I lost my temple baby. this is the best picture i ould find on my harddrive of her, but her beautiful face is all blurred. She died, lying on my chest as i whispered to her and cried and stroked her and told her it was ok.
im very sick, and distraught with this holiday full of death and doom and loss and loneliness. My chest is congested and my throat hurts and my body aches and my head swims and swims and swim and my little baby is dead and poor Yuki, everyone's favourite of course, "at least it's not Yuki" but she's all alone now and i have to take extra care of her. And i have to go to work tomorrow morning and i left "christmas eve" day early, stomping out and crying, sicker than a dog and feeling hated and spurned and uncared about and i can't hold up my head anymore i need to go to sleep....
fuck.
so that last entry which i edited, yeah. let's just say i did bad things that i can never do again. ever.
and now i'm sicker than hell, psychotically depressed, alone for the holidays, and one of my babies (my very old rat girls) is probably going to die before the morning. She is so sick and old i don' think anyone can do anything for her and she's moving lethargic now and i'm going to be alone and have to deal with his too, plus another bad work situation and oh god. You don't know what i did. It was bad. I am low. Very low. And everything is getting worse. If you come looking for me, you'll find me in the bathtub with the set of kitchen knives.
and, oh, god, oh...
so that last entry which i edited, yeah. let's just say i did bad things that i can never do again. ever.
and now i'm sicker than hell, psychotically depressed, alone for the holidays, and one of my babies (my very old rat girls) is probably going to die before the morning. She is so sick and old i don' think anyone can do anything for her and she's moving lethargic now and i'm going to be alone and have to deal with his too, plus another bad work situation and oh god. You don't know what i did. It was bad. I am low. Very low. And everything is getting worse. If you come looking for me, you'll find me in the bathtub with the set of kitchen knives.
and, oh, god, oh...
I'm getting too old for this "Destroyer of Worlds" bullshit.
And unlike the others in the past who had it coming, she's too good to deserve it.
And i don't know how to get better, or how to get her safely away.
I've been so bad lately. Nothing but hate and apathy in cycles. My being able to be distracted with fun is in much shorter spans of time. I can't eat without throwing up. It's like all my grief and anger reside in my stomach and when i eat it says "fuck you, i live here now" and kicks it out.
I've always been like this but not this bad but people don't see that. I could blame it all on my father's death... is that what this is? Me feeling lower than i have in at least 2 or 3 years? I didn't really have a relationship with him, truth be known it's easy to be in denial about it because he was absent anyway, but i know it is affecting me deeply. Maybe it just cemented the hopelessness and futility of life. Showed me for certain that life is unfair and hates me more than anyone. I've really had a lot of this bad crap shoveled on me throughout my whole life, but no one sees it. They just think i'm an angst machine and give me their little pat and "cheer up" or yell at me until i cry like i'm a bad rebellious teenager disappointing her parents. (my mom, in reality, is so clueless during all of this as to be completely useless.)
I've missed so much work that i'm surprised i still have a job but i mostly don't care. I broke a lower tooth but i have lost much of my ability to feel pain (except for when it counts to my myalgic diseases), and have long lost any ability to feel pleasure. I have no talents or skills and my mental capacity is dwindling. I forget things, have no concentration, no grasp on reality-vs-dreams, and am becoming delusional.
I spend my whole days feeling drugged (even if i have been off medications for a week) and can not keep myself from sleeping. SLEEP NOT LIFE. That is my motto, is all i have.
And the doctors are of course, useless useless useless. They just combine everything with my pre-existing conditions and grief over death in the family and say things like... "don't nap during the day, trying getting even 9! hours of straight sleep. Walk instead." I swear at them from under the blanket i have pulled over my head.
I'm not just being me. "Oh look, it's S______, she's sad again." "Look, mouse writes another depressing post." Godfuckingdammit. I may have been this way on and off for 7+ years but it's all response to the stimuli life has been giving me since then. I'm not an angsty sadkid. I'm too old for this crap. I'm just too tired to care enough to do anything about now, even if i knew what to do. I am left with nothing but my cycles of hate and apathy. The futility of life.
I live in a dank, grey squalor now and will vomit on anyone who comes too close. Don't touch, i could be contagious.
And unlike the others in the past who had it coming, she's too good to deserve it.
And i don't know how to get better, or how to get her safely away.
I've been so bad lately. Nothing but hate and apathy in cycles. My being able to be distracted with fun is in much shorter spans of time. I can't eat without throwing up. It's like all my grief and anger reside in my stomach and when i eat it says "fuck you, i live here now" and kicks it out.
I've always been like this but not this bad but people don't see that. I could blame it all on my father's death... is that what this is? Me feeling lower than i have in at least 2 or 3 years? I didn't really have a relationship with him, truth be known it's easy to be in denial about it because he was absent anyway, but i know it is affecting me deeply. Maybe it just cemented the hopelessness and futility of life. Showed me for certain that life is unfair and hates me more than anyone. I've really had a lot of this bad crap shoveled on me throughout my whole life, but no one sees it. They just think i'm an angst machine and give me their little pat and "cheer up" or yell at me until i cry like i'm a bad rebellious teenager disappointing her parents. (my mom, in reality, is so clueless during all of this as to be completely useless.)
I've missed so much work that i'm surprised i still have a job but i mostly don't care. I broke a lower tooth but i have lost much of my ability to feel pain (except for when it counts to my myalgic diseases), and have long lost any ability to feel pleasure. I have no talents or skills and my mental capacity is dwindling. I forget things, have no concentration, no grasp on reality-vs-dreams, and am becoming delusional.
I spend my whole days feeling drugged (even if i have been off medications for a week) and can not keep myself from sleeping. SLEEP NOT LIFE. That is my motto, is all i have.
And the doctors are of course, useless useless useless. They just combine everything with my pre-existing conditions and grief over death in the family and say things like... "don't nap during the day, trying getting even 9! hours of straight sleep. Walk instead." I swear at them from under the blanket i have pulled over my head.
I'm not just being me. "Oh look, it's S______, she's sad again." "Look, mouse writes another depressing post." Godfuckingdammit. I may have been this way on and off for 7+ years but it's all response to the stimuli life has been giving me since then. I'm not an angsty sadkid. I'm too old for this crap. I'm just too tired to care enough to do anything about now, even if i knew what to do. I am left with nothing but my cycles of hate and apathy. The futility of life.
I live in a dank, grey squalor now and will vomit on anyone who comes too close. Don't touch, i could be contagious.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I did not finish that rant i was writing but i would very much like to one day and i hope to post it here.
Actually, i have been steadfastedly avoiding dealing with my situation while at the same time wallowing in it and being resentful over my inability to have the opportunity to deal with, and then when i do have time to myself i find myself in such a state of grey emptiness that i can do nothing but sleep (or some similar state - watch television, compulsively b&p, whatever. I'm mostly a sleep addict, though.)
The girl (atticstar) was here for almost a week. I was supposed to go see her for the first time but then things got messed up. As much as she'll present our time (alone, roommate gone to finland on business) as warm and wonderful, i really did ruin it for the both of us. I wasn't "okay" enough for her - to give her a good birthday, to make up for me not finally seeing her like she's always wanted, to not be distant and sleepy and grey - and i wasn't "not okay" enough for me - to get that sleeping moping crying angry angst whatever out of my system. We never talked about what happened, really, but then again it never seemed the right time to.
And then it was time to go back to work where i had to be busy and do projects and work with customers and somehow there it was so much more easy to be reminded of the badness, of what was missing in my life, of what had happened and how can i be here back at work and just going on and how can you people be laughing over there at some joke and not caring about me? I don't mean that in an egotistical way, i mean that in my messed up brain-chemical state my paranoia starts to rise and there seems to be all these little things that just PROVE that my coworkers don't like me, or don't really care or whatever else but i'm sure it's just me but then again...
I think i had something else to write but i'm actually starting to talk and think about feelings and thoughts and i'm not feeling up for that.
I left work early yesterday and did not go in today and the fact that my work is okay with that should prove to me that they are being supportive of me. But i'm not using this time right. I just sleep, or try to distract and get away which is what i've done all my life and it's never really worked.
Anyway. I REALLy don't want to talk about it right now, not about what it is that's tearing my life apart right now. Not THAt whole thing. I just want to talk about the anguish of not wanting to talk about or deal with while at the same time not being able to go on with life normally. Does that make sense? Maybe next time will be for talking about it. Maybe.
Actually, i have been steadfastedly avoiding dealing with my situation while at the same time wallowing in it and being resentful over my inability to have the opportunity to deal with, and then when i do have time to myself i find myself in such a state of grey emptiness that i can do nothing but sleep (or some similar state - watch television, compulsively b&p, whatever. I'm mostly a sleep addict, though.)
The girl (atticstar) was here for almost a week. I was supposed to go see her for the first time but then things got messed up. As much as she'll present our time (alone, roommate gone to finland on business) as warm and wonderful, i really did ruin it for the both of us. I wasn't "okay" enough for her - to give her a good birthday, to make up for me not finally seeing her like she's always wanted, to not be distant and sleepy and grey - and i wasn't "not okay" enough for me - to get that sleeping moping crying angry angst whatever out of my system. We never talked about what happened, really, but then again it never seemed the right time to.
And then it was time to go back to work where i had to be busy and do projects and work with customers and somehow there it was so much more easy to be reminded of the badness, of what was missing in my life, of what had happened and how can i be here back at work and just going on and how can you people be laughing over there at some joke and not caring about me? I don't mean that in an egotistical way, i mean that in my messed up brain-chemical state my paranoia starts to rise and there seems to be all these little things that just PROVE that my coworkers don't like me, or don't really care or whatever else but i'm sure it's just me but then again...
I think i had something else to write but i'm actually starting to talk and think about feelings and thoughts and i'm not feeling up for that.
I left work early yesterday and did not go in today and the fact that my work is okay with that should prove to me that they are being supportive of me. But i'm not using this time right. I just sleep, or try to distract and get away which is what i've done all my life and it's never really worked.
Anyway. I REALLy don't want to talk about it right now, not about what it is that's tearing my life apart right now. Not THAt whole thing. I just want to talk about the anguish of not wanting to talk about or deal with while at the same time not being able to go on with life normally. Does that make sense? Maybe next time will be for talking about it. Maybe.
("but i know dad, the ice is getting thin...")
things went very bad quickly, and from bad to worse, i will have to update you later.
"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.
i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for,
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore. "
(You say 'I wanted you to be PROUD of me'
I always wanted that myself
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Never change
All the white horses...)
"and then we'll understand, we held gold dust in our hands"
things went very bad quickly, and from bad to worse, i will have to update you later.
"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.
i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for,
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore. "
(You say 'I wanted you to be PROUD of me'
I always wanted that myself
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Never change
All the white horses...)
"and then we'll understand, we held gold dust in our hands"
"everything starts and everything ends in october" -my mantra, my curse, my one known truth. Is it failing me this year or is it working in entirely different and beautiful but mysterious ways?
After much pleading and cajoling and threatening and bribing and tricking to get the Significant Other to join this site, i finally gave in and gave her the 'Gift of SG'. I need you guys to make her feel so welcome and needed that after the three months expires she decides that she can not live without this site and renews with her own money. For starters, someone help confirm to the SGCanada moderators that she is a good person so she can accepted into the group.
This isn't going to stop me from flirting with you ducks or running away to marry one or two of you (
to desidia), but it does mean you may have a jealous asian Canadian to contend with afterwards.
There's plenty more things i could write about. Several serious and heavy topics, or at least lightly sober. Perhaps merely deep and introspective? But i'll leave this post at this for the time being. And muse over my horoscope that my SecretAgentLoverMan Rob Breszny left me with this week:
Even if you're in love and happy with your partner, this is a perfect moment to ask for even more from your relationship. And if there is room for improvement in the way your love life is unfolding, it's an even more perfect moment. To launch the intimacy revolution, try this. After taking a bath and while still naked, write down the worst things that have happened to you because of being in love. Burn this document in the flame of a white candle while chanting the words "I am letting go of past disasters." Then dab cinnamon on your forehead, chest, and genitals while murmuring this: "I deserve to be in love with a lover who brings out the best in me -- a lover who inspires me to be in love with everything alive."
i need to try that.
(p.s.: slowly updating picture area)
After much pleading and cajoling and threatening and bribing and tricking to get the Significant Other to join this site, i finally gave in and gave her the 'Gift of SG'. I need you guys to make her feel so welcome and needed that after the three months expires she decides that she can not live without this site and renews with her own money. For starters, someone help confirm to the SGCanada moderators that she is a good person so she can accepted into the group.
This isn't going to stop me from flirting with you ducks or running away to marry one or two of you (
to desidia), but it does mean you may have a jealous asian Canadian to contend with afterwards. There's plenty more things i could write about. Several serious and heavy topics, or at least lightly sober. Perhaps merely deep and introspective? But i'll leave this post at this for the time being. And muse over my horoscope that my SecretAgentLoverMan Rob Breszny left me with this week:
Even if you're in love and happy with your partner, this is a perfect moment to ask for even more from your relationship. And if there is room for improvement in the way your love life is unfolding, it's an even more perfect moment. To launch the intimacy revolution, try this. After taking a bath and while still naked, write down the worst things that have happened to you because of being in love. Burn this document in the flame of a white candle while chanting the words "I am letting go of past disasters." Then dab cinnamon on your forehead, chest, and genitals while murmuring this: "I deserve to be in love with a lover who brings out the best in me -- a lover who inspires me to be in love with everything alive."
i need to try that.
(p.s.: slowly updating picture area)
thoughts right now.
The more expensive lavendar incense that smells more like REAL dried lavendar in the package smells much less like it when burning than the rather less expensive 'french lavendar' incense does. I'm certain deep down somewhere that it surely must be working on a deeper (heightened?) spiritual level but either way i still can not sleep. I sneak-steal a swallow of my roommate's mysterious Italian alcohol he smuggled over and toss turn twitch legkick whimper frown in pain. The new pills work slightly better but i fear i must ration them. Do not use them when you can be sleeping, use them when you must be working. But i can not sleep because i am wracked with tension and pain and frowning-angry pain-induced stress.
I should hobble on over to my blossoming pain group and nurture it and tell them all of my suffering these past two weeks and how and why it has kept me away from here but i really must try and sleep because i work in the morning and all week and never a day off again until the girl arrives, as she is coming for another visit this weekend already and nobody even knows, somehow.
I want my weblog back, only better. At least, once, i had design skills, even if i had no ideas. Now i have neither, and can barely remember rudimentary html codes let alone the building bocks it takes to create a website. I could look them up, and learn again, i suppose, but then i would be back to having no ideas. I was a real web designer once though, i really was... I swear...
Perhaps one more sneak-steal-swallow could numb me into sleepiness but i really don't have the heart and this pain distresses me into depression and the unwillingness to fix it, which i ordinarily would not feel.
return to bed.
The more expensive lavendar incense that smells more like REAL dried lavendar in the package smells much less like it when burning than the rather less expensive 'french lavendar' incense does. I'm certain deep down somewhere that it surely must be working on a deeper (heightened?) spiritual level but either way i still can not sleep. I sneak-steal a swallow of my roommate's mysterious Italian alcohol he smuggled over and toss turn twitch legkick whimper frown in pain. The new pills work slightly better but i fear i must ration them. Do not use them when you can be sleeping, use them when you must be working. But i can not sleep because i am wracked with tension and pain and frowning-angry pain-induced stress.
I should hobble on over to my blossoming pain group and nurture it and tell them all of my suffering these past two weeks and how and why it has kept me away from here but i really must try and sleep because i work in the morning and all week and never a day off again until the girl arrives, as she is coming for another visit this weekend already and nobody even knows, somehow.
I want my weblog back, only better. At least, once, i had design skills, even if i had no ideas. Now i have neither, and can barely remember rudimentary html codes let alone the building bocks it takes to create a website. I could look them up, and learn again, i suppose, but then i would be back to having no ideas. I was a real web designer once though, i really was... I swear...
Perhaps one more sneak-steal-swallow could numb me into sleepiness but i really don't have the heart and this pain distresses me into depression and the unwillingness to fix it, which i ordinarily would not feel.
return to bed.
