im off to norfolk for a few days to help a friend with knife vending business. im hoping time away from this shit hole pa will do me some good. atleast i know im not going to get burnt by this friend because he feels more like family than a friend. doesnt help that het cuts me killer deals on all sorts of knives and toys....if anyone is in the norfolk va area i encourage you to stop out and say hi. im not trying to plug the gun and knife show just looking for people to say hi and maybe chat with for a little. to be honest anymore to me a smile goes along way.
I have had it i cant take it anymore depression is only getting worse. thought some one was intrested only to find out it was a set up and almost got jumped. i really cant deal with this anymore. i have lost any sence of anything im loosing grip on realality. i dont see my counciler till the 19 i cant get to a shrink till july. im at my end. im so lost i feel completly alone. my body is giving out on me i cant seem to eat. i have lost 15 lbs in a little over a week. i wish for once i i could post a happy blog but seems im not ment to be happy
so again im blown off for a date. nothing changes ever. everyone says pick your self up and dust yourself off....thats alot easier said than done. its really starting to get old and im worn out. between depression anxiety and stress being blown off is only making things worse. its gotten to the point that i dont think im ment to be with someone. i have slowly watched my dreams fade away. its rare i know to hear a guy say he wants to settle down have a family but i do and im losing that dreams for sometime now. to be completly honest its like im missing part of me. i dont feel whole anymore, with out someone in my life to care for i feel completely unwanted and useless. sounds stupid but thats who i am. i just want someone to want to be with me love me as much as i love them. seems utterly out of reach i cant even say its in sight....
so again im overly stressed back to the dr to get diffrent meds seeing as im allergic to what they gave me yesterday. im trying to be strong but im not having nightmares of things in my life that im trying to deal with so its back to insominia. im also sitting here puzzled by why i can not get a date when i see guys who treat women like complete shit they find relationships. is it true nice guys do really finish last? it really bothers me that i would do anythign just for a meaningful dinner date. this seems to much to ask of anyone. sadly its making me become more and more anti social, out of fear of being used again. just once i wish i could have the good fortune of having someone want me around. its hard to find something positive to build on, when im just a wallet to most so called friends, or im good enough when they need help. and to top it off its snowing again this is one fucked up april fools joke. i again ask myself what is wrong with me, no matter what you do your taken advantage of abused and end up alone.
its gotten to the point i know i need tattooed (yeah need tattooed) but i cant get a design i really want because im so stressed, when i draw it its not coming out close to what i invision.
its gotten to the point i know i need tattooed (yeah need tattooed) but i cant get a design i really want because im so stressed, when i draw it its not coming out close to what i invision.
well went to dr got new meds told im supposed to see a shrink and go to counciling. first off its kinda hard for me to open up to a complete stranger who is going to judge me as soon as i walk in the door. yes i admit i do still carry some personal problems that i still dealing with from times past. meds are helping i think.....i dont feel like ripping into anyone. i wonder if there is a tattooed and pierced shrink out there might make me feel a little more comfortable. second hoping i can find a new place to live closer to work hopefully it will come through. im trying to find hope still but not looking so well. i dont see me dating anytime soon sadly but its what ever im used to it by now, trying to get up the confidence to go to the movies by myself. still feels akward. guess thats all for now. thank you for those of you who have offered kind and supportive words in the past few days.
off to the dr to find out why my depression is only gettign worse. maybe im just saddend by so called normal society. so far being on here i have met some great people and have tryied to help im sorry they couldnt but the thought does mean alot to me that strangers do still try to help one another.
its the same thing all over again. i was used because of my kindness, and nothing more. Seems this will never change. heart broken yet again. its getting harder and harder to see anything positive. Just once i wish someone would actually want to be with me for me. aparently that is always to much to ask.
im trying to find where to draw strength from to give me patience. im walking a very very thin line with something in my life i need to take it slow ......i dont know if i have the strength not to push.....just once i wish something other than heart break and pain would come easy.
