"Change"

If I could hold you close
Like you were never gone
If I could hear your voice
You'd tell me to be strong

But sometimes
I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Til you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change

If I could get to you
I'd be there in a minute
My world don't make no sense
Not without you in it

And sometimes
I just find
Can't say I
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone

And leave me here alone

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Til you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change

You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you or break you too
You'd just have to make it through
(You'd just have to make it through)

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Til you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change

Change, change
Change, change

So, I've had a fair bit of contact with Stinky since last Thursday - it all started out because the garage next to his office at work found a baby collared dove on the ground which had fallen out of its nest so I needed to go and grab it and take it to a lady I know in Portsmouth for hand-rearing, which I did. Of course this gave him an excuse then to start texting me to find out how I was and if I enjoyed the Foo's etc. and so it went on.

Now, I don't know what it is about this boy but since we met in August 2006 he's been like my drug, my addiction and for some unknown reason I've let him (almost) get away with cheating on me, lying to me, convincing me to get pregnant then telling me he doesn't want me or the baby once I've got pregnant, oh my god the list goes on and on and it doesn't stop there. Every time we've gotten back into any type of contact, he's tried to twist everything round to be my fault i.e. why didn't I let him come to the docs appt when I was pregnant, when he'd just told me he wanted me to have a termination, why should I? His reply was that I knew he was just freaking out and that I knew he would come round eventually. He's asked why I have walked away from him and not fought for him? Because he's a lying, cheating piece of fucking shit? Honestly, he's fucking deluded.

But then I get the messages where he loves me, misses me, thinks about me all the time. He even had the fucking gall this week to say something about him thinking about how it should be me, him, Tessie and Pip living all together at his house next month - our baby wasn't due til the 12th August - shows how much notice he really took doesn't it.

Anyway, this isn't a rant about what a cunt he is so I will move onto my point.

Yesterday someone asked me the following:

Why do you love him?
What is it about him that you love so much?
Is he fun to be with?
Did you have a laugh when you were together?
What did you used to do together that was so special?
What is it that you miss?

I thought about all of these things and:

I don't know why I love him, I just do. Maybe it's because he is Pip's daddy, I don't really know.
I don't think there is much about him that I love so much that I can't live without! He's vain, selfish, tight with money, non-communicative about anything, extremely dependent to the point where he can't even order food, he used to get me to do it for us both!
No, he wasn't particularly fun to be with - I was paranoid all the time about my weight, how I looked, I'd be embarrassed when we were out because I'd feel hideous and he never did anything to reassure me.
No, we didn't really have a laugh together, he is so painfully shy at times it was really difficult.
The only things we used to do together were have sex (a lot! I didn't complain, although he did on the very odd occasion), we went to a few gigs together but convincing him to come with me was like going through the pain barrier, AND I'd have to pay for both tickets in order to get him to come with me Apart from that, we'd go for a fry-up most weekends and oh, I helped him decorate his house, while he did fuck all for me when I wanted to do mine.
What do I miss? The security his family offered - that's the main thing I think. I've never had a stable family life and I now realise (particularly after losing my baby) that that's exactly what I've been craving my entire life. His Mum, Stepdad, Dad and Sister all made me feel very welcome in the family unit and last summer we had loads of barbeques etc. and his Mum and Stepdad even looked after Tessie one evening while I took him to London to see the Chemical Brothers. I felt part of something that was loved and now that is gone. We used to snuggle on the sofa in the evenings and I miss that but it's the snuggling I miss, not him.

However the good thing is that almost like a lightswitch being turned on last night, something has changed within me. It was an immediate thing and I now know that I don't actually want him anymore. What is there to want? The constant paranoia, the starving myself to the point where I want to pass out, just in the hope that he likes my body and doesn't think I'm hideous anymore? The constantly paying out for us to go places because it's the only way I can convince him to do anything? The constantly having to justify where I am, who I'm with and exactly what I'm doing, yet he's out every single Friday and Saturday without fail on the pull (obviously he denied he was pulling when we were together but then he cheated on me so I now know the truth about that). He treated me like I was the one doing the cheating, I was the slut. The reality was completely the opposite; I became the total down-trodden housewife while he could do whatever/whoever he wanted!

I even bought and cooked meat for him which I swore I'd never do for anyone ever again!

This was totally an abusive relationship, without the fisticuffs, but man I never thought I'd get sucked in like I did! I thought the women that stayed in abusive relationships were weak and didn't know any better. Now I know different. I am a 34 year old independent woman, with her own house, business, car, dog and everthing else. Up until I met him my life was completely sorted! It really can happen to anyone; anyone at all.