From 310lbs to 270. 225 here I come. Went tto the dock bar Saturday and got a fistful of numbers from girls that were much prettier than me. All my old jeans fit again. LIFE IS GOOD. Cant wait to go on the pin. After I shred down I'm gonna get HUGE.
"Coming Full Circle."
So She wants back into my life. Again. On her terms. Again. Lucky Me, I guess.
So the story goes something like this. My best friend dated this girl in HS. Years ago. His first real love. He's married now, 2 kids. Crazy worthless wife. No one yet has disagreed with me once I've explained why I call her crazy and worthless, so just trust me on this one. But I digress. So he brings this girl out a couple times, a years time a part. Second time we go out she corners me. She has a thing for me, she says. I make her feel like she's the only girl in the room she says(I do actually). I tell her she's drunk, Im drunk, my best friend is her ex, yadda yadda. The next day it continues. I'm weak so I break. Shes 23 and very pretty, and i'm well, 32 and not. We hang out 1 time, just to feel things out. Its great. I talk to my best friend. This does not go over well. People I consult with tell me that he's married and being selfish, so, being the weak hearted man that I am when it comes to women, I continue to see her. For a week.
It was a magical week. To this day I describe it as "The Perfect Week". And it really was. Texting all day long, but never to the point it got annoying, if it took me a while to get back, whatever, no worries. After we both got off work we spent every evening together. As romantic as I'd like it to sound, at night we fucked like rabbits. I could say we made love, but i'm being honest here. We were seemingly compatible in every way. For a week.
A week in she decides to be very non communicative all day. She goes to dinner "With a friend". After dinner she calls me, with something to confess. Seems that before we had our little week, our little blink in the eye of eternity, she had a boyfriend. One that doesn't treat her very well. One that she makes seem as he isn't abusive, but very close to going over that edge. He's also addicted to drugs. Painkillers If i recall correctly. She's concerned he'll hurt himself if she walks out. I try to explain that no matter what you'll never be able to be there all the time and if he's going to hurt himself, its just gonna happen. She tells me she cant speak to me anymore. For 2 days this lasts.
Texting and calling everyday. This goes on a while. Then I get the call. My mother is sick, dying, 6 months of her life left to live. My life now takes its own personal nose dive. I get violently ill from stress. Thinking on one subject or the other makes me vomit. She comes and spends the day with me the day I find out about Mom. She goes back to him at the end of the day.
Eventually I tell her i can't deal with talking to her all day and then her being with him all night, so I cant talk to her anymore. less than 2 weeks go by and she leaves him, even when he was on his best behavior she missed me she says.
The fact that my Mother was dying, combined with the fact that this girl had just left me and come back made me feel very insecure. Clearly I acted overly possessive of her. prozac, percocet, and 2 fisted drinking all day did not help this at all. I acted out at inappropriate times, letting my insecurity get the best of me. She left me. She said she wanted to stay friends. I told her absolutely not. Please pretend I don't exist.
2 and a half months ago my Mom finally passed. She just found out last week. She sent me a message that day. She said she wanted to be there for me. She said she hoped I changed my mind and we could get together and hang out. Apparently I had.
So we started talking again. and the texting all day started. And we went to dinner. And it was really nice, we laughed for hours. We flirted some too. There was a small to moderate amount of alcohol involved. She tells me she wants to be "friends first" and then "maybe" we'll see were it goes from there. We go back to her house. We sleep in the same bed together. We do NOT have sex, or anything even close. We talk for several hours. We basically spill our guts to one another about everything thats happened over the past months. We cuddle all night long. That really blew my mind.
The next day we go to breakfast, and then lay around watching a movie. Before leaving, I kiss her. She does not push me away. Her only reply is "your not going to make this friends thing easy are you?" I shrug my shoulders and walk out the door.
Today we talked on the subject some more. She said she didn't think our friendship would change to anything romantic"in the near future". I told her that ultimately something would have to change between us, or one or the other would find someone and the other wouldn't really be included anymore. it's just the way things happen. I have lots of female friends. When they're dating someone, I'm an after thought, and likewise them for me. Its just the way it goes.
Obviously I still have feelings for the girl. But I'm hoping someone will read this and tell me what they think. Be her friend and hope I can win her over "One day" without getting my heart destroyed in the process? Drop her like a bad habit? Doubt I'm capable of that, one never knows, just realize that if thats your advice it prolly won't happen overnight. Something. Anything.
Mainly writing this makes me feel better getting it off my chest, but i'd really like to hear some advice. Or maybe I wouldn't, who knows.
So She wants back into my life. Again. On her terms. Again. Lucky Me, I guess.
So the story goes something like this. My best friend dated this girl in HS. Years ago. His first real love. He's married now, 2 kids. Crazy worthless wife. No one yet has disagreed with me once I've explained why I call her crazy and worthless, so just trust me on this one. But I digress. So he brings this girl out a couple times, a years time a part. Second time we go out she corners me. She has a thing for me, she says. I make her feel like she's the only girl in the room she says(I do actually). I tell her she's drunk, Im drunk, my best friend is her ex, yadda yadda. The next day it continues. I'm weak so I break. Shes 23 and very pretty, and i'm well, 32 and not. We hang out 1 time, just to feel things out. Its great. I talk to my best friend. This does not go over well. People I consult with tell me that he's married and being selfish, so, being the weak hearted man that I am when it comes to women, I continue to see her. For a week.
It was a magical week. To this day I describe it as "The Perfect Week". And it really was. Texting all day long, but never to the point it got annoying, if it took me a while to get back, whatever, no worries. After we both got off work we spent every evening together. As romantic as I'd like it to sound, at night we fucked like rabbits. I could say we made love, but i'm being honest here. We were seemingly compatible in every way. For a week.
A week in she decides to be very non communicative all day. She goes to dinner "With a friend". After dinner she calls me, with something to confess. Seems that before we had our little week, our little blink in the eye of eternity, she had a boyfriend. One that doesn't treat her very well. One that she makes seem as he isn't abusive, but very close to going over that edge. He's also addicted to drugs. Painkillers If i recall correctly. She's concerned he'll hurt himself if she walks out. I try to explain that no matter what you'll never be able to be there all the time and if he's going to hurt himself, its just gonna happen. She tells me she cant speak to me anymore. For 2 days this lasts.
Texting and calling everyday. This goes on a while. Then I get the call. My mother is sick, dying, 6 months of her life left to live. My life now takes its own personal nose dive. I get violently ill from stress. Thinking on one subject or the other makes me vomit. She comes and spends the day with me the day I find out about Mom. She goes back to him at the end of the day.
Eventually I tell her i can't deal with talking to her all day and then her being with him all night, so I cant talk to her anymore. less than 2 weeks go by and she leaves him, even when he was on his best behavior she missed me she says.
The fact that my Mother was dying, combined with the fact that this girl had just left me and come back made me feel very insecure. Clearly I acted overly possessive of her. prozac, percocet, and 2 fisted drinking all day did not help this at all. I acted out at inappropriate times, letting my insecurity get the best of me. She left me. She said she wanted to stay friends. I told her absolutely not. Please pretend I don't exist.
2 and a half months ago my Mom finally passed. She just found out last week. She sent me a message that day. She said she wanted to be there for me. She said she hoped I changed my mind and we could get together and hang out. Apparently I had.
So we started talking again. and the texting all day started. And we went to dinner. And it was really nice, we laughed for hours. We flirted some too. There was a small to moderate amount of alcohol involved. She tells me she wants to be "friends first" and then "maybe" we'll see were it goes from there. We go back to her house. We sleep in the same bed together. We do NOT have sex, or anything even close. We talk for several hours. We basically spill our guts to one another about everything thats happened over the past months. We cuddle all night long. That really blew my mind.
The next day we go to breakfast, and then lay around watching a movie. Before leaving, I kiss her. She does not push me away. Her only reply is "your not going to make this friends thing easy are you?" I shrug my shoulders and walk out the door.
Today we talked on the subject some more. She said she didn't think our friendship would change to anything romantic"in the near future". I told her that ultimately something would have to change between us, or one or the other would find someone and the other wouldn't really be included anymore. it's just the way things happen. I have lots of female friends. When they're dating someone, I'm an after thought, and likewise them for me. Its just the way it goes.
Obviously I still have feelings for the girl. But I'm hoping someone will read this and tell me what they think. Be her friend and hope I can win her over "One day" without getting my heart destroyed in the process? Drop her like a bad habit? Doubt I'm capable of that, one never knows, just realize that if thats your advice it prolly won't happen overnight. Something. Anything.
Mainly writing this makes me feel better getting it off my chest, but i'd really like to hear some advice. Or maybe I wouldn't, who knows.
Coming Full Circle
Ok. So now she wants back in my life. Not that she ever wanted to be completely out, but it was better for me that way, I thought then, and I still think that temporarily it was right now.
So she was my best friends HS GF from 7 years ago. He's 25, I'm 32, she's 24. Lil timeline for ya there. He's married now, just had his second rugrat. Hates his old lady. Still had a thing for the ex apparently. So he borught her out a couple times. She confronts me that she has a thing for me. I hadn't had a relationship in a couple years, so, not the classiest move I've ever made, but I gave in and dated her. I called him to fill him in, kinda try to clear the path. Figuring he's married, with kids, got no real claim on the girl. He's still very unpleased about the situation, but eventually he got over it.
So I dated her for a little while. just about the time I found out my Mom was dying. We spent a week together. A week that when we discuss it still, is referred to as "the perfect week". It was nice, man. Mind-blowing. Then she comes to me and tells me she hadn't broke up with her BF before getting involved with me. The perfection ends. We continue to talk, and nothing else. To negotiate things so to say. She tells me she's worried if she leaves he'll hurt himself. I tell her that no matter what your never gonna be able to protect him for the rest of his life. A few weeks go by, she leaves him. We get back together. The sudden end to"the perfect week", plus the news of my mother being sick and dying, plus the whole going back to her BF thing combined with anti-depressants and a LOT of alcohol leave me feeling terribly insecure. I lash out, on more than one occasion. My insecurity turns me into an asshole. I saw it then, I see it now. We break up, she leaves me a few weeks in. I tell her politely never to speak to me again.
Then she finds out about my Mom passing. Happened like 2 months ago. She sends me a message saying how sorry she is and how she wishes she could have been there for me. She tells me she knows she has no reason to expect that I've changed my mind, but she'd like to get together. I think about this long and hard. Of course I reply back. Of course we talk and text on the phone all day. Of course we go out.
In the days leading up she tells me how excited she is to be getting to see me again, on more than one occasion. When I tel her she's too excited she says "who wouldn't be excited to see you, your great?". We go to dinner. We have a marvelous time. Theres definately a chemistry still in the air, heavy like smoke. We talk the entire time, non stop, 4 hours. We talk more in the parking lot. The subject turns to "Us". She tells me she wants to be "friends first". We go back to her place. We do NOT have sex. It may have been a possibility, but I wasnt going to press the issue. I spend the night. We hold each other all night long. We talk into the wee hours. We go to breakfast and come home and watch a movie this morning. Before i leave, I kiss her. No tongue, A brief, soft kiss. She says "your not going to make this friend thing easy, are you?" I shrug my shoulders and leave. In a text later in the day she says "friends is good, even f its the kind of friends that spend a lot of time together and cuddle. Maybe it'd be best if we hold off on the kissing tho?" She gives me a rain check on dinner with some friends.
What I think of the situation....She's mentioned "friends first" and says she isn't ruling anything out. She told me she had recently been on 4 dates with some dude but he didnt seem that interested. While we're in bed she says she's decided he's a douche bag for not chasing after her. She said she just wanted me to be on the level with the way things seemed they were going. She didn't push me away when I kissed her. She came away smiling. So basically what I'm thinking is she's trying to test me out. Trial period if you will. See if I really was just an ass cuz I was going through my own personal hell at the time. She seems to still really like me. I think she wants to get back together, and after a lot of thought, I would like to as well.
What I'm afraid of....... She's lonely and just wants a friend and knows that I never really turn my back on anyone. Or she really just wants to be friends and only ever friends and is too scared to be up front about it. Or that I'm just being strung along any old way, period.
So I wrote this all down, cuz well, it helps me to get some of this stuff out at times I'm learning. Secondly, anyone that actually takes the time to read this, if anyone ever does, I'd really like your input.
Ok. So now she wants back in my life. Not that she ever wanted to be completely out, but it was better for me that way, I thought then, and I still think that temporarily it was right now.
So she was my best friends HS GF from 7 years ago. He's 25, I'm 32, she's 24. Lil timeline for ya there. He's married now, just had his second rugrat. Hates his old lady. Still had a thing for the ex apparently. So he borught her out a couple times. She confronts me that she has a thing for me. I hadn't had a relationship in a couple years, so, not the classiest move I've ever made, but I gave in and dated her. I called him to fill him in, kinda try to clear the path. Figuring he's married, with kids, got no real claim on the girl. He's still very unpleased about the situation, but eventually he got over it.
So I dated her for a little while. just about the time I found out my Mom was dying. We spent a week together. A week that when we discuss it still, is referred to as "the perfect week". It was nice, man. Mind-blowing. Then she comes to me and tells me she hadn't broke up with her BF before getting involved with me. The perfection ends. We continue to talk, and nothing else. To negotiate things so to say. She tells me she's worried if she leaves he'll hurt himself. I tell her that no matter what your never gonna be able to protect him for the rest of his life. A few weeks go by, she leaves him. We get back together. The sudden end to"the perfect week", plus the news of my mother being sick and dying, plus the whole going back to her BF thing combined with anti-depressants and a LOT of alcohol leave me feeling terribly insecure. I lash out, on more than one occasion. My insecurity turns me into an asshole. I saw it then, I see it now. We break up, she leaves me a few weeks in. I tell her politely never to speak to me again.
Then she finds out about my Mom passing. Happened like 2 months ago. She sends me a message saying how sorry she is and how she wishes she could have been there for me. She tells me she knows she has no reason to expect that I've changed my mind, but she'd like to get together. I think about this long and hard. Of course I reply back. Of course we talk and text on the phone all day. Of course we go out.
In the days leading up she tells me how excited she is to be getting to see me again, on more than one occasion. When I tel her she's too excited she says "who wouldn't be excited to see you, your great?". We go to dinner. We have a marvelous time. Theres definately a chemistry still in the air, heavy like smoke. We talk the entire time, non stop, 4 hours. We talk more in the parking lot. The subject turns to "Us". She tells me she wants to be "friends first". We go back to her place. We do NOT have sex. It may have been a possibility, but I wasnt going to press the issue. I spend the night. We hold each other all night long. We talk into the wee hours. We go to breakfast and come home and watch a movie this morning. Before i leave, I kiss her. No tongue, A brief, soft kiss. She says "your not going to make this friend thing easy, are you?" I shrug my shoulders and leave. In a text later in the day she says "friends is good, even f its the kind of friends that spend a lot of time together and cuddle. Maybe it'd be best if we hold off on the kissing tho?" She gives me a rain check on dinner with some friends.
What I think of the situation....She's mentioned "friends first" and says she isn't ruling anything out. She told me she had recently been on 4 dates with some dude but he didnt seem that interested. While we're in bed she says she's decided he's a douche bag for not chasing after her. She said she just wanted me to be on the level with the way things seemed they were going. She didn't push me away when I kissed her. She came away smiling. So basically what I'm thinking is she's trying to test me out. Trial period if you will. See if I really was just an ass cuz I was going through my own personal hell at the time. She seems to still really like me. I think she wants to get back together, and after a lot of thought, I would like to as well.
What I'm afraid of....... She's lonely and just wants a friend and knows that I never really turn my back on anyone. Or she really just wants to be friends and only ever friends and is too scared to be up front about it. Or that I'm just being strung along any old way, period.
So I wrote this all down, cuz well, it helps me to get some of this stuff out at times I'm learning. Secondly, anyone that actually takes the time to read this, if anyone ever does, I'd really like your input.
"The Pin"
I've considered going on the pin for years now, off and on, passing thoughts really. When I was 25 and benching 405 and walked into bars and panties got wet at the site of me I figured what the hell do i need to juice for? I've already got what I want. yep thats right folks. Steroids. Vitamin S. The Sure Shot.
See I started back to the gym like 2 months ago. Lost 30 Lbs. look and feel better, Yadda Yadda. I've been honest my whole life though. Everyone around me was shootin shit in thier ass, and I always played it straight. So I'm 32 now, and yeah I lost some weight, put a little muscle back on, and I work HARD. 4 am almost every day before work. half hour or so of cardio, 45 mins to an hour of weight training. Then I go to work and deliver cases of beer wine and liquor all day. So what the hell man? Is it so bad I wanna cut a few corners? Now that I'm older the old metabolism is slowing down and honestly I can use all the help i can get.
What am I hurting really? My liver? After years of hard drinking he wakes up next to me every morning and my liver has told me, if a fifth of beam every night for 4 years didnt kill me by now, who the hell cares? Oh someones gonna say "well your testicles are gonna shrivel" Oh you mean these right here? the ones I'm not fucking using? I mean cut me a break here everybody tells me I'm not fat, I'm stocky, this is usuall just before or just after they remind me of the stud I USED to be, but if stocky means you ain't gettin none, and fat means you ain't gettin none, aint they the same damn thing?
So talk to me, the limited amount of people that will see this. Thoughts, advice, criticism, whatever. lemme have it.
I've considered going on the pin for years now, off and on, passing thoughts really. When I was 25 and benching 405 and walked into bars and panties got wet at the site of me I figured what the hell do i need to juice for? I've already got what I want. yep thats right folks. Steroids. Vitamin S. The Sure Shot.
See I started back to the gym like 2 months ago. Lost 30 Lbs. look and feel better, Yadda Yadda. I've been honest my whole life though. Everyone around me was shootin shit in thier ass, and I always played it straight. So I'm 32 now, and yeah I lost some weight, put a little muscle back on, and I work HARD. 4 am almost every day before work. half hour or so of cardio, 45 mins to an hour of weight training. Then I go to work and deliver cases of beer wine and liquor all day. So what the hell man? Is it so bad I wanna cut a few corners? Now that I'm older the old metabolism is slowing down and honestly I can use all the help i can get.
What am I hurting really? My liver? After years of hard drinking he wakes up next to me every morning and my liver has told me, if a fifth of beam every night for 4 years didnt kill me by now, who the hell cares? Oh someones gonna say "well your testicles are gonna shrivel" Oh you mean these right here? the ones I'm not fucking using? I mean cut me a break here everybody tells me I'm not fat, I'm stocky, this is usuall just before or just after they remind me of the stud I USED to be, but if stocky means you ain't gettin none, and fat means you ain't gettin none, aint they the same damn thing?
So talk to me, the limited amount of people that will see this. Thoughts, advice, criticism, whatever. lemme have it.
OK so maybe I'm just unlucky. maybe i got a bad vibe going. i really don't know, But how the fuck come every girl I meet lately is like "oh we should so date" and then it gets no further than like 2 dates and she's like "oh yeah by the way i'm Bi and i have an on going relationship with X" Come on man WHAT THE FUCK. Dont get me wrong. The lesbian thing is cool. The Bi thing I really have no fricking issue with, i'm a firm believer in dowhatchalike, but like what do i have to do to find a girl that digs ME? Even if she was like I'm bi but i'm diggin you right now yadda yadda i'd be totally cool, but please dont start or try to start something with me and right off the bat be like yeah when ur not around i'm gonna fuck someone else, but its ok cuz its a chick. Cuz its FUCKING NOT. wear sexy shit. go to bars and clubs. have people hit on you. hell have them hit on you in front of me. i wont start a fight. i could care less, hell, its a compliment that i'm out with a girl that other people wanna be with. But the I'm gonna fuck somebody else when ur not around shit....its a no go. Even if it turned into 'hey u could join in" type thing. Maybe i'm close minded. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But all i want is a chick that wants to be with me.
For those of you keeping up, My Mom passed Sat night. I've been out of town for a few days to go take care of her, stopped back by to grab my suit. I'll be back in PA this afternoon for the services, and to take care of my old man, he's a total and abolute wreck after taking a leave of abscence and waiting on her hand and foot the last couple months, and someone needs to be there to take care of him, so i'm gonna stay up there for a bit, but not 'net till i get back.
So fuckin BOO HOO me right? Since I last posted anything my mother was doing great, till like 2 weeks ago. Now they say she has 1-3 months. And i should be sad right? Mad at the world? But its really hard to be upset when I call her and call her (i was calling everyday, now I'm down to calling 2-3 times a week.) and she doesn't answer my calls or even return them. Ever. no exaggeration. I get to talk to her once every 2 weeks or so now. WTF! This shit is crushing me inside and any time i say anything my pops or sister jump in and say its "not the right time" so when the hell is? After she dies? should i cal a frickin seance and say "hey, the fact that you avoid talking to me, or whatever the hell it is your doing, is ripping my heart out an shitting on it?" Like don't even know what to do and i thought i had this shit under control. No matter what happened, good or bad i was gonna be there, be the one she talked to about things. I don't have any gripes. we never had any issues between us other than the same ol shit when your a teenager. So whats this crap? How do i get left out when i was the only one that was always there? Dad was over the road, never home. Her and my sister clashed at every turn. And I'm the fuckin guy that gets left out while she's on her death bed? Fuck that. I'm thru. Yeah I'll regret it. But what else can I do?
OCTOBER 2010
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