Its been almost a year since I blogged so guess its time to do one for this year lol. No romantic interests this year, mostly a fun year. Lots and lots of bicycle riding, some working out. Got a couple of nice bikes this year one used one new. Getting a Synapse next month. Life has been chaotic, boring, fun, relaxing and intense this year so pretty much same old same old. Some one stole my cactuses for some reason unbeknownst to me. I learned how to do a good bit of bicycle work this year. I'm back at the Y doing Yoga again and loving it. Over all life is good and I'm happy and healthy.

You ever experience soooo much pain you can just be happy? Its kinda funny. I had this girlfriend a long long time ago... lol actually pretty much in a far away land. She told me she smiled more the worse it hurt. I do that now. I can't really log this in my normal blog because people actually would care hehe, but I can do it here. The pain has gotten so bad sooo searing I think I might die..... Rofl... I look forward to it but don't really even care at this point. Almost everyone who is as weird as me who really feels, I guess is sensitive goes cold in the end. Only a couple flames still burn. You my know darkest fear, to no longer feel and still live, to be the undead I see everyday on the street. It all really isn't such a big deal anymore. I'm happy to die or struggle to become more attractive, richer, cultured to attract a good woman. At this point I think I should turn a good one down so she can date an asshole not as jaded and tormented by physical and mental ails as I. I mean most of those guys couldn't feel shit to start lol..... and sure enough I have girls cryong on my shoulder to this day about the drunkards who beat them. LOL and I know a girl who uses her guy for his money to buy drugs..... lol its mostly alll so fucked up, granted my own experiences have mostly been beautiful. Practically brilliant and beautiful transcendant. Now I find no love anyway... I guess I see it now and then really, its always on the younger.... still legal... but I long for someone around my age, and those I see are already dead. To die all you have to do is stop changing, stop evolving.... then you are dead.... Thats all it takes. Almost everyone I know over 30 is already dead. I get to see it. It hurts me so. I know I can't do anything., Its almost like a zombie movie. It reminds me of a line from "the Breakfast Club" "When you grow old, your heart just dies". It just seems soooo sad to me. Most older people I know just accept that. Not really my family. I guess we are just crazy romantics as long as we live. I think I might get myelf up to like super beautiful standards then just do some opiate powerful enought to kill myself... lol as they say live fast and leave a beautiful corpse. You know really I don't care so much. I hope to die, but eh if it does or doesn't happen atleast I lived, atleast I felt. Well this is probably tireless drivel to those enlightnened souls who read it. It is just my rant, my throwing fire at the sun where none I know can see it.... thank you for listening.

Lostboy

I've looked at some posts and all. You know, well you don't. Really I am just that crazy. I thought I would look for a place to post my innnermost feelings. Yeah... well if you spend time reading this mayhaps you are more mentally deranged than I :-). I reallly messed something in my neck, or in the parlance of our times fucked it really hard. Anyway I was sooo happy today when my boss asked me what was wrong and I esplained that I hurt so bad I was focusing on my breathing so I wouldn't passout. No I'm not faking or bsing. I really hurt so bad I couldn't focus my eyesight and began to worry about whether or not I would pass out. LOL I'm posting this here because onlly one person knows me here irl. So reallly if you read this other than that one person it doesn't really matter. You might be happy its not you or really just not care. Anyway I got to say I almost passed out at work from pain today! I can't say that to my family or friends or I might get hospitalized. Lol its funny the people I love can never know how I hurt. I know a few people who might actually cry over it... I couldn't hurt someone like that so I post here. Its my one small way of expressing myself without hurting anyone. btw... prollly more pain and tales emotional and physicial to come.. .... If you care about people and are a masocist bookmark this or otherwise you might want to forget it.

Paradox Change and Humor,

Eh life gets weirder and weirder the more I pay attention it seems. Guess it follows the old theory that as soon as one knows the ultimate question of life the universe and everything and the answer the universe immediatelly changes into something far more bizarre than before.

I'm managing to maintain a fairly ecologically correct lifestyle. I eat Vegetarian, (nolonger buy CDS, use MP3 player), I don't own or drive a car(Bicycles rock!), I've been taking weight gainer so I don't do the slow whither thing I've seen many other vegetarians do. I can't wait till I get my new apartment I want to see if I can actually use solar cells to handle most of my electrical. I still think I should do more. I need to get a new job, working in a place that serves meat is kinda blech, plus it doesn't pay that well and organic food is expensive.

A little Vegetarian recipe if anyones interested easily obtained at a common grocery store.
1 Bear Naked High Protien Granola on the bottom of a small bowl.
2. Stoneyfield Farms Banilla lowfat yogurt on top of that in a fairly decent layer
3. One organic strawberry cut into 6 slivers and placed with the small points pointing to the center( presentation is important)

Thats all organic all Vegetarian, not Vegan though because of the yogurt. I don't think I will be able to ever be fully Vegan, must have milk based products for protein I just can't bring myself to eat all the vegan forms of protein I would need (alot of it makes me physically ill) Fortunately being Vegetarian is very easy since meat products make me very very ill. Never new it was a biological problem till about 5 years ago, but I can't properly digest meat its some kind of genetic anomally. Which is nice to know now, Thought the first 25 years of my life I was going to die of some strainge digestive illness.

Well onto happier thoughts. A friends letting me comeover and do some computer work. Not only do I get to do something nice but I get to play with her Daschounds. Hehe such cute friendly dogs. Maybe I'll even take the little wiener hounds out for a walk. Its pretty nice out today.

Make a happy day off all, hope its as pretty out where you are as it is here.

Off stalking my fridge for something to eat.

Think I'm getting sick the old Italian women at work shoved 4 huge olive leaf pills down my throat along with some time released multivitamin the size of my pinky. I just know reactivating my account is going to make me late for work commenting on boards and reading posts. Not to mention my EQ live /sigh

Bad memories today, guess I'll try to meditate. Maybe get some focus. Clean the house a bit. Maybe put on some Jane Siberry, that might help.

Today Kinda sucked but I really feel like I'm about to hit a rather severe upswing in my manic depressive or bipolar or whatever they call it now...behavior pattern.

Stained with tears,
My heart with woe,
For one jubilant life,
It could not know

Wow this morning my regular radio station wouldn't tune in so I just turned it to the next that did and John Lennons Imagine was on.

Just spent 80 Dollars on a painting, 404 dollars getting it framed. Does that seem odd to anyone else? Its quite beautiful and entrancing but damn thats nearly 500 bucks. I was tempted to ask if the fraim was sterling silver underneath but it was a nice old guy who also had a ponytail, and the onlly other place I knew to do it wouldn't even touch it if it wasn't on a standard canvas(I don't think they really frame original art at all).