A wise man once sang, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." I, myself, have joined him. My nights are often full of technicolor visions. Strange creatures collide into my world. Sometimes I'm in a cartoon dimension. Perhaps, at times, the future shows itself to me in small insignificant measures. Habitual vices can haunt like ghosts of the past. Even encounters of adulterous affairs have invaded. Male. Female. My subconscious does not discriminate...though I feel, it must not have a conscious of it's own.
In the waking hours though, my nights adventures fade and dwindle as the sleep is washed from my eyes. It isn't very often that I vividly recall what pranced through my head as I was sleeping. It's another type of dreaming that always seems to stay with me. I am a day dreamer. It occurs to me that I day dream quite frequently. What is it, you ask, that I could sit and muse about so often? Well I tell you, it is simply 'Peggy Sue Got Married.'
Some of you may read that and think, 'huh?' but some of you may understand. First off, if you've never seen Peggy Sue Got Married, (really? or you just don't want to admit it) it's a simple concept. Peggy Sue's grown up and her life is kinda shitty. She goes to her high school reunion, faints, and wakes up to find herself a teenager again. Peggy Sue remembers everything but must relive her life. The plot proses the grand ole question, what if? If you knew how the future would turn out, would you do the same things over again? Would you do things differently, unaware of how the outcome of the new decision?
And so if you should find me sitting alone, lost in thought, I assure you, I am contemplating Peggy Sue Got Married. I fantasize up past situations and wonder what my life would be like had I done it differently. What life lessons would I miss if I changed the slightest thing? It took me forever to quit smoking. I would like to think that I could not smoke in my past and it would not alter the time-space continuum. If I never became an alcoholic, I would have never had to realize I was one. Unfortunately, much too much of my past revolves around me drinking alcohol, purchasing alcohol, or being around alcohol. Of course there were also the sexual encounters that were the end result of alcohol. I think I would just have to sleep with less and/or different people. Yeah. Certain people I would leave out. One night stands and bad lays can't have too many life lessons attached, right? Then again, you never know. And those are only the things that seem insignificant to me.
Indefinitely, I would like to not get molested by people in my life. Or have supposed best friends go and fuck the molesters. Unfortunately, bad life experiences are life shaping. Darn. I think about how different my life would be had I never moved to California to live with my loser ex. That's a big one. Though it was a bad experience for me, in the very long run, if not for it, I would not be married right now. Think about it. Loser ex introduced me to SG. I joined SG to spite him when he so viciously sent me packing. SG became a big part of my life and it introduced me to Evan. Now you can say, well you probably would have eventually found SG in your internet travels, thus leading you down the same path. I have to disagree. My hometown in Ohio is not very big, and not at all interesting, entertaining, or in the least bit cool. I can't think of a single person there who would have told me I should join. The only other SG members I knew there congregated at the Nyabinghi and the only reason I started going to the Binghi was because a member on SG told me to! And even if I had joined at a later date, the Ohio group would have been taken over by someone else, or bahleeted by the tuffmeister due to inactivity.
One thing that always bothers me when I am fantasizing, is something I ended quickly. I often wonder where it would have ended up had we continued. Don't get me wrong. I love where I am now. I just think it would be interesting to see. To watch it play over the screen like a movie. To be able to say, either 'oh I'm glad that didn't happen' or 'wow, look what I missed.' Sometimes I dream that there are different dimensions our there (very much a possibility) so that other Missy's would make different decisions and things would work out for them in their respective lives.
The funny thing is, I remember the first big life change that happened to me. It was during the summer break before Kindergarten and 1st grade. Now in Kindergarten, I was best friends with the girls that went on to be the most popular. Hell. They even had the unique names like Teale and Maren. That alone made them popular. I got a call from the school just before fall. Apparently the class I had been put in with my friends was too full and they had to move me to Mrs. Thomas' class. I cried and I cried. The dimension with the Missy who didn't have to move classes, I laugh when I imagine. I suspect she would now have popped out a few kids, be still living in crap town, Ohio with some drunken loser husband who works at a factory and cheats on her repeatedly. If not that, I would have been an oblivious slut. Hell, I may have eventually late bloomed, found SG, and have hopeful under my name. haha.
The other day, I was talking tattoos with my 2 bosses, Pam & Fernanda. Fernanda was musing over getting a tattoo, but Pam was trying to dissuade her. Pam, herself, has tattoos and is not offended by them. She told Fernanda she was too indecisive to get a tattoo and didn't want her to regret it or anything. Fernanda tried to use me and my 11 tattoos as an argument. It was then that I received the best compliment I feel I will ever get in my life. Pam said, "Melissa (they call me Melissa at work) knows exactly who she is. She's not going to do something she regrets. She knows who she is and she's not going to change."
Sometimes it takes and outsiders view to see yourself. She's right. I don't regret things. I do things, and stupid as they may be sometimes, I wouldn't go back and change it. You live and you learn. Should I do something, look the fool for it, and come off as an obsessed fan girl, I'll learn my lesson. Can't cry over spilled milk and other cliches. We've made mistakes, that we can't change but there's still time to start again.