Women can be so crazy!
I've been so lovelorn of late that I took the drastic step of ordering a DVD to help me hone my courtship techniques.
I was somewhat confused when the DVD arrived: you see, I was fairly sure that I had ordered "Seduction For Beginners #7: The Difference Between 'Sex' and 'Rape'" , and yet the DVD I recieved was emblazened with the title "Mating Rituals of the Northern Savanha".
But then I remembered the words of my late grandfather, Ruddiger Shuttle: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!", so I decided to do the best with what I had, and between you and me, I think that the Savanha Mating DVD gave me some really practical tips on how to get ahead in date-land.

I had just finished practising some of the more intricate manuevres that the DVD had demonstrated when I recieved a phonecall from my mother telling me that she'd "pulled some strings" and thereby managed to get me a date for the evening. The date was to be in a rather posh and fashionable London bar. Overcome with nerves, I endevoured to commit fully to the teachings of my new DVD.

So I turned up to my date smeared with the blood of an antelope I had killed earlier that day. My date was already sat at the bar in a shiny dress. I knew from the baffled, horrified look on her face that I'd have to perform at my very peak in order to impress her.

As I approached my date, I opened my mouth and eyes as far as they would go and got on all-fours, spread my rear plumage and began writhing around in a sweaty frenzy, randomly emitting an alarming high-pitched squeal. I only did this for around seven minutes or so (I didn't want to show off on the first date, plus my eyes were hurting from not blinking during the display. The DVD said that it's important not to blink during the display.)
I could tell that she was really impressed because she began to cry, so I decided to go all-out and really impress her: First, I extended my brightly-coloured neck flaps as far as they would go and regurgitated an oily substance onto her dress. Then for my grand finale, I dislocated my jaw and engulfed an entire live pigeon.
The next thing I remember, I was lying naked in a dumpster outside the bar, with the words 'Do Not Resuscitate' carved into my chest.
I'm sure that the date went really well. I mean, I did everything that the DVD said, and that DVD was compiled by the world's foremost sexologist*.
Strangley, she hasn't called me back though. Some people are just screwy, I swear. Her loss.
*sigh*



*zoologist