Chronicles of an Angry Man. (Envy Edition)
Didn't get a lot of sleep last night for reasons that will become apparent as this rant escalates. We'll start in true Hollywood style with a flash back, back in late August last year I moved from one flat to another. A wise move being as the flat I moved from was as water proof as some sort of shanty you might find in a Brazilian slum and when ever there was rain (of which we seem to get an abundance of in Coventry) the road to the front door took on the appearance of one of the great lakes. Bad enough to warrant me buying a pair of water proof boots, so the move to a ground floor flat which belonged to one careful owner in an area with efficient drainage seemed ideal.
Shortly after moving in I discovered much to my annoyance that the gentleman in the flat directly above me was learning to play the drums. The small mercy was being as I worked 4 nights a week I only had to hear it on my nights off, not ideal but bearable. Well much to my delight he moved out recently so the drumming has obviously stopped, Result! It now seems that my celebrations some what short lived and a little premature, for my drumming friend has been replaced by a couple that have the noisiest sex I have ever heard, and I've lived in a house share where house mates have been rutting like beavers in the room next to mine. Now being as I work late at night I find it difficult to go to sleep at a reasonable hour any way, but to be woken up (that's right kids, they're loud enough to wake me, Me who has fallen asleep during an Iron Maiden gig) after only being asleep for an hour and a half by a couple that I can only assume are in practice for some sort of porn Olympics has pissed me off some what. I could actually hear the slapping of skin as they bumped ugly's at such a furious pace and duration that I can say with some degree of confidence that he doesn't suffer from asthma, that's how fucking loud they were. At one point I even considered moving to the sofa in the living room, not just because of the noise but for safety reasons as well cuz if he pounded any harder I'm fairly sure they would end up coming through the ceiling (from what I can tell they were doing enough cumming already (wokka wokka wokka)).
Hopefully this isn't going to be a regular occurrence as my options are limited to,
a) Split them up some how. Problem being if its his flat then after a short time she maybe replaced and i'm back to square one.
b) Kill them. Obviously the issue there is prison, where I think I might be a little too popular. So not a great option.
c) Join a monastery. Friar Hobbs? I think we have a winner.
Oh, or ear plugs.
On a lighter note the budding porn stars have got better rhythm than the drummer which is of some consolation I guess.
Didn't get a lot of sleep last night for reasons that will become apparent as this rant escalates. We'll start in true Hollywood style with a flash back, back in late August last year I moved from one flat to another. A wise move being as the flat I moved from was as water proof as some sort of shanty you might find in a Brazilian slum and when ever there was rain (of which we seem to get an abundance of in Coventry) the road to the front door took on the appearance of one of the great lakes. Bad enough to warrant me buying a pair of water proof boots, so the move to a ground floor flat which belonged to one careful owner in an area with efficient drainage seemed ideal.
Shortly after moving in I discovered much to my annoyance that the gentleman in the flat directly above me was learning to play the drums. The small mercy was being as I worked 4 nights a week I only had to hear it on my nights off, not ideal but bearable. Well much to my delight he moved out recently so the drumming has obviously stopped, Result! It now seems that my celebrations some what short lived and a little premature, for my drumming friend has been replaced by a couple that have the noisiest sex I have ever heard, and I've lived in a house share where house mates have been rutting like beavers in the room next to mine. Now being as I work late at night I find it difficult to go to sleep at a reasonable hour any way, but to be woken up (that's right kids, they're loud enough to wake me, Me who has fallen asleep during an Iron Maiden gig) after only being asleep for an hour and a half by a couple that I can only assume are in practice for some sort of porn Olympics has pissed me off some what. I could actually hear the slapping of skin as they bumped ugly's at such a furious pace and duration that I can say with some degree of confidence that he doesn't suffer from asthma, that's how fucking loud they were. At one point I even considered moving to the sofa in the living room, not just because of the noise but for safety reasons as well cuz if he pounded any harder I'm fairly sure they would end up coming through the ceiling (from what I can tell they were doing enough cumming already (wokka wokka wokka)).
Hopefully this isn't going to be a regular occurrence as my options are limited to,
a) Split them up some how. Problem being if its his flat then after a short time she maybe replaced and i'm back to square one.
b) Kill them. Obviously the issue there is prison, where I think I might be a little too popular. So not a great option.
c) Join a monastery. Friar Hobbs? I think we have a winner.
Oh, or ear plugs.
On a lighter note the budding porn stars have got better rhythm than the drummer which is of some consolation I guess.
I've had similar situations, mate. We all love sex, but having to listen to other people do it while trying to nod off is NOT fun.