When I saw this topic I knew right away what I wanted to write about. Thank you @missy @rambo and @lyxzen <3
I will start by telling you a little about my epic romance that ended not-so-epicly. I started talking to a boy in San Diego (I live in Seattle, so somewhat far) back in September of last year, I remember because the first night we ever spoke was the night I submitted my debut set. Right away I knew I liked him. I had no idea how much he would end up meaning to me, but there was a spark for sure. He was (is) a drummer for a popular metal band down there and we talked about music, dreams, everything. He was the first boy I had liked that didn't intend to use me, or so I thought anyway.
The weeks went by and we got really close, really fast. I still remember the night I finally realized how much I liked and needed him... I was drunk (as usual at the time) and texting him. Long story short I opened up to him about awful things that have happened to me because of my family, things I had never told ANYBODY, and he just kept telling me it was all going to be okay and to relax and go to sleep. Which I did, and the next morning he texted me as if nothing had happened, instead of treating me like something weird or dirty after learning all of that about me. I had never felt closer to anybody in my whole life after that. He's an amazing person.
I'm a shirt-off-my-back kind of person. I will do anything and everything for somebody I care for. So I spoiled the hell out of him as much as I could. All I ever wanted was to see him happy.
He had never had a girlfriend and told me he wanted to wait until his band got signed or until he met me in person, so my personal goal became to make my way down to San Diego. I spent weeks trying. I didn't make enough money to go on my own, and my mother attempted to help me, and then changed her mind when something went wrong. I remember crying some nights, thinking I would never get to meet him, I would never get to be with the one person who made me feel worth anything.
And then it happened; a guy who was a fan of my modeling and who I am as a person decided to help me. He bought my plane ticket and my hotel room. He made it possible for us to meet. A pretty much random person, who just wanted me and the boy to be happy, made it possible for us to be together. It was the happiest news I had ever gotten.
About here is what I was thinking of when I saw the blog topic;
I flew to California on February 10. After half a year of talking every single day, after every fight, every make-up, every late night talking dirty on the phone, I was finally going to meet and be with my love.
When he picked me up at the airport it took everything in me not to cry. I remember shaking really hard as he hugged me and thinking oh my god oh my god it's really him he smells so good he's so soft oh my god. Lol. I loved him, I really really did.
We had an amazing time. He stayed in my hotel room with me the time I was there, it was like playing house ;) he took me shopping, and to meet his friends, but we spent most of the time just laying in bed together, talking, or cuddling, or fucking. I was his first time, I did my best to make it special. I had bought fake rose petals that smelled like real ones, flavored lube and massage oil, I pushed him in the bathroom and told him to stay there while I got the room set up haha. It was my first time "making love" with somebody so in a way it was my first time too.
When he dropped me back off at the airport to leave on Feb 12, I did cry. I couldn't help it that time. Three days weren't long enough, I wanted to stay forever...when I got home he told me he felt even more for me than he had before we met, he started telling me he loved me and we were pretty much (finally) an actual couple. I don't think I've ever been happier in my entire life. I got really sick right when I got home and he stayed up with me until like 1 or 2 in the morning even though he had to work early and I had to talk him out of contacting my mom to come help me (it was super sweet of him to try but I knew it would only piss her off). Before he finally had to leave I told him I loved him and he said "I love you too princess" and that was the first time he had ever said that to me and I didn't even feel sick anymore after that. Or maybe I did and it just didn't even bother me because I was so happy, I don't know. I saved that message on my phone for weeks, until I got a new phone.
After all of this, you would think we would be an amazing, strong couple....
Well apparently not.
Because about a week later he texted me after a fight we had and told me he couldn't be more than friends and he hadn't had feelings for me for a while...despite having told me a WEEK prior that he loved me and that he would tell me the second he stopped feeling for me. I felt shattered...I still do sometimes. It's only been about 2 months since it happened but it still hurts so much. We had this amazing, epic thing and out of nowhere he threw it away. Not even a month after we were finally together he fell out of love with me? And TEXTED me about it?
It was really bad for a while. I cried every day, I sent pictures to his friends out of anger and hurt (and yes I know it was wrong and we've since talked about it), I drank even more than I already was, I had never felt so broken in my entire life. I gave him everything I possibly could and it still wasn't enough for him. I was convinced I would be alone forever now that he didn't want me anymore, since being the emotional mess of a thing I am and also being a nude model it has been difficult to find anyone who wouldn't just want to use me.
Nowadays things are a little better. I've moved on to someone else and he has too, I'm still hurt by the situation but he is only a friend to me now. I don't know how he sees me but I would rather have him in my life as a friendly ex than not at all.
So, in conclusion, if I had to pick the most amazing, yet disastrous romantic gesture I've ever been apart of, it would have to be that trip to California and maybe the entire relationship in general.
I regret nothing really, but if I could turn back time I would. I keep thinking to myself, I shouldn't have opened up to him that drunken night. I shouldn't have said anything when him talking to other girls upset me. I shouldn't have gotten so defensive over him especially when he never got defensive over me. I should have spent more money on him, or less money on him, I don't know. I shouldn't have gotten sad when he couldn't tell me he loved me before. Maybe then we would still be together. So many things I would have done differently. But I can't, so I've learned to accept everything as it happened and learn from it. So many people never find true love, and I did, even if it didn't work out how I wanted, so I'm just grateful for that.
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