last night was bad...
i guess bad in minute standards in comparison to what 'bad' meant to me last year.
bad last year was like 'i got kicked out of school, my boyfriend is cheating on me, i'm pregnant, i'm homeless, and i suck at everything". i guess with the comparison at hand, i shouldn't even be bitching.
i'm lonely. i'm second-guessing shit. i've threatened myself with mariah carey if i don't perk the shit up, but it's not working.
i called people. it was like drunk dialing but worse because there was no alcoholic justification for being so fucking dumb, it was just me, calling people, reaching out.
well, it was a waste.
no one answered.
the one person i've wanted to talk to doesn't answer his phone. he doesn't actually talk to me but once every six months, i guess just enough to keep me hanging on and reminding me of why i love him so much. Michael is his name. Michael is nonexistent in my life. a good ten years older than me and he knowingly reserved the right to be my big teddy bear friend....the guy that can say anything to me as long as he's honest and ends it with 'sweetheart' because when he says it, my heart still melts.
when things started with him it was much different than it is now, and yet i write him emails every few weeks just to go to my sent messages and see that he read it... someone read it.
his girlfriend lives with him now. i want him to be happy. he's kind of my dream guy.... but... a little less faithful.
i should talk.
so if he's trying then i should drop it,
but, he hasn't dropped me.
we're still on eachothers myspaces... like that's such a defining factor in any relationship friendship ness...
ugh. this is where i let out a big sigh.
anyway....
i never really figured out if this is some kind of adult version of life that i am destined to be involved in, living, functioning in. having the type of relationships that are distant because they can be. i guess if he felt compelled to talk to me he would. this sounds so pathetic, doesn't it? like i'm just some sappy girl that isn't getting the message. i don't think it's like that, because when we do talk, we talk for hours. last phone conversation we had was a year ago and we talked for about six hours.......
but, a year ago. wtf.
and the emails? i haven't heard from him in months, but he always does this nowadays.
are these the rules of engagement or is he shoving me off? you'd think shoving me off would entail quite a lot more proactive 'stop talking to me' motions than just being 'busy' like he says. i try not to care, because he doesn't.
he's my mr. big.
yeah i just said that.

aklsjdfklajsdf.

anyway,
lonely.
i didn't even call Michael, but i really fucking wanted to.
i didn't even bother because A) he wouldn't answer at 2am and B) he doesn't usually answer anyway. so. what's the point.
the second i'm not in a relationship it's like i'm looking for one.
i don't want to just have random sex anymore,
and for lots of freaking reasons,
but what am i supposed to do?
celibacy.
hmpf.

so, in my state of "its 5am and i am trying to fall asleep and i'm whiney and lonely" bullshit, i ended up falling asleep and dreaming of my ex in a pretty accurate manner.
it was sexual, but, he had a vibrating butt plug in, and if you know anything about the piece of shit that i once called my boyfriend, he's extremely homophobic but with a little alcohol will freely admit that he wants it in the ass more than pretty much anything.
i don't really know how that's relevant but it was just funny.
i guess mentally if i saw him again i would have expected to see him changed a little bit, but i guess my subconscious took that to a whole different level.... it's been over a year, so you accept that you like it in the ass and got a butt plug! congratulations. i know the reality, though. John's exactly where he was a year ago, only probably a little bit lonelier, because all of his resources from friends stemmed from high school and since he dropped out at 16 and never bothered to attend classes at his local community college, the places where he could go about making and meeting friends have greatly decreased to such locations as! A) the random job he can hold down for up to a month B) convincing his old friends not to hate him long enough for his loneliness to go away and for him to do something catchy and great to make them hate him again... and C) people his psychotic mother introduces him to.
so i guess to a degree there's pity for him.
i wish i could say that i never think of him, but it's untrue.
he's the kind of heart-wasting mistake that pops into my head only on location... which means, i only think about him when there's something to remind me of him. however, those thoughts only last long enough for me to mentally spell out his name, and then i'm over it. howwwwever#2, last night in my state of self-pity i guess i managed to think of him long enough to wind up having awkward sex dreams about him.
but,
just like our real past sex life,
his mother was a little too present.
weeeeeirdo.
so to clarify that statement,
i may not NEVER think of him, but i think of him rarely enough that after all the shit he did to me, he's getting a generous amount of brainwave airtime, however minuscule and nearly nonexistent that it may be.

so, sex.
i haven't had sex since the beginning of april.
drought.
i think it's harder for guys, they have to go longer because women have so many rules...
it's almost easier for women to take men home than it is for men to take women home, because what if we don't reeeeeeeally want it? what if i change my mind?
but sex is different on a woman's terms.
her place, where she's comfortable.
she's not the one who has to leave in the morning, she can stay in bed as long as she likes.
i only partially experienced that this last semester in my -dorm- room, and that's why i say partially, because it was a dorm...but,
this year i'm in an apartment off campus.
the only thing really determining my sexual activity is my class load and the size of mattress that i will be buying. (i'm a snuggly person, but, two-person mattresses are still more expensive than single... but it's practically not even an issue because i can't imagine not having enough room for me and someone else. that would just suck unbearably).

i'm leaving FRIDAY, yes FRRRIIDDAAAYYYY to go back to the UK.
i think i'm going to end up sleeping with Nelson. it always happens the first night i'm there, or he's here, we fuck like crazy and it's over too fast and we both feel dumb and go to sleep.
i'm going to hold out this time.
maybe i should just hold out completely.
i love him very much but i just don't wanna...
well.
if my heart isn't there than it's not right (for me).

anyway, i need to fucking exercise before my brain just stops working.
i miss the endorphins like it's chocolate or something....which i also havent had in a while, ugh!

i'm going to be away from the computer pretty much the whole time i'm gone, unless i get bored and get on, or i write once again before i leave.


i'm nervous about flying, i hate it.

i know this blog is probably too much for anyone to read, but, if you do read it, i'm interested in what you think.
i don't want to say" i feel like i need someone to tell me what to do" because i don't, but...i do feel like i need help learning things, even things about myself.

i hope everybody has a good few weeks,
i'll be back in july, and that will be a sad reality wake up call.
this was the only thing i had to look forward to this summer, and i know it will be over just as soon as it begins.