T-minus one week until I finish my twenty-third trip around the sun.

T-minus six days until my account goes gray.

I'm hoping my next "paycheck" looks good. Or maybe the one after that. Sucks that my account will be inactive a day before my birthday, but hopefully I'll make enough money within the next couple of weeks to reactivate it.

Also, paycheck is in quotation marks because I don't get paychecks, they put all my money on a card, and it's a pain in my ass.

My birthday's coming up in ten days, and my account will probably be inactive at that point.

Dammit.

I should be asleep right now. But I don't have to be at the god-awful job of mine until 3:30 tomorrow afternoon, so whatevs.

Good news is, I finally got a computer. I didn't get my old one back. The fucking tool who's supposed to be fixing it has had it for almost three months, and doesn't seem to understand that if I don't finish my GD course by August, I lose 800 bucks. My mama was kind enough to lend me some money, and we split the cost on a cheap but decent laptop that'll allow for me to finish my course and then get through school.
I honestly think the guy did something to fuck up my computer and doesn't wanna give me back my money that I already spent on it. Regardless of why he's dodging my calls, he's kinda being a bag of dicks right now.

Bad news is, because I had to spend almost every cent I had on this laptop to finish my course, my account here is probably gonna have to go gray for a few weeks. I didn't realize until a day or two ago that it's already been a year since I reactivated it, and all this financial idiocy is hitting me right when I'm supposed to pay for my membership.

I'm really gonna try to set aside some money for it. I like it here too much to leave for long, like I did last time this happened. I'm hoping I'll get to come back soon.

Holy shit. I somehow managed to get a new job, one that I thought I'd like. But so far, I can't stand it. All it's been is stress stress stress. Starting a new job is always stressful, but I feel like this is really starting to take its toll on me and I'm not sure I want to put up with it for much longer. I'm just so sick of everything. This job included, and its only been a couple of weeks. It feels totally wrong already, which makes me wonder about my own judgement as well. If I thought I'd like this job and I can't stand it, am I wrong to want to be in Cali so badly, too??

Hoping I can hold on to this until something else comes along, since I was let go from the other coffee shop job I had. It's my only source of income now. I'm honeslty not sure that I can stand this for much longer, though. I guess we'll see.

So uh... I just had my friend's boyfriend harass me through text messages because a few months ago he made me feel very uncomfortable with his texts, and I told her about it. He essentially came to me asking me to sleep with him (Without actually saying those words. But I'm not fucking stupid, I know what's going on when a guy randomly says he needs a friend with benefits to his girlfriend's friend. We were never close enough for him to vent about that kind of a situation to me.) She's apparently not very interested in him when it comes to that. He asked me not to say anything of course, but I really don't understand how he could not expect me to say something to her, I was her friend way before I ever met him. He's on probation right now, so we're all starting to see the sober version of him after years of him being either drunk or stoned, and now I wish I'd never met him in the first place. Needless to say, he wasn't kind. I'm not hurt by his words. I'm just wondering how much stupid BULLSHIT will I have to deal with before things start going right???

This is so fucking stupid. What the fuck.

A friend and I are planning a roadtrip out to California this summer. I love her to death, but alas, she can be a bit of flake sometimes. She's fucked me over before, so excuse me for being a bit skeptical about this trip we're supposed to take. I'm hoping this actually happens. I kind of really need it to happen. I had this realization. Some other friends and I went on a hike near the foothills yesterday. I was kind of astounded by how beautiful the mountains were. I guess I've been here so long that I haven't really looked at them in ages. I wondered to myself how I would feel if I really did end up moving to Cali and couldn't see the Rockies anymore. Nothing immediately popped up for me, but as I continued to look at those mountains, I found myself feeling almost disgusted with them. I'm SICK of looking at them, that's probably why I haven't really noticed them for a good long while. The Rockies are incredibly gorgeous, that's for sure. But for as long as I can remember, they've never felt like home to me. I've always wanted to be near the ocean.

Even if I were to move and then become a little "homesick", I don't think that homesickness would ever become bigger than my hatred for snow, or the pain I feel when I think of Colorado. I know shit happens everywhere. But I have too many bad memories of this place. I've been here too long and have had too many bad things happen to me here. This place is so bland and dead to me, nothing looks real. I need a new start, somewhere else. Hopefully, when I do move, whatever bullshit life flings at me out in California won't hurt as much.

It really breaks my heart that I'll probably have to experience a few more winters here. Yeah, later on, a few years won't seem very long. But, I'm not going to start being crushed by this place "in a few years", that's already happening. Ergo, I'd like to get out of this state as soon as possible. But, of course, life won't allow for that right now. Well, fuck.

So, a roadtrip out to Cali is the best I can do for now. We're planning on checking out Napa Valley (and getting drunk on wine there, of course), San Fransisco, and then LA. I need this to happen because I feel kind of dead inside, honestly. I'm hoping checking out California AND SEEING SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FIFTEEN YEARS will help to change that, as well as continue to motivate me to get my shit together so that I can move out there soon. At the end of the day, I don't see myself becoming homesick for this state, ever. Nostalgic, yes. Homesick... Hell no. Like I said, this place never felt like home to begin with.

Wish me luck, friends. Words could never express how badly I want to go out there. I SERIOUSLY need this change of scenery. I need to be near the ocean. Even if it's only for a short while.

My anxiety and paranoia are excruciating tonight. I wish they would simply leave me alone, living in fear can't be healthy. But, as a realist, I can't ignore how shitty this world and a lot of the people in it seem to be.

I need to focus on the things in this world that are beautiful. I need to find some sort of middle ground between awareness and peace. Easier said than done.

The fact that my life still seems to be shit - no matter how hard I try to change things for the better - doesn't help. It seems like no amount of hoping, or wishful thinking, or trying, has done me any good so far. Everything ALWAYS goes to shit. No matter how positively I try to think, almost everything falls apart sooner or later. Kinda makes me wonder if I was ever meant to be happy. True happiness and peace haven't happened for me so far. I've never had it in me to just give up, I'm too stubborn to not hope at least a little bit. But I feel like I slip closer and closer to giving up on everything and just letting myself rot away every day. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue trying when everything seems to be crushing me.

At the age of twenty-two, I feel old as dirt. I just want to be fucking happy.

My two cents on snow.

I fucking DESPISE snow. And having to drive after it's snowed. Why the fuck does it ALWAYS snow the day before I have to drive to work?? Pretty much every Monday and Tuesday for the past couple of months it's been snowing. Fuck that bullshit. I got in an accident a couple weeks ago because of this shit. If it happens again, I will be absolutely irate.

It's fuckin' April. A third of the year is over but we're still having blizzard-like conditions here. I JUST WANT IT TO BE WARM AND NOT SNOWY!!!

And if anyone tells me to move if I don't like it, faces will be punched. If I could afford to move I would have gotten away from this crap a LONG time ago. In all seriousness, though, the second I get a chance to move somewhere warmer where it won't snow nearly as much as it does here, I'M TAKING IT. And chances are I'll never move back.

That is all.

Sigh. Being in love with someone you'll never have causes the STUPIDEST, most annoying kind of pain.

So unbelievably ridiculous. No matter how many times I tell myself to just let it go, for some shitty reason, I can't. All I'm doing is making myself miserable, but nothing ever changes, no matter how hard I try to just move on. Maybe someday I'll find someone who will make me feel the way he makes me feel. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but it's really difficult. A life without him in it just seems so bland to me. Even if I do end up finding someone that I can love the way I love him.

I feel so silly. I wish I didn't feel this way about him.

I'll be 23 in two months, but I'm just now starting to feel like I'm becoming an adult. When I think back to just a few years ago, I remember thinking that I was SUCH an adult, just because I was past the age of 18. Pffft. Looking back, I also realize just how wrong I was. I'm not saying I'm the most mature person in the world, or that I'm SUPER-mature now, I just know that back then, I was no adult. I've come such a long way in just a few years, but I know I also still have a long way to go. No matter how old someone is, there's always a chance to learn something new, and there's always a chance to grow.

Part of growing up is realizing when things need to change. It's time for me to move my life forward. No more vegging, no more dicking around. I'm tired of my life being what it's been these past 23 years. I'm going to make shit happen now. It's time for me to have a life I can say I love. Wish me luck, I'm going back to school in the fall.