wow, its been awhile. i must update. been off doing the things i was meant to do. kinda still oing them. will post new svelte pictures of me in my super special bcg's. those things are ridiculous.
love,
your indyscout

fuckabees.

my infinite isnt so infinite feeling anymore. i agreed to put the pieces back together, but its a puzzle with no instructions or picture to guide me. those parts were lost long ago. i try, but am wary. i feel myself falling back into that trap again. the one where all i do is love too much and too hard and somehow come up short. and what special timing. i feel almost seasonal.
-k-

where did we go for so long
that when we came back we were bitter and cold
a distance so far that our expanse seemed imeasurable
i hope to regain what has slipped through our fingers
but i cannot rebuild without a foundation of truth
the greatest of structures built on deception have become the rubble soon forgotten
for if i am to be strong, then i must have faith in your candor
i will fight for anything dire to our continuance
i will fight for this, i will fight for my love
-k-

we are what? shells filled with gears and cogs. like this machine that creaks and moans when we force it to do what we want. but as much as we are physical, we are psychological. how we all wish we could know what anyone else is thinking we will never have that power. i guess we must learn to be contempt with that.
i would have to say that i'm having a really hard time cheering myself up lately. my world is turning to shit but i keep grinning because i know frowning will get me nowhere. and i dont want to start the descent down a very long spiral. it was very hard getting back up to where i am now. i do not mean to guilt anyone into anything. because in the end your choice is your choice and no one else can change that. i just feel very scared and helpless right now and its difficult to feel this way and be able to process the problem and troubleshoot a solution. this is shit, i have to stop now.
-k-

fuck! so does anyone know of a good first/ second shift job with insurance? everything around here wants to pay me 7-8 dollars an hour. how am i supposed to fucking live? i guess i could always go back to the black market baby dealing. its just such a commitment to feed those things.
-k-



these are a few of my most loyal customers

back bitch!! for another year
-k-

i might be going away for awhile, due to money. be back soon
-k-

so my mind's made up and i'm completely in love with this woman. i feel like we could survive anything together. i certainly hope we can. we bend and adapt and change to fit eachother and we do so unselfishly, unwantingly. especially right now when everything else has fallen into the sea for me, she has been the foundation that i can stand on. hopefully, oh hopefully this feeling will last. this has to be the best i've ever felt about anyone.
in other news, kmfdm this saturday at cincinnati. i'll be wearing my sg silverfoil shirt to represent. hopefully this caustic band doesnt blow, ive never heard of them.
-k-

hey society, remember me? i feel like i lost myself between the cracks in the time rift. some dark hole thats swallowed me up into a hesitant state. it seems like i'm being ignored by the masses. i guess that's a first for me and it's a really weird feeling. not that i try and stick out, but that not even when i am "normal" do i get recognized. even those closest. i thought being someones friend meant that they would spend at least a little time with you every now and again. i just feel really lame having to ask everyone and call everyone to do something. take the initiative to be friend, douchebag! oh well, strange thing though. i'm really unhappy about being lonely but its like i never have time to even have a life. not that i could do anything. i cant really pinpoint this right now, its really confusing. i just know that i'm in a weird position in my life for the first time. im on the verge of seriously dating this girl and im really afraid its going to turn out like my last one did. with me even lower in the end. what am i complainingabout? fuck this. i'd rather be angry than confused and i'd rather hate then be a target.
-k-
p.s. i know no ones watching, and even though i want companionship i'd rather drink to the thought of lonliness

we shall shatter these bones in a feeble attempt to become invincible

so nothing has changed deep down. i am so notorious for lying to myself. "you're all right, you're all right", the surface tells my deep down chasm. i give in to requests of others, knowing that in the end it will only end up hurting me. i guess i'm a glutton for pain and self destruction. i know i want to move on, but i'm leaving everything that defined me. it's harder than it looks to recreate yourself on the inside. these days just seem so meaningless anymore. i remember when i broke down in the funeral scene of rent at her house and she held me while i cried. she knew how much it hurt to lose someone close. that was such a sad time, but it's one of my favorites. i'll never have that eerie peace again. not soon enough anyway. yes things have gotten way too complicated and it's going way out of reach for me. i'm getting way too tired of all this. i just seem to drink myself to sleep in the mornings afterwork and sleep all day until i have to go to work more than twelve hours later. my life is passing me by because i'm too afraid of losing anything else. i just wish i could spend all my money on ink and immortalize these feelings within the only thing i can call mine.

-k-