple hours maybe. i called chris at work an hour ago cuz i was bored. he was too. its almost hard to believe we're not still together. we still talk like best friends. i really like that though. it gives me some hope that he won't be out of my life forever. ill still have my friend. there were so many things i missed about ohio but im still not looking forward to going back. there are a lot of things i regret not doing while i was here. i never got to see the ocean. i never saw the hollywood sign or the walk of fame or any sites at all. i never got to go to disneyland. most of all i regret not being able to make chris happy. sad but true.
i really wanted to watch jeopardy. i left a message on aime's machine but she hasn't call. maybe i should try to call again. who knows. i don't know if mom is home yet. i wanted to talk to her some more too. its hard not to feel sad but then you try not to so you just feel blah. thats what i am. blah. things have been making me smile off and on but im still blah. i really wish chris was home...as does he but no one wants to be at work. i suppose i should finish packing sooner or later but then i do have 2 more days here.
you have no idea how much i want him to change his mind...how much i don't want to leave. if at anytime from now until i leave chris at the airport if he would say don't go...i wouldn't. id stay with him. i don't care how much it would cost anyone. i would turn around and run into his arms. didn't i say i was a dreamer? i think i may go to bed soon. just a nap i suppose. i can't really sleep. not when my nightmares come to life. its funny i've imagined having to move back home...but you never imagine the in between stuff. you don't think about getting on the plane by yourself. you don't think about having to pack up everything...you just imagine yourself sitting in your old room crying and wishing. im already crying and wishing. its just too bad it won't come true this time. maybe you only get one wish fullfilled in a lifetime...so what happens when it doesn't end happily ever after?
ok so im feeling a lot better now. i still haven't got a hold of my cousin aime to tell her the news which will probably be upsetting but as for now i feel ok. the need to puke feeling has disapated a few notches. still there but im not as close to throwing up as i felt before. ive been listening to all the saddest songs...garbabe version 2.0, marilyn manson - mekanical animals, mira - apart...but during this time i've been talking to all my little boys. all the kids i hung out with before i moved here. john said he'd come over and drink and talk with me sometime during the week. mitch is going to take me to chicos to get me my most loved food....their pepperoni rolls with no sauce...doug's going to take me to coffee on wednesday. everyones being really nice...except for mitch calling chris an idiot repeatedly. that didn't make me feel good cuz he's not an idiot...he's doing what's right for him and i have to respect that. he calmed down after awhile and played nice though. i don't know if they feel they have to but it's making me feel better. john especially. he said he was proud of me...for actually coming out here in the first place and doing what i wanted to do. a lot of people would've thought ahead of maybe having to move back home and decided rather to not move at all and not take the risk. well i guess loving someone is a risk. sometimes you win...sometimes you lose. and i don't think i lost at love. for once i was a winner. just becuz it didn't work right now doesn't mean a damn thing. of course i still want no one other than chris and that's not going to change. but i'm not longer holding on to stitch. i guess i've let go a little bit. there is one thing that's been pissing me off though.
i realized that i'm not going to get my girl scout cookies. those things are only once a year. here i am moving and missing out on my caramel delights. i want my cookies damn it.
the troups aren't home from school/church yet. i wonder what questions chris' family is going to have for me. i remember my first day here ashley hugged me and asked if i was going to stay forever. his little sisters will get over. his parents will be disappointed for awhile maybe but they'll get over it too. i don't think his step brother will give a rats ass. he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. i wonder how this house will change after im gone. if it will change at all. i wonder if they'll go back to eating fastfood almost everynight or if i made a lasting impression. i wonder.
i realized that i'm not going to get my girl scout cookies. those things are only once a year. here i am moving and missing out on my caramel delights. i want my cookies damn it.
the troups aren't home from school/church yet. i wonder what questions chris' family is going to have for me. i remember my first day here ashley hugged me and asked if i was going to stay forever. his little sisters will get over. his parents will be disappointed for awhile maybe but they'll get over it too. i don't think his step brother will give a rats ass. he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. i wonder how this house will change after im gone. if it will change at all. i wonder if they'll go back to eating fastfood almost everynight or if i made a lasting impression. i wonder.
and here i have my own voice on the site. for 6 months i sat in the background watching xmachinax type away and laughing at the board comments he would show me. i took and edited his pictures for sb. i was always a tad bit involved in the site in my mind even if i never got a say on anything other than chris typing my fiance did this or that. so of course, now that we are going seperate ways i still want to be able to read those comments and be at the one place that's been making me smile the last month i've been living in cali.
we only decided to get "divorced" last night. i think it was kind of inevitable though i denied it to myself for awhile now. he's been continuely unhappy and it had rubbed off on me here and there. i just kept trying to deny it. this is easily the hardest thing i've ever done. it definitly takes the place of having to leave him at the airport the first time. back then i knew he'd be back. on saturday when i leave him at the airport once again i'll be going for good. i've been crying practically non-stop as is, i can't imagine how much i'll blubber then. knowing that i'll never see him again. never hold him again. never wake up next to him again. it's the worst feeling the world. i constantly feel like i'm going to throw up. that feeling hasn't gone away since it started last night when we decided i was leaving. of course when i said i'd go it was an empty threat. i didn't really think he'd go along with it. i was kidding myself thinking he'd say don't go. he never said don't go.
i've been clutching stitch...the first thing he gave to me other than a kiss when we first met...for a good couple hours. i couldn't pack him away. i can't help feeling miserable. at least the feeling of my heart exploding in my chest every second has faded out some what. mom bought my ticket home today. there's no going back now. if chris wants me back after i'm gone we made a deal that he'd have to move to me this time. i think i made the deal just for closure for myself. i don't see it happening at all.
i don't want to go home. i already told reese i would be back on saturday. she was crying. everyone wanted me back so bad...though i can't figure out why. why is it that my friends care so much and the one person i want to want me wants me to go back to them? mom was always begging to have me home. i don't know why. hardly anyone cared when i was there. and that's the worst part...they'll all want to be there when i get home. reese already said she'd be there and spend the night and that her and aime would always be around me until im happy again. that's the biggest joke of all. the only thing that's made me happy is chris. i don't want to be around anyone in ohio. i don't want to hear i'm so sorry it didn't work but i'm so happy you're back. i don't care if you're happy i'm back! i don't want to be! the only place i want to be is where i'm not wanted. i'm not even wanted on this site. chris just called from a payphone on the way to work just to tell me not to join! damn him calling collect. i think that could've waited just a bit...even though it was already too late. it's that this place was his little sanctuary and he was here first. i can understand that but he said i could join before he left, so i did. how dare he call collect and change his mind! he made me believe for a second that something was wrong...and when he started off saying "i've been thinking about it" i thought for a second that he wanted me to stay but i was only crushed all over again. he could've waited. you only call collect from a pay phone if it's important!
as much as i want to talk to my friends right now i don't want to see them. i don't want to hear the i told you so's...especially from my family. mom was always begging me to come home. she always knew i'd be back. such votes of confidence. no one really thought i'd make it except for disallusioned little me. i thought i'd found my soulmate and the world could only get better from then on. i still believe he's my soulmate. nothing's going to change my mind on that. i was telling my friend oriel that i was moving back to ohio and he said i'll find a nice guy there. i don't want to find a guy no matter how nice. i don't want anyone else. how could he even assume i could want anyone else. chris says he doesn't want anyone else either...but he's such a magnet for girls...i'm sure he'lll find someone else someday. me, i've already given up.
i haven't eaten anything and i'm not at all hungry. i've barely slept. it was hard. i slept next to him last. i took a shower with him this morning. for old time's sake i suppose. he went a long with it. he feels so terrible for hurting me i know. it's not his fault. he's a closed off person and likes to be alone. i told him if he ever grows out of it he better look me up. i know i'll still be sitting in that basement room in ohio with my cats waiting for him. 3 more days i have to wait to get back there. i have to stay in cali 3 more days. i can't go anywhere to hide here. i can't avoid his family...or his eyes. i want to hold him...to cling to him. it just makes me feel a tiny bit better. his mom's not too happy. she always complained about us and me but apparently she liked me and thinks chris is making a mistake i guess. my family likes chris...chris likes my family. everything is just a shame now. i want to get rid of this throw up feeling. i was going to buy cigarettes earlier...but i realized if i do i'll just start smokig again and cigs aren't going to make it any better. nothing makes it any better. so i'm not going to buy them. i'm better off. i told reese one of the things i want to do when im back though is to go to kahunaville and get drunk but i really don't think i could go out in public...and have to see people i know and hear "hey i thought you moved to california" and i would have to reply "yea i did"
once upon a time there was a young girl named missy. she was the happiest girl in the world becuz someone finally loved her. it was all she ever dreamed about. it was all she ever wanted. but poor missy was cursed you see becuz she only dreamed her life away.
we only decided to get "divorced" last night. i think it was kind of inevitable though i denied it to myself for awhile now. he's been continuely unhappy and it had rubbed off on me here and there. i just kept trying to deny it. this is easily the hardest thing i've ever done. it definitly takes the place of having to leave him at the airport the first time. back then i knew he'd be back. on saturday when i leave him at the airport once again i'll be going for good. i've been crying practically non-stop as is, i can't imagine how much i'll blubber then. knowing that i'll never see him again. never hold him again. never wake up next to him again. it's the worst feeling the world. i constantly feel like i'm going to throw up. that feeling hasn't gone away since it started last night when we decided i was leaving. of course when i said i'd go it was an empty threat. i didn't really think he'd go along with it. i was kidding myself thinking he'd say don't go. he never said don't go.
i've been clutching stitch...the first thing he gave to me other than a kiss when we first met...for a good couple hours. i couldn't pack him away. i can't help feeling miserable. at least the feeling of my heart exploding in my chest every second has faded out some what. mom bought my ticket home today. there's no going back now. if chris wants me back after i'm gone we made a deal that he'd have to move to me this time. i think i made the deal just for closure for myself. i don't see it happening at all.
i don't want to go home. i already told reese i would be back on saturday. she was crying. everyone wanted me back so bad...though i can't figure out why. why is it that my friends care so much and the one person i want to want me wants me to go back to them? mom was always begging to have me home. i don't know why. hardly anyone cared when i was there. and that's the worst part...they'll all want to be there when i get home. reese already said she'd be there and spend the night and that her and aime would always be around me until im happy again. that's the biggest joke of all. the only thing that's made me happy is chris. i don't want to be around anyone in ohio. i don't want to hear i'm so sorry it didn't work but i'm so happy you're back. i don't care if you're happy i'm back! i don't want to be! the only place i want to be is where i'm not wanted. i'm not even wanted on this site. chris just called from a payphone on the way to work just to tell me not to join! damn him calling collect. i think that could've waited just a bit...even though it was already too late. it's that this place was his little sanctuary and he was here first. i can understand that but he said i could join before he left, so i did. how dare he call collect and change his mind! he made me believe for a second that something was wrong...and when he started off saying "i've been thinking about it" i thought for a second that he wanted me to stay but i was only crushed all over again. he could've waited. you only call collect from a pay phone if it's important!
as much as i want to talk to my friends right now i don't want to see them. i don't want to hear the i told you so's...especially from my family. mom was always begging me to come home. she always knew i'd be back. such votes of confidence. no one really thought i'd make it except for disallusioned little me. i thought i'd found my soulmate and the world could only get better from then on. i still believe he's my soulmate. nothing's going to change my mind on that. i was telling my friend oriel that i was moving back to ohio and he said i'll find a nice guy there. i don't want to find a guy no matter how nice. i don't want anyone else. how could he even assume i could want anyone else. chris says he doesn't want anyone else either...but he's such a magnet for girls...i'm sure he'lll find someone else someday. me, i've already given up.
i haven't eaten anything and i'm not at all hungry. i've barely slept. it was hard. i slept next to him last. i took a shower with him this morning. for old time's sake i suppose. he went a long with it. he feels so terrible for hurting me i know. it's not his fault. he's a closed off person and likes to be alone. i told him if he ever grows out of it he better look me up. i know i'll still be sitting in that basement room in ohio with my cats waiting for him. 3 more days i have to wait to get back there. i have to stay in cali 3 more days. i can't go anywhere to hide here. i can't avoid his family...or his eyes. i want to hold him...to cling to him. it just makes me feel a tiny bit better. his mom's not too happy. she always complained about us and me but apparently she liked me and thinks chris is making a mistake i guess. my family likes chris...chris likes my family. everything is just a shame now. i want to get rid of this throw up feeling. i was going to buy cigarettes earlier...but i realized if i do i'll just start smokig again and cigs aren't going to make it any better. nothing makes it any better. so i'm not going to buy them. i'm better off. i told reese one of the things i want to do when im back though is to go to kahunaville and get drunk but i really don't think i could go out in public...and have to see people i know and hear "hey i thought you moved to california" and i would have to reply "yea i did"
once upon a time there was a young girl named missy. she was the happiest girl in the world becuz someone finally loved her. it was all she ever dreamed about. it was all she ever wanted. but poor missy was cursed you see becuz she only dreamed her life away.
