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This weekend was ridiculously overwhelming with chaotic situations. I will break it down quickly so as not to bore anyone.

- My uncle passed away on Friday, he had cancer for a long time so at least his suffering is over.
- I went to a wedding that included no one I knew or anyone who spoke English as a first language.
- Someone from the past called to tell me what a horrible person I am. I actually stood up for myself.
- I finally realize how precious time is with my family, and I hope to spend more time with them.
- I went for a four hour motorcycle ride with my dad. He sang Fergalicious.

Here's my new dress and my sad face:


And the party from last weekend which rocked my world:

I look so sweet, awwww.. I was probably drunk


My roommate and I "pulling chains" together


One of my many lovers


The people who attend most of my parties and are great, great fun




Now that we are all updated with my life and it's many winding turns, here is something I leave you with that will fill your heart with joy. ENJOY!
(Yes I have food in my mouth, I am chewing while I dance)

Do you ever feel completely jaded by technology? I don't know if it's the advancement of things or the lack of initiative in people.

It feels like with communication moving forward with more and more ease we would stay in touch more often. I think it's going the other way. The easier it becomes to communicate, the less interested we are in doing so. It upsets me so greatly that my "friends" never call unless they want something. I'm not excluding myself from this, I do neglect catching up at some points, but I try really hard to make it a point to keep in touch with everyone that is important.

I don't know if it's that with all the new flashy gadgets around we get distracted, or if with things becoming easier to do, we become a little more lazy. Whatever it is I hate it. I yearn for the deep connection with people and it doesn't exist very often. People think I'm crazy for caring more than I should.

My roommate told me this weekend that is why guys are uninterested in me. I do what I feel when I feel it and nothing really holds me back. I'm not scared of talking about things or looking you in the eye. So many people have a shield that no one is suppose to get past. That's the first thing I go for. I scare people off with my creepy style of getting to know you. I use to feel bad for doing this. I would try to have vague conversation about the latest episode of Lost. I just can't do it. People are so precious and individualistic that I have to KNOW you.

All of this comes together after I went to a psychic convention this weekend. I sat with a lady for almost an hour as she explained to me how I am and how a lot of people will not understand me. It was very hard to absorb. Everyone wants their happily ever after tale. All I got was a life of hard situations and few real relationships due to certain characteristics in my genetics. I'm not saying the whole thing was terrible, I guess you have to take the bad with the good. I think what made it so numbing is the fact that I base myself on relationships. I love people, being around them, knowing them, helping them, loving them, doing anything I can for them. To go even further, I don't really know any of you that read this but I care so much. I read your posts, I pray for you, I wonder how your situations turn out. Is that creepy? Hahaha.

I did learn a lot about myself and what I need to be doing with my life. Small glimpses of your life's path definitely helps set things into perspective. I know what is important and what to brush off. It was like a breath of fresh air.

It's been a while since I've posted. Things are always going so fast I never know what's going on.

My roommate graduated last week and we've been celebrating since then. We had a huge cookout this weekend and it went very well. I have never grilled so many burgers and hot dogs in my life, and I hope I never have to again. We gave tours of the scary basement (the building I live in was built in 1892) and tried to scare each other. Oh what a joyous occasion.

Yesterday I went to midtown and received my first of a long time massage. It was so good, it took me a while to come back to reality. We had lunch at R Thomas, which was amazing, I was allowed to pet birds. Then I went to borders and read about Soul Signs. I haven't ever been this relaxed. I came home to my roommate playing a zombie video game and my day was complete.

I know I just spoke of my weekend, I really don't remember the rest of the time before that. I know I am happy, thankful, healthy, and silly. The only disappointment is the lack of persons to share this with. Where do you find those people you can really connect with? I feel like I'm a whack job some times for always needing that connection with people. I really like good conversation and comfortable company. Come be my friend.

New pics should be up soon. My laptop died as soon as I got my camera fixed. So I'm in the process of fixing that. YAY!

**EDIT**

This song makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I thought I would share my mood.

I've been looking through these eyes
Of black and white for far too long
And now these deepened colors seem so shocking

Bless the cold, cold moon
That moves the sea that makes the waves
That made this scene for me to see and be moved

Will my life be long enough
To see the things I want to see?
I believe this world is just too big for me

Every cloud that passes by
Is another cloud I'll never see
Maybe I just try too hard
To understand all of these things
Bless the hands of painters
Who have captured melon skies
And starry nights for us to see and feel
For all of time

This life is just a blink of an eye
A glimpse into a world we were never meant to see
So don't hang on to anything at all

And all the things we have
And all the people we have known
Will fade away so quickly
Into the deep

And memories of love will be
The only warmth we have in the end

I think an email to a friend dictates most of what I'm doing lately. An extremely different path than I ever thought I would be taking, but here I am!

In the new year I have found myself transforming a lot of ideas I had. I find myself an idealistic person. Things will always happen a certain way, and if they do not, then it's not the right thing for me. This year has definitely shown me that my idealistic way isn't always the right way. God has some funky things he wants us to experience and I have to realize it's not inside this perfect box I have created.

Crossing my mind recently is a lot of heart felt questions. Do I really want to ever get married or have kids? Am I in the right profession? Where should I be going from here?

God is showing me a child's heart hidden under all the hurt and bitterness. He is showing me there isn't a black and white but a purple, green, red, and yellow all mixed up. I'm learning to unbury my heart and experience life as it is happening. The present is the only time we can really enjoy life, not thinking about the past or future. It's not easy.

Overall I am doing well, nothing really too new is sprouting. I'm still working, still breathing, still paying bills. I am trying to set my love life straight, and all the sharp corners keep cutting me. It's something I've needed to do for a long time. I hate being an adult. haha.

"Let the one who seeks not stop seeking until he finds. When he finds, he shall be troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be amazed, and shall come to transcend all things."

So life is finally getting back on track!

My wrist no longer hurts. It still has range of motion issues, but if it doesn't hurt I don't care about being able to bend it to complete angle degrees. You win some you lose some.

I also cleaned out a lot of cabinets and drawers in my apartment. I've been meaning to do this for months. I also called the maintenance guy to fix my faucets from leaking. I have put this off for so long that we finally turned the hot water off in the bathroom sink for the past 6 months. Yeah, I'm lazy.

Also, I think I'm finally getting things in order to get my national certification for massage. It seems there has been a lot of mix ups with my paper work, but hopefully today was the end of that.

I also put myself on a budget. I think after the wrist fiasco I have decided to try and save more money. I don't know what I would have done if I had to take off from work. Once I started looking at my numbers I realized how much was going to really trivial things. I am such a spending whore, I buy the dumbest shit. Hopefully I have put an end to this.

I also want to mention the drag show I went to in L5P on Saturday. Apparently this happens every Saturday and I want to make it a point to become a regular. It was the most entertaining show. When I get to see a grown man dressed as a woman do cartwheels, back flips, and splits... I can't ask for much more from a Saturday night. (I'm really anticipating this offending someone)

I feel really pretty lately. I've been receiving some really nice compliments and desirable looks. I like it. Thank you, that is all.

To update everyone this past week has been a hard one. I found out that the bones in my forearm are separating due to overuse in massage. This is causing my wrist to be dislocated. It's kind of disgusting, because a huge bone sticks out on top of my wrist, and when it is relaxed it looks disconnected. You can even see where the tendons have started to separate in my wrist. It doesn't hurt that bad, but I can't do as many massages as I was. It's hard to take a pay cut. I'm really pissed off because I want to do the work, I'm just not able. I was told it will take up to 6 weeks for the two bones to come close enough for the wrist to go back into place. Oh the joy of waiting.





The Ulna and the Radius are separating causing the Lunate bone to not be secured in place. A small anatomy lesson for all. Feel really sorry for me starting now.

Last night was a great night! I finally convinced someone to go dancing with me!!!

I started at Jocks & Jills in Canton (represent!). We had a few martinis and got the juices flowing. We sent out a few lewd video messages to people and were ready to rock'n'roll. My friend and I made our way down to L5P to meet up with a few friends. When I got downtown my friend flaked out but I heard from Haga and he said some SG people were hanging out at the Corner Tavern. I met up, said a few kind words, but was still ready to dance. I'm sorry to anyone if I came off as rude, I really wanted to move my money maker. I didn't stay long, it was nice to meet everyone!

We made our way to MJQ. I'm so glad I have a friend who will go to dance. I hate going to places like that with people who are uncomfortable with really dancing. I think we stayed for a few hours. We met up with some really nice people and traded moves. I also ran into romanswantmyblud randomly. It turned out to be a night of seeing people I wasn't expecting to see. It's been so long since I've went dancing, I think it really helps with the anxiety problems. I dance until I can't hardly move, maybe this can be my new medication, haha.

I wish I had pictures from all the madness. I need to hire someone to follow me and take pictures when I want them. If you know of anyone, let me know..

Today was a very interesting and horrible day.

I got up this morning for work and decided to wait and eat breakfast after my shower. I find that I'm getting hungry early in the day, I was hoping to move all my meals forward an hour so I wasn't starving before lunch. I thought this was a good idea, but due to my hypoglycemia, it turned out to be a mistake. I was in the shower and I felt my usual "I'm going to pass out" feeling when I don't eat. I got out of the shower, I was so weak I couldn't even make it to my room, I had to lay down in the floor of the bathroom. I didn't regain consciousness for about an hour. I had 15 minutes to get to work.

Being the cool person that I am, when I pass out from low blood sugar, usually I have an anxiety attack when I get my wits about me. For the first 30 minutes at work I was shaking and fighting the lump in my throat. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I felt so stupid for thinking I could wait to eat, I knew better.

I am very blessed with job I have because everyone could tell something was wrong. I explained the situation, they canceled most appointments. I did the few massages I had to do, and I came home and crashed. I still feel like crap.