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I wrote this the other day and it felt very good...
July 4, 2006
Tough times & the bigger picture
Because of the nature of my book and my past, ever since Ive been blogging Ive tried hard, perhaps, too hard to show my healthiest sidefor the most part. I try not to project negative energy and to keep my whining to myself. I think its safe to say that what Im going through because of my move to NYC was self-imposedbut what Id like to share is how Im dealing with itbecause since my book came out last year and since Ive been speaking at high schools and talking to a lot of people who ask for advice in regards to making things better. WellI can tell you what Im doing now and it may or may not be helpful advice.
I basically moved to NYC on a whim. It was the combination of a little bit of romance & intimate human contact and the desire to move to NYC.
So theres this guythis guy who charmed me with wordsthis charming man who seemed like he might very well live up to my high expectations. And in many wayshe did. However, I got caught up in something and became well, tangled. I overlooked some red flags because he was so sweet to me. I overlooked huge deal breakers because he was so very kindOhI forgot to mention that we met online and that he lived in NYC. After the last one, the last one, meaning another long distance man whom I met online, I promised myself that I would not do that again. The build up is too much and the pressure is too great and come on, can you tell me how many things are more awkward than waiting at the Austin airport for the guy who has been virtually courting you for 4 months to pick you up from the airport for your 96 hour date? I digress
So yeah, the plan to move to NYC was a long-term plan. Meaning, Id like to consider it. Id like to save my money for it and move in a year or so. But what happened was that this guy who held my interest, well, he lost his job and he said, Hey, wanna stay with me? and I panicked because I knew that we werent compatible as a couple but I thought that it could work because I wouldnt have to worry about getting my own place immediately and well, hes really kind to me and appeared to be crazy about me and so, I asked Bob and Bob said, Yes, go to NYC. Run.
And I began planning. I put in my notice at work and I cancelled my gym membership and I told my landlord, put my car up for sale and I made it official. AndI panicked because I had this feeling that the romance wouldnt really work out and he, the guy, was being kind of needy and that frightened me.
I enjoyed the fact that we were so communicative. It was refreshing to me and I felt that I knew where I stood but I was freaking out because I thought that Id like to go to New York and live independently and date New York guysThe funny thing is that I also sensed his panic.
So one day he phoned & said, I have to talk to you about something and the last time I heard that was when Whooli left me for his ex-girlfriend and well, that fucking hurt...bad, so I braced myself and he said, when you move here, I think we should be platonic and I was pissed off, not because I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted but because I was really fucking confused. I felt out of control and mislead by my own judgment. I mean, you know that book, Hes just not that into you? well...this scenario would not be in that book. He phoned all the time. He spoke sweetly. Called me sweetie & cutiesaid, I wish you were here. Dont you wish you were here, lying next to me?... I was pissed off because I felt thrown off by the signals. I told him I needed some time to mourn that. I mourn things. I listen to sad music and cry and paint and accept. Its necessary for me. I like it. I need it.
The plan was still in effect. I would move to NYC and live with him, platonically, until I could get my own place
And everyone said, What happens when one of you stays out all night or starts dating someone? well, yeah, I guess thats inevitable Thats where the ego steps in. The freakin ego. You know ego right? The ego that doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you. The ego that doesnt want to be with you but desires your attention. Its a silly, silly thing. Truly.
And it happened too. I dont even want to be with this guy romantically and he doesnt even want to be with me but we did this little dance. The little ego dance and it was strange and painful and unnecessary and completely avoidable.
I was feeling extremely emotional and displaced and out of sorts and I was homesick and lonely and I missed my bed and all of my ex-boyfriends and security seemed so far away and for a few days I was a wreck. I cried over the simplest things. I knew how stupid it was. He would get pissed off and tell me that he couldnt take it. Told me to stop crying over stupid shit like the idiot woman who burned me while waxing my eyebrows the day that I was going to meet with a prospective literary agent and to not cry when I burnt my fingers on his percolator coffee pot. I wasnt really crying about burning my fingers. I just missed my coffee maker in my sweet little kitchen that is 3000 miles away. I was breaking down and he was getting angry. He said, I cant take that anymore and he yelled and I cried harder and that reminded me of my mother when she would say horrible things to me followed by, Im sorry, I didnt mean it and that showed me that I still have A LOT to fucking work on. Im aware but not completely cured. Perhaps, being cured is not the word Im looking for. Its my brain chemistry. Im responsible for these choices and I know why I do the things I do and why I behave the way in which I behave and well
Basically what Im saying is that psychologically speaking, the outcome for certain situations can be predicted.
I dont know what Im attempting to say here. Im just sitting in a caf with a caffeine buzz. Disecting my psychology, attemptintg to make sense of things. Im like my own little psychological detective.
This blog entry is rough and messy and formless and because my next book is about relationships I thought Id attempt getting used to exposing this part of myself because even though Go Ask Ogre is extremely revealing, the material is from years ago and therefore easier for me to deal with
I wrote this the other day and it felt very good...
July 4, 2006
Tough times & the bigger picture
Because of the nature of my book and my past, ever since Ive been blogging Ive tried hard, perhaps, too hard to show my healthiest sidefor the most part. I try not to project negative energy and to keep my whining to myself. I think its safe to say that what Im going through because of my move to NYC was self-imposedbut what Id like to share is how Im dealing with itbecause since my book came out last year and since Ive been speaking at high schools and talking to a lot of people who ask for advice in regards to making things better. WellI can tell you what Im doing now and it may or may not be helpful advice.
I basically moved to NYC on a whim. It was the combination of a little bit of romance & intimate human contact and the desire to move to NYC.
So theres this guythis guy who charmed me with wordsthis charming man who seemed like he might very well live up to my high expectations. And in many wayshe did. However, I got caught up in something and became well, tangled. I overlooked some red flags because he was so sweet to me. I overlooked huge deal breakers because he was so very kindOhI forgot to mention that we met online and that he lived in NYC. After the last one, the last one, meaning another long distance man whom I met online, I promised myself that I would not do that again. The build up is too much and the pressure is too great and come on, can you tell me how many things are more awkward than waiting at the Austin airport for the guy who has been virtually courting you for 4 months to pick you up from the airport for your 96 hour date? I digress
So yeah, the plan to move to NYC was a long-term plan. Meaning, Id like to consider it. Id like to save my money for it and move in a year or so. But what happened was that this guy who held my interest, well, he lost his job and he said, Hey, wanna stay with me? and I panicked because I knew that we werent compatible as a couple but I thought that it could work because I wouldnt have to worry about getting my own place immediately and well, hes really kind to me and appeared to be crazy about me and so, I asked Bob and Bob said, Yes, go to NYC. Run.
And I began planning. I put in my notice at work and I cancelled my gym membership and I told my landlord, put my car up for sale and I made it official. AndI panicked because I had this feeling that the romance wouldnt really work out and he, the guy, was being kind of needy and that frightened me.
I enjoyed the fact that we were so communicative. It was refreshing to me and I felt that I knew where I stood but I was freaking out because I thought that Id like to go to New York and live independently and date New York guysThe funny thing is that I also sensed his panic.
So one day he phoned & said, I have to talk to you about something and the last time I heard that was when Whooli left me for his ex-girlfriend and well, that fucking hurt...bad, so I braced myself and he said, when you move here, I think we should be platonic and I was pissed off, not because I was 100% sure that this was what I wanted but because I was really fucking confused. I felt out of control and mislead by my own judgment. I mean, you know that book, Hes just not that into you? well...this scenario would not be in that book. He phoned all the time. He spoke sweetly. Called me sweetie & cutiesaid, I wish you were here. Dont you wish you were here, lying next to me?... I was pissed off because I felt thrown off by the signals. I told him I needed some time to mourn that. I mourn things. I listen to sad music and cry and paint and accept. Its necessary for me. I like it. I need it.
The plan was still in effect. I would move to NYC and live with him, platonically, until I could get my own place
And everyone said, What happens when one of you stays out all night or starts dating someone? well, yeah, I guess thats inevitable Thats where the ego steps in. The freakin ego. You know ego right? The ego that doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you. The ego that doesnt want to be with you but desires your attention. Its a silly, silly thing. Truly.
And it happened too. I dont even want to be with this guy romantically and he doesnt even want to be with me but we did this little dance. The little ego dance and it was strange and painful and unnecessary and completely avoidable.
I was feeling extremely emotional and displaced and out of sorts and I was homesick and lonely and I missed my bed and all of my ex-boyfriends and security seemed so far away and for a few days I was a wreck. I cried over the simplest things. I knew how stupid it was. He would get pissed off and tell me that he couldnt take it. Told me to stop crying over stupid shit like the idiot woman who burned me while waxing my eyebrows the day that I was going to meet with a prospective literary agent and to not cry when I burnt my fingers on his percolator coffee pot. I wasnt really crying about burning my fingers. I just missed my coffee maker in my sweet little kitchen that is 3000 miles away. I was breaking down and he was getting angry. He said, I cant take that anymore and he yelled and I cried harder and that reminded me of my mother when she would say horrible things to me followed by, Im sorry, I didnt mean it and that showed me that I still have A LOT to fucking work on. Im aware but not completely cured. Perhaps, being cured is not the word Im looking for. Its my brain chemistry. Im responsible for these choices and I know why I do the things I do and why I behave the way in which I behave and well
Basically what Im saying is that psychologically speaking, the outcome for certain situations can be predicted.
I dont know what Im attempting to say here. Im just sitting in a caf with a caffeine buzz. Disecting my psychology, attemptintg to make sense of things. Im like my own little psychological detective.
This blog entry is rough and messy and formless and because my next book is about relationships I thought Id attempt getting used to exposing this part of myself because even though Go Ask Ogre is extremely revealing, the material is from years ago and therefore easier for me to deal with
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And if you have a local friend, going to the bars here can be real fun. otherwise.....
But NYC is just too vertical for me. My midwest, Great Plains blood recoils at the very thought. I hope it's working out, but I love my little suburban, armo haven I've built for myself here.