Today is just one of those days that I wish it would rain. I love the rain, and it always makes me feel like everything is ok, no matter how shitty they are in reality. It gives me that cozy feeling that I always got as a kid when I'd wake up from a nap and it was raining.
It's one of those days that I just feel like wallowing and crying. I don't get that. When I was a kid, enduring countless acts of abuse and humiliation and bearing the emotional responsibility for my mother's happiness, I always looked forward to that shining, distant "someday" when I was sure that I was going to be something great. Days like today just bring it home that someday doesn't look so promising. I mean, no more abuse, physical or otherwise. Things don't suck, I have a secure life, but I feel now like I should have as a kid. Just Blue. I am very into the theories of Carl Jung, and I've been trying to face my shadow and to incorporate it into my self. I guess that is where this is coming from. As a child, I was defenseless and had no out. As a result, I didn't own the experiences, I just pushed them down. Now that I am safe, I'm owning them, and it hurts. Oh, well, anything in the name of psychological health, right.
I had a dream the other night that I was driving my car, but I was laid across the hood, with my face down by the bumper. I don't know how I was controlling the car, but I was, somehow with my hands. Anyway, someone bumped me from behind and made me swerve into the lane to my left. I was about to collide with two other cars and the curb, and thus die, but I woke up...wonder what Jung would have to say about that.
It's one of those days that I just feel like wallowing and crying. I don't get that. When I was a kid, enduring countless acts of abuse and humiliation and bearing the emotional responsibility for my mother's happiness, I always looked forward to that shining, distant "someday" when I was sure that I was going to be something great. Days like today just bring it home that someday doesn't look so promising. I mean, no more abuse, physical or otherwise. Things don't suck, I have a secure life, but I feel now like I should have as a kid. Just Blue. I am very into the theories of Carl Jung, and I've been trying to face my shadow and to incorporate it into my self. I guess that is where this is coming from. As a child, I was defenseless and had no out. As a result, I didn't own the experiences, I just pushed them down. Now that I am safe, I'm owning them, and it hurts. Oh, well, anything in the name of psychological health, right.
I had a dream the other night that I was driving my car, but I was laid across the hood, with my face down by the bumper. I don't know how I was controlling the car, but I was, somehow with my hands. Anyway, someone bumped me from behind and made me swerve into the lane to my left. I was about to collide with two other cars and the curb, and thus die, but I woke up...wonder what Jung would have to say about that.