Peace out,
LeeH

Please please please
No more maladies
I'm so tired of crying
You'd think I was a siren
But me and everybody's on the sad same team
And you can hear our sad brains screaming

Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady
Steady going nowhere

Fiona Apples' new Cd sounds (to me) like a person that is used to being the "sullen girl" but doesn’t want to be that anymore. She’s grown and wants to move on. She just wants to be happy.


I don't want to be sad anymore.


I don't think I ever will again

On Nov. 13th I'll be leaving SG. (for real this time.) You know where I am.

Be Good.

p.s. "il Brutto" is Italian just in case you ever wondered.

I've been waiting 2 weeks for someone to comment on my last journal. I've been waiting a year for Wendy's set. Both came true last night. Lucky me.

#111719


4/21/05
How are you holding up? I miss you. We all do. Derrick, Lee and Crosse are always asking about you. It's just not the same without you here. Little Kevin is growing up so fast. I wish you could see him. He's so smart, just like his dad. He loves music too. He knows all the words to the songs on the radio. He's always asking about you. I can't put anything past him.
Remember Justin from King Street? Well he just got a deal with Bad Boy Records. He bought his mother a new house. Her other son Marvin got killed a couple months back. You know how it is around here. Nothing is ever all good.
Jamar wants to go to college so Crosse has been helping him out in school. He's working on an academic scholarship. You know he was nice at ball but he could never compare to big brother. I remember coming to your games. On that court, you were like a bird let out of its cage. I wish things could have been different for you, for us. I have to get to work so I'll write you later. I love you.
Mary

5/29/05
Kevin and I just went to take pictures. I'll get you some in about a week when I pick them up.
I was offered a job in Atlanta with a printing agency. I know it's far away but Crosse thinks it might be good for me to get away from here. I can't stand it here anymore, especially without you. Everything reminds me of you. Thirteen more years is too long. I don't think I can survive without you. It's so empty without you here. I get lonely. Holding on is driving me crazy. Everyday is like the first day I woke up without you. I've been living the same nightmare for a year now. I don't think I can do this anymore. It just hurts too much but I love you and I'll wait as long as I have to. I love you.
Mary

7/1/05
I got your letters. I'm sorry I don't write as often as I used to but when I think of you I can barely make it through the day. That's what makes this so hard to write.
I think it would be best if we stopped writing for a while. I'm not saying we should break the promise but you and I know that this is too hard a thing to continue. I feel like we're in the same place. It's just that I'm on the outside.
Don’t think that this is easy for me to write either. I was afraid of your reaction if I told you in person. You know I don't like coming down there. I can't stand seeing you like that.
I still love you. I hope you understand. I would understand if you didn't though. Please don't be mad at me. I don't know what else to say. I'll let you know if I move to Atlanta. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Mary

8/15/05
I understand you being mad but you have to understand. I can't stay here and mourn the rest of my life. I have to feed Kevin. (Crosse helps me out though.) My world didn't stop when yours did. I know that sounds harsh but I have to start thinking about me and the baby now.
So that promise you made me, I'm not sure we can go through with it. I'll give you the ring back. You can use it for commissary. Please, please don't think this is easy for me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If I could do this without hurting you, you know I would.
This wasn't an overnight decision. I've been thinking about it for a while. I need the work and I need to get out of here. It's the logical decision. I still love you.
Mary

9/10/05
When you left a part of me left too but I think that it's time that I take that piece back. I swear on everything that's holy that I still and always will love you even if you don't believe me. I suppose you don't have any reason to though.
In April of next year, I'll be moving to Atlanta. The reason why I'm not going immediately is that I just found out I was pregnant and I decided not to move until I had the baby. (Yes, it's Crosses'. I'm sorry.) I trust you won't want to continue our discussions after you read this. I never wanted it to end like this but I suppose it will anyway. Let me know if I can do anything for you. I hope this isn't goodbye. I know it is but I still love you.
Mary

9/15/05
When I couldn't count on anything, I could count on you. When everything hurt, you were my only comfort. When no one believed me, you did. When my world crumbled, you were the only thing left standing. You brought me life. I know it was unintentional. You never meant to hurt me. I know I asked a lot of you. Maybe I leaned on you too much. Now that you are no longer here to bring me life, I have no choice but to accept death. I ask you to give me one good reason not to and you'll probably say "Kevin." But I was, and can never be, a good father to him here. I have no family and I think it's safe to say that I have no true friends. So you tell me what you can do for me besides kiss my son and tell him I'm sorry. I loved you. Goodbye.
Kevin.

One year ago today (Pacific Time) I met a person and fell in love with her. But alas I can't have her even thought I want to be hers. So she is now and will forever be my mistress:

Happy Anniversary.

My wife and kid:

O Labor Day, O labor day
No classes meet next Monday
O Labor Day, O labor day
No Classes meet next Monday
Why do you ask, it seems so clear...
It’s still the same as just last year
O Labor Day, O labor day
No classes meet next Monday

O Labor Day, O labor day
Your shinning grills delight us
O Labor Day, O labor day
Your shinning grills delight us
We’ll grill some some steak, some chicken too;
A righteous, kick ass barbecue!
O Labor Day, O labor day
Your shinning grills delight us.

O Labor Day, O labor day
Thou turning point of fashion
O Labor Day, O labor day
Thou turning point of fashion
Fall color on out clothing bright,
And after you we’ll wear no white.
O Labor Day, O labor day
Thou turing point of fashion

O Labor Day, O labor day
Our time of relaxation.
O Labor Day, O labor day
Our time of relaxation
How we’ll enjoy time off from work
Because our boss is such a jerk
O Labor Day, O labor day
Our day of relaxation.

I know it's a week late but I've been busy. Anyway this song was written by my roommate with a little help from me. He actualy wrote four part harmony for this song. It's to the tune of "O Christmas tree." (that was my idea. The last verse too.)

How have you been.

if i smile that's entertainment
and if i frown don't say a word
cause it's just my way and i'm not changing


Long ago I was brought into
This life a little lamb
A little lamb
Courageous, stumblin
Fearless was my middle name.
But somewhere there I
Lost my step
Everyone walks the same
Expecting me to step
The narrow path they've laid
They claim to
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love me or leaave me
High.

Say "keep within the boundaries if you want
To play."
Say "contradiction only makes it harder."
How can I be
What I want to be?
When all I want to do is strip away
These stilled constraints
And crush this charade
Shred this sad masquerade
I don't need no persuading
I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love me or leave me
High.

If I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go
I just want to hold my head up high
I don't care what I have to step over
I'm prepared to look you in the eye
Look me in the eye
And if you see familiarity
Then celebrate the contradiction
Help me when I fall to
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love me or leave me
High.


Sensing that this is a dark day
I remember when the sun came again
No need to fight the world myself
I have victory built into history

Cause I have seen better days
There will be better days

This is a shadow of life lying fallow
Despairing can’t find its place here

Take a token from the past
And you see that nothing lasts
Things keep moving on
And you ask me
Where is home?
Well the clouds have fallen ill
And if yet more rain is spilled
Well I forgive them

Wash your fears in purest hope
It keeps you cleaner than can soap
Just remember that the dirt comes from within your living skin
It’s made of everything you eat
Keeps you standing on your feet
There’s a price to pay
But don’t dismay
You’ll live

Because I have seen better days
There will be better days

Fearing silence you just might
Find yourself awake at night
Imagining the things that could go wrong before too long
Let the panic slip away
Don’t hold too tightly to this day
Don’t crush its life out and you’re sure to find the cure
(usually when the lead singer of a band is the son/ daughter of a rock star,in this cast Sting, the result is usually but this a really good album. There are so many songs I could have posted. I like this song because it stands out from the rest. Most of there songs are rather sad.)

So now I concentrate on turning wrong to right
I'm going to let go things I held inside so tight
I'm going to live and let forgive things said in spite
Clear out the smoke and usher in the light
(the first picture is the singer of the song. The second is the writer of the song.)
[Chorus]


Listen, there's nothing like knowin' yourself
Like the way I know that smokin's kind of broken my health
Like the way I know my flow don't make appropriate wealth
I can't change that
But funny I'm sayin' that when it's money I'm aimed at
I give a fuck if you frame that or quote it (shit)
I meant what I said cuz I wrote it, point noted
I know I'm overly sensitive when it comes to, well
Just about everything
And I'm so hardheaded, I don't need your help
Like no advice for these records 'less it's me, myself
Like I don't ever want to breathe if it requires assistance
Just, just shut down my system
I'm a victim of choosin' bad love, bad luck Lucy
Every man touched seems to be a doozy and plus
I'm attached to this looseleaf, stand on my two feet
So it's hard enough to even have to physically move me
Go ahead, try


Sixteen military wives
Thirty-two softly focused brightly colored eyes
Staring at the natural tan
of thirty-two gently clenching wrinkled little hands
Seventeen company men
Out of which only twelve will make it back again
Sergeant sends a letter to five
Military wives, whose tears drip down through ten little eyes

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da

Fifteen celebrity minds
Leading their fifteen sordid wretched checkered lives
Will they find the solution in time
Using their fifteen pristine moderate liberal minds?

Eighteen academy chairs
Out of which only seven really even care
Doling out the garland to five
Celebrity minds, they're humbly taken by surprise

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da de-dadedade-da
La de da de da de-dadedade-da

Fourteen cannibal kings
Wondering blindly what the dinner bell will bring
Fifteen celebrity minds
Served on a leafy bed is sixteen military wives

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da de-dadedade-da
La de da de da de-dadedade-da

I was too busy to even cancel my subscription. So you'll have to deal with me for 3 more months. I even e-mailed them to see if I could get a refund but no go. So to the 9 of you that noticed, thanks.

I was suppose to have a wonderful weekend but life put the kibosh on my plans. I took the weekend off. All I did was stay home. I called everyone that called me when I didn’t feel like going out (which is all the time.) and everyone stood me up. Not really stood me up just backed out. So I stayed home and got sleep. More often than not I sleep in 3-5 hour increments. This is because I love money and art equally. All I want to be is an artist but I refuse to do the “starving” bit. At least not again. Weekend off are the best. I didn’t know what I was missing. I mean I actually got sleep. I work seven days a week for incredibly lame pay. I awoke after the sun came up. I haven't done that on at least a month.

So Fiona Apples latest album is suppose to come out in the fall. I just discovered she (by she I mean “her people”) had a myspace account. She has all these messages from girls telling her how excited they are about the new album and how her first two albums where the soundtracks to their lives. I imagine it’s overwhelming to touch that many people so deeply to the point that they salivate at the thought of your art and cherish it for years. It’s almost been 9 years since Tidal. The new album is produced by mike elizondo Who has worked and been most successful at West Coast Gangster Rap (or whatever you want ot call it.) I’m talking Dre (and everyone under him: Em, Snoop, 50 Cent) , Xzibit, Nate Dogg but I don’t think the sound will change mush. He’s a professional. Besides Her old producer, Jon Brion, is working on Kanye West new album. And I sound like a really big music nerd.

I just want to say the west coast SG’s are WAY hotter than east coast SG’s.

The use of H as Christ middle initials is of uncertain origin. Mark Twain, in his autobiography, shares a boyhood anecdote about a prankish young printers apprentice yanking the chain of a cranky Bible Belt preacher by sneaking “Jesus H. Christ” onto the galleys of a sermon. If the story is true (and it probably isn’t since Mark Twain is notoriously full of shit.) this would date the first usage at 1850 or so. Why H? Michael Quinion, editor of worldwidewords.org, says it may be “the result of a muddle between Greek and Roman letters. In Greek, the monogram for Jesus is ‘IHS,’ or ‘IHC,’ which of the first three letters of his name (iota, eta, and sigma; in the second instance, the C is a Byzantine Greek form of stigma). The H is actually the capital letter form of the Greek eta, but churchgoers who knew no Greek assumed it was a Roman H. It looks as though ‘IHC’ was taken to be Christ initials.” So... there you go. (claps hands, shows you his palms and steps away from the table.)

“Anyday now hows about getting out of this place anyways got a lot of spare time some of my youth and all of my sences on overdrive.”