Today is a bad day. I finally got to the point two weeks ago that I've felt shitty enough about myself to start working out daily. I started P90X and it's amazing. I have a ton of new energy and I'm starting to feel better about my body. I've been without a girlfriend for about two years and I haven't had sex in about 6 months. I truly feel most of the time that I am unattractive to anyone. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I fell in love with a girl who was seeing someone else at the time. this was about 2 years ago. He was in the marines and never around. I on the other hand was and we hung out often. It got to the point where I didn't care about this other guy any more and one night when she came to watch a movie at my house I told her how I felt and kissed her.
Things were pretty good for a while. I had to sneak around a lot, but I was too happy to be with her to care. Skipping over some time, she broke up with this guy and I obviously thought "perfect". I thought it would totally fall into place and i could be open and truly happy. instead she told me she wasn't ready for a new relationship and a few weeks later started sleeping with someone behind my back. A year and a half later we are on speaking terms again, much to the dismay of her boyfriend(the behind my back fucker).
More skipping... we are talking one night at work(we work together again) and her boyfriend who was extremely drunk, tries to pick a fight with me. I don't want to get fired so I put up no resistance until it is eventually broken up. She cries and breaks up with him on the spot. She comes home with me and tells me that she wants to b with me, she feels bad about what she did before and realized she should have been with me then. She wants to wait a few weeks to get over him then we can be together. I take my time and take it slow. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FUCK IT UP BY MOVING TO FAST OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. One day about 2 months after all this she stops talking to me and quits her job. I havn't seen her since and only spoke to her to get my comics back. This was in January. I found out 2 weeks ago that right after she quit her job, she got back together with this guy.
Fast forward a month, I start talking to this girl I knew from when I used to work at blockbuster. We have a lot in common and I like her. She seems to like me because she actually tries to call and text me if I don't call or text her for a while. We start hanging out and spending time. She spends a few nights at my house and I kiss her. I try to move forward a few nights later, no sex, just fooling around. That goes well. I hang out with her again only to find she is making me work for a kiss. I keep getting this weird vibe that she is bored and only wants to use me as a time killer. I try to shake it but the next few nights yield similar results. I start talking to her less over a few days to see if she'll text me or anything. Poor results. Haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and found out she started dating some guy just like that.
The question I am forced to ask myself is this, "Why am I constantly being passed over for other guys?" I value myself in that I am a terribly romantic person and deeply emotional. I try to keep a positive attitude and i generally like everyone I meet. I don't understand why no one wants to be with me. If I could post a disclaimer that went out to every girl I meet before hand it would say: "I'm a nice guy. I don't drink or smoke and I love to smile and make other people smile. I promise if I get to know you, I will tell you all the wonderful things you never knew about yourself. And if we start dating I will never ever be mean to you and you will always be loved and valued."
But, I can't. And I've come to believe that I will never be able to make people understand that before they decide they want some other guy who is more attractive than I am.
Today is a bad day, because everything inside me is love and all I want and everything I do is for someone to share it with and be happy. No one is there though. My love is born and dies everyday and it feels like some days there is less than the day before. I don't want to die alone.
Things were pretty good for a while. I had to sneak around a lot, but I was too happy to be with her to care. Skipping over some time, she broke up with this guy and I obviously thought "perfect". I thought it would totally fall into place and i could be open and truly happy. instead she told me she wasn't ready for a new relationship and a few weeks later started sleeping with someone behind my back. A year and a half later we are on speaking terms again, much to the dismay of her boyfriend(the behind my back fucker).
More skipping... we are talking one night at work(we work together again) and her boyfriend who was extremely drunk, tries to pick a fight with me. I don't want to get fired so I put up no resistance until it is eventually broken up. She cries and breaks up with him on the spot. She comes home with me and tells me that she wants to b with me, she feels bad about what she did before and realized she should have been with me then. She wants to wait a few weeks to get over him then we can be together. I take my time and take it slow. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FUCK IT UP BY MOVING TO FAST OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. One day about 2 months after all this she stops talking to me and quits her job. I havn't seen her since and only spoke to her to get my comics back. This was in January. I found out 2 weeks ago that right after she quit her job, she got back together with this guy.
Fast forward a month, I start talking to this girl I knew from when I used to work at blockbuster. We have a lot in common and I like her. She seems to like me because she actually tries to call and text me if I don't call or text her for a while. We start hanging out and spending time. She spends a few nights at my house and I kiss her. I try to move forward a few nights later, no sex, just fooling around. That goes well. I hang out with her again only to find she is making me work for a kiss. I keep getting this weird vibe that she is bored and only wants to use me as a time killer. I try to shake it but the next few nights yield similar results. I start talking to her less over a few days to see if she'll text me or anything. Poor results. Haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks and found out she started dating some guy just like that.
The question I am forced to ask myself is this, "Why am I constantly being passed over for other guys?" I value myself in that I am a terribly romantic person and deeply emotional. I try to keep a positive attitude and i generally like everyone I meet. I don't understand why no one wants to be with me. If I could post a disclaimer that went out to every girl I meet before hand it would say: "I'm a nice guy. I don't drink or smoke and I love to smile and make other people smile. I promise if I get to know you, I will tell you all the wonderful things you never knew about yourself. And if we start dating I will never ever be mean to you and you will always be loved and valued."
But, I can't. And I've come to believe that I will never be able to make people understand that before they decide they want some other guy who is more attractive than I am.
Today is a bad day, because everything inside me is love and all I want and everything I do is for someone to share it with and be happy. No one is there though. My love is born and dies everyday and it feels like some days there is less than the day before. I don't want to die alone.