so I realize I should be sleeping at this time of night(especially since I just finished whacking it. lol) but something has come to my mind. I was looking up someone who recently added me to see what they were about and as I started typing their name my exes profile came up and I had the urge to creep and click on the profile and see what's up. she's got a private profile. but I'll come back to this in a big.. it's the amount of people who come in & out of your life and that the older one gets the more people they interact with. It amazes me to think of the people I have in my life currently and the people who aren't in it anymore. people whom I've had in my life for a few months to a few years to a dozen or more years for a few of them. what causes some friendships to last forever and some to fail after a while?
while looking at my ex I see she recently added my ex best friend. the Oatz half of the infamous duo Oatzphish as we were called and so curiousity took me to that profile as well and seeing some of the people he's still in contact with. a few people he was willing to tarnish our friendship over just to get some sex from them. people who he would tell horrible lies to who would grow to hate me and I'd never know why. he loved it. he enjoyed seeing people fight amongst each other and would sit back and just laugh. and for years I enabled him to do it to me by not having the confidence in myself to say anything to him about it. I let him slowly defeat me. I allowed him to ruin friendships with people just because I wouldn't stand up to him and that sucks. and as I strolled through his friends. I see many familiar yet distant faces. of many people I called friends. I untold amounts of his ex fuck buddies still on his list, the mother of 1 of his illegitimate kids, a girl whom I adored and that he fucked at work just to piss me off. and I let him do it and never said nothing. and I thought that if we were still friends today that I wouldn't be friends with some of you. because he would of manipulated his way into making us hate one another.
so I made the attempt to add and hopefully try and reconcile one such friendship that was lost during his reign of terror in my life. we'll see on that.
though he beat me down as a person I allowed him to do so. but you can only beat someone down so much before they flip a switch. and I did. I fought back and stood up to him and in doing so gained a lot of confidence that I still have to this day. I am me. I am myself. I will be weird, wild and creepy and confident while doing so and no worry about what someone else will say about it. I'm not ashamed to who and what I am. and neither should no one else. and if someone else tries to bring you down. you show them up and just be you. fuck'em.
in light of all this also. recent events have made me really think about friendship and how truly important it is to me. when a close friend of mine was sick. I was afraid to lose them. and it clicked in my head how precious life can be. so I suggest if you consider me or anyone else your friend then you need to show them everyday. never take them for granted. I will be doing the same. that's why i try to post mostly silly statuses so you get on and go to my profile and get a laugh, smile, giggle, smirk or rotflmao. that's how I try and make you all feel like I am your friend because I'm posting this stuff to make a good day better or a bad day brighter when you read it. so I ask all of you. is there anything I could do to be a better friend to you?
and im sorry this was long and full of ranting. just what's in my mind.