Well fuck.
She ses she loves me, but i just cant believe that.
How could you love someone who just continues to fuck you round...changes their mind CONSTANTLY...and is utterly devoid of a heart?
I actually think i am broken?
No. I know i am broken.
When she agrees, and takes those steps back....its then i feel for her....i want to bite her when she is all in my face, and Demanding.
She knows as well as i the situation.
She was there when i told it how it was.
I said it was a different thing for me to get into a 'relationship' with her. I can fuck. Its always been something i am quite good at, but add the emotions and things go wrong.I dont like it.
I mean...I like to feel liked....and be nice to someone, and have them be nice back....but i have that with all my close friends. 'LOVE' and stuff....i love my friends....like family....but i am uncomfortable to bring it into a relationship.....which is why i have endured THREE LONG YEARS with HIM. Those words have never been uttered. We are best friends.
My heart got broken, but not by a lover...well....by the death of someone most loved.
And now i am broken, and cant make SIMPLE descisions...let alone big ones.
Meh.
No interweb at home anymore.
Takes longer to reply to my fuckin fantastic friends.
But much love to youse fullas...and please take care.
Morgannahh is an angel.....and angel with shimmery tears, but even angels have trauma, right? You are my fave....and it DOES get easier....just not...like....months.....more like YEARS. But one day breath feels less painful...less gasped at....erm....blergh.
Life is mellow.....waiting for the sun to come out all proper like.
Its been raining for days.... but i have found things to keep myself occupied....
...heh...There is this super hot 18 year old bartender working at my old place of employment....mmmmm.....SUPER SPUNKISH....I have gone through a slight...erm...drought? Its not that i CANT...erm....get naughty with someone....its that i havent been interested in a while.
BUT NOW?????
I am noticing ALL!!!
18? sigh. I would ruin him...break him....i would....i am awful!!! A princess!
Well....not really, but i do expect things to go my way, but im not like....mean.....I am considerate of other peoples feelings, but still....i always know my way is better.
heh...heh....i snorted....i laugh at myself so hard...
Also....I wanted to show y'all where i live.....
Thats it from me for now.
Again tho....thanks Morgannahh....you rule.
PS omigod....I normally am not one to feel any strong feelings.
Especially about people I dont know....but....
A day after Britney Spears filed divorce papers...
Kevin Federline counter-filed court papers Wednesday seeking sole custody of the couple's two children.
The former backup dancer and aspiring rapper is also seeking spousal support. He says the couple's community assets are "uncertain," though Spears said in her divorce papers there were none to speak of, suggesting the two had a prenuptial agreement in place.
"Kevin is prepared to go the distance in order to do what he feels is necessary to protect and safeguard the children and will not be intimidated or dissuaded from pursuit of those goals," said Michael Sands, spokesman for Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan.
GOD I HATE THAT GUY!!!
He reminds me of every parasitic waste of my time loser boy/girl friend i ever had.
You know....the one who has to borrow 50 bux to take you on a date....heh....or the one who stays in with the curtains shut smokin ciggs all day....or the one who always secretly taxes your drugs....
BLECH. He even looks a little bit like an ex of mine....
These are photo's from the BoganBall we had on the weekend. We have Axl...and Danzig....a Badass Naughty Fairy....A Total Bogan (complete with a Mullet, Bad Tatts and the Chopper Mo!!)...some Brain Eating Zombies...a regular everyday Bogan(heh)....and myself....erm...who was a Shazza.
WHOOOOOO!!!
Here are some good Bogan Resources .....bogan.com
.....NZ Site....not finished....
.....What Is A Shazza?
.....AC/DC BEEEAAAARRRRRTCH
....and that'll do for now....
HAVE A GREAT HALLOWEEN!!!! DONT FORGET TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!!!!
Rock On.
Somehow....I AM STILL HERE!!!
yay for me...
I keep checking if im still here...and then i am....and then i think i wanna update me journal....and then i dont....just in case....but...sheesh....the SG membership fairy is smiling upon me still.....(and now that i have updated and all,i will be cut off NOW....no....NOW....erm....)
ANYHO: This has been a great week.
Last thursday we had Anika Moa play at work....and she was beautiful + amazing, and her songs make me tear up a little....and i wanna kiss her face a little...heh...
Then on Friday we had Wicked Draw Play-who are tha raddest Nelson Roots/dub/reggae band...they are truley cool to see.....
AAAAAANNNNND THEN...On Satdee we had Stae Of Mind and Concord Dawn play....and that was super grand. Afterwards I got conned into going to a "Party" (you know....one that starts at 3.30 AM where everyone else is tripping off their faces....and you have only just finished working for a million hours so you are absolutley shattered/exhausted and stone cold sober...) but i only stayed for like...an hour then went home to sleep to the annoying chorus of happy tweety birds, who you just wanna shoot with your bb gun...!
AND THEN....Yesterday a friend who i have not seen for aboot 6 years came to visit me before going back to England!!!Was great. With super good friends it doesnt matter how long you dont see each other for....it still feels normal.
This weekend on Saterdee we have THE BOGAN BALL!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!!!
ooooooh yeah....I shall put some photo's up when i have some....but now i gotta go find me a frock!!!!!!
Hows alla your weeks been???
Happy and joyous?
Ciao
My friend with the credit card can no longer put my acct on her card.
If any of my friends out there are nice and wealthy....you can buy me a new subscription...??!!!Even just a month will do...
Cheeky...
I have made some actual friends....and seen some beautiful pictures....changed my previous thoughts on the whole art vs. porn brouhaha....been challenged in general....seen that even tho I feel like I am so far away and so out of touch there are people out there like me, who think like me, and appreciate the world in the same way i myself do. Its grand.
I entered SG after having read alot of both negative and positive press. I was unsure what i would find.Thank god I got on even for a minute!
Hey....even if i dont get back on right now....you may see me soon anyway....
Take Care beautiful people.
MMWAH.
Busy weekend.....work was great....we had the roast crew playing on Friday night, which was grrreat, and Sat was Aurel Trash which is music i dont generally like....but i frikken loved it!!
I have trained up a new girl (as far as you can train someone up,it aint brain surgery!) and she is fab. I love that my work is feeling nice and comfortable-with no awful people who seem to only want to be mean and two faced. Work is so fucking important to me as my life is really groundhog day, and the only respite i get from the boredom is the crazy stuff that happens at work. I love that for once my work life is the fun part, and my home life is the hard part!!! Its an interesting turn around...but now that the poisonous winter is outta the way....life is bound to get better...hopefully everyone will get happier...
We went to a party at four in the morn after work....brill. We rocked up in our wigs...4 rather tired wild haired crazys....wonderfull. I feel blessed to be a part of a family, albeit a crazy and debauched and kinda incestuous family...heh....perfect to me. I have to give myself rather largs props, as i met my best girl, went to the parade, then went to have 'A BEER'
and ended up staying oot till i had to go to wk at 10 pm (a good four hour 'BEER') and as i hadnt time to go home to change i went to work in my jandels. Harruh!!! Meh....It was only drum an bass....and i think they all have come to figure that the wierd smiley girl on the door is a bit of a bogan.Here are some pics of the Nelson Mask Parade....
This is Me + a very good friend.....
And this is Dunedin.
Thank goodness for this sun....I promise i wont complain ONCE that it is too hot!!
In the last week i have been to the river, the beach, out on me ole chopper, and drinking coffee in the sun under big red sun umbrellas.....the wonderfull smell of sun screen, grass and marijuana wafting all over the town on the light breeze.....
Thank goodness for the sun......
What a grrreat time in dirty old Dunners. I havent updated because i continued the excess+rockstar lifestyle all the way home!! Amazing. The crew at this place called refuel were so cool and nice that it made the whole gig easy and awesome. Not too many trouble-makers. Erm....only us.....
The car ride was excruciating....as it was 3 strangers in the back of an suv....(we werent strangers by the ride bak tho!!!You CANNOT get that drunk with people and then be shy the next day.)
We only really stopped in Timaru.....erm...what a lovely hole...heh.
Then we got to Dunedin which was cool, we were in this rather fancypants hotel, and i had a room ALL to myself...with 2 double beds even....It ruled.I decided one could get into rather alot of trouble if one wanted too...
Got a couple MINUTES sleep...then soundcheck....blah and blah....It Was cool...Met Roni Size-who was short...and MC Dynamite-who was cute...and they were kinda unsociable, which was cool....BLAH BLAH!!!!So...Gig was good...our DJ's-
Organikismness ripped the place up....was wonderful.Then all the previously exaulted bar staff proceeded to get us all quite disturbingly drunk...but all clothes stayed on...
On the walk home we would have been arrested were we in nelson...but it turns out the early morning people of Dunners are seemingly used to ridiculous looking people shouting obscenities (cute obscenities) and asking all the suits for 'high fives'.
And thats a bit of the exciting story!Theres a bunch more to it...but what goes on tour stays on tour apparently.
I love running thru it in my head cos I truley had the best time....Dunedin fucking Rules!!
I will go back.Lots.
How was your weekend? Erm...and week too?
Rock On.
::sigh::
But itll be good. The gig's tomorrow night, and I'm just the door bitch, but then on Friday I get
to spend the day in Dunners just hanging out, and walking round.....
I lived in Waitati for a little whil around 5 years ago. Before he died, my best friend C.J lived there....erm...and died there too......so I went down for a roadtrip, but then got there, loved it, and moved into his room in his house with his flatmates. It was a beautiful place. I really enjoyed it.
Anywho....I'm gonna take a bunch of photo's and then post 'em up here!
YAY!!
heh....
hmmmm.....no boobies for 3 days.....how shall I survive!!heh....
...then again....I do have MY OWN boobies.....
On Friday night we will drive back....again for 12 hours.
Ahhh well.
Take care, and have fun.
Sooooooo busy.
Work.....drinks.....work.....drinks......gym........drinks.......a thousand ciggies........and so on and so forth.
Wanna dance. Wanna scream along to bikini kill. Wanna find beautiful strangers to adore and flirt silently with.
Spring Baby!!!
I am truley sorry for my friends on the other side of the equator, BUT.....Im gonna have some SUMMER SOON!!!!
WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Im dying my hair pink and red....but i have such a bad cut, im not too sure....blah!!
I have a friend. And he is a GREAT friend, but he is in love with ANOTHER friend, who is in turn dating the first guys flatmate. And the girl in question is ALSO a good friend of mine....Its really sad. Shes with (in my opinion) an assholel, but girls. They tend to wanna be with fuckwits or something.
I hope people are happy and healthy.
Rock on.
