This Saturday, I turn 30 and am, er, doing the thing all heterosexual women secretly want to do... and you're invited!
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On December 6, Jennifer Dziura, comedian and hostess of the long-running Williamsburg Spelling Bee, turns 30. She decided to celebrate by hiring male models to hand out bon-bons and fulfilling her lifelong dream of objectifying the male body in pageant form. In the Man-Pageant, eight contestants ranging from models to dancers to singers to boxers (!) compete in runway and talent rounds, as well as a "Mr. Cuddly" round in which they wear boxer briefs and tight t-shirts and attempt to prove that they are the cuddliest. Teddy bears may be involved.
Pageant hosting by comedian Abbi Crutchfield. Pageant judging by sex writer Twanna Hines, dating author Virginia Vitzthum, blogger Nichelle Nichols, sex writer Audacia Ray, comedy festival founder Desiree Burch, dating author and columnist Judy McGuire and former Playgirl art director Corinne Rochelle.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
9:00pm
Madame X
94 West Houston Street, on the north side between LaGuardia & Thompson (directions)
$7
21+
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On December 6, Jennifer Dziura, comedian and hostess of the long-running Williamsburg Spelling Bee, turns 30. She decided to celebrate by hiring male models to hand out bon-bons and fulfilling her lifelong dream of objectifying the male body in pageant form. In the Man-Pageant, eight contestants ranging from models to dancers to singers to boxers (!) compete in runway and talent rounds, as well as a "Mr. Cuddly" round in which they wear boxer briefs and tight t-shirts and attempt to prove that they are the cuddliest. Teddy bears may be involved.
Pageant hosting by comedian Abbi Crutchfield. Pageant judging by sex writer Twanna Hines, dating author Virginia Vitzthum, blogger Nichelle Nichols, sex writer Audacia Ray, comedy festival founder Desiree Burch, dating author and columnist Judy McGuire and former Playgirl art director Corinne Rochelle.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
9:00pm
Madame X
94 West Houston Street, on the north side between LaGuardia & Thompson (directions)
$7
21+
The Great Reformation (a.k.a. The 95 Theses of Pilates)
In response to this post, my brother has asked:
"Also, what the fuck is a Pilates Reformer? Am I to believe that Pilates was in some way corrupt and was in need of some improvement or amendment?"
This is a Pilates Reformer:
This is what happens when you graduate from the sad little point-your-toes-and-squeeze-your-abs mat class at the gym and go to a real Pilates studio that has invested in equipment.
This is Martin Luther, instigator of the Reformation:
Martin Luther didn't do Pilates.
On the Reformer, you can do this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
I'm pretty sure this one is Kim Basinger from 9 1/2 Weeks
All of which make a person feel very girly, just like a special snowflake, but none of which will make you look like this:
...which is accomplished by lifting a lot of heavy things (feel free to ask the model), generally with progressive resistance that can be quantified and tracked.
Not to say that a Pilates workout can't leave you exhausted and sore and sweaty. But Pilates instructors say they focus on the "inner" core muscles you can't even see; sure enough, in a Pilates studio featuring a big poster that said "REAL MEN DO PILATES," I was asked to do some very personal squeezing of some very personal muscles.
Do real men do Pilates? Sure, but I'm not sure even someone as Brave New World as I wants to strengthen her pelvic floor in a coed environment.
In response to this post, my brother has asked:
"Also, what the fuck is a Pilates Reformer? Am I to believe that Pilates was in some way corrupt and was in need of some improvement or amendment?"
This is a Pilates Reformer:
This is what happens when you graduate from the sad little point-your-toes-and-squeeze-your-abs mat class at the gym and go to a real Pilates studio that has invested in equipment.
This is Martin Luther, instigator of the Reformation:
Martin Luther didn't do Pilates.
On the Reformer, you can do this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
I'm pretty sure this one is Kim Basinger from 9 1/2 Weeks
All of which make a person feel very girly, just like a special snowflake, but none of which will make you look like this:
...which is accomplished by lifting a lot of heavy things (feel free to ask the model), generally with progressive resistance that can be quantified and tracked.
Not to say that a Pilates workout can't leave you exhausted and sore and sweaty. But Pilates instructors say they focus on the "inner" core muscles you can't even see; sure enough, in a Pilates studio featuring a big poster that said "REAL MEN DO PILATES," I was asked to do some very personal squeezing of some very personal muscles.
Do real men do Pilates? Sure, but I'm not sure even someone as Brave New World as I wants to strengthen her pelvic floor in a coed environment.
let's get stupid
I keep injuring myself.
Years ago, I called home from college to tell my parents I had sprained my ankle. My Dad's first question: "Did you fall off a shoe?" I have lately been damaging myself in similarly girly ways.
First, I cut my finger while cooking, and then split it open again while putting on tights, and again while detangling my hair. And then I slammed my thumb in a Pilates Reformer machine -- this, after years of making fun of Pilates, which it turns out I disliked just as much as I thought I would. And then I was actually injured by my own bracelet -- a big, hinged, metal bangle that clamps around the wrist, normally leaving plenty of space between my skin and the hinge -- except, apparently, when I clap at my own comedy show, thereby jangling the bracelet enough that it snaps open and closed again on my lower arm.
Just watch my stab myself in the eye with an eyelash curler. Those work better if you heat them up on the stove, right?
p.s. - In keeping with the "let's get stupid" title above, my credit card company put a security block on my card after I made a $49 purchase at a local Staples. Because that's sooo suspicious. The customer service representative (in Bangalore) seemed miffed by my argument: That's what credit cards are for. Could I really do anything less suspicious with my credit card?
I keep injuring myself.
Years ago, I called home from college to tell my parents I had sprained my ankle. My Dad's first question: "Did you fall off a shoe?" I have lately been damaging myself in similarly girly ways.
First, I cut my finger while cooking, and then split it open again while putting on tights, and again while detangling my hair. And then I slammed my thumb in a Pilates Reformer machine -- this, after years of making fun of Pilates, which it turns out I disliked just as much as I thought I would. And then I was actually injured by my own bracelet -- a big, hinged, metal bangle that clamps around the wrist, normally leaving plenty of space between my skin and the hinge -- except, apparently, when I clap at my own comedy show, thereby jangling the bracelet enough that it snaps open and closed again on my lower arm.
Just watch my stab myself in the eye with an eyelash curler. Those work better if you heat them up on the stove, right?
p.s. - In keeping with the "let's get stupid" title above, my credit card company put a security block on my card after I made a $49 purchase at a local Staples. Because that's sooo suspicious. The customer service representative (in Bangalore) seemed miffed by my argument: That's what credit cards are for. Could I really do anything less suspicious with my credit card?
From a show I did in Memphis, TN (contains the word "blowjob," in case you're inexplicably listening to comedy clips off SG at work or with your parents):
And here are my upcoming tour dates! I'm traveling with ex-SG Molly, for those of you who are fans.
Washington, D.C.:
Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura's Comedy Rock Star Sex Party
Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.
The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum
Wednesday, February 28th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College
In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.
D.C. Arts Center
2438 18th St. NW
7:30pm
$10
Raleigh-Durham, N.C.:
Saturday March, 3rd
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$15. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com
Sunday, March 4th
A Triple Threat of Subversive Women Who Will Eat Your Brain
A cult classic about strippers who kill men with their bare hands, a burlesque dancer turned authoress, and a comedian in Wonder Woman underpants, all in one day.
305 South Anti-Mall
305 South Dillard St., Durham
2pm - movie
4pm - Molly's book signing and mini Dr. Sketchy's
7pm - Jen's comedy show
All free.
Norfolk, VA:
Monday, March 5th
Jen appears at The Boot
123 W. 21st St., Norfolk
8:00 pm
$5
Baltimore, MD:
Tuesday, March 6th:
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$20. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com
Wednesday, March 7th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College
In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.
Sponsored by Original Sin Cider -- free with admission, 'til it runs out!
Hamilton Arts Collective
5440 Harford Road (third floor)
Baltimore, MD
(443)653-2120
Doors at 7:40pm, show at 8:00pm
$10
New York, NY:
Monday, March 12th
Jen's Return to New York Show!
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer St., Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)
www.petescandystore.com
7:30
As always: five comics, free candy, no cover.
And here are my upcoming tour dates! I'm traveling with ex-SG Molly, for those of you who are fans.
Washington, D.C.:
Monday, February 26th
Jennifer Dziura's Comedy Rock Star Sex Party
Jennifer Dziura hosts a raucous late-night of comedy, grooves by Monstertail and Death by Sexy, and burlesque dance numbers from Molly Crabapple.
The Red and the Black
1212 H St NE, Washington, DC
9pm
$8, free red beans & rice with 2-drink minimum
Wednesday, February 28th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College
In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.
D.C. Arts Center
2438 18th St. NW
7:30pm
$10
Raleigh-Durham, N.C.:
Saturday March, 3rd
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$15. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com
Sunday, March 4th
A Triple Threat of Subversive Women Who Will Eat Your Brain
A cult classic about strippers who kill men with their bare hands, a burlesque dancer turned authoress, and a comedian in Wonder Woman underpants, all in one day.
305 South Anti-Mall
305 South Dillard St., Durham
2pm - movie
4pm - Molly's book signing and mini Dr. Sketchy's
7pm - Jen's comedy show
All free.
Norfolk, VA:
Monday, March 5th
Jen appears at The Boot
123 W. 21st St., Norfolk
8:00 pm
$5
Baltimore, MD:
Tuesday, March 6th:
Stand-Up Workshop With Jen Dziura
$20. RSVP to seminar@jenisfamous.com
Wednesday, March 7th
What Philosophy Majors Do After College
In her hour-plus solo show, Jen starts off with "The History of Western Philosophy in Fifteen Minutes," and then expounds comedically on what one does with a degree in philosophy. In her case, stints as an art school model, a professional contraceptive tester, a failed dot-com entrepreneur, and finally, a comedian telling grammar jokes in Wonder Woman underpants.
Sponsored by Original Sin Cider -- free with admission, 'til it runs out!
Hamilton Arts Collective
5440 Harford Road (third floor)
Baltimore, MD
(443)653-2120
Doors at 7:40pm, show at 8:00pm
$10
New York, NY:
Monday, March 12th
Jen's Return to New York Show!
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer St., Williamsburg (L train to Lorimer)
www.petescandystore.com
7:30
As always: five comics, free candy, no cover.
I'm back!
If it were 1890, I might say it was "splendid."
That marriage thing really didn't work out.
I'm going on tour soon (with ex-SG Molly, actually).
xo
Jen
jenisfamous.com
If it were 1890, I might say it was "splendid."
That marriage thing really didn't work out.
I'm going on tour soon (with ex-SG Molly, actually).
xo
Jen
jenisfamous.com
In Houston, I was in a cab when I saw out the window a tattoo parlor with a sign that said "TATTOOS $20. LADIES FREE WITH PURCHASE OF--"
And then we drove past before I could read the rest.
Jokes about getting a free lady aside, what on earth do you buy to get yourself a free tattoo on the side?
And then we drove past before I could read the rest.
Jokes about getting a free lady aside, what on earth do you buy to get yourself a free tattoo on the side?
FEBRUARY 2009
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