tried to save myself
------------------------but myself keeps slipping away


yea....
...........true that

i can't begin to explain the exact situation i find myself in

i've become complacent with the fact that i'm nothing

i live at home
__________i'm okay with it
i work a dead end shit of a job
------------------------------------its all hunky dory
my friends have turned their backs on me
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++no big deal
i sit here - in my room - every night - save once each week - alone

oh - there's an option that for some reason i keep ignoring
maybe because its a stupid silly idea - that i'll eventually fuck up - like everything else
cause more pain than its all worth
but then again - i'm not really ignoring it

i'm working every night
or afternoon
and every other night - i spend doing something i suppose

i mean - last weekend - with my night off
i went downtown for my cousin's birthday
friday i went to see nine inch nails - granted by myself
and this upcoming weekend is all family again
another cousin's wedding

so
i can't call it ignoring
but then again - i'm making no effort
i feel bad
i do
but sometimes things are better left alone
regroup - reassess

life is almost not worth the effort i put in on a daily basis if this is where i'm at

its sad to think about

the little things i used to insert to enjoy the daily grind
are all i have
there's nothing else
rather than being able to take the 30 - 60 minutes a day to relax
i look around and its all i have
those little things

tv
film
xbox
music

that's it
i no longer have friends that'll call to check in
to say - where the fuck are you
what the fuck are you doing
to assume i'm getting together with anyone is ridiculous
stupid
tawdry

i've gone through time periods like this before
it seems to happen every few years
you can sense it coming on
you're old friends get tired of you - start to see through you
see how tiring you are
that its not worth the effort
i'd have to say i'm unfortunately a very forgiving person
so forgiving i'd almost say i'd welcome them back without even a thought contrary
however
most of me thinks that if a friend turns their back on you
that's it
its not like oh - hey - i'm busy as fuck - we'll catch up every so often
no
no more phone calls
no more anything
i could use excuses
but there aren't any
when i call to see what you're up to - or we chat at some point to say - call me when you're done with work
and you hang up on me when i call

i went through this before
i cultivated some great relationships
granted i had to give them up when i moved
but still
i can't hold anything constant if my life depended on it

deconstruction should be my middle name
no wonder everything around me falls apart or breaks
i need warranties on everything because nothing around me lasts
it all dries up, breaks, withers away
its all shit around me

its frustrating when i let things get this bad
through complacency
through - the wait and see method
that my paycheck is the only thing i look forward to - i plan my life around every other friday
how i have to save the next friday
or how i can go out on that one

its frustrating when your life revolves around using your family for friendships
for crutches
for - hey - are you out?
can i come with you?
its like being a younger brother without a friend
its sad
its pathetic

it can get awkward

you can get in the way

i walked twice through the city because i had no other option
i left bars each of the last two times because it was time for me to leave before i made an ass of myself or made things uncomfortable
i know myself
i know if i stay too long
its no good
i come off like a dueche when exposed for too long of a period
.....................................................................................................i think i should just stop talking all together
i wouldn't sound like an asshole all the time then

its tough to balance the demons in my head with the things that go on around me

i'm really not the nicest of people
i'm not really cool
i'm not interesting
there's a reason i'm alone

although - when left to my own devices i do have odd things happen
if i'm surrounded by people - i dunno
i don't get to go on adventures
i'm held back
when i have to go out on my own
i end up with some story
always finding my way back to some diner before heading to where ever my bed may rest

take last week
i took a walk from the bar
why?
it was that time for me
i noticed it was time to bounce - and so i did
whether i really needed to or not
i felt it was time
i can't pick someone up at a bar
especially shit faced
i think it may be due to the fact that i'm intimidated by women
they can smell my fear and less than zero qualities on me
they want to run from my desperation
my sad sap routine
my bad habits
my bad karma
my shitty whining -self-pitying attitude
so at about 1
i felt it was time to leave my cousins - surrounded by friends
and take my leave
it was time
i didn't need to get in anyone's way
bother them
only issue was i had no more cash on me
spent way to fucking much at the bar
and well - i needed to conserve what i had left - especially if i was going to find my way to a diner before heading home
yes - i had to drive - but sobering up over 4 hours makes a difference
so i decided to take the ole heal toe express
i walked
i huffed it
5 miles through downtown chicago
i walked my way to lasalle (block or two from michigan) and an african-american - possibly homeless - probably not - from the chat we had - probably just out walking trying to scrape together a couple bucks to buy a six or dinner - or whatever
but he came up to me
almost out of nowhere
i don't necessarily remember when he walked up to me or how he introduced himself - but all of a sudden i found myself walking next to a tall black man
if you would have been there - you might have thought something amiss
something not so good was about to come
you wouldn't be alone
hell - the police pulled over to make sure i wasn't getting mugged
the pulled a u-ie
stopped along side the road right in front of us - and shouted at us
shouted out -
hey - you alright?
i looked at both officers with a sideways glance
was i alright?
aside from the fact that i was walking down lasalle at 2 in the morning because i didn't feel comfortable around women - or people that i knew for that matter
there because i can't necessarily function as a human being
or that i might even be an alcoholic

but that wasn't the reason they were there

in that case
of course i'm alright - i'm fine
you sure?
absolutely - have a good night - thank you though - i guess
this however was about halfway down the street

after he introduced himself
put his hand out
i mine - and offered my name as well
he asked why i was out there
walking the street
my answer
in my drunken stooper
"women"
-----------you were expecting something else?
he took this and ran
had a story -
my woman kicked me out - thought i was running around
something to that effect
a mile we had
a mile we used
for a mile - we chatted
at the end of a mile - we parted company
wishing luck to each
.................................he did ask for a dollar though
good conversation does deserve a dollar though

the next homeless man i ran into wasn't as friendly
however - he did say thank you
after grunting that his night was not so good
what do you think, man, i'm homeless
i handed him a dollar and wished him a better night

two streets later - another mile and a half later
i was offered something that not many turn down
when the offer was made i had to hear it a second time
-excuse me?
the best blowjob of your life; i'll give you the best blowjob you've ever had
no really
a woman wandering down the street offered me just that

i mean - i'm not necessarily one to turn down sexual favors
especially coming at such a greatly reduced rate as a meal - roughly $5 i think she said
especially if it was the best i'd ever have

my thoughts began to swirl at this statement
how does one get offered this
but also - how does one go about comparing this to many others
what if the goods weren't good
what if it wasn't the best i'd ever have?
however i immediately answered without even thinking - without even a second thought
as soon as she offered and it computed my answer was automatic
my brain didn't have time to think about it or compute it or let it linger
no - it was automatic
no, no thank you - thank you though
i mean - first of all - how do you turn that down?
i chose the polite path
but is that how you're supposed to?
she asked for some change - and of course gave her what i had left after the last two bucks
but i walked on
i spent the next mile thinking about what just happened
the shock was immense
that doesn't happen every day

after 2-3ish hours i found my way to my car
hopped in - drove around the corner to this great diner - nookies too
had a bite
amazing
huevos con chorizo
best place i'd been to since moving back from portland
everything made from scratch
breakfast lunch and dinner
delicious
then i drove home
to bed
to deal with my headache
my slight hangover
my shitty/notshitty night
to bemoan myself
to realize i may have made an ass of myself - yet again at the bar

i forgot that i fell down
i forget things when i'm drunk
i forget its not very pretty when i'm drunk

i tend to push it out of my mind

my cousin called me crazy

i agreed

////////////it was playful though....
i think

i did go to nine inch nails on friday
it was a bit therapeutic
not entirely
i don't know what works anymore

if nin in a massive pit doesn't help - then maybe i should go with someone next time
or meet up with someone after for a drink
or just coffee and talk about it

i don't meet people for coffee anymore

there's no one who likes to
no one asks me to

i just sit here
left to xbox
hd tv
internet porn
and my thoughts

///////////////////////////great

ahhhhhhhhh

a sigh of relief for money well spent
yes
i'm going to nine inch nails
by myself
for the last possible time - probably for the more-than-foreseeable future
however
the beauty is that a fan sold it to me because he couldn't go
and when i pulled up he said, "hey - i just realized i only paid about $80 for it with fees and taxes. i'm not trying to make money - just can't go."
we chatted a moment
and that was that
i got a little worried when the ticket had his name on it and it had general presale listed
buuuuttttt
as i'm been kinda assured - it won't need an id due to the beautifully terrible greed of livenation and their "affiliates" of as you may more commonly refer to them as "scalpers"

but - if you will so happen to be downtown chicago - for that particular show - i shall be in the pit - enjoying the hell out of one final performance
and i'd be more than happy to thrash out during or have a brew afterward with whomever shall find their way out there on the 29th.

otherwise for now - i'm out of profound things to say for the moment
next purchase will need to be lollapalooza tickets
soon
soon

what i should have said was nothing

i can't win

every time i try - every time i put effort forth - i get shit in the face
obviously i'm doing something wrong
obviously something is wrong with me

i try to be funny sometimes - and well - i just suck

every time i open my mouth
every time i put forth effort
i say or do something that's absolutely offensive
just pure wrong
pure evil
just nothing worth allowing

this is why i work at starbucks

its hard to fail

its hard to be offensive

turn off your mind
stop thinking
do what you're supposed to
don't allow yourself to think
go on auto pilot
smile fakely
be fake
be hollow
being yourself is forbidden

its hard to say something offensive or fail when you turn off
when you do what is expected
when you do what you're told

its hard to do something wrong
you can't offend with please and thank you's

i hate everyone around me

probably because i hate myself

i'm angry all the time
especially lately

granted its one of the few emotions i cling to
but its also a stage a grief

yea - that's a cop-out
but i thought of it after having two days of hate fueled days of work

i got pissed at a co-worker who fell off a horse
fell off a horse
and i got pissed

i make myself sick
honestly i feel like puking

saying the wrong thing sometimes - it just rings over and over in my head
i really can't get it out

its partially why i don't open my mouth in public

i'm honestly quiet - well - sort of

okay i'm a fucking loud mouth

but i don't say anything

i say antiquated lines that are regurgitated to fit context
things that sound right in the right place
things that don't offend
things that are according to the prescribed book and guidelines

this doesn't get you in trouble
this doesn't piss others off
this doesn't make you sick because you're a complete asshole

two people know how bad some of the things i say can get
but there are others that know i'm cold and soulless

see
this is why i have difficulty getting close to anyone
other than my self-loathing
i'm a horrific person

things i say and think are just wrong

what i write here - is nothing
its just me whining
its really not whats in my head
its not what i really am
its self-portrayal - one that looks good

you really should just run away


i just read the statement i've got posted - "what now" is generally the response
its the words i live by
what did i do now?
what do i do now?

granted its initial message meant something entirely different

but what it comes down to is that i'm simply a fuck-up
i'm a waste
i can't be normal
i can't conform
i can't keep from embarrassing myself
i can only fit in by turning off

it might just be best that i retire from being an individual

my friends hate it

i'm opinionated
i'm an asshole
it honestly only pisses people off

i should stop talking

dear god - watching a porn star accepting an award is painful - almost as painful as the last 4 days.

ok - sorry - it was on showtime and i turned on the tv and it was on -
i feel like a bastard for watching it - plus considering everything.
but still - here i sit watching some half assed dance for the avn.

man, since wednesday - its been an ordeal.
its been a lot.

it just happened/happens so quickly.

one day you get called to the hospital because your grandfather collapsed and the next your sitting shivah.
its kind of unreal.
i want to say that i've dealt with it - but i know i haven't
i've been too calm
too unemotional.

i mean - i always said to myself that if/when it happened - a family member passing - i'd probably be emotionally strangled
i can't deal with things publicly
i can't ask people for help
its not that i don't need or that i do - i just can't deal with people helping me
its uncomfortable
its tough to sit there and say thank you for doing this for me
i just can't get it out of my head that most people have other motives than just to be helpful
call it me being ridiculous - call it me being paranoid
call it what you want
but as much as i bitch and moan - and as much as i think about myself
i don't feel comfortable being the center of attention
or people helping me out

let alone making myself vulnerable for public viewing
it was tough for me to cry around my family
its tough for me to be comforted by my family

i just can't do it
its not in me
its not who i am

i grieve alone
with a bottle of something
and music
alone
no one else
well - no one in person

i can't cry in front of friends
i can't cry in front of people
i can barely function emotionally around people

all i know how to do is get angry around people
its the only emotion i have for public viewing other than humor
so - anger and humor - kinda bi-polar if you ask me

some people look at me like a freak
some tell me its okay to ask for help
its not just that i don't want it or can't ask
its that i can't function with someone helping me with something emotional

its really tough for me to even really put this into words - i keep getting up and leaving which is something i never do when i write

i cannot express myself to the fullest effect in public

part of the reason i have so many problems with women i'd say is due to this fact

there are only two real ways i express myself
one being writing
two being with women

what the hell am i trying to even say here?

i started by trying to explain myself over the last 4 days

i guess i feel guilty for not being wrecked with emotion
for sitting here enjoying my night and not sitting shivah correctly
sitting in one place for seven days
not leaving
not listening to music
not concentrating on anything but what's needed

then again - its not exactly the way my family deals with anything

wednesday was impossible to deal with
my grandmother knew exactly what was going on
you could tell she knew everything was inevitable
but she was refusing herself the ability to let herself know
she kept saying over and over "this isn't happening" "this is a dream"
but there was nothing behind her words
it was just - i'm saying this because i don't want to admit it out loud
but then again - she was wrought with emotion
she couldn't collect herself at all
she was hystirical
my aunt - a very strong person - was reduced to blubbering
she kept telling us she was sorry for not controlling herself
for not being able to "be strong"
my father and my uncle
couldn't their eyes dry

thursday my dad and uncle couldn't make it through the whole process of funeral arrangements without losing patience or worrying what my grandfather would have wanted
honestly it wasn't all that bad considering
it was smooth but not without wrought and its tribulations
we had to get my grandmother zanex
we had to deal with each other
we had to eat
i had to deal with work - which was pretty easy
they had taken care of everything
i didn't know what to say
i asked for help getting shifts covered
they took care of everything
so we drank

friday was yesterday
it wasn't easy
i had to get alcohol for my dad and uncle before we even left at noon
temple, cemetery, back
i basically said what i wrote here before - edited a little - took out the fucks and anything negative i might have articulated
i questioned whether to say it or not
however considering that no one else seemed able to say something that seemed enough - i felt justified in saying something that had weight
who knows if it was enough
everyone was a wreck
no one was good
but then seeing a lot of people show is amazing
seeing a temple practically filled with friends and family and anyone that knew him
its humbling
after burying my grandfather we went back to my uncle's house
we raised a few glasses in his honor
ate
took a deep breath
raised another few glasses
celebrated him
reminisced with those we don't get to see often
ate
drank
went home

today i woke up not remembering what day it was
i couldn't for sure tell you if it was a weekday or weekend
luckily it was a weekend
i ran a no turn on red during hours that were posted - provided it wasn't a weekend
luckily it was
i was groggy
running on practically no sleep
- i haven't been sleeping much
we all met for breakfast this morning
at which time my work sent me a text telling me they'd like to donate coffee and pastries for one of the nights we were sitting and which would be best
turns out tonight was best according to my family
they didn't just give coffee
they gave gallons of it
with homemade pastries - not leftovers
and everything you could possibly ask for from a place selling coffee
all as a donation
without asking for it
they told me "anything you want" "anything you need"
tonight was a gathering
it was a little more therapeutic
it was a lot of food
a lot of friends and family
a few drinks
three chicago games - two playoff - all wins
i'm not religious
but there's something to be said about that
my grandfather - a huge fan
we celebrating him today
and we get 3 amazing games - all wins

maybe not a sign - but fortunate
maybe i said enough
maybe we did/do/are honor(ing) him

============================================

this isn't easy.
it isn't fun.
its tough to find the right thing to say let alone get through it all.
its obviously not something you can plan for; you can't wake up one morning and go, "hang on - let me check my schedule... yes, wednesday seems like a great day to deal with this."
life doesn't work that way; life doesn't ask for your permission
never does it enter your mind that you will finish your day saying your last goodbyes.

its a lot.
it breaks everyone down

but it brings everyone together


last night - sitting around listening to stories coming from every direction - three from each person - about his achievements - his follies - his tribulations - his absurdities - his manurisms

i realized its impossible to stay completely sullen - no matter how sad it is - there's just something about poppy that brings out the best in everyone - he just finds a way to bring out the humor.
he just brings a smile to your face.

thing is - i could tell you about how he was nothing more than a common thief - taking in free meals at the watertower every thursday - how he lived everyone's dream of being the underdog and winning against all odds - or how he had nothing but a smile and a kind word for anyone

well... anyone except for the lady with exactly 11 items that pulled out her checkbook taking a half hour in the line clearly marked, "10 items or less"

but see - we all know these things. we've all heard this amazing stories before
these are the stories we're going to keep telling over and over until our sides hurt from laughter later on.

i could talk until i'm blue in the face about poppy's escapades
sadly - they'd be nothing new.

the story i do have to tell is about a man.
a man who made it 81 years.
81 years on love from family and friends
81 years of stories we all have to tell for the rest of our lives
about a man who left shoes i only hope i could fill

if you ask anyone
if you ask me
that's a life well lived
that's a success

to leave behind a legacy of stories, love, and family
to leave with all the love in the world that matters around you

that's more than anyone can hope for.

poppy.
you were
and are
loved

and to all here:
may the best day of your past
be the worst day of your future

slipping away

sometimes its tough to find the exact lyrics
so you find substitutes - ones that can stand in
ones that can fill the void of what you truly want to but can't say

all i could think of was
whatever i could say - he already knew

its tough to find the right words
its also tough to watch your grandfather slip away right in front of you
turn from a mechanical rhythmically breathing being
to a cold nothing

it breaks everyone down
but it brings everyone together

you obviously can't prepare for this
no one sees this shit coming

you wake up in the morning with the mindset of, "hey - i have work"
you might sit there and think "fuck work"
but never does it enter your mind that you will finish your day saying your last goodbyes
looking deep within yourself to find every last essence of what it means to be human
followed by giant bellows and wails, stifled sobs and silent tears

where can you plan that into your work week?
where can you sit there and say, "hey - wednesday is a great day for my grandfather to have a stroke; i'll be able to fit it into my schedule"

life doesn't work like that

life doesn't ask your permission

it just fucking happens - welcome to the world of mortality

you sit there and let everything eat away at everything you have to give
it eats away and lets everything out of you
and just when you think you have the strength to get through it all
it breaks you down

oh - but wait there's always more

you give every last emotion you have and you are drained, spent and shaking

but at the end of all of this there's something i can't shake
something i just can't run away from

no matter how much this hurts -
i just can't turn away from this one thing that keeps gnawing at me

even when your grandmother can't bare to think of him as anything but asleep
when your aunts, uncles, cousins - even your own father - can't bare to look at you with dry eyes
even when you question why - why now - why us - why him
even then
i can't shake the one fact

the fact that within 10 hours - 25 people from all ends of the earth find their way to his bedside
to be there
when it all slowly dims
25 people drop everything
sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews, granddaughters and grandsons
all find their way there
paving your way 83 years
struggling through many of those
to find your way to the end
to get there without pain
around nothing but loved ones

if you ask anyone
if you ask me
that's how i want to go
that's a treat
that's a life well lived
that's a success

if when you get there you are remembered with nothing but love
you are no longer just a man
if you can live on through love
that's what makes you immortal

bernard wax
you were
and are
loved

i love you

jesus is dead.
get over it.


sorry to be blunt in my jewishness - but seriously people - there's an issue that needs addressing - asap.

yes.
easter is an important day to many unlike myself.
however, it means nothing to me.
its a day you go around hunting for chocolate eggs because your savior was crucified (is good friday the day he died - and easter the day he came back? cause if that's the case then at least it makes a little sense).

the only problem i have here - is that when you are wondering around town - realizing that the only thing that is open is starbucks, so i can't even get a lunch break and eat lunch, and you decide that it would be a nice thing to come in to my store and say - hey, let's get a few frappaccino's and we'll all be happy.
in fact - the barista behind the register should be happy too - so, happy easter barista.

what does a jew say to that?
happy sunday?
happy passover?

that just makes me look like the asshole that i am.

but seriously - why is that every one of gentiles that i come across on easter or christmas are all "happy my holiday"?
because you want to know what? now that you've uttered those words - i now am expected to wish you some sort of happy; but guess what?
have a good day is what you'll get.

i understand you are happy.
you want to spread the joy.
but not everyone believes the same religion.
in fact - like myself - i hate religion.
so the mere mention of it makes me cringe.
...so why do you expect me to be happy when you wish me a happy religion day?
happy (insert religious day here) day should only be said in 3 settings:
in and around your house - to family members.
at your religious gathering place.
or at a party/event specifically organized for said holy day.
do we jews say to everyone "happy new year" when its september?
no - because what the fuck do you care?
so why do you think its okay?
stop it.
its annoying as fuck.

if you want to say - "happy memorial/labor/thanksgiving/independence/new years day" or anything that has to do with the country you are living in.
but when it is a day strictly for religion - stop and think.
does this make me look like a horses ass to wish upon someone else?


also - this brings up a secondary issue:
while discussing this issue with a fellow employee - i was asked what is it that i believe.
i do not believe in organized religion; its a crock of shit.
when people blindly follow a book written too long ago to have any meaning to today's world - it irks me greatly.
why are people denied rights because some book tells us its so.
if ultimately (which she disagreed - saying the goal is to simply follow jesus) the goal is to spread the love around - why do we choose to ignore groups of people because they don't share the same beliefs.
its all a crock.

-thoughts?

Well - if you want to have a conversation a wise choice would be to text me @ 847-877-6233 or use aim - my sn is healthyparanoid.
Sadly the computer is mia and this is pretty hard to use. Hopefully you see this.

i can feel it coming on.
its one of those things - you get in weird moods - let your emotions take off.
you are more inclined to go further and do more.

even though i sit here waiting for something to happen - its no different.
i'm worse than broke - i'm overdrawn.
i have a shit job that continually shits on me.

but somehow - for now - its okay.

but its the waiting.
but without the waiting there's no product.
there's no emotion.
there's no feeling.
there's nothing to say.
there's no reason to say it.
this has been coming on for the last couple months - but its started to hit me pretty hard recently.

i need to write something.

i need to put something onto paper.

and see - i can say that willy nilly - but its - for me - like birthing a kid.
its not easy.
you get the itch.
you you start out to get knocked up - well with emotion that is.
you take in everything that you see, are effected by - all the bullshit.
and you sit on it.
you let it eat you alive.
you wait.
you wait for more.
you take it all in.
you hold your tongue. keep yourself from biting someone's head off.
keep waiting.

art becomes more like a food group rather than an leisure.
you intake all that you can.

my problem is that i'd sit down and write until my hands fell off - as long as i finished the damned thing in that time.

that's the problem.
i have a mind that races - goes faster than my hands can keep up.

i don't write continually because i'll lose my train.
i hate that.
i wish i could write a little bit every day and keep going.
no.
i need 5 days to regurgitate everything.
then 1-2 months of recovery.
then 2 weeks or health care for the damned thing.

i don't have that time available to me - which i hate.
no vacation.
no nothing.
i have 2 days off.

but good news listeners.
have no fear.

this post finds me in good spirits.

as emotionally traumatic it can be for me hearing every single shoulda-woulda-coulda- from every aspect i could think of - its just getting channeled.

more importantly its been therapeutic and nice to be back here.
intelligent people find themselves a home here.
its very homey.

we're in this together now

soooo - i had something significant and profound to say.

maybe one of these days i'll figure out what i was going to say.

otherwise - currently i'm actually reading.
shocking.