I miss my girlfriend so much. She is a teacher, but couldn't find work in the city, so we often go weeks apart. Sorry, I think I'm burying the lead.

My Mom got diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. It was in her uterus, and she's 71. As such, the surgeon felt free to cut and cut and cut and it seems that the cancer is probably all gone. This is harder to go through alone.

Ironically, it made me think about my relationship with my girlfriend. We've been together a long time and I know she wants me to propose, but I haven't because I want to make my proposal a grand gesture. You see, I've made so many grand gestures in the past and had nothing come of them and is feels wrong not to give the woman I will spend the rest of my life with a gesture even grander.

Here's the plan: We have a big thing with pumpkins in our relationship. I often call her pumpkin and we have developed an impressive variety of pumpkin recipes for our dinner parties. Now that we at least spend out Summers together (she was previously in Ottawa in the Summer to play in the Band of the Ceremonial Guard--yes that's a big deal) I want to cover my garden with pumpkins that she and I will plant and tend together. When we harvest them in the fall, we will turn them into sparkling wine. It takes a year for pumpkins to ferment fully, so it will require both of us to check on and rack the wine for a full year. When it comes time to bottle the wine I'll be doing the heavy lifting and I'll hand her a box of labels to put on the wine. The labels will have a picture of us kissing and say, "jesusX and Pumpkin are pleased to announce their engagement. Like this wine, this love has required the love and dedication of them both. They have both been tended to, and cared for. And most importantly, they are both alive. This wine, which took over a year and a half of care, is alive. It is the living proof of our love and we are sharing it with the people we love so that they can celebrate our engagement, our love and our impending wedding."

Here's the thing: if my mom's cancer has spread, she will not seek treatment. The count down to the hardest day of my life begins.

So, fuck grand gestures! My mom is gonna be there when I get married. If we have time, then I propose the way I want, if not, then fuck it. Real life is so much more important than PLANS!