Dapper Day at Disneyland. Look at what a big fat bastard I've become. No wonder my girlfriend hates me.
Fuck my life. So over the last few weeks she's been getting randon text messages at random times. She's always saying "I hate other girls, I don't have any friends because girls are bitches, blah blah blah". So I've been wondering who the hell is texting her at 10 at night?
She was texting last night while we were in bed. She was giggling and laughing while I laid next to her. I was sort of thinking who is she texting with at this time of night and why does she seem to be so happy to be texting with them. I wanted to ask to see what she would say.
This morning she took a shower when she woke up. I know it's an invasion of privacy, a stalker type thing to do etc etc so spare me the lectures but I read her texts. She's been texting some guy in Orange named Ken about wanting to get naked with him and shower with him, all sorts of things a girl in a committed relationship should not be talking about with another guy. And there were more messages from some guy named TJ asking her if she was going to get on Skype so he could see her bits, etc. and sending her emoticons of hearts.
It broke my heart and I just sat there and sobbed. When she got out of the shower, she looked at me, went over and picked up her phone. She said "well now you know". I asked her how long it's been going on for and she said a couple of weeks, but I don't believe her. She asked me if I want her out of the house, but I told her I want to fix our relationship but I don't know how. I asked her if we can work on it, she agreed we can try.
I don't want to lose her, she's been with me for the worst times in my life. My parents died and she was there for me. My dog I had for 10 years died and she was there for me. Those things mean so much to me. I hope we can fix this. She is the only decent thing in my life at this point.
Fuck my life.
She was texting last night while we were in bed. She was giggling and laughing while I laid next to her. I was sort of thinking who is she texting with at this time of night and why does she seem to be so happy to be texting with them. I wanted to ask to see what she would say.
This morning she took a shower when she woke up. I know it's an invasion of privacy, a stalker type thing to do etc etc so spare me the lectures but I read her texts. She's been texting some guy in Orange named Ken about wanting to get naked with him and shower with him, all sorts of things a girl in a committed relationship should not be talking about with another guy. And there were more messages from some guy named TJ asking her if she was going to get on Skype so he could see her bits, etc. and sending her emoticons of hearts.
It broke my heart and I just sat there and sobbed. When she got out of the shower, she looked at me, went over and picked up her phone. She said "well now you know". I asked her how long it's been going on for and she said a couple of weeks, but I don't believe her. She asked me if I want her out of the house, but I told her I want to fix our relationship but I don't know how. I asked her if we can work on it, she agreed we can try.
I don't want to lose her, she's been with me for the worst times in my life. My parents died and she was there for me. My dog I had for 10 years died and she was there for me. Those things mean so much to me. I hope we can fix this. She is the only decent thing in my life at this point.
Fuck my life.
Why do girls do the shit they do to me? Its been over three years since she has actually initiated any kind of intimacy with me . Its like she cant stand for me to touch her. There is the sighing and then the disinterested expressions and then she just lays there. When i try to ask her about it she goes into the whole its me not you thing and the im trying to work on myself and get better. Well its been three fucking years and i have given up on trying.
I stopped trying to initiate any kind of intimate contact with her as a test, and big surprise she hasnt made one attempt to touch me like im some kind of fucking leper or something. I give her everything, i buy all the food, pay ALL the bills and try so fucking hard to make her life good. She says she loves me but i think im just a meal ticket to her. She sits on Tumblr all day and night and i would not be surprised if she is cheating on me due to past behavior. She took two weeks off work a few years back to meet some myspace guy from jersey that she had been iming. I only found out when she left the message box open and the guy started texting about how great it was going to be to finnally be able to kiss and hold her blah blah. She flipped out when i confronted her and blamed her best friend for telling me( she didnt) and they no longer speak to each other. Every other girl ive been with wanted sex whenever we were alone.
She must still enjoy sex as she takes baths and i can hear her using a vibrator when she does, she probably doesnt know how loud it is or just does not give a shit. Rant over i guess, i feel like grabbing a gun and putting it to my forehead fuck its frustrating.
I stopped trying to initiate any kind of intimate contact with her as a test, and big surprise she hasnt made one attempt to touch me like im some kind of fucking leper or something. I give her everything, i buy all the food, pay ALL the bills and try so fucking hard to make her life good. She says she loves me but i think im just a meal ticket to her. She sits on Tumblr all day and night and i would not be surprised if she is cheating on me due to past behavior. She took two weeks off work a few years back to meet some myspace guy from jersey that she had been iming. I only found out when she left the message box open and the guy started texting about how great it was going to be to finnally be able to kiss and hold her blah blah. She flipped out when i confronted her and blamed her best friend for telling me( she didnt) and they no longer speak to each other. Every other girl ive been with wanted sex whenever we were alone.
She must still enjoy sex as she takes baths and i can hear her using a vibrator when she does, she probably doesnt know how loud it is or just does not give a shit. Rant over i guess, i feel like grabbing a gun and putting it to my forehead fuck its frustrating.
Mickey's trick or treat party was pretty fucking awesome. They kicked everyone out of Disneyland at 6 PM and just let ticketholders stay. No lines for the rides. We got a fuckload of candy, Kat got 99 pieces!!!!! Our costumes were awesome. Many compliments and people taking our photos. Lots of crazy costumes, some faves were the three "Hokus Pokeus" girls, they were sexy and the costumes were amazing homemade dresses, too cool. They took pics of me as well and were just cool people. Picutures to follow as soon as Kat gets them off her memory card.
Halloween! Yay Kat and I got tickets to the Disneyland Mickey's trick or treat party. It's the only time they let the big kids wear costumes. We are going as Alice and the Hatter. The old school variety. I know it's a trendy cheesy costume but it's going to rule all balls. YAY! Maybe I'll get some pics up of us there.
I sat and watched you sleeping
Listened to you breathing
Wondered if you were dreaming, andf if you were
What were you dreaming?
And I fell under your spell
And I lay where I fell
So wind down your window
I think I'm gonna kiss you
I dont know what else to do
Listened to you breathing
Wondered if you were dreaming, andf if you were
What were you dreaming?
And I fell under your spell
And I lay where I fell
So wind down your window
I think I'm gonna kiss you
I dont know what else to do
R.I.P. Darby Crash.
We visited the grave of Darby Crash today at Holy Cross Cemetary in Culver City. It was an overcast and meloncholy day. The grave is a lonley place amongst flat granite markers layed out like so many dots on a road to nowhere. The rain was just starting to fall and a mist was rolling in. I felt imense sadness and overwhelming lonlieness there. I will never forget that morning.
We visited the grave of Darby Crash today at Holy Cross Cemetary in Culver City. It was an overcast and meloncholy day. The grave is a lonley place amongst flat granite markers layed out like so many dots on a road to nowhere. The rain was just starting to fall and a mist was rolling in. I felt imense sadness and overwhelming lonlieness there. I will never forget that morning.
All the time, awake
You're still on my mind
But we were on our own
Almost all the time
And she'll step away
For a second or two
And I close my eyes
And I think of you
We were only seventeen
We were holding in our screams
Like we'd torn it from the pages
Of some lipstick magazine
And you scratch and turn
And say, "let's burn ourselves up 'til we scream"
Like gasoline
Those tender days
At your mother's house
And your father would find
My hand inside your blouse
But they tell me that
You're married now
Oh my dear, I fear
I can't understand how
We were only seventeen
We were holding back our screams
Like we'd torn our lives from the pages
Of some girly magazines
And you scratch and turn
And say, "let's burn these sheets down to the seams"
Like gasoline
I was only twenty one
I wasn't having any fun
And the words you said
Tore through my head
Like bullets from a gun
And I shoulda just shown up and said,
"Get in this car, let's run"
And these years have seen
So many imitations turning green
Each like the last, they go right past,
Like credits on a screen
But your memory blazes through me
Burning everything
Like gasoline
Like gasoline
Like gasoline
You're still on my mind
But we were on our own
Almost all the time
And she'll step away
For a second or two
And I close my eyes
And I think of you
We were only seventeen
We were holding in our screams
Like we'd torn it from the pages
Of some lipstick magazine
And you scratch and turn
And say, "let's burn ourselves up 'til we scream"
Like gasoline
Those tender days
At your mother's house
And your father would find
My hand inside your blouse
But they tell me that
You're married now
Oh my dear, I fear
I can't understand how
We were only seventeen
We were holding back our screams
Like we'd torn our lives from the pages
Of some girly magazines
And you scratch and turn
And say, "let's burn these sheets down to the seams"
Like gasoline
I was only twenty one
I wasn't having any fun
And the words you said
Tore through my head
Like bullets from a gun
And I shoulda just shown up and said,
"Get in this car, let's run"
And these years have seen
So many imitations turning green
Each like the last, they go right past,
Like credits on a screen
But your memory blazes through me
Burning everything
Like gasoline
Like gasoline
Like gasoline
I found a copy of "Mother Night" in the $2 bin at Walgreens. We watched it last night. Nick Nolte's portrayal of Howard Campbell was outstanding and the cameo by Vonagutt was an unexpected surprise.
MAY 2012
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APRIL 2012
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MARCH 2012
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FEBRUARY 2012