Hey SG Land!
First off:
PANDA T-SHIRTS!!!!!
My new favorite t-shirts for sure! I immediately thought of zombiebacon and her massive addiction to t-shirts! bwhahaha
School is going okay, doing shitty in a course but hopefully I can rally a passing grade.
I got a 91% on my digital arts project!
I switched my major to pre-journalism-advertizing because it makes much more sense. I LOVE being around people, public speaking, being an attention whore, i'm an awesome writer and have a lot of confidence to pull it off. My aunt for the first tkime was very happy with that choice. it maximizes my strengths and lessens my weaknesses. I can graduate in 6 terms!!!
Because of the assault charge I have to wait until February of 2016 to get it expunged off my record.
So it will be near impossible to get a real job with that on there. I decided I want to go get my masters to kill that time and end up with a much better paying job to-boot.
I'm glad i dont have to work on my portfolio, and I already took journalism 201 which is the first of 3 cores I have to take.
The voice acting is JUST NOW starting because the studio closed, the guy was out of town who referred me to a guy who moved states so now Jon is back in town and we can finally start this process. I need to email him and work stuff out but school is getting pretty crazy so it will have to be put on the back-burner.
I just want to pass my classes to clear my core gen ed and focus on my major.
take care SG!
~Panda
First off:
PANDA T-SHIRTS!!!!!
My new favorite t-shirts for sure! I immediately thought of zombiebacon and her massive addiction to t-shirts! bwhahaha
School is going okay, doing shitty in a course but hopefully I can rally a passing grade.
I got a 91% on my digital arts project!
I switched my major to pre-journalism-advertizing because it makes much more sense. I LOVE being around people, public speaking, being an attention whore, i'm an awesome writer and have a lot of confidence to pull it off. My aunt for the first tkime was very happy with that choice. it maximizes my strengths and lessens my weaknesses. I can graduate in 6 terms!!!
Because of the assault charge I have to wait until February of 2016 to get it expunged off my record.
So it will be near impossible to get a real job with that on there. I decided I want to go get my masters to kill that time and end up with a much better paying job to-boot.I'm glad i dont have to work on my portfolio, and I already took journalism 201 which is the first of 3 cores I have to take.
The voice acting is JUST NOW starting because the studio closed, the guy was out of town who referred me to a guy who moved states so now Jon is back in town and we can finally start this process. I need to email him and work stuff out but school is getting pretty crazy so it will have to be put on the back-burner.
I just want to pass my classes to clear my core gen ed and focus on my major.
take care SG!
~Panda
Me and my dad went to the coast! We had to climb this 35% uphill deep sand dune to get to the ocean and it was pretty hard work. But the view was AMAZING! It wasn't like any other p[lace i've seen, from where i was standing to the water alone was the size of a football field! Miles as far as the eye could see pure sand and ocean! ahhhh so beautiful!
We then went to a waterfall which was beautfiul and then it had a higher point look out of the waterfall and ahhh so amazing!
Me and my dad also worked major family issues and it was very heated but it ended with a conclusion that worked out VERY WELL. i was pretty surprised the way it went haha but good to put that long volatile chapter behind us.
Got an absolute shit grade on my project because i mapped the file path wrong so i lost 7% of my total grade on a stupid ../
Now for a massive photo dump:
dad doesnt know how to work ipod touch camera bwhahaha
It wasn't like any other p[lace i've seen, from where i was standing to the water alone was the size of a football field! Miles as far as the eye could see pure sand and ocean! ahhhh so beautiful!We then went to a waterfall which was beautfiul and then it had a higher point look out of the waterfall and ahhh so amazing!
Me and my dad also worked major family issues and it was very heated but it ended with a conclusion that worked out VERY WELL.
i was pretty surprised the way it went haha but good to put that long volatile chapter behind us.Got an absolute shit grade on my project because i mapped the file path wrong so i lost 7% of my total grade on a stupid ../
Now for a massive photo dump:
dad doesnt know how to work ipod touch camera bwhahaha
not much to report, dad is in town which is great. I'll write a good blog when more stuff is going on, quiet and dull at the moment which at times is a good thing. 
~panda
~panda
I had a very good dream last night. It was one of those clearly obvious dreams with very obvious representations of my real life that my subconcous told me what to do about in life.
It started out with this girl came into town and I was so obsessed with her. She didn't appreciate me for shit but I couldnt get over here. I bought her clothes, cooked for her, gave her fine wine and treated her like a pampered princess. But she was just using me and I didn't see it. It took me a lot if wasted time and money to see the errors of my ways, but I finally broke up with her. My buddy told me to be weary of her but I didn't listen.
Jump forward to the next scene. I was on this spaceship where there were a bunch of idiots who were messing with the computer mainframe. They decided to switch the operatin system from Linux to Mac. I freaked out but I was outnumbered. I had to escape by going up stairs and up reverse direction escalators and eventually made it to the medical unit. There was this elegant and beautiful woman there. I was being a loud obnoxious shit head and she wasn't interested in me. She hen said she was a major in psychology and philosophy and I told her I was bipolar. I showed her I was a caring thoughtful and humble gentleman and we fell in love.
We had to escape the mutiny of the space station. We ended up on a sailor docks where we were running from people trying to steal and kidnap my new love. I asked a Jewish temple for sanction but they said they were now a church to the grim reaper and I was not welcomed. A short guy an a VERY lanky dude were chasing us. The lanky dude grabbed me from behind and trapped my arms and legs. I tried biting him but I couldn't get free. Thy ended up kidnapping my new love.
And then I woke up.
Now for the real life meaning of his dream.
My SG friend mayra and I became friends early December. She was moving to Eugene in the summer and I was so excited. She and I thought we would become good friends. The next few months we rarely spoke; I would message get and she wouldn't even read the messages(it shows if you saw/read them or not). She hasn't responded to me in over 2 months but I still had my mind set of her. Now that she is here and still has spoken to me, I have realized (like the girl in my dream) that I was having my heart and mind set on the wrong girl.
The spaceship was dealing with digital arts and how we had to use macs I HATE macs!!!! People don't want a technical program which translates my feeling of my school's digital art program. This school is a liberal arts college and not a technical school. They don't teach you the tools they only expose you to programs and tell you to create art. It is hard to find proficiency in a program you rarely get taught because you are just minimally exposed to it.
Meeting the girl has a couple parts to it. I've always been known as this loud energetic chaotic person who people can't handle. I consider myself a gentleman but because I am so loud I very rarely display it unless one on one with a person. I've been tryin to change into a true gentleman because I've never been a "bro". You'll never hear me say "oh dud got so tucks up and tapped that bitch!" That is absolutely disgusting to say and treats a woman (who. should be treated as a LADY) like a sex object. Fuck that. I want people to know me as this gentleman and when I'm a loud obnoxious chaotic shit head no one sees that side of me. That's why that girl was so put off. I the. Changed my ways and she saw the true side I want to show to people. I want to be that strong caring and thoughtful gentleman instead of a loud punk shit.
The church of the grim reaper meant that I need to move away from all the dark morbid shit I've held onto all my life. I read a quote somewhere saying (paraphrasing)" we are not afraid of our darkness, we are afraid out of light. We are afraid to be brilliant, beautiful, attractive, ambitious, caring. We need to grab deep within ourselves hat side and make it our whole being" I need to embrace that side of me and let go of all my baggage. I want to make true friends and have fun and enjoy life and not hold myself back by the thought of letting my darkness dictate my life. I got a calorie exercise app to record my weight loss and now after this dream am going to experience life the way I should be after all the shit I've been through. I want to have fun and laugh and be a free man of all the mental baggage and negative past I've been carrying with me for way too long.
The people trying to kidnap and hold me back are my current group of friends. They are drinking and doing drugs which I grew out of at 17 and I'm over 4 1/2 years sober. Like I've said for the past many blogs is to have adult relationships away from this college scene bullshit. I've found some clubs and support groups that will hopefully put me along this path. I need to stop waiting around for that social scene to happen and seek it out actively.
Every few weeks I have a very obvious metaphor dream that gives me direction in life. It is the best motivation I can get versus my support team and family. I'm ready to start this change I so desperately say I want but have been waiting around for and bitching about it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry for the log novel but it is really important that I wrote it down not only for myself but to mark my progress and to hopefully get some input to help me with this maturity transition.
Maybe other people can take something out of this too; I hope they can.
~Panda
It started out with this girl came into town and I was so obsessed with her. She didn't appreciate me for shit but I couldnt get over here. I bought her clothes, cooked for her, gave her fine wine and treated her like a pampered princess. But she was just using me and I didn't see it. It took me a lot if wasted time and money to see the errors of my ways, but I finally broke up with her. My buddy told me to be weary of her but I didn't listen.
Jump forward to the next scene. I was on this spaceship where there were a bunch of idiots who were messing with the computer mainframe. They decided to switch the operatin system from Linux to Mac. I freaked out but I was outnumbered. I had to escape by going up stairs and up reverse direction escalators and eventually made it to the medical unit. There was this elegant and beautiful woman there. I was being a loud obnoxious shit head and she wasn't interested in me. She hen said she was a major in psychology and philosophy and I told her I was bipolar. I showed her I was a caring thoughtful and humble gentleman and we fell in love.
We had to escape the mutiny of the space station. We ended up on a sailor docks where we were running from people trying to steal and kidnap my new love. I asked a Jewish temple for sanction but they said they were now a church to the grim reaper and I was not welcomed. A short guy an a VERY lanky dude were chasing us. The lanky dude grabbed me from behind and trapped my arms and legs. I tried biting him but I couldn't get free. Thy ended up kidnapping my new love.
And then I woke up.
Now for the real life meaning of his dream.
My SG friend mayra and I became friends early December. She was moving to Eugene in the summer and I was so excited. She and I thought we would become good friends. The next few months we rarely spoke; I would message get and she wouldn't even read the messages(it shows if you saw/read them or not). She hasn't responded to me in over 2 months but I still had my mind set of her. Now that she is here and still has spoken to me, I have realized (like the girl in my dream) that I was having my heart and mind set on the wrong girl.
The spaceship was dealing with digital arts and how we had to use macs I HATE macs!!!! People don't want a technical program which translates my feeling of my school's digital art program. This school is a liberal arts college and not a technical school. They don't teach you the tools they only expose you to programs and tell you to create art. It is hard to find proficiency in a program you rarely get taught because you are just minimally exposed to it.
Meeting the girl has a couple parts to it. I've always been known as this loud energetic chaotic person who people can't handle. I consider myself a gentleman but because I am so loud I very rarely display it unless one on one with a person. I've been tryin to change into a true gentleman because I've never been a "bro". You'll never hear me say "oh dud got so tucks up and tapped that bitch!" That is absolutely disgusting to say and treats a woman (who. should be treated as a LADY) like a sex object. Fuck that. I want people to know me as this gentleman and when I'm a loud obnoxious chaotic shit head no one sees that side of me. That's why that girl was so put off. I the. Changed my ways and she saw the true side I want to show to people. I want to be that strong caring and thoughtful gentleman instead of a loud punk shit.
The church of the grim reaper meant that I need to move away from all the dark morbid shit I've held onto all my life. I read a quote somewhere saying (paraphrasing)" we are not afraid of our darkness, we are afraid out of light. We are afraid to be brilliant, beautiful, attractive, ambitious, caring. We need to grab deep within ourselves hat side and make it our whole being" I need to embrace that side of me and let go of all my baggage. I want to make true friends and have fun and enjoy life and not hold myself back by the thought of letting my darkness dictate my life. I got a calorie exercise app to record my weight loss and now after this dream am going to experience life the way I should be after all the shit I've been through. I want to have fun and laugh and be a free man of all the mental baggage and negative past I've been carrying with me for way too long.
The people trying to kidnap and hold me back are my current group of friends. They are drinking and doing drugs which I grew out of at 17 and I'm over 4 1/2 years sober. Like I've said for the past many blogs is to have adult relationships away from this college scene bullshit. I've found some clubs and support groups that will hopefully put me along this path. I need to stop waiting around for that social scene to happen and seek it out actively.
Every few weeks I have a very obvious metaphor dream that gives me direction in life. It is the best motivation I can get versus my support team and family. I'm ready to start this change I so desperately say I want but have been waiting around for and bitching about it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry for the log novel but it is really important that I wrote it down not only for myself but to mark my progress and to hopefully get some input to help me with this maturity transition.
Maybe other people can take something out of this too; I hope they can.
~Panda
I got my project done w00t! I needed help because the lab teacher and the tutor dont know shit and we did it on the first day of class. but the actual instructor helped me out and I'm waiting on his email even though the project is due in 6 hours haha fuck.
I helped my friend halowire with her project and fixed it and I was amazed I could read the retarded spider web of code with ZERO COMMENTS!
I told her that even if she has a boyfriend i still would like to become good friends with her and she actually thanked me and I asked why and she said most guys dont become her friend because she has a boyfriend. So i think i'll make a true honest sober friend which would make me a really happy panda bear.
This fucking kid in my martial art class last quarter was a bitch because he said he was sick as shit and we got to talking and then we talked about knives and i showed him mine and then ALL OF THE SUDDEN he felt good enough to participate in class! I scared him because he's a bitch. haha he then comes up to me yesterday and i tell him he was being a bitch and he said "why dont we go outside without your knife blah blah blah" MAJOR MAN AGRRO! I said so monotone "dude i really couldnt give a fuck...." god i used to be that way getting major man aggro over nothing. it was hilarious to see my old self in him bwhahaha
It was earth day the 22nd and oregon is a major green state. They are having a concert at the school and I GET TO WEAR MY GREENMAN SUIT! Because I sound like the celebrity who wears it i'm totally going to mindfuck people! I need my team of wingmen/wingwomen! 
I love how i get to use it even after halloween bwhaha 
Classes are going well and i had major pressure from school this week but after this week is over i have 1 more project due saturday night which will take maybe an hour. i REALLY need to work on my portfolio but school comes first; ugh i really need to get started learning this shit.
I'm meeting with a social worker today to help me find an adult sober social scene and he knows me pretty well. Hopefully it'll pan out.
Full moon was a harvest moon and big and orange. it was pretty calming compared to the white full moon. I always say im jewish and we follow the lunar calendar and we're very hairy so we are CLEARLY werewolves!!!! haha
The weather is turning super nice; pure sunny 70 degrees!! I cant wait to start working out to lose weight. Once i get my panda tattoo i'm for sure taking my shirt off in nice weather to show it off! bwhahaha once you get bigger tattoos you find more and more reasons to wear less clothing to show them off! bwhaha
That's all for now!
Enjoy the nice weather!
~Panda
I helped my friend halowire with her project and fixed it and I was amazed I could read the retarded spider web of code with ZERO COMMENTS!
I told her that even if she has a boyfriend i still would like to become good friends with her and she actually thanked me and I asked why and she said most guys dont become her friend because she has a boyfriend. So i think i'll make a true honest sober friend which would make me a really happy panda bear.
This fucking kid in my martial art class last quarter was a bitch because he said he was sick as shit and we got to talking and then we talked about knives and i showed him mine and then ALL OF THE SUDDEN he felt good enough to participate in class! I scared him because he's a bitch. haha
he then comes up to me yesterday and i tell him he was being a bitch and he said "why dont we go outside without your knife blah blah blah" MAJOR MAN AGRRO! I said so monotone "dude i really couldnt give a fuck...." god i used to be that way getting major man aggro over nothing. it was hilarious to see my old self in him bwhahaha It was earth day the 22nd and oregon is a major green state. They are having a concert at the school and I GET TO WEAR MY GREENMAN SUIT!
Because I sound like the celebrity who wears it i'm totally going to mindfuck people! I need my team of wingmen/wingwomen! I love how i get to use it even after halloween bwhaha Classes are going well and i had major pressure from school this week but after this week is over i have 1 more project due saturday night which will take maybe an hour. i REALLY need to work on my portfolio but school comes first; ugh i really need to get started learning this shit.
I'm meeting with a social worker today to help me find an adult sober social scene and he knows me pretty well. Hopefully it'll pan out.
Full moon was a harvest moon and big and orange. it was pretty calming compared to the white full moon. I always say im jewish and we follow the lunar calendar and we're very hairy so we are CLEARLY werewolves!!!! haha
The weather is turning super nice; pure sunny 70 degrees!!
I cant wait to start working out to lose weight. Once i get my panda tattoo i'm for sure taking my shirt off in nice weather to show it off! bwhahaha once you get bigger tattoos you find more and more reasons to wear less clothing to show them off! bwhaha That's all for now!
Enjoy the nice weather!
~Panda
full moon yesterday. Usual effects, anger rage, dealing with slow people who can't help me and get me even more of a furious raging panda bear. Freaked out in class because the teachers and tutors are fucking useless. They are artists and in thier words"i'm not a techie" then the fucking teacher doesn't know what we did ON THE FIRST FUCKING DAY!! he gave me a BROKEN project file. I was at school and didnt have my computer(we have to use macs and i FUCKING HATE macs!)
So then I had to go back home and RECREATE MY VIDEOS because i needed sound. I install a virtual machine of mac so i dont have to deal with that bullshit of not having my computer. God i FUCKING HATE quartz!!! it's a fucktarded GUI programming with a fucktarded spider web of bullshit instead of adding a effect and using a panel. FUCK THAT PROGRAM!!!
The full moon didnt help matters and i had to take a heavy duty med to calm me the fuck down. I had a cigarette in the full moon light and started getting amped and going crazy. I just wanted to go to bed and not deal with bullshit. I love the full moon, but if i have to deal with COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOTS the full moon works against me.
Conversely the new moon gives me a sense of renewal and time for change. Does anyone else think like this?
~panda
I was at school and didnt have my computer(we have to use macs and i FUCKING HATE macs!)So then I had to go back home and RECREATE MY VIDEOS because i needed sound. I install a virtual machine of mac so i dont have to deal with that bullshit of not having my computer. God i FUCKING HATE quartz!!! it's a fucktarded GUI programming with a fucktarded spider web of bullshit instead of adding a effect and using a panel. FUCK THAT PROGRAM!!!
The full moon didnt help matters and i had to take a heavy duty med to calm me the fuck down. I had a cigarette in the full moon light and started getting amped and going crazy. I just wanted to go to bed and not deal with bullshit. I love the full moon, but if i have to deal with COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOTS the full moon works against me.
Conversely the new moon gives me a sense of renewal and time for change. Does anyone else think like this?
~panda
feeling a bit better, pressure from school is over in a few days once i get this project done. I have a simple "futuristic living room" idea for my portfolio which once I learn 3ds max should be easy to create, i learned the noise modifier is GREAT for creating a shag carpet!
Pretty much all I wanted to say haha, sorry to worry you guys with my sads, i'm getting better! I'm meeting with a social worker at the college who knows me pretty well and will hopefully turn me in the right direction on the "adult sober social scene".
I wanted him to escape soooo bad!
~Panda
Pretty much all I wanted to say haha, sorry to worry you guys with my sads, i'm getting better! I'm meeting with a social worker at the college who knows me pretty well and will hopefully turn me in the right direction on the "adult sober social scene".
I wanted him to escape soooo bad!
~Panda
so lonely and depressed. This town is full of drunks and stoners. School clubs are just giant cliques that are snobby assholes if you dont fit their type.
I wish something could change to make me happy...
*sad crying panda*
I wish something could change to make me happy...
*sad crying panda*
Hey SG Land!
I feel like it's been forever since I've last updated. My classes are going well. I love my teachers. On a great note object oriented programming finally clicked in my head!!!
I've been experimenting with Maya and 3DS Max 3D software and I've tried Maya and I feel it isn't for me. 3DS Max seems more my style and I've downloaded some really good tutorials. The hotkeys are different but I have a 14 button gaming mouse that I've mapped it out. I'm learning Unity 3D gaming engine and I haven't even started it because I need to learn a 3D modeling software. It is a huge undertaking but I need to do it for my portfolio. I looked at other people's portfolios and my seems way more advanced. But knowing the direction of the future 3D is the way to go. I'm excited to learn Unity because it has a lot to do with programming which is my strong suite. I know 3 pieces to work on but I need to complete a project first. Ugh
I like my classes except for my anthropology(sexuality and culture)- it's a bunch of freshman and sophomores who laugh at the words penis, vagina, and sexy underwear. the teacher is awkwardly docile and has no confidence-he's like a skiddish deer. And now i hate my teacher because she is SOOOOO ROOTED that EVERYTHING is sexual, anywhere from child pageants to close female/male friends to any possible aspect of the human dynamic! I said to here: "I think we have predisposition to sexuality because we are looking for it. We are clouded from objectivity because we already have a preemptive thought on what to look for" and she said "Let me show you something..." FUCKING BITCH IS SO CLOSE MINDED!!! it's either her way or fuck you you're obviously wrong and aren't grasping the "obvious" material She's so close minded it reminds me of people who don't think global warming or the holocaust exist!!! Ugh sooo retarded.
I HATE HATE HATE Quartz Composer!!!! It is so basic that is more tedious than user friendly. It is a GUI programming and is fucking retarded. I need to learn Pencil 2D animation for this project and I already know the basic of animation because I learned Flash back in the day. It shouldn't be too hard but it will definitely be time consuming. Once I get that done I can focus on 3ds max. 10 week quarters are a brutal time crunch for projects. I'm really excited for Digital Arts and I think it will be a great career in the future.
On a negative note(once again) I don't like my group of friends. They are the embodiment of the college scene and just get fucked up. I HATE drugs and that's all they do. They are not only smoking weed but experimenting with cocaine, acid, and other harder drugs. I grew out of that shit when I was 17. I'm over 4 ½ years sober and it makes me very angry that I'm back in that environment. I met a good guy in the group named Tom who feels similar to my complaints. He is definitely more mature than most in the group. This group's recreation and socializing is to get fucked up. Like I said I want adult relationships with true friendships and not just acquaintances. I want to have a social group where we go out to dinner and have a long slow one where we laugh and joke and talk about real things in life. I want a group that goes to movies, barbecues, disc golf, and a group that makes(like my old group of friends did) summer a memorable experience. I always say the best experience I've had since I've moved to Oregon was that I was walking to a football game and this little kid was saying “Go ducks” and I would SCREAM “GO DUCKS!!!!” We went back and forth like that for about 5 minutes while I was walking through campus. I don't know if it's sad that a little 5 year old kid made me have the happiest time I've had here. I met a very down to earth and sweet girl named Halorie who I figured out has a boyfriend(which is ultimately for me a lot better because I love having female friends with no sexual or emotional tension). I hope I can become good friends with her. She likes the nerdy and techy qualities in me versus my class thinking I'm a computer and programming nerd/junkie.
I'm still feeling quite lonely and out of place here. I want a girlfriend not to fix my life and make me happy like most people, but I want someone who can accentuate my life, not to fill a void. I wonder why people get into relationships; if they do it for normalcy, comfort of not being alone, if they have a true friendship and relationship, and overall if it is superficial or very real. I know with my girlfriends that I've had in the past I always want to make my girl laugh. We have serious conversations and I don't mind- and actually prefer- if my girl gets emotional around me because it shows they put a vote in confidence in me which I greatly appreciate. I like to show my girlfriend the fun and energetic side of life while also developing a deep and close emotional bond. I know how I treat a girl, with respect, appreciation, validation, caring, and(eventually) love. I don't see most people in relationships displaying that. They seem to just enjoy company, superficial activities, and not the way I would view a relationship. Hell when I have my emotional one night stands with people I give them more closure and inner peace than their previous boyfriends combined. And I ask them why you aren't treated like this; I barely even know you and you had a better night with me than with your boyfriend. They can't answer and can't describe me(which makes me feel unvalidated, not connected, and lonely). But I treat people like this(and especially women) just because it is the right, real, and honest thing to do. And I don't know if most people my age or a generation above me do this with their friends and partners. Maybe one day I'll find that group of friends and a girl to validate and appreciate what I have to offer.
I' bought a PANDA hat
today that says panda in Chinese on the back!!!! Ahhhhh so excited! While I was walking to get my Panda hat they were selling beanie babies and they had a panda one for $1! OF COURSE I got it!
I signed on with a talent agent and it's at a hangup because the recording studio is under some(so they say) major renovations. BUT once that is done and I pay $60 for 4 hours(2 hours coaching 2 hours studio recording) and pay for a headshot/bodyshot I can put my profile up on the site. I thought it would cost $300+ to get this career started and it's actually super cheap! I want to get new tattoos it's been a whole year since I've gotten one and I was going to get one back in September but I got fired from my job because my manager HATED me(everyone loved me and said was the best one they had; but my manager was a total bitch).
I haven't been able to exercise because I've got so much school work and portfolio work. I can still get hernias from my gallbladder recovery so it'll take another 6-8 weeks to get remotely started with lifting again.
All in all I'm pretty busy, lonely, searching for purpose in life, and a lot of introspective thinking and behaviors. But I'm keeping my head up and my spirits high so I'm not letting all this shit weigh me down. I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying life!
Take care SG!
~Panda
I feel like it's been forever since I've last updated. My classes are going well. I love my teachers. On a great note object oriented programming finally clicked in my head!!!
I've been experimenting with Maya and 3DS Max 3D software and I've tried Maya and I feel it isn't for me. 3DS Max seems more my style and I've downloaded some really good tutorials. The hotkeys are different but I have a 14 button gaming mouse that I've mapped it out. I'm learning Unity 3D gaming engine and I haven't even started it because I need to learn a 3D modeling software. It is a huge undertaking but I need to do it for my portfolio. I looked at other people's portfolios and my seems way more advanced. But knowing the direction of the future 3D is the way to go. I'm excited to learn Unity because it has a lot to do with programming which is my strong suite. I know 3 pieces to work on but I need to complete a project first. Ugh
I like my classes except for my anthropology(sexuality and culture)- it's a bunch of freshman and sophomores who laugh at the words penis, vagina, and sexy underwear. the teacher is awkwardly docile and has no confidence-he's like a skiddish deer. And now i hate my teacher because she is SOOOOO ROOTED that EVERYTHING is sexual, anywhere from child pageants to close female/male friends to any possible aspect of the human dynamic! I said to here: "I think we have predisposition to sexuality because we are looking for it. We are clouded from objectivity because we already have a preemptive thought on what to look for" and she said "Let me show you something..." FUCKING BITCH IS SO CLOSE MINDED!!! it's either her way or fuck you you're obviously wrong and aren't grasping the "obvious" material
She's so close minded it reminds me of people who don't think global warming or the holocaust exist!!! Ugh sooo retarded.I HATE HATE HATE Quartz Composer!!!!
It is so basic that is more tedious than user friendly. It is a GUI programming and is fucking retarded. I need to learn Pencil 2D animation for this project and I already know the basic of animation because I learned Flash back in the day. It shouldn't be too hard but it will definitely be time consuming. Once I get that done I can focus on 3ds max. 10 week quarters are a brutal time crunch for projects. I'm really excited for Digital Arts and I think it will be a great career in the future.On a negative note(once again) I don't like my group of friends. They are the embodiment of the college scene and just get fucked up. I HATE drugs and that's all they do. They are not only smoking weed but experimenting with cocaine, acid, and other harder drugs. I grew out of that shit when I was 17. I'm over 4 ½ years sober and it makes me very angry that I'm back in that environment. I met a good guy in the group named Tom who feels similar to my complaints. He is definitely more mature than most in the group. This group's recreation and socializing is to get fucked up. Like I said I want adult relationships with true friendships and not just acquaintances. I want to have a social group where we go out to dinner and have a long slow one where we laugh and joke and talk about real things in life. I want a group that goes to movies, barbecues, disc golf, and a group that makes(like my old group of friends did) summer a memorable experience. I always say the best experience I've had since I've moved to Oregon was that I was walking to a football game and this little kid was saying “Go ducks” and I would SCREAM “GO DUCKS!!!!” We went back and forth like that for about 5 minutes while I was walking through campus. I don't know if it's sad that a little 5 year old kid made me have the happiest time I've had here. I met a very down to earth and sweet girl named Halorie who I figured out has a boyfriend(which is ultimately for me a lot better because I love having female friends with no sexual or emotional tension). I hope I can become good friends with her. She likes the nerdy and techy qualities in me versus my class thinking I'm a computer and programming nerd/junkie.
I'm still feeling quite lonely and out of place here. I want a girlfriend not to fix my life and make me happy like most people, but I want someone who can accentuate my life, not to fill a void. I wonder why people get into relationships; if they do it for normalcy, comfort of not being alone, if they have a true friendship and relationship, and overall if it is superficial or very real. I know with my girlfriends that I've had in the past I always want to make my girl laugh. We have serious conversations and I don't mind- and actually prefer- if my girl gets emotional around me because it shows they put a vote in confidence in me which I greatly appreciate. I like to show my girlfriend the fun and energetic side of life while also developing a deep and close emotional bond. I know how I treat a girl, with respect, appreciation, validation, caring, and(eventually) love. I don't see most people in relationships displaying that. They seem to just enjoy company, superficial activities, and not the way I would view a relationship. Hell when I have my emotional one night stands with people I give them more closure and inner peace than their previous boyfriends combined. And I ask them why you aren't treated like this; I barely even know you and you had a better night with me than with your boyfriend. They can't answer and can't describe me(which makes me feel unvalidated, not connected, and lonely). But I treat people like this(and especially women) just because it is the right, real, and honest thing to do. And I don't know if most people my age or a generation above me do this with their friends and partners. Maybe one day I'll find that group of friends and a girl to validate and appreciate what I have to offer.
I' bought a PANDA hat
today that says panda in Chinese on the back!!!! Ahhhhh so excited! While I was walking to get my Panda hat they were selling beanie babies and they had a panda one for $1! OF COURSE I got it!I signed on with a talent agent and it's at a hangup because the recording studio is under some(so they say) major renovations. BUT once that is done and I pay $60 for 4 hours(2 hours coaching 2 hours studio recording) and pay for a headshot/bodyshot I can put my profile up on the site. I thought it would cost $300+ to get this career started and it's actually super cheap! I want to get new tattoos it's been a whole year since I've gotten one and I was going to get one back in September but I got fired from my job because my manager HATED me(everyone loved me and said was the best one they had; but my manager was a total bitch).
I haven't been able to exercise because I've got so much school work and portfolio work. I can still get hernias from my gallbladder recovery so it'll take another 6-8 weeks to get remotely started with lifting again.
All in all I'm pretty busy, lonely, searching for purpose in life, and a lot of introspective thinking and behaviors. But I'm keeping my head up and my spirits high so I'm not letting all this shit weigh me down. I hope all of you are doing well and are enjoying life!
Take care SG!
~Panda
I feel lost. I've got a lot of growing up to do, and I feel that this college scene is not the right place. This social scene is all about drinking, drugs, having sex, and is shit I grew out of when I was 17. The concept of adult relationships feels very bleak here. I'm lonely and don't fit in. I know who I am, what I can give, and the type of people I want to surround myself with. But I honestly can't say if I will find that here. I'm going to join the ballroom dancing club which hopefully will bring me around people who I want to associate myself with.
I'm very insecure about myself as much as I don't show it. I hate how much I weigh, how I've always been a loner but just don't fit in, and how I feel “stable” because I miss the mania. I've been manic for so long, that being stable feels very foreign. By pure comparison I feel like shit. But I've been told numerous times that I'm a lot more pleasant to talk to. But when I try to show how much of a caring thoughtful and introspective guy, it involves an “emotional one night stand”. I'm not emotionally attached by that experience but it makes me question what I ultimately want to be as a person. Should I just be a loud energetic guy who people can't handle(but makes me internally happy) or try for the umpteenth time to be the charming caring guy who wants to give people the wisdom I've grown up on? I've learned not to grow attached to people because I'm so used to being rejected or dropped in the future. It is for sure a defense mechanism, but it keeps me safe from getting hurt. But it makes me unfulfilled and alienated from people. I've just grown up with a broken head and heart that I don't want to depend of socializing to define me.
But I’m so lonely this way. I try to reach out but it turns to deaf ears. They just get fucked up and have sex. It's very immature in my mind, and I think the concept of sex is something more than just being physically intimate with someone. It is about trust, vulnerability, emotion, and a deep bond with that person. However I don't know people around here who see it that way. I just feel alienated with my beliefs and values and depressed that it isn't validated. I HATE drugs and drinking as the only socializing in this town. I don't seen anyone who would just want to go to a semi-formal dinner with the group and not have the night end with people drunk.
When I was a kid we'd go to eat, see movies, smoke hookah, go work out, sober activities. And we did this not because we were underage(we could buy booze at anytime), but because we were smarter than to get into that scene. And then college comes around and that's all people want to do. I just wish there were adult relationships and activities, one of sobriety(in the sense of social drinking, not “get fucked up” drinking) and deep caring friendship. I want to date a girl not just to be with someone but to find a life partner.
But I don't have really anything going successful with me- I don't have a job or car or career because I'm still a student. I may make some cash with this voice acting which will go to tattoos because it helps me solidify who my identity is when I get tattoos. Yeah it may be immature to spend money on tattoos versus other things, but if I said I want to buy an xbox or stuff like that it becomes acceptable. Everyone thinks I look at porn because I'm on this site and find it so odd that I don't jack off to these girls. They are family to me even if we don't know each other. This place has helped me grow and establish who I want to be known as. But that identity is not valued here. People don't want that.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that that idea of myself isn't nurtured here. And I feel lonely and limited which makes me question why I even bother. I know the world after college isn't as bleak as I think the situation I am in now is, but I don't know who I can socialize with to start that change and lifestyle. I want to grow and mature in the real world how I've done on SG. I just haven't found that social crew that would enact that change. I really hope this ballroom dancing with bring that social realm that I always say I want. This college scene is full of drunks, sluts, and very shallow and immature people.
With my gallbladder removed I can't get back into working out as hard as I used to, but I'm trying to create a consistent schedule involving school, working out, and fun. I am very happy with structured life, it gives me a sense of identity, awareness, and hope for the future. I plan to bike an hour everyday, hopefully around 10+ miles a day. I can bike around 3 miles /10 minutes. I need to research the bike paths here because they go through parks and along the river and is very scenic. I've got some good music on my ipod to give me a leisure ride instead of hardcore cardio. I'm starting to cook good meals once a week which is a big coping skill for me. My portfolio needs to get done, but I am in the need for structure and finding myself first. My teachers are extremely nice and super helpful an know I am serious about the Digital Arts program.
I really think create a consistent schedule involving good eating habits, working out, school, and leisure will really help me figure out who I am and want to be. This blog is not so much introspective as much as future ambition, and I truly think that's what will bring me change versus lamenting and wallowing in my emotional and mental anguish and depression. I think taking charge in my life in myself first and foremost will set the stage for future and change. I think casual relationships in class will be a start versus trying to establish my social identity with them.
Thanks SG for helping me clear my head and give me ambition to change. It really means a lot that I can examine myself to an audience that gives me support versus people brushing it off or commenting once. It gives me accountability also not only for myself, but who I want to be known as.
Thanks again, you are all family to me.
~Panda
I'm very insecure about myself as much as I don't show it. I hate how much I weigh, how I've always been a loner but just don't fit in, and how I feel “stable” because I miss the mania. I've been manic for so long, that being stable feels very foreign. By pure comparison I feel like shit. But I've been told numerous times that I'm a lot more pleasant to talk to. But when I try to show how much of a caring thoughtful and introspective guy, it involves an “emotional one night stand”. I'm not emotionally attached by that experience but it makes me question what I ultimately want to be as a person. Should I just be a loud energetic guy who people can't handle(but makes me internally happy) or try for the umpteenth time to be the charming caring guy who wants to give people the wisdom I've grown up on? I've learned not to grow attached to people because I'm so used to being rejected or dropped in the future. It is for sure a defense mechanism, but it keeps me safe from getting hurt. But it makes me unfulfilled and alienated from people. I've just grown up with a broken head and heart that I don't want to depend of socializing to define me.
But I’m so lonely this way. I try to reach out but it turns to deaf ears. They just get fucked up and have sex. It's very immature in my mind, and I think the concept of sex is something more than just being physically intimate with someone. It is about trust, vulnerability, emotion, and a deep bond with that person. However I don't know people around here who see it that way. I just feel alienated with my beliefs and values and depressed that it isn't validated. I HATE drugs and drinking as the only socializing in this town. I don't seen anyone who would just want to go to a semi-formal dinner with the group and not have the night end with people drunk.
When I was a kid we'd go to eat, see movies, smoke hookah, go work out, sober activities. And we did this not because we were underage(we could buy booze at anytime), but because we were smarter than to get into that scene. And then college comes around and that's all people want to do. I just wish there were adult relationships and activities, one of sobriety(in the sense of social drinking, not “get fucked up” drinking) and deep caring friendship. I want to date a girl not just to be with someone but to find a life partner.
But I don't have really anything going successful with me- I don't have a job or car or career because I'm still a student. I may make some cash with this voice acting which will go to tattoos because it helps me solidify who my identity is when I get tattoos. Yeah it may be immature to spend money on tattoos versus other things, but if I said I want to buy an xbox or stuff like that it becomes acceptable. Everyone thinks I look at porn because I'm on this site and find it so odd that I don't jack off to these girls. They are family to me even if we don't know each other. This place has helped me grow and establish who I want to be known as. But that identity is not valued here. People don't want that.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that that idea of myself isn't nurtured here. And I feel lonely and limited which makes me question why I even bother. I know the world after college isn't as bleak as I think the situation I am in now is, but I don't know who I can socialize with to start that change and lifestyle. I want to grow and mature in the real world how I've done on SG. I just haven't found that social crew that would enact that change. I really hope this ballroom dancing with bring that social realm that I always say I want. This college scene is full of drunks, sluts, and very shallow and immature people.
With my gallbladder removed I can't get back into working out as hard as I used to, but I'm trying to create a consistent schedule involving school, working out, and fun. I am very happy with structured life, it gives me a sense of identity, awareness, and hope for the future. I plan to bike an hour everyday, hopefully around 10+ miles a day. I can bike around 3 miles /10 minutes. I need to research the bike paths here because they go through parks and along the river and is very scenic. I've got some good music on my ipod to give me a leisure ride instead of hardcore cardio. I'm starting to cook good meals once a week which is a big coping skill for me. My portfolio needs to get done, but I am in the need for structure and finding myself first. My teachers are extremely nice and super helpful an know I am serious about the Digital Arts program.
I really think create a consistent schedule involving good eating habits, working out, school, and leisure will really help me figure out who I am and want to be. This blog is not so much introspective as much as future ambition, and I truly think that's what will bring me change versus lamenting and wallowing in my emotional and mental anguish and depression. I think taking charge in my life in myself first and foremost will set the stage for future and change. I think casual relationships in class will be a start versus trying to establish my social identity with them.
Thanks SG for helping me clear my head and give me ambition to change. It really means a lot that I can examine myself to an audience that gives me support versus people brushing it off or commenting once. It gives me accountability also not only for myself, but who I want to be known as.
Thanks again, you are all family to me.
~Panda
