I don't know what to write, I'm alive and taking life a day at a time, kinda hard not to be depressed and want to climb into a bottle and drink myself to sleep every night though, I'm definitely rocking turbulent times up here in pdx. I miss everybody I know in LA that wasn't a fake piece of shit.
I feel completely (insert your favorite apathetic, depressed cliche here) All I want to do is sleep, and get drunk, and wake up mid afternoons.
Looking for a job is just about pointless at the moment. I'm on extended vacation..
Maybe someday I won't have to pick myself up off the floor anymore, maybe some day I can be truly satiated with being bored and secure, fat and happy, maybe it's just a mid twenties thing, I already did the train tracks squatter kids city travel bit when I was a kid though, I don't think i'd survive that mess again.
But until that magical day comes where I wake up, and I can be okay with fucking people over to get what I want, I'm going to be right here struggling to stay afloat.
I feel completely (insert your favorite apathetic, depressed cliche here) All I want to do is sleep, and get drunk, and wake up mid afternoons.
Looking for a job is just about pointless at the moment. I'm on extended vacation..
Maybe someday I won't have to pick myself up off the floor anymore, maybe some day I can be truly satiated with being bored and secure, fat and happy, maybe it's just a mid twenties thing, I already did the train tracks squatter kids city travel bit when I was a kid though, I don't think i'd survive that mess again.
But until that magical day comes where I wake up, and I can be okay with fucking people over to get what I want, I'm going to be right here struggling to stay afloat.
Music, my greatest vice.. I may not be able to remember alot of details about years past, but when I listen to Joy Division's "Closer" the very same record that I listened to on my discman riding the #14 bus down Hawthorne towards downtown to meet her at the square over seven years ago.. it all comes flooding back.
Everything, all of it - the way she smelled, what i was wearing, what she was wearing, the gum on the underside of the seat in front of me, the crusty old man trying to sling hash that was quite obviously a piece of soap wrapped in tinfoil, I remember the bus squealing to a stop as I glanced out of my window to see see her standing on the corner, her red aunts shirt soaked completely through, she waited in the rain for me, and I never thanked her because I took her for granted, or maybe I didn't care at the time.
My music catalogue isn't merely a bunch of unrelated songs and albums so much as it is a vault of memories, any time I want to remember what was previously lost to me for what would have been forever, I just insert the corresponding cd into the cd player, and click 'play' or drop the needle on the record and it's all right there again, in vibrant color, right down to the very last detail.. my own personal memory bank.
Without that bank of memories, and without these records as painful as some of them are to listen to because of the memories they conceal inside, I know that I'd be lost, I know that i would spiral out of control, I would simply stop caring instead of gripping the edges of oblivion and holding on for want and of need for something better, of want to truly be happy instead of just the facade of happiness that I convey with such skillful effortless ease, and yet once again desperation.. but this time around it's a different kind...
Being back in pdx can only be good or bad, the problem is I can't tell which it is yet.
How do you begin to apologize and make amends to a girl that you once emotionally destroyed nearly a decade ago, where the fuck do you start?
Or is this emptiness and grief just the price one pays for being a selfish child in the past?
Am I eternally bound to a lifetime of regret and suffering for something that can never be rectified?
Are my intentions even pure? Do I want this to have closure for her sake, or mine?
The things I would sacrifice to not care instead of just pretending not to care to protect myself from devastation.
Everything, all of it - the way she smelled, what i was wearing, what she was wearing, the gum on the underside of the seat in front of me, the crusty old man trying to sling hash that was quite obviously a piece of soap wrapped in tinfoil, I remember the bus squealing to a stop as I glanced out of my window to see see her standing on the corner, her red aunts shirt soaked completely through, she waited in the rain for me, and I never thanked her because I took her for granted, or maybe I didn't care at the time.
My music catalogue isn't merely a bunch of unrelated songs and albums so much as it is a vault of memories, any time I want to remember what was previously lost to me for what would have been forever, I just insert the corresponding cd into the cd player, and click 'play' or drop the needle on the record and it's all right there again, in vibrant color, right down to the very last detail.. my own personal memory bank.
Without that bank of memories, and without these records as painful as some of them are to listen to because of the memories they conceal inside, I know that I'd be lost, I know that i would spiral out of control, I would simply stop caring instead of gripping the edges of oblivion and holding on for want and of need for something better, of want to truly be happy instead of just the facade of happiness that I convey with such skillful effortless ease, and yet once again desperation.. but this time around it's a different kind...
Being back in pdx can only be good or bad, the problem is I can't tell which it is yet.
How do you begin to apologize and make amends to a girl that you once emotionally destroyed nearly a decade ago, where the fuck do you start?
Or is this emptiness and grief just the price one pays for being a selfish child in the past?
Am I eternally bound to a lifetime of regret and suffering for something that can never be rectified?
Are my intentions even pure? Do I want this to have closure for her sake, or mine?
The things I would sacrifice to not care instead of just pretending not to care to protect myself from devastation.
The last two weeks have been pretty much the same routine, i'm going out and drinking almost every single night, mostly to take my mind off of the things it should be on, i'm not ready to press forward yet, i'm comfortable in my momentary stasis from the outside world and from shit i'm eventually going to have to cope with.
I might go back to school to finish my degree, I might start a record label, I might even play music again if I met people I clicked with, and we hit it off.
You never know, but for now my life is one big "?" - and for now all i'm doing is getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, catching up with all of my friends that I missed, being blown away by the fucking Mars Volta record and how amazing it is, and looking forward to seeing all of my friends play at warped in July.
I don't have regular net access, so i'll update this thing when I can..
Now I gotta go post in my friend's journals that i've neglected.
I might go back to school to finish my degree, I might start a record label, I might even play music again if I met people I clicked with, and we hit it off.
You never know, but for now my life is one big "?" - and for now all i'm doing is getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, catching up with all of my friends that I missed, being blown away by the fucking Mars Volta record and how amazing it is, and looking forward to seeing all of my friends play at warped in July.
I don't have regular net access, so i'll update this thing when I can..
Now I gotta go post in my friend's journals that i've neglected.
I made it safely back home, I got in Sunday morning at 6am, slept until 3 and then met up with my roomate (who is in town on vacation) and some friends at billy heartbeats at Lloyd center, it was sort of weird not being able to smoke in there (because when I lived here last you could) but it was great seeing a bunch of my best friends that I haven't seen in years.
After that we went to a barbeque at my friend's place, and basically killed time until Josh was done with the sgpdx lazer tag outing, and then he came over and we drank a bunch of beer, and eventualy made our way downtown to Dante's, but since I don't have an ID I couldn't get in.
Mahdi's friend "Lenore" was hanging out at a near by bar, so we dropped by there, but again I got carded and couldn't get in, so we hit up ash st. saloon and picked up Bigdirtys, and "Ginger" and we're still hanging out at (looks at clock) 5am, it's only my second day back home, but so far i'm definitely glad to be back.
I miss all of my friends that i've made in LA over the past three years though.
And my chest still hurts where "Alice" kicked me at my going away party on friday, but as she would say "you love it"
will update next when I can..
After that we went to a barbeque at my friend's place, and basically killed time until Josh was done with the sgpdx lazer tag outing, and then he came over and we drank a bunch of beer, and eventualy made our way downtown to Dante's, but since I don't have an ID I couldn't get in.
Mahdi's friend "Lenore" was hanging out at a near by bar, so we dropped by there, but again I got carded and couldn't get in, so we hit up ash st. saloon and picked up Bigdirtys, and "Ginger" and we're still hanging out at (looks at clock) 5am, it's only my second day back home, but so far i'm definitely glad to be back.
I miss all of my friends that i've made in LA over the past three years though.
And my chest still hurts where "Alice" kicked me at my going away party on friday, but as she would say "you love it"
will update next when I can..
I'll give you once, once and one time only to biblically know me, in the back of my go-kart
yeah i'll give you once, once to know completely what others sold discreetly, i'll do it in the dark.
because it's so, so easy, yeah it's so easy to end it now before we even start,
i'll give you once, once and one time only and then i'll leave you lonely, and then i'll break your heart.
yeah i'll give you once, once to know completely what others sold discreetly, i'll do it in the dark.
because it's so, so easy, yeah it's so easy to end it now before we even start,
i'll give you once, once and one time only and then i'll leave you lonely, and then i'll break your heart.
Went out to Alice's 21st birthday party, I wish things were different, I had fun I guess, but it was hollow.
Not one to thrust my problems or shadow them on someone's day that is meant to be happy, I played it off like nothing was wrong, and things weren't as bad as they truly are.
I'm completely stressed out, I feel a bit nihilistic, I feel like being selfish, maybe one of these self centered Hollywood pricks can teach me just how to do that.
I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want any human involvement, I want to be left alone, my roomate leaves on vacation for a week tonight, and then it's just me in the apartment..
I still have no money, I suppose I can be thankful to whatever deity I am supposed to pray to at night, that I already paid rent, and my bills and my car payment for this month, and that only expendable 'spending' cash was lost.
I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but tonight, I just want to crawl into a bottle of rum and hide from the world.. and especially my compound multiplying problems that I can't seem to escape, but again, I have no money to even do that, because a coward with a gun would dare to take the things I work hard for.
ironic that it's warm and sunny outside, and I feel cold and grey inside..
Oh and then to ice the proverbial cake, there's the girl trouble, sometimes I question why I'm attracted to the emotional rollercoaster girls, are sane, secure, quiet girls really that dull, bland and boring as I find them?
Countdown to payday, one week exactly.
tik tok, tik tok..
Not one to thrust my problems or shadow them on someone's day that is meant to be happy, I played it off like nothing was wrong, and things weren't as bad as they truly are.
I'm completely stressed out, I feel a bit nihilistic, I feel like being selfish, maybe one of these self centered Hollywood pricks can teach me just how to do that.
I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want any human involvement, I want to be left alone, my roomate leaves on vacation for a week tonight, and then it's just me in the apartment..
I still have no money, I suppose I can be thankful to whatever deity I am supposed to pray to at night, that I already paid rent, and my bills and my car payment for this month, and that only expendable 'spending' cash was lost.
I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but tonight, I just want to crawl into a bottle of rum and hide from the world.. and especially my compound multiplying problems that I can't seem to escape, but again, I have no money to even do that, because a coward with a gun would dare to take the things I work hard for.
ironic that it's warm and sunny outside, and I feel cold and grey inside..
Oh and then to ice the proverbial cake, there's the girl trouble, sometimes I question why I'm attracted to the emotional rollercoaster girls, are sane, secure, quiet girls really that dull, bland and boring as I find them?
Countdown to payday, one week exactly.
tik tok, tik tok..
What a way to kick off the weekend....
Last night I was robbed and the guy stuck a gun to my head, i got to lay down in bushes by the side of a house while he took my wallet, with $600 in it, my car keys, my roomate's cell phone, and $40 in my pocket.
Why was I carrying so much money in my wallet you ask?
I parked two houses down from my friend's house, it's a nice neighborhood, and three friends who were going to go with me backed out at the last second.
I knew I wasn't going to be walking around alone anywhere, except to park and walk the two houses to their door, and when we all gathered to pick a bar to go out to, I would be in the company of no less than 10 people.
My car is parked outside, those were the back up copies (I left the main copies in the bay when I was up there in a friend's car)
I can't just go get another copy made, because they are laser cut keys, so I have to find a ride to the dealership to get a key, prove that I am me with no fucking ID, and then get copies made of all my keys, and change my locks.
The shittiest part of all of this is that he has my license, which has my address, apartment number, and he has the gate key, and my house key, and the fucking keys to my car, (which cannot be changed because it comes with a remote for door locks, alarm, and trunk)
The silver lining thankfully is that they left my cigarettes, so i got to smoke one right after.
I love LA
Last night I was robbed and the guy stuck a gun to my head, i got to lay down in bushes by the side of a house while he took my wallet, with $600 in it, my car keys, my roomate's cell phone, and $40 in my pocket.
Why was I carrying so much money in my wallet you ask?
I parked two houses down from my friend's house, it's a nice neighborhood, and three friends who were going to go with me backed out at the last second.
I knew I wasn't going to be walking around alone anywhere, except to park and walk the two houses to their door, and when we all gathered to pick a bar to go out to, I would be in the company of no less than 10 people.
My car is parked outside, those were the back up copies (I left the main copies in the bay when I was up there in a friend's car)
I can't just go get another copy made, because they are laser cut keys, so I have to find a ride to the dealership to get a key, prove that I am me with no fucking ID, and then get copies made of all my keys, and change my locks.
The shittiest part of all of this is that he has my license, which has my address, apartment number, and he has the gate key, and my house key, and the fucking keys to my car, (which cannot be changed because it comes with a remote for door locks, alarm, and trunk)
The silver lining thankfully is that they left my cigarettes, so i got to smoke one right after.
I love LA
