Being a very emotional person, I don't feel right when I don't respond the way that is perceived as normal. I'm supposed to be sad when someone close to me dies. I'm just not so good at these sorts of things..
My coworker passed away. She was only a few years older than me and left a beautiful, sweet 3 year old girl behind. I think all the regular things I should be wondering about. Her daughter, her other immediate family; I think of how long her daughter begged her mother to wake up. I wonder who did this to such a wonderful person. She had flaws like anyone else, but she was such a great friend, a loving mother, and a great coworker. Her baby's father wasn't present in her or his daughters lives, her mother in prison and father long gone, she had so much to push her down, but whenever I would talk to her she never had a bad thing to say. "Well, girl, y'know things could always be betta, but I got my little apartment and me and Serenity are gonna go swimmin' and ooh, I'm just so happy!" I hear it in her southern twang and it makes me know sadness. Not FEEL sadness, like I should, just know it, because I know that is how I should feel. Everyone at work is so somber, some break down in work areas. I stand straight-faced as to not upset people with my willingness to smile and laugh in such a time. On one hand I feel it IS a time to be happy. We celebrate her life by remembering fondly and by living our lives with more meaning, seeing how easily it can be taken. However, it is ingrained into the psyche to feel the sadness first. To grieve the loss we have suffered, because it isn't fair to have someone so young and with a young life in tow to leave us in such a way. "Girl, don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" She would say to me all the time, when I'd offer to drive her somewhere or help out with Serenity. The first time I saw her with her daughter, it warmed my heart so much to see someone with so much stress in their life to be so patient and kind. So warm and genuinely sweet. I wish I had her patience and her strength. Even now as I write this, I looked up to see my kitten rolling around cutely and I couldn't help, but giggle and laugh. Part of me feels that this is wrong and that I shouldn't be able to laugh at such a time in my life. I should be angry at the monster that did this, but I am not.
I've always prided myself on being hard to anger, until I got to a point in my life where I was always angry and angry at everyone and everything. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling out of control. I feel that I'm always angry now, I just have a very good lock on it. And in turn, I do always feel sad and guilty and alone, the ways one feels when they lose a person they love. I have locks to keep these things out of my way for the moment, but unlocking these feelings is a very destabilizing action. Because now when I am forced to feel one or some of these things, I nearly fall apart. I crumble into something so dark and scared and hopeless and shameful that I can't bear to come close to this wall that holds down my chaos.
I want to empathize with people and let them know they are alone in feeling the way they do, to let them know that I loved her too and to show that I have feelings. I want to show her that I loved her, but then I see my self as I was, hysterical(to say the least) trying to help my bawling friends or family. And I realize I was never any aid then, or I never felt so. So, this time I need to be strong, like Elisa. For my friends, for Elisa, and for myself. To not unlock my chaos and to learn to be strong and because this is what my heart feels is right.
Elisa, you will be missed, Love. Rest in peace. I will pray for your Serenity to be safe and happy. I love you. Because of you, I will better enjoy the little things because they are the greatest joys in life. I will see you in another life, sister. <3
My coworker passed away. She was only a few years older than me and left a beautiful, sweet 3 year old girl behind. I think all the regular things I should be wondering about. Her daughter, her other immediate family; I think of how long her daughter begged her mother to wake up. I wonder who did this to such a wonderful person. She had flaws like anyone else, but she was such a great friend, a loving mother, and a great coworker. Her baby's father wasn't present in her or his daughters lives, her mother in prison and father long gone, she had so much to push her down, but whenever I would talk to her she never had a bad thing to say. "Well, girl, y'know things could always be betta, but I got my little apartment and me and Serenity are gonna go swimmin' and ooh, I'm just so happy!" I hear it in her southern twang and it makes me know sadness. Not FEEL sadness, like I should, just know it, because I know that is how I should feel. Everyone at work is so somber, some break down in work areas. I stand straight-faced as to not upset people with my willingness to smile and laugh in such a time. On one hand I feel it IS a time to be happy. We celebrate her life by remembering fondly and by living our lives with more meaning, seeing how easily it can be taken. However, it is ingrained into the psyche to feel the sadness first. To grieve the loss we have suffered, because it isn't fair to have someone so young and with a young life in tow to leave us in such a way. "Girl, don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" She would say to me all the time, when I'd offer to drive her somewhere or help out with Serenity. The first time I saw her with her daughter, it warmed my heart so much to see someone with so much stress in their life to be so patient and kind. So warm and genuinely sweet. I wish I had her patience and her strength. Even now as I write this, I looked up to see my kitten rolling around cutely and I couldn't help, but giggle and laugh. Part of me feels that this is wrong and that I shouldn't be able to laugh at such a time in my life. I should be angry at the monster that did this, but I am not.
I've always prided myself on being hard to anger, until I got to a point in my life where I was always angry and angry at everyone and everything. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling out of control. I feel that I'm always angry now, I just have a very good lock on it. And in turn, I do always feel sad and guilty and alone, the ways one feels when they lose a person they love. I have locks to keep these things out of my way for the moment, but unlocking these feelings is a very destabilizing action. Because now when I am forced to feel one or some of these things, I nearly fall apart. I crumble into something so dark and scared and hopeless and shameful that I can't bear to come close to this wall that holds down my chaos.
I want to empathize with people and let them know they are alone in feeling the way they do, to let them know that I loved her too and to show that I have feelings. I want to show her that I loved her, but then I see my self as I was, hysterical(to say the least) trying to help my bawling friends or family. And I realize I was never any aid then, or I never felt so. So, this time I need to be strong, like Elisa. For my friends, for Elisa, and for myself. To not unlock my chaos and to learn to be strong and because this is what my heart feels is right.
Elisa, you will be missed, Love. Rest in peace. I will pray for your Serenity to be safe and happy. I love you. Because of you, I will better enjoy the little things because they are the greatest joys in life. I will see you in another life, sister. <3