TGIF!
oh wait...it sucks its friday because this weekend I have the national guard shit. so god damn pointless...do they not understand I spent the last 4 and a half years in the REAL army?! fucking part timers wasting a perfectly good weekend. damn them to hell. >.<
on a lighter note...went to IKEA today! I love that place, everything they make serves at least 2 purposes!
but since I have to be up balls early I think its time for bed. fuck.
oh wait...it sucks its friday because this weekend I have the national guard shit. so god damn pointless...do they not understand I spent the last 4 and a half years in the REAL army?! fucking part timers wasting a perfectly good weekend. damn them to hell. >.<
on a lighter note...went to IKEA today! I love that place, everything they make serves at least 2 purposes!
but since I have to be up balls early I think its time for bed. fuck.
Damn you apartment leasing people, delaying my move by a day! I will have my revenge! Or forget entirely about this outrage 2 minutes after I get the keys to the place!
So today I almost fell asleep in math. The sad thing is there seemed to be people in the class actually having difficulty with it...it being linear equations...which I learned in 7th grade. WTF America...stop being so fucking stupid please. I dont want to have to move out of the country and deny my birth place entirely.
So today I almost fell asleep in math. The sad thing is there seemed to be people in the class actually having difficulty with it...it being linear equations...which I learned in 7th grade. WTF America...stop being so fucking stupid please. I dont want to have to move out of the country and deny my birth place entirely.
haha I dont even remember writing that last entry, damn you vodka!
My life as it is now:
in school now
moving into my apartment next week
officially single and...loving it? jury is still out on that one
due to the prior point, Im exploring my sexuality eagerly
thats the important stuff, it is a time of change.
bring it on life!
My life as it is now:
in school now
moving into my apartment next week
officially single and...loving it? jury is still out on that one
due to the prior point, Im exploring my sexuality eagerly
thats the important stuff, it is a time of change.
bring it on life!
Im yet again unsure how to start this blog. It always seems to be such a mystery. But at least at this point I know that it is no sin to say "I dont know". I have been through layers of therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists and still am not entirely sure of what the differences are between them all. All I know at this point is that I know very little and it just might happen to be that my parents were right...on numerous occassions.
But dick that all sideways...the importance now lies in my willingness to progress. My ability to mensch. To live up to the persona i have created for myself. Damn my inability to downplay myself. If only I could be a worthless bastard and be content with that... But alas I can not.
Ok, that was over played.
The simple fact of the matter is that I have been drinking in hopes that it will slow my brain down some so that my finger can keep up. But even those lightest of falanges cant seem to keep pace with my overactive cortexes.
Someone please give me a reason to have a boner and nothing more complicated than that.
But dick that all sideways...the importance now lies in my willingness to progress. My ability to mensch. To live up to the persona i have created for myself. Damn my inability to downplay myself. If only I could be a worthless bastard and be content with that... But alas I can not.
Ok, that was over played.
The simple fact of the matter is that I have been drinking in hopes that it will slow my brain down some so that my finger can keep up. But even those lightest of falanges cant seem to keep pace with my overactive cortexes.
Someone please give me a reason to have a boner and nothing more complicated than that.
my schedule as of late has been nothing less than hectic. if we end up not going to Haiti I will be irate.
the possible deployment has brought to the forefront the conflict caused by the duality of my nature. my new found conciousness and compassion clashes violently against my aggressive and vicious inclinations. especially seeing as my last deployment was one to a war torn land, the idea of a humanitarian mission simply does not conform to my expectations and experiences. there is no established enemy force. in afghanistan you couldnt tell the difference between enemy and civilian, so everyone was treated with scepticism and suspicion. the instinct was to shoot first and confirm later, self interest was paramount. and now Im being told that the habitants of this foreign land are to be taken care of and treated with compassion. its not something I am trying to resist, simply something that does not come naturally.
my only hope now is that I dont do any harm to another human being without it being totally necessary...
the possible deployment has brought to the forefront the conflict caused by the duality of my nature. my new found conciousness and compassion clashes violently against my aggressive and vicious inclinations. especially seeing as my last deployment was one to a war torn land, the idea of a humanitarian mission simply does not conform to my expectations and experiences. there is no established enemy force. in afghanistan you couldnt tell the difference between enemy and civilian, so everyone was treated with scepticism and suspicion. the instinct was to shoot first and confirm later, self interest was paramount. and now Im being told that the habitants of this foreign land are to be taken care of and treated with compassion. its not something I am trying to resist, simply something that does not come naturally.
my only hope now is that I dont do any harm to another human being without it being totally necessary...
ok so an earthquake rocks Haiti. for some damn reason the national guard doesnt get sent to clean that shit up. so now Im on staand by to go sunday and start picking up bodies or something llike that. go figure...
the mayhem that has ensued over the last 24 hours can not be described in a way that would give justice to the situation. to try to explain it would make it appear to be a list of petty complaints. but such things result in extreme stress and angst in the life of an army infantryman.
the worst part of it being that I am yet again entertaining the idea of reenlisting, adding years to my already too long military term. the determining factor being whether or not I feel that I can affect a change in the system. but how could one know such a thing before trying? damn you life and your many paths and results.
the mayhem that has ensued over the last 24 hours can not be described in a way that would give justice to the situation. to try to explain it would make it appear to be a list of petty complaints. but such things result in extreme stress and angst in the life of an army infantryman.
the worst part of it being that I am yet again entertaining the idea of reenlisting, adding years to my already too long military term. the determining factor being whether or not I feel that I can affect a change in the system. but how could one know such a thing before trying? damn you life and your many paths and results.
almost fell behind on the blog! had to lend my laptop to a buddy for the night last night...I felt so out of place without this things here. I missed my damn Pandora music playing nonstop. it did however provide me a chance to do something other then surf the net...start working on my next tattoo! should be ready to go shortly, not Ill just have to find a shop around here with someone who can do some good line work.
last night I was texting my ex and pretty much having virtual sex with her...and had my laptop been here it would have been a webchat extravaganza! but then I would have missed the call from my brother who just graduated basic! funny how things work out sometimes. I dont believe in fate in the sense that we have no control over whats going to happen in our lives but from time to time it certainly does seem as though things happen for a reason.
last night I was texting my ex and pretty much having virtual sex with her...and had my laptop been here it would have been a webchat extravaganza! but then I would have missed the call from my brother who just graduated basic! funny how things work out sometimes. I dont believe in fate in the sense that we have no control over whats going to happen in our lives but from time to time it certainly does seem as though things happen for a reason.
today Im suppossed to be going to Raleigh to see a hockey game. and Im not sure I want to. for one thing I dont follow hockey or sports in general and so I feel like I would be losing time I could be spending on gettin things accomplished here. but the other side of the coin is that I like hanging out with my buddies and its a new place to see and new people to meet...yet the reasons I want to stay here arent antisocial. its a matter of wanting to be productive. arg! damn life's complications!
I took a few ambien and a few minutse later washed it down with a pina colade. my brain doesnt seem yo be able to keep track of my body.Im going to try mastrurbation with my fun new toys lol
almost forgot to update this today! lol
well today I slept in and slept it off then got up and have been pretty productive since. I went out to home depot and got the essential tool sfor a project Im planning to build a bar in my room. its gonna be awesome! and on the way back I stopped in a sex shop and picked up a rubber asshole masturbator thing and some cock rings! cant wait to test it all out. lol
Ive been in amazingly high spirits lately, I think Im overcoming my depression nearly completely. good bye clouds hello sunshine! and theres no meds involved so it feels like much more of a personal victory.
Ive become much more social as a result. hence my higher level of activity on the site.
I suppose Ive just become more productive in general. and this all started as result of me carving a christmas gift for a friend! lol it sure as shit is not a depressing time of year if you handle yourself properly.
well I need to get my laundry going and finish cleaning up my room!
well today I slept in and slept it off then got up and have been pretty productive since. I went out to home depot and got the essential tool sfor a project Im planning to build a bar in my room. its gonna be awesome! and on the way back I stopped in a sex shop and picked up a rubber asshole masturbator thing and some cock rings! cant wait to test it all out. lol
Ive been in amazingly high spirits lately, I think Im overcoming my depression nearly completely. good bye clouds hello sunshine! and theres no meds involved so it feels like much more of a personal victory.
Ive become much more social as a result. hence my higher level of activity on the site.
I suppose Ive just become more productive in general. and this all started as result of me carving a christmas gift for a friend! lol it sure as shit is not a depressing time of year if you handle yourself properly.
well I need to get my laundry going and finish cleaning up my room!
