Women can be so crazy!
I've been so lovelorn of late that I took the drastic step of ordering a DVD to help me hone my courtship techniques.
I was somewhat confused when the DVD arrived: you see, I was fairly sure that I had ordered "Seduction For Beginners #7: The Difference Between 'Sex' and 'Rape'" , and yet the DVD I recieved was emblazened with the title "Mating Rituals of the Northern Savanha".
But then I remembered the words of my late grandfather, Ruddiger Shuttle: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!", so I decided to do the best with what I had, and between you and me, I think that the Savanha Mating DVD gave me some really practical tips on how to get ahead in date-land.
I had just finished practising some of the more intricate manuevres that the DVD had demonstrated when I recieved a phonecall from my mother telling me that she'd "pulled some strings" and thereby managed to get me a date for the evening. The date was to be in a rather posh and fashionable London bar. Overcome with nerves, I endevoured to commit fully to the teachings of my new DVD.
So I turned up to my date smeared with the blood of an antelope I had killed earlier that day. My date was already sat at the bar in a shiny dress. I knew from the baffled, horrified look on her face that I'd have to perform at my very peak in order to impress her.
As I approached my date, I opened my mouth and eyes as far as they would go and got on all-fours, spread my rear plumage and began writhing around in a sweaty frenzy, randomly emitting an alarming high-pitched squeal. I only did this for around seven minutes or so (I didn't want to show off on the first date, plus my eyes were hurting from not blinking during the display. The DVD said that it's important not to blink during the display.)
I could tell that she was really impressed because she began to cry, so I decided to go all-out and really impress her: First, I extended my brightly-coloured neck flaps as far as they would go and regurgitated an oily substance onto her dress. Then for my grand finale, I dislocated my jaw and engulfed an entire live pigeon.
The next thing I remember, I was lying naked in a dumpster outside the bar, with the words 'Do Not Resuscitate' carved into my chest.
I'm sure that the date went really well. I mean, I did everything that the DVD said, and that DVD was compiled by the world's foremost sexologist*.
Strangley, she hasn't called me back though. Some people are just screwy, I swear. Her loss.
*sigh*
*zoologist
I've been so lovelorn of late that I took the drastic step of ordering a DVD to help me hone my courtship techniques.
I was somewhat confused when the DVD arrived: you see, I was fairly sure that I had ordered "Seduction For Beginners #7: The Difference Between 'Sex' and 'Rape'" , and yet the DVD I recieved was emblazened with the title "Mating Rituals of the Northern Savanha".
But then I remembered the words of my late grandfather, Ruddiger Shuttle: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!", so I decided to do the best with what I had, and between you and me, I think that the Savanha Mating DVD gave me some really practical tips on how to get ahead in date-land.
I had just finished practising some of the more intricate manuevres that the DVD had demonstrated when I recieved a phonecall from my mother telling me that she'd "pulled some strings" and thereby managed to get me a date for the evening. The date was to be in a rather posh and fashionable London bar. Overcome with nerves, I endevoured to commit fully to the teachings of my new DVD.
So I turned up to my date smeared with the blood of an antelope I had killed earlier that day. My date was already sat at the bar in a shiny dress. I knew from the baffled, horrified look on her face that I'd have to perform at my very peak in order to impress her.
As I approached my date, I opened my mouth and eyes as far as they would go and got on all-fours, spread my rear plumage and began writhing around in a sweaty frenzy, randomly emitting an alarming high-pitched squeal. I only did this for around seven minutes or so (I didn't want to show off on the first date, plus my eyes were hurting from not blinking during the display. The DVD said that it's important not to blink during the display.)
I could tell that she was really impressed because she began to cry, so I decided to go all-out and really impress her: First, I extended my brightly-coloured neck flaps as far as they would go and regurgitated an oily substance onto her dress. Then for my grand finale, I dislocated my jaw and engulfed an entire live pigeon.
The next thing I remember, I was lying naked in a dumpster outside the bar, with the words 'Do Not Resuscitate' carved into my chest.
I'm sure that the date went really well. I mean, I did everything that the DVD said, and that DVD was compiled by the world's foremost sexologist*.
Strangley, she hasn't called me back though. Some people are just screwy, I swear. Her loss.
*sigh*
*zoologist
don't get me wrong, i love mr.shrew, but i'm starting to feel as though this is a somewhat one-sided relationship.
Just yesterday, for example, Ii was servicing my shrew with one of my trade-marked 'intimate massages', when he began clawing ferociously at my larynx. What's more, he then went on to dismiss my theories on Gladstonian Liberalism as 'myopic and one-sided', then did a poo on my favorite towel*.
i'm starting to yearn for a companion who isn't the following:
- a shrew
- male
I grow weary of this thankless, unrequited shrew-love. but i shall percevere
*it has a signed likeness of mr.T on it.
Just yesterday, for example, Ii was servicing my shrew with one of my trade-marked 'intimate massages', when he began clawing ferociously at my larynx. What's more, he then went on to dismiss my theories on Gladstonian Liberalism as 'myopic and one-sided', then did a poo on my favorite towel*.
i'm starting to yearn for a companion who isn't the following:
- a shrew
- male
I grow weary of this thankless, unrequited shrew-love. but i shall percevere
*it has a signed likeness of mr.T on it.
My Greased Shrew
I have a new pet!
He sure is hard work though, i've decided to take a break from 'the daily grind' of my studies and tend to the every whim of my new pet shrew.
my daily 'shrew-tine' includes:
- regular greasing of said shrew (he just loves that grease!)
- cleaning and decorating the 'shrew-box' that is his home
- regurgitating partially digested potato-wedges into his gaping maw (he doesn't need me to do that - he can hunt on his own - i just prefer it this way)
- not accidentally microwaving mr. shrew
i'm very happy with my shrew, i just wish that my neighbour ishmael would stop stabbing him. no matter what that fool says, i KNOW that mr.shrew doesn't 'secretly enjoy it'. I KNOW MY SHREW!!
I have a new pet!
He sure is hard work though, i've decided to take a break from 'the daily grind' of my studies and tend to the every whim of my new pet shrew.
my daily 'shrew-tine' includes:
- regular greasing of said shrew (he just loves that grease!)
- cleaning and decorating the 'shrew-box' that is his home
- regurgitating partially digested potato-wedges into his gaping maw (he doesn't need me to do that - he can hunt on his own - i just prefer it this way)
- not accidentally microwaving mr. shrew
i'm very happy with my shrew, i just wish that my neighbour ishmael would stop stabbing him. no matter what that fool says, i KNOW that mr.shrew doesn't 'secretly enjoy it'. I KNOW MY SHREW!!
i managed to make what is perhaps the nerdiest joke ever at college t'other day. it involves a diad of nerdiness: music nerd AND anatomy nerd.
the question: what is the difference between rhomboid major and rhomboid minor?
my answer: a flattened third
*bows*
note: the actual difference is that rhomboid minor is smaller, and originates from slightly higher in the thoracic spine & C7.
i will try to be more interesting in future, i promise.
the question: what is the difference between rhomboid major and rhomboid minor?
my answer: a flattened third
*bows*
note: the actual difference is that rhomboid minor is smaller, and originates from slightly higher in the thoracic spine & C7.
i will try to be more interesting in future, i promise.
