Bonjour,
So it's been awhile since I've blogged, that's for sure. I'm really having a moment where I need to express myself to an unbiased and unknowing audience. A lot of stress, but also a lot of emotion I need to release....
I'm in Switzerland and it is nothing less of beautiful, opportune, and wondrous. A lot of positive things have been coming my way, but I think I'm stuck on the challenges. I never seem to enjoy things that come easily, and I just think it's a part of what makes me "me". A lot of people like to make decisions when they get the fork in the road, but I usually carry around a map. I plan to get lost., and I anticipate the curves, traffic, etc. Sometimes I even look forward to them, and when they don't come it's a little bit of a fun kill. I guess what I'm saying is I like things to go as planned... and yes, I have quite the master plan.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and I try to remain positive yet cynical. If that is even possible, I am doing it. So, I guess what brings all of this up is a guy I'm seeing. I've been single for awhile after a very tumultuous and passionate lover and I decided to go our separate ways. He really ripped my heart out and stomped on it hard. It was that kind of crazy love, but it was perfect in an incredibly fucked up way. That kind of love you love to hate and hate to love. This new guy is so nice and respectful and gentlemanly and sometimes chauvinistic. A little too much... it just feels off. I don't think the language barrier helps any... he speaks French, but I do need to brush up. I guess I'm just home and heart sick. Even after we made love, I felt beyond distant. In fact, it worsened my fleeing drive. Part of me wants to end this month long fling and forget it ever happened. Why do I do this to myself? I am deathly afraid of vulnerability and love. I had it envisioned a long time ago, I found it, I lost it, and now I think I'm done. Fuck it, I've been listening to Taylor Swift and The Veronicas to ease my lonely heart. Why can't I just suck it up and be normal... don't most people just let love build over time? Because right now it sucks.
Also, we had sex the first time. No I am not a prude/noob/etc, but I don't want to do it again. It was not enjoyable in the least bit . Dude had no technique especially on me. He didn't stay hard and we gave up, but he didn't even try to please me. I don't think he knows how. Yes, this is an excellent opportunity to teach him. But I really don't want to. This is not a challenge I saw coming, and that fact inhibits me from taking it on. I like foreseen challenges... my calculated trials and tribulations are a cause of much anxiety and depression. Yes, men, this is what women talk about when you aren't there.
I'm also putting all of my eggs in one basket... ew I just realized that has an extremely sexual context. Anyways, I have shut myself off from a social life. I really, truly don't have any interest in a lot of the kids at my school. They are a few years younger than me and super cliche, stupid, and petty. I just get bad vibes... and I really am trying to maintain a positive one, but I just can't... I can't anymore. Le sigh. I need to make more friends. It's just so fucking expensive to do anything here. I want to go out and have fun, but it will cost me a left breast. Sooo I mooch of said guy? This is a moral dilemma. I see myself slipping down a slippery slope that doesn't lead anywhere good. I need someone to extend a hand, but I doubt anyone will. Despite, I will keep my eyes open for a saving grace.
Welp that's it. Besides this, I saw France this weekend and got Subway in Europe. They have vegetarian meat substitute! That was the highlight to my weekend. I have some lovely midterms tomorrow and I'm drowning in deadlines.
SOS & hearts
Oh and I made this sweet collage today while procrastinating
So it's been awhile since I've blogged, that's for sure. I'm really having a moment where I need to express myself to an unbiased and unknowing audience. A lot of stress, but also a lot of emotion I need to release....
I'm in Switzerland and it is nothing less of beautiful, opportune, and wondrous. A lot of positive things have been coming my way, but I think I'm stuck on the challenges. I never seem to enjoy things that come easily, and I just think it's a part of what makes me "me". A lot of people like to make decisions when they get the fork in the road, but I usually carry around a map. I plan to get lost., and I anticipate the curves, traffic, etc. Sometimes I even look forward to them, and when they don't come it's a little bit of a fun kill. I guess what I'm saying is I like things to go as planned... and yes, I have quite the master plan.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and I try to remain positive yet cynical. If that is even possible, I am doing it. So, I guess what brings all of this up is a guy I'm seeing. I've been single for awhile after a very tumultuous and passionate lover and I decided to go our separate ways. He really ripped my heart out and stomped on it hard. It was that kind of crazy love, but it was perfect in an incredibly fucked up way. That kind of love you love to hate and hate to love. This new guy is so nice and respectful and gentlemanly and sometimes chauvinistic. A little too much... it just feels off. I don't think the language barrier helps any... he speaks French, but I do need to brush up. I guess I'm just home and heart sick. Even after we made love, I felt beyond distant. In fact, it worsened my fleeing drive. Part of me wants to end this month long fling and forget it ever happened. Why do I do this to myself? I am deathly afraid of vulnerability and love. I had it envisioned a long time ago, I found it, I lost it, and now I think I'm done. Fuck it, I've been listening to Taylor Swift and The Veronicas to ease my lonely heart. Why can't I just suck it up and be normal... don't most people just let love build over time? Because right now it sucks.
Also, we had sex the first time. No I am not a prude/noob/etc, but I don't want to do it again. It was not enjoyable in the least bit . Dude had no technique especially on me. He didn't stay hard and we gave up, but he didn't even try to please me. I don't think he knows how. Yes, this is an excellent opportunity to teach him. But I really don't want to. This is not a challenge I saw coming, and that fact inhibits me from taking it on. I like foreseen challenges... my calculated trials and tribulations are a cause of much anxiety and depression. Yes, men, this is what women talk about when you aren't there.
I'm also putting all of my eggs in one basket... ew I just realized that has an extremely sexual context. Anyways, I have shut myself off from a social life. I really, truly don't have any interest in a lot of the kids at my school. They are a few years younger than me and super cliche, stupid, and petty. I just get bad vibes... and I really am trying to maintain a positive one, but I just can't... I can't anymore. Le sigh. I need to make more friends. It's just so fucking expensive to do anything here. I want to go out and have fun, but it will cost me a left breast. Sooo I mooch of said guy? This is a moral dilemma. I see myself slipping down a slippery slope that doesn't lead anywhere good. I need someone to extend a hand, but I doubt anyone will. Despite, I will keep my eyes open for a saving grace.
Welp that's it. Besides this, I saw France this weekend and got Subway in Europe. They have vegetarian meat substitute! That was the highlight to my weekend. I have some lovely midterms tomorrow and I'm drowning in deadlines.
SOS & hearts
Oh and I made this sweet collage today while procrastinating