Well, I fear this may be my last blog for a while as I think my account for free will be expiring. I don't have a debit/credit card here and trying to save up fifty bucks or whatever it costs might take a while. As far as the girl goes, I've pretty much killed all thoughts about her. I did actually try to send her a message yesterday with no response..thing is there are so many beautiful women here (inside and out) that it doesn't matter lol it's not something I will allow myself to get depressed about. What I did let myself get depressed about was how not a lot of people call me to go out. Fortunately, I realized that I was being too sensitive about it and overreacting. You know, in the states when such a situation would happen, I would get angry, and not even try to control it or figure out why, I would go and take my anger out on a slot machine. The machines always won, and my anger got worse. Ugh. Good luck everyone in your endeavors this year!!!
well, a couple nights ago Iet my guard down and said a couple of things to this girl that I probably shoulnd't have...not embarassing things, but just things that were self degrading..I dunno what I said though so maybe I'm overreacting lol today I feel like the only way I'm going to get where I want to is to be patient. I saw her last night and it was all smiles and stuff, so I'm beggining to realize this is going to take lots of time and lots of patience. I have to hang out with her more so she can get to know me, the key will be not to mention my past of lack of self confidence, suicide attempts, and gambling....until the time is right. I'm happy to say that I'm not thinking about her all the time, even though I think the love bug is in me.
Regarding gambling, I'm sucking right now. I haven't attempted to stop it nor do I see me doing so in the future. I need a job really bad. I guess the good thing is that it isn't catastrophic. I mean, if I get twenty bucks, I'll buy cigarettes and probably lose five bucks or something. I'm just really bored to be honest, but by saying that I'm making excuses. see ya!
Regarding gambling, I'm sucking right now. I haven't attempted to stop it nor do I see me doing so in the future. I need a job really bad. I guess the good thing is that it isn't catastrophic. I mean, if I get twenty bucks, I'll buy cigarettes and probably lose five bucks or something. I'm just really bored to be honest, but by saying that I'm making excuses. see ya!
happy new year to all and posperity and health!!! I am so fucking drunk righ now and damn proud of oit. When it the lcok stuck 12:00 am, I was so thrilled that 2010 was gone, and so excited that 2011 was here! It's all up to the individual and there ani't nothing, NOTHING, that can stop you from your dreams..seriously, any lables you may have heard or had labled up on you, are just people stuff...people are mistakes..we all make em and thats just that. I don't think this girl is into me but I got her numbr, and I really hope she comes in handy for me in terms of finding a job..I ain't worried about the woman situation because I am amongs a million beautiful greek women and it will work itself out, I just need to go to the gym and I'll be fine. I couldn't help but compare myself from the month I spent in the mental institution vs. the club I was in and it felt awesome! I love you all!!
thank god for this blog. I'm starting to add a bunch of high school people on facebook and because I have all these family members, I have to be extremely careful of what I say. A lot of these people were in the same situation and did the same things I did, so I have no issue with telling someone I'm a compulsive gambler and have had multiple suicide attempts. I find the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I am with myself and learn a thing or two in how to interact with people the right way...god, I'm so happy right now with that aspect of my life. I've been able to talk to people without unleashing all of my weaknesses..this is new for me lol
Hey, not sure if I'll post a NYE blog, so check this out...my first NYE party in south jersey, my friend whom I met at work at the time told me to hold money at 11:59pm..a five, ten, twenty, I've even held a hundred dollar bill..doesn't matter...I've done this every NYE and while I havne't won the lottery or anything, financially, things have found a way to work themselves out. This past year, I didn't do it for whatever reason, and well...I'm bankrupt and etc etc etc....just a suggestion if you remember this..lol
Hey, not sure if I'll post a NYE blog, so check this out...my first NYE party in south jersey, my friend whom I met at work at the time told me to hold money at 11:59pm..a five, ten, twenty, I've even held a hundred dollar bill..doesn't matter...I've done this every NYE and while I havne't won the lottery or anything, financially, things have found a way to work themselves out. This past year, I didn't do it for whatever reason, and well...I'm bankrupt and etc etc etc....just a suggestion if you remember this..lol
Hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas. I did. I hadn't been been in the holiday spirit much until the 23rd, which is a local tradition of bonfires, alcohol, and barbecue...
The past two times I had spent Christmas here, it was one of my favorite times. So I kinda got into it. My grandmother is in the hospital and apparently was in a coma for a few days but she's doing better than she was. However, this caused a panic and we were all in a hurry cleaning up and stuff making funeral arrangements. You see, in Greece, funerals are held the very next day. They bring the body to the persons home, have a viewing, and then you're burried. I've never witnessed this and I'm preparing to be freaked out! But it hasn't happened yet, and I know it might happen tomorrow and it might happen ten years from now. My Grandmother has gone through a lot health-wise and always comes out strong so who knows.
Then Christmas day I ate here at home, and then went out with my cousin to a local bar with some live music. There I met this girl who was a friend of my cousins. This very extremely beautiful girl. No, its not her in the pic, but we started talking and stuff and went out again the next night with her and another friend. I think I'm falling in love which I want, but I don't think I could handle rejection, which is always a possability. The thing that really bothers me about this chic is that I don't know if she's single or not. I've had conversations with her about how the whole 'dating' thing works here and things along that topic and also other irrelevant things but you know, the more I reflect on this, I realize that I don't have that "OH GOD I'm creeping her out" type feeling...really when I talk to any girl for that matter. You see, when it comes to women, I've always thrown myself at them, degraded myself, and then end up in total embarassment. Now, I basically act how I want and enjoy myself and don't give a fuck if they like me or not, which is something new. I'm going out a bit more than I did in the states and hopefully the more I do it, the more I'll be involved and such. A lot of the younger crowd are here for the holidays and then will go back to the city.
I do want to post this picture though:
This might look like a typical scene from a bar, but the size of this place is so small, that it literally resembles a sardine can. I've always despised these places because of that, but then I realized something...everyone else is in the same situation trying to squeeze through other people so no harm is done and no one gets mad at this..lol
The past two times I had spent Christmas here, it was one of my favorite times. So I kinda got into it. My grandmother is in the hospital and apparently was in a coma for a few days but she's doing better than she was. However, this caused a panic and we were all in a hurry cleaning up and stuff making funeral arrangements. You see, in Greece, funerals are held the very next day. They bring the body to the persons home, have a viewing, and then you're burried. I've never witnessed this and I'm preparing to be freaked out! But it hasn't happened yet, and I know it might happen tomorrow and it might happen ten years from now. My Grandmother has gone through a lot health-wise and always comes out strong so who knows.
Then Christmas day I ate here at home, and then went out with my cousin to a local bar with some live music. There I met this girl who was a friend of my cousins. This very extremely beautiful girl. No, its not her in the pic, but we started talking and stuff and went out again the next night with her and another friend. I think I'm falling in love which I want, but I don't think I could handle rejection, which is always a possability. The thing that really bothers me about this chic is that I don't know if she's single or not. I've had conversations with her about how the whole 'dating' thing works here and things along that topic and also other irrelevant things but you know, the more I reflect on this, I realize that I don't have that "OH GOD I'm creeping her out" type feeling...really when I talk to any girl for that matter. You see, when it comes to women, I've always thrown myself at them, degraded myself, and then end up in total embarassment. Now, I basically act how I want and enjoy myself and don't give a fuck if they like me or not, which is something new. I'm going out a bit more than I did in the states and hopefully the more I do it, the more I'll be involved and such. A lot of the younger crowd are here for the holidays and then will go back to the city.
I do want to post this picture though:
This might look like a typical scene from a bar, but the size of this place is so small, that it literally resembles a sardine can. I've always despised these places because of that, but then I realized something...everyone else is in the same situation trying to squeeze through other people so no harm is done and no one gets mad at this..lol
ugh...I have sleep problems (it's 3am here), my hiatal hernia is acting up again and I felt suicidal the other day. I was able to go to the gym last wednesday, and went again tonight...I've never felt depressed after a workout, the problem is getting my ass up to do it. The owner has a couple of daughters, who are pretty cute, and I make some small talk with them, but I'm so unaware of how the whole 'dating' scene works here that the notion of me falling in love doesn't come to mind all that often. I dunno, I'm cautionsly optimistic at the moment. 
I live in a town where people 1km away know what I ate, when I took a dump, and what I jerked off to, so it makes sense that I haven't told anyone of my problems. I personally believe that when people don't vent, there comes a moment when they blow up. One thing I learned about myself while in the mental institutions is that I have a lot of anger, emotional anger. I don't think the point is to say whats on your mind, but rather to release whats on your mind. What good does it do if I say that church girls aren't my type. Instead, I should actually date someone who isn't a church person. I guess all I'm saying is that actions speak louder than words, and many times I've done things that surprise people. You know, in my former 'subscription' to this site, I had explained how I had an obsession with a lesbian chic I met at work. She told me once that it wouldn't look right if I pierced my ears because I'm too 'clean cut'. So, I went and got them done. Did I do it to spite her? Two or three years later, I can tell you that I didn't do it because of that, I did it cause I think they look good on me. Truth be told, I don't even know that I have them half the time as I never take them out. K, I'm running off on a tangent here. About a month ago, I was introduced to the godparent of my mothers cousin's son. She's a cutie and all, but literally five minutes after she left, people started the talk...."do you think she's cute" "she was givin you a special type of look" and this talk hasn't ceased since. Believe me, I am NOT ready for any kind of serious relationship right now, and it's frustrating because I can't tell anyone why! I've seen her a few times since and we get along and all, but there's one thing that I'm totally not attracted to and its that she's a church girl. I HATE religion.......all religions, and above all, I am at a very big disagreement with priests. I think the position of a priest in Christian societies is the most useless position that's ever been created. Let me rant, but let me also explain that it doesn't bother me a bit what anyone else's position is on religion. I think it's a healthy subject to discuss, and I also don't think that ANYONE is right or wrong on the subject. However, a priest is supposed to help guide people towards god, and I think thats a crock of shit. You don't need a priest to tell you that when you have five chickens, and your neighbor has none and is starving, that you should give one to your neighbor. If it's enlightenment you're looking for, nature has a lot of that. Having kids has a lot of that. Giving people you love hugs has a lot of that. I just think that it's human nature to care. What we have a lot of in society is fear and that causes a lot of people to do crazy things and think irrationaly. I wasn't forced to go, but I went to this 'bible study' thing tonight so that I wouldn't hurt anyones feelings and I hear the same bullshit over and over again, with some amusement about noah's ark. I think noah's ark sounds more like a fucking fairytale than anything and I think it's funny how the priest was describing it: "God had it with us humans, and told noah to build a ship and that all of humanity would die," oh and that "noah was five hundred years old," which made me chuckle but I highly doubt that a year actually has the same meaning as it does today so I don't fault anyone for misunderstanding that.
Greece is a religiously fanatical country. I say that only based on one fact: they teach Christianity in school. I acknowledge that because I was raised in the US, this seems very odd to me. I mean, if I remember correctly, they taught us about all religions in school right? Even the pledge of allegiance says "In one nation under god" but it just seems so vague to me that I don't know if that even counts. Anyway, so if I start ranting on how jesus is just a myth and that the church should be obliterated, I'd be stoned to death...verbally anyway. I don't understand why people are afraid. Ok, I do understand because I was the same way, in fact, I think I still am. Many times I'm afraid of what other people think. This viewpoint has caused me so many problems. Acceptance is not something I've been accustomed to. But wait, maybe it is something I'm accustomed to. I don't recall anyone ever having done harm to me or wishing me in a negative way, so what is it I'm complaining about? Do I want to be a famous rock star, or do I want to be president? I've always taken the viewpoint that I'm insignificant and that I go unnoticed, but when I do get recognition, I'm usually pretty humble about it. This is what I call the pisces-aries complex, but to the rest of the world, it's known as a cusp.
here's a definition I found of the two: The Aries person is assertive, energetic, intelligent, individualistic, independent, impulsive, competitive, eager, straightforward, forceful, headstrong, pioneering, focused on the present, and freedom-loving. Due to your adventurous nature, no matter where you go, however remote or unusual it might be, you can be sure another Aries has gone there before you. Aries can also be a naïve sign, although they are outgoing and assertive, Aries can be surprisingly trusting, and get themselves into bad situations because of that. Fortunately, Aries is also able to bounce back easily from those situations. Aries have a wonderful ability to be young at heart, and can view the world as their playground.
Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.
The leadership quality of the ram is something I admire and wish I was more of more often, but I think the only Ram in me is the attention-whore/jealousy part. I get jealous very easily and it tends to lead me to say things on impulse and then usually regret. I don't take the time to think things out when I say them. I also love challenges, but once it's done and accomplished, lets move on to the next one. Something I believe, but do not practice, is..practice. Just because I beat the challenge, doesn't mean I've mastered it. It's the pisces that tends to keep me in check though, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I tell you, I have fire inside me even though I may seem calm. Hence the emotional anger.
I can come up with all these explanations and stuff but you know what it all boils down to is being happy with yourself and accepting who you are. I've never EVER done either. I was never happy with myself. I always thought the goal was to get a muscular body, get the hot woman and have sex and get rich and have affairs. Pretty naive and stupid isn't it? I've lived so many years in a high school fantasy and it's developed into a severe gambling addiction and depression and suicide attempts. All because I was not happy with who I was. I didn't even know who I was. What makes it even worse is that everyone around me knew and tried to tell me as I was going down in flames. My best friend, who is an alcoholic, always told me that I have so much potential, and when I reflect, I agree. It's the now that I'm after, I want a hot body so I can get the hot girl and then dump her for being dumb and only thinking that hot women are for hot men and it's all high school again. Why can I not get out of this mentallity? What seems to make this situation worse is that I live in a town....it's the city where I belong. Do you notice that people who live in the city are more open minded about stuff? The other night, I was over a family members house and on some tv show, there's this chic with a couple of tatoos and a piercing in both her cheeks..I said that's what I look for in a woman..they said that women who look like that are lesbians.........ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what else do you expect from living in a small town. Don't get me wrong, I belong here. This is where my family is at, and I no longer sit in the dark chainsmoking wondering when the next time is that I'll get to see my mother. But I know where I got to go so that I can get my mind off of gambling. It fucking sucks because it seems like every five minutes changes moods. As far as getting to know yourself, I can tell you this, I am making progress. I'll never be the 'badass' type but will admire it. I got a tattoo not only for the sake of getting inked, but so that I could prove to myself that I can save up money to get it done. I'm very proud of it, but along with my hoop earrings, I might look a bit 'bad' but I know I'm not, and I'm ok with that, I accept it and try to make it a part of me. Geez, I'm surprised that I've focused this long on writing this journal...ah well, take care folks!
Greece is a religiously fanatical country. I say that only based on one fact: they teach Christianity in school. I acknowledge that because I was raised in the US, this seems very odd to me. I mean, if I remember correctly, they taught us about all religions in school right? Even the pledge of allegiance says "In one nation under god" but it just seems so vague to me that I don't know if that even counts. Anyway, so if I start ranting on how jesus is just a myth and that the church should be obliterated, I'd be stoned to death...verbally anyway. I don't understand why people are afraid. Ok, I do understand because I was the same way, in fact, I think I still am. Many times I'm afraid of what other people think. This viewpoint has caused me so many problems. Acceptance is not something I've been accustomed to. But wait, maybe it is something I'm accustomed to. I don't recall anyone ever having done harm to me or wishing me in a negative way, so what is it I'm complaining about? Do I want to be a famous rock star, or do I want to be president? I've always taken the viewpoint that I'm insignificant and that I go unnoticed, but when I do get recognition, I'm usually pretty humble about it. This is what I call the pisces-aries complex, but to the rest of the world, it's known as a cusp.
here's a definition I found of the two: The Aries person is assertive, energetic, intelligent, individualistic, independent, impulsive, competitive, eager, straightforward, forceful, headstrong, pioneering, focused on the present, and freedom-loving. Due to your adventurous nature, no matter where you go, however remote or unusual it might be, you can be sure another Aries has gone there before you. Aries can also be a naïve sign, although they are outgoing and assertive, Aries can be surprisingly trusting, and get themselves into bad situations because of that. Fortunately, Aries is also able to bounce back easily from those situations. Aries have a wonderful ability to be young at heart, and can view the world as their playground.
Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.
The leadership quality of the ram is something I admire and wish I was more of more often, but I think the only Ram in me is the attention-whore/jealousy part. I get jealous very easily and it tends to lead me to say things on impulse and then usually regret. I don't take the time to think things out when I say them. I also love challenges, but once it's done and accomplished, lets move on to the next one. Something I believe, but do not practice, is..practice. Just because I beat the challenge, doesn't mean I've mastered it. It's the pisces that tends to keep me in check though, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I tell you, I have fire inside me even though I may seem calm. Hence the emotional anger.
I can come up with all these explanations and stuff but you know what it all boils down to is being happy with yourself and accepting who you are. I've never EVER done either. I was never happy with myself. I always thought the goal was to get a muscular body, get the hot woman and have sex and get rich and have affairs. Pretty naive and stupid isn't it? I've lived so many years in a high school fantasy and it's developed into a severe gambling addiction and depression and suicide attempts. All because I was not happy with who I was. I didn't even know who I was. What makes it even worse is that everyone around me knew and tried to tell me as I was going down in flames. My best friend, who is an alcoholic, always told me that I have so much potential, and when I reflect, I agree. It's the now that I'm after, I want a hot body so I can get the hot girl and then dump her for being dumb and only thinking that hot women are for hot men and it's all high school again. Why can I not get out of this mentallity? What seems to make this situation worse is that I live in a town....it's the city where I belong. Do you notice that people who live in the city are more open minded about stuff? The other night, I was over a family members house and on some tv show, there's this chic with a couple of tatoos and a piercing in both her cheeks..I said that's what I look for in a woman..they said that women who look like that are lesbians.........ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what else do you expect from living in a small town. Don't get me wrong, I belong here. This is where my family is at, and I no longer sit in the dark chainsmoking wondering when the next time is that I'll get to see my mother. But I know where I got to go so that I can get my mind off of gambling. It fucking sucks because it seems like every five minutes changes moods. As far as getting to know yourself, I can tell you this, I am making progress. I'll never be the 'badass' type but will admire it. I got a tattoo not only for the sake of getting inked, but so that I could prove to myself that I can save up money to get it done. I'm very proud of it, but along with my hoop earrings, I might look a bit 'bad' but I know I'm not, and I'm ok with that, I accept it and try to make it a part of me. Geez, I'm surprised that I've focused this long on writing this journal...ah well, take care folks!
As soon as I found out that I was accepted to the Sobriety group, I realized that my profile has me holding a beer. I don't have an alcohol problem so out of respect I quickly changed my profile picture to something...anything...so I used Nirvana in a haste. I've been trying to do an update for the past two weeks, but I have so much on my mind that I tire myself out and forget or change moods and don't bother. Now watch, I'll do an update every day for a week and then stop for five..haha
Well, not a whole lot of good news. I went to the casino yesterday. I had the itch for a month now and these little lottery games didn't satisfy. Of course, there is no satisfaction that comes with this disease. More than anything though, I was just sooooooo bored. One thing I've learned as a result of all this therapy I've received the past few months is that when putting money in that slot machine, or having that beer, or sticking the needle in your arm, when that causes unmanagability in your life, you have a problem. That's what makes us addicts different: one is not enough. Some people can drink three beers every other Saturday, some people can spend only thirty bucks in a casino, some people can do a line of coke once a month and by doing it, they enjoy it, it does not create problems in their lives. You know, what pisses me off the most is that half the time I go and gamble, I always tell myself "only a hundred bucks" and it never pans out that way. It bothers me cause I KNOW I can't control myself. I've confessed hundreds of times that I can't control it, so why do I go and do it? Again, I have no bills to pay, have no kids to feed, and have no car to pay off so this episode didn't cost anyone anything, my bank account just shrunk.
I'm just very dissatisfied with the mental health progress I'm making because its very minimal if any. I don't feel a whole lot different than back in june when I popped all those pills. I will admit that I'm happier certain moments when family is around, but if I were back on my own.......I"d be dead.
Here is the biggest thing on my mind now though..the biggest 'crime' if you will. WHen I reflect on my past, I only seem to remember the good times. LIke, whaaaaaaaa? I don't want to live in the past, but I don't ever want to forget it. I just don't seem to remember how miserable I was all the time, not knowing what or if I'd eat one day, and rolling the tobacco out of cigarette butts to make new cigarettes, who could I borrow ten bucks from. God that was so fucking bad! Emotionally, I seem to draw a blank on those things, and I know they happened. Maybe this means that I feel better about my life and therefore, I don't think about all those horrible moments that dominated my life...other than that, I have no explanation for this.
I dunno, I still feel that I have a lot to unload but I feel that there's nothing else left to say. I'm gonna check out some nekkid pics now of all the beautiful women here
Well, not a whole lot of good news. I went to the casino yesterday. I had the itch for a month now and these little lottery games didn't satisfy. Of course, there is no satisfaction that comes with this disease. More than anything though, I was just sooooooo bored. One thing I've learned as a result of all this therapy I've received the past few months is that when putting money in that slot machine, or having that beer, or sticking the needle in your arm, when that causes unmanagability in your life, you have a problem. That's what makes us addicts different: one is not enough. Some people can drink three beers every other Saturday, some people can spend only thirty bucks in a casino, some people can do a line of coke once a month and by doing it, they enjoy it, it does not create problems in their lives. You know, what pisses me off the most is that half the time I go and gamble, I always tell myself "only a hundred bucks" and it never pans out that way. It bothers me cause I KNOW I can't control myself. I've confessed hundreds of times that I can't control it, so why do I go and do it? Again, I have no bills to pay, have no kids to feed, and have no car to pay off so this episode didn't cost anyone anything, my bank account just shrunk.
I'm just very dissatisfied with the mental health progress I'm making because its very minimal if any. I don't feel a whole lot different than back in june when I popped all those pills. I will admit that I'm happier certain moments when family is around, but if I were back on my own.......I"d be dead.
Here is the biggest thing on my mind now though..the biggest 'crime' if you will. WHen I reflect on my past, I only seem to remember the good times. LIke, whaaaaaaaa? I don't want to live in the past, but I don't ever want to forget it. I just don't seem to remember how miserable I was all the time, not knowing what or if I'd eat one day, and rolling the tobacco out of cigarette butts to make new cigarettes, who could I borrow ten bucks from. God that was so fucking bad! Emotionally, I seem to draw a blank on those things, and I know they happened. Maybe this means that I feel better about my life and therefore, I don't think about all those horrible moments that dominated my life...other than that, I have no explanation for this.
I dunno, I still feel that I have a lot to unload but I feel that there's nothing else left to say. I'm gonna check out some nekkid pics now of all the beautiful women here
