This blog comes with a trigger warning!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been a very long time since my last blog. I haven't had much to say to be honest, life hasn't been treating me well but I don't like yelling on the Internet. Yesterday changed that. Around 10am the first 911 calls started coming in about a shooting in Ottawa the capital city of Canada home to our Parlaiment amid various museums and memorials. This shooting happened at the Canadian War Memorial, at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. The soldier that guards the tomb was shot with a long barrel rifle, point blank.
Not finished the shooter then moved on to Parlaiment. How is it possible that he managed to get from one place to another without being stopped? Well the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is only about 900 metres from Parlaiment Hill, so not a long distance but an open one. Once inside the gunman didn't do any damage that has been reported yet, no other casualties that is and was shot dead by the Parlaiment Sergent-at-Arms. Normally an honourific post where old soldiers go to finish their time in service, there had even been talks of disarming the Sergent-at-Arms only two years ago.
There is plenty of video of the incident all of our national police force the R.C.M.P. running to the threat, but this is the second attack on our soldiers in three days, and two men are dead. (Three if you count the shooter) it is days like today I regret hanging up my uniform, it's days like today where I am filled with an impotent rage because of my inability to contribute anything.
This is what we are used to seeing on Parlaiment Hill.
These are some images from today and they come with a STRONG TRIGGER WARNING!!
Now being back in the army wouldn't have made me feel any less angry or unable to effect change, or even help out in Ottawa as I probably wouldn't even have been stationed in the city, but at least I would have felt like at some point I may have. Or at least been surrounded by others that understood how I was feeling about the situation.
Fortunately for me my son is a very bright kid and when he got home from school he said "Dad I want your credit card, debit card, and any cash you have on hand." He already could tell that I was probably going to go for my usual therapy when something like this happens. Hit a shitty bar and get into a drunken fight with someone. Failing that getting drunk enough to last for a day or two. So I hit the gym instead, got messages from old friends and some new ones all whom have served in the Canadian Armed Forces., all helping keep me level, because to top it all off today is also the fifth anniversary of an old army buddy eating his gun after leaving the army after his second tour in Afganistan. Today just piled on and on.
The gym didn't make me any less angry, but it curbed my desire to drink so it was still a win. I haven't slep yet making it 24 hours since I've slept making me wonder how I will get through today but I'm sure it will involve buckets of coffee, and probably at least one more trip to the gym.
While I question my decision every time something like this happens be it in Canada or elsewhere in the World it will pass. I couldn't go back in any case. I may have my PTSD under control but too much exposure to that world again would likely send me into a downward spiral that would end in a bad way for me.
I will say this though. Everything about how our news outlets handled today's events screamed of professionalism and poise. There were no guessing games, no panic, no rushes to judgement, just this is what we know, when we know more we'll tell you, but until then, stay calm, it's happening we can't change it, and guessing will only make things worse.
In closing there are a few things I know. Soldiers should only die in one of two places. In service to their country protecting and defending it, or in their beds as elderly people who's time has naturally come. Not standing on an unarmed honour guard outside at a memorial for fallen soldiers; and today is a new day. The sun will rise and set, babies will be born and people will die. The world will continue to spin and we are just along for the ride so hold on, make it count because less than what you think is within your ability to control. Love, laugh, and be happy because it's all over some day, and you don't know when.