is it a bad thing, in a long-distance relationship, when you've got that "what's the point, really?" feeling and as such you're reluctant to make your nightly phone call to your other?

i don't like feeling afraid, especially of my own girlfriend. or am i afriad of myself?

bollocks.

i’ve just had an epiphany like none other.

each one of us has a personality trait that can be either our greatest asset or our greatest flaw. for some it’s fierce independence, for others it’s a desperate innocence, but for me, i’ve realized tonight, it’s an almost fanatical dedication to logic. i don’t know how to explain it, but... well, if you know me well enough, i think you’ll know what i mean. hrm... an example: some people are semi-nudists because they are free and open and crazy-happy with their bodies. some are exhibitionists. i, on the other hand, look at it like this: "clothes are primarily designed to retain heat. if it’s hot out, your body needs to release heat to stay functional. therefore, wearing clothes when it’s hot out doesn’t make any sense, and as such we should all go naked in the summertime." you see? maybe that’s kind of a weird example, but... well, you get the idea. i apply this sort of thinking to everything, and while it makes life much easier sometimes, at other times it severly impedes my emotional and social progress.

another example: if i’m not enjoying a cocktail party, i don’t see why i can’t just leave. the answer? "well, obviously because that would be an affront to the host!" what?!?!? what a bollocks social constraint! i’m not having a good time, but i should suffer for some vaguely defined social norm? fuck off! i finally, however, give in and play the game, to the point that when others defy the norms i get offended. it’s like... "if i have to play by the rules then you do too!" but then... why my constant sense of feeble rebellion since i was 15 or so? am i defying society, or am i defying myself trying to fit into society?

*sigh*

i dunno... it could just be a load of half-conceived bullshit, but... well...

yeah.

it's been a while, so i’ll just hit the important stuff.

Russ, Sarci’s Dad, died a week ago (Tuesday the 28th). i got a call in the afternoon, and by Wednesday morning was on a plane home. the school was really helpful and understanding, especially considering we’re mid-production right now, and i’m quite grateful for that. arrived Wednesday night and was mauled at-first-sight, and spent a wonderful evening just talking to her and letting her cry and vent.

Thursday was the memorial service, and though i knew that Russ was an amazing man and well-loved, i had no idea how great his influence was throughout his community. i was truly moved. afterwards a group of us went to Applebee’s to eat, and that was cool. it was nice to meet and hang with Sarci’s family and closest friends, especially the Fabulous Five (or whatever they’re calling themselves nowadays). that night we got drunk and stuff.

Friday was the burial, private. more tears, more closure, what could be expected besides? spent the night just chillin’ with Sarci and Tricia, which was nice.

The weekend all kinda blurs together. Sarci’s family all headed home, the Columbia disaster occurred, we spent some good hours and days just being together, talked a lot, my parents and brother came in Saturday, met Sarci’s mom and Cameron and stuff. saw ’em again on Sunday for lunch, that was nice too. i dunno, nothing huge happened per se, but it was just... good in every respect.

i dunno what really is goin’ on right now at all, as transatlantic travel tends to bleed one day into another. Monday and Tuesday, as such seem to be one and the same in my memory. i know Monday was rather up and down emotionally for me, dizzying highs and terrifying lows, and not much else. slept most of the plane ride, and then today returned to classes at long last, which was nice. tonight’s been low-key: i treated myself to a nice dinner and have been reading a lot, and i’m probably gonna give Sarci a ring here soon and go to bed early.

my mood right now is so odd though... maybe it’s the jetlag, but... the 5 days i spent in Lexington were incredible, barring the reason why i was there, but now, being here again... i dunno, i’m just... emotionally queasy, nervous, weirded out. something’s... off, and i can’t place what, and it’s bothering me. is it just that horrible blast of homesickness that always tends to hit me during the first few days back here, all coming on at once? is it some deep soul-knowledge of something wrong, like the gut feeling during lunch one week ago today? is it just some faint hint of illness? i dunno, and i guess i should stop worrying about it, because i can’t know. i’m... scared, though. and it’s scarier that i don’t know why.

for some fucking reason my "Championship Manager '01-'02" isn't working again, and that sucks 'cuz i just got into a new season. oh well, i guess i'll have to actually work on stuff for school as opposed to playing games.

alright, so this morning there was like 3/4" of an inch of snow throughout London, most of which melted by 10am, and the headlines of nearly all the local papers blared some variation on CHAOS IN THE SNOW

i can’t help but giggle.

in other news,i just jumped off of a moving bus.

today was boring, as i’ve grown accustomed to Sundays being. i entertained myself for the most part, decorating and reading and watching football on TV. all in all i’m in a decent mood, but for some reason in the last 20 minutes or so i’ve gotten FIERCELY homesick and it sucks. ah well... tomorrow we start classes again, and Tuesday the dorm fills back up, which is cool. it’ll be nice to have human contact again, heh... anyway... oh well i dunno, i’m just sad i guess. i really don’t wanna be alone tonight, and i know i have to be and will be until mid-March. kinda depressing, but just something i have to deal with.

my Xmas break was wonderful. i spent most of it in Lexington, not surprisingly, and that’s exactly what was needed to set my soul and mind in order. after the aforementioned weirdness with flying in from London and recovering from a fierce case of jet lag, i spent a few good days up in Iowa at Cornell, visiting with old friends and making new ones. i did something i really shouldn’t have, and that i’ll keep between myself and a few specific people who need to know, but overall it was incredibly nice to be there again.

after returning i spent a day or two with family in Nashville, then went down to Lexington for a few days. it was a strange weekend, as it was the first time Sarci and i were together for any real length of time since i’d been gone. we bickered and cried as much as we laughed and cuddled, but all in all it was good for us, considering all that has happened.

i left reluctantly on Xmas Eve to drive back to Danville, IL for my family celebrations, and had to work my way through a terrific blizzard. it was hard going, but i got home okay. had a great time with my aunts and uncles and cousins, and got some awesome presents: a new luggage set, a desk chair, the "Monty Python LIVE!" video set, and plane tickets for a one-week visit from Sarci over her Spring Break (!!!!). that last one was particularly surprising and cool, and even more so to her. hee hee... my parents rock.

anyway, after Xmas i went back to LexVegas to help Sarci move into her new house, which is excellent. i presented her with the Spring Break trip, and she lost her marbles, so that was cool. we spent a good two days just packing up and making trips back and forth from old to new abode, and the rest of the time was just chillin’, but unlike the previous weekend it was comfortable on all fronts. her and i worked as a team, physically, emotionally, in every way, and i was uncontrollably happy. things were right again, we’d come through the storm together and triumphant, and though i still have fear and doubt in some respects, i’m a fuck of a lot more confident both in myself and in the relationship.

New Year’s Eve we drove back to Nashville and spent the crazy night with my friends, drinking and playing video games and Trivial Pursuit and stuff. Sarci went home the evening of the 1st, and that was a hard parting since she was planning to stay another night but was barred from doing so by her mom’s mood swings, and i cried a bit as she drove off...

packed up, got up early on the 2nd and spent rougly 24 hours on 3 different planes in various cities, catching sleep and food where i could, finally arriving in London yesterday. i’m not as jetlagged as i though i would be, which is nice, but i am quite lonely. there’s almost no one in the dorm save me and the staff, and all my UK buds are busy or out of town, so my return has been rather unheralded. today i’ve had almost no human contact save on the telecommunications front, and probably won’t tomorrow either, unless i run into Paul or Kev by some freak accident.

overall, my break was wonderful. i saw my family, and spent a nice holiday with them, and saw old friends and partied like a rock star, but most of all i reconciled myself with Sarci and fell in love all over again. mistakes have been made, apologies have been given, and frankly i’m desirous to put everything in the past and just move on with as clean a slate as can be. i know people will say i’m making a mistake, but i don’t care. i know who i love and what has happened, and i’ve made my own choice. and i’m happy.

now, off to watch the Simpsons....

today was alright, i suppose. i woke up late (around 10), went to choir rehearsal at 11, then had a long lunch and attended Daemons at 2:30. it was quite good, especially the performance of Paul Agar as "The Creature," but i thought overall the script could use a little editing. after that a few of us went to the Cab for some drinks. i had 4 or 5 pints and am feeling a littel tipsy, i suppose.

right, off to find dinner.

today was fucking cool! this morning Rodney Cottier, one of the foremost actors/stage combat directors in England, gave us a really fucking awesome lecture on Shakespeare's histories (Richard II, Henry IV pts 1 and 2, Henry V, Henry VI pts 1-3, and Richard III), explaining how they all link together, what historical inaccuracies there are, why certain characters are written the way they are, etc. it was SO fucking interesting. apparently Elizabeth II, the reigning monarch, technically shouldn't really be on the throne, but her great-great-great grandfather usurped via a series of grisly murders and a few well-timed alliances with France. and there was one king, George I, who didn't even speak English! he was from Germany, but after a war in which all the other heirs were killed he was the only person left who could legally assume the throne, and that only because he was a 3rd cousin of the king's adopted nephew or something. weirdness.

this afternoon we had a session on Restoration-era makeup. the fashion of the Restoration, which was from the mid-1600s through the early 1800s or so, is that crazy ass shit with the 4-1/2 foot tall wigs, whiteface makeup, black "beauty marks," gigantic dresses, etc. you know what i'm talking about, i'm sure - think Annie Lennox's "Walking on Broken Glass" video. what made it doubley cool was that i got to be the male guinea pig, so i had one of the world's foremost theatrical makeup designers fix me up as a "fop" from the late 1600s: white face, tiny little painted on heart-shaped mouth, gigantic curvey eyebows, 5 beauty marks, lace cravat, 7-inch heels, the whole shebang. it was wicked. there's a pic somewhere, that Kaitlyn took, so i'll put it up as soon as i get a copy.

tonight's not looking too eventful. there's nowt to do, it's cold, it's a monday, the TV lounge is occupied, everyone else is occupied with finals... bah. eh, i'll just have to make my own fun (read: masturbate a lot).