Turns out getting fired was one of the best things to happen to me =)
So, if anyone reads this, I just randomly remembered about this site (and that I was still paying for it!), please know that if you keep your chin up and put yourself in what feels right in your heart, good things do happen
So, if anyone reads this, I just randomly remembered about this site (and that I was still paying for it!), please know that if you keep your chin up and put yourself in what feels right in your heart, good things do happen
hah
what a change that turned out to be. (see my last blog post from August)
It's January now, and here I've been without a job since November 19th.
Holy fuck, was I ever foolish in my last post, and how I wish I could alter time.
I got fired because, among some other bs, i told HR about my boss calling me at 3am, drunk, asking to suck my dick. (Disclaimer, i'm not gay). After that, my boss stopped talking to me, and eventually he broke one of our servers. Of course, i get blamed and out the door i went.
So, finding work in IT down here in Niagara isn't exactly easy. Fuck sakes, i was a hero in Toronto, down here i'm a fucking looser all over again. It feels like high school.
But no one's going to read this to care, so i'll just whine some more.
I never am like this. I've always been the guy that thigns just worked out for. I had a rough time in high school, but i was true to myself and got through it. I stayed true to myself until David, my brother, killed himself in 2002. Then, i lost who I was, and i've been struggling to find that person since.
It's Fyre. The Fyre that's within me. Fyre is the name of my other 'ego', my pagan self, and the name i use when i'm addressing the inner most part of my being. Emilie only wanted to help me bring that back, and i pushed her away.
I pushed her away for a fucking job that fired me in 2 months for not being gay. Fuck.
I've been a mess ever since, pretty much. i'm trying to be productive to find work, but it's alot of sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. No one want's to see you in person anymore, it's always 'fill out an application online'. Tho i should expect no less in IT, it makes it hard to sell myself with my people skills without meeting these people.
so yah, basically boils down to moving back to niagara being one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
Picking up pieces again. I've been successfull for 2 years now, and here i am being a failure again. Did I mention it feels like high school?
It's like the people in this region assume to already know me, and i'm written off, excluded, ignored and marginalized.
Fuck, i may not be as 'successful' as I was in October or September, but i'm still funny, smart, witty, and totally not a jerk. Why am I ignored and pushed away by friends of all sexes?
I miss Emilie so much, it kills me. I see her whenever i close my eyes at night. It's been better lately, but it's still rough. I want to open up and love someone again, but i am always ignored.
fuck, i need to get out. lol!
I'm just so sad all the time. I don't know how to make it better anymore.
what a change that turned out to be. (see my last blog post from August)
It's January now, and here I've been without a job since November 19th.
Holy fuck, was I ever foolish in my last post, and how I wish I could alter time.
I got fired because, among some other bs, i told HR about my boss calling me at 3am, drunk, asking to suck my dick. (Disclaimer, i'm not gay). After that, my boss stopped talking to me, and eventually he broke one of our servers. Of course, i get blamed and out the door i went.
So, finding work in IT down here in Niagara isn't exactly easy. Fuck sakes, i was a hero in Toronto, down here i'm a fucking looser all over again. It feels like high school.
But no one's going to read this to care, so i'll just whine some more.
I never am like this. I've always been the guy that thigns just worked out for. I had a rough time in high school, but i was true to myself and got through it. I stayed true to myself until David, my brother, killed himself in 2002. Then, i lost who I was, and i've been struggling to find that person since.
It's Fyre. The Fyre that's within me. Fyre is the name of my other 'ego', my pagan self, and the name i use when i'm addressing the inner most part of my being. Emilie only wanted to help me bring that back, and i pushed her away.
I pushed her away for a fucking job that fired me in 2 months for not being gay. Fuck.
I've been a mess ever since, pretty much. i'm trying to be productive to find work, but it's alot of sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. No one want's to see you in person anymore, it's always 'fill out an application online'. Tho i should expect no less in IT, it makes it hard to sell myself with my people skills without meeting these people.
so yah, basically boils down to moving back to niagara being one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
Picking up pieces again. I've been successfull for 2 years now, and here i am being a failure again. Did I mention it feels like high school?
It's like the people in this region assume to already know me, and i'm written off, excluded, ignored and marginalized.
Fuck, i may not be as 'successful' as I was in October or September, but i'm still funny, smart, witty, and totally not a jerk. Why am I ignored and pushed away by friends of all sexes?
I miss Emilie so much, it kills me. I see her whenever i close my eyes at night. It's been better lately, but it's still rough. I want to open up and love someone again, but i am always ignored.
fuck, i need to get out. lol!
I'm just so sad all the time. I don't know how to make it better anymore.
Change is a mysterious thing.
It comes, often unanounced, and decides to alter your life in some unexpected way.
It's almost like Life itself is throwing a curve ball at you to see how you'll handle it. The thing about life is that it doesn't care how you handle it, that part is up to you. You decide who you are and what sort of person you want to be by the decisions you make when confronted with change.
For me, I've had some crazy change lately. I'm moving away from Toronto back to the Niagara region to persue a much better job. There's something about working 12 hour days for a straight check of $1200/month that just doesn't quite cut it here in the city.
The decision wasn't easy, mind you. I enjoy Toronto, despite it's insane cost to live here. I enjoy the culture and the people. The fact I can actually meet people that are remotely like me is quite astounding when coming from a small town in the backwoods of South Ontario.
In this change of mine, which goes down 1 week from today, I called into question my 3 year relationship with my girlfriend. I figured that with our distance we should decide what we want to do after a few months of being apart, and whether or not she'll want to come up to live with me in the spring once she's finished her school. Her parents were dead against it, for a number of reasons. They like me and all, but she's taking fine art, so there isn't any work relating to that field in Niagara, firstly. Second, it puts her further away from her family, which no one likes either.
So, when I mentioned these to her, and advised that 'maybe your parents are right?', she got rather upset and decided to end everything right there.
So, after 3 years of tumultuous ups and downs, it's finally over and she and I can move on with our lives. I can finally be the person I once was before I was twisted into fitting into her 'vision' of what I 'should' be, and she has the freedom to move anywhere in the world she wants. She hates Toronto, and coming from Tanzania (she lived there from age 13 to 18), I can understand. She doesn't exactly _get_ North American culture to the same degree that those of us who grew up with The Simpsons, CNN and the birth of The Internet.
So, it's exciting. New work, new people to meet, old friends to catch up with, and the financial stability I've been working so hard to secure. The bonus of it all is that I get to work with one of my best friends doing something I love (I'll be a Network Operations Manager), and I can do it close to my family. Finding this sort of work is why I left Niagara in the first place to go to Toronto.
With that said, I say Cheers to Change... May its winds guide us all safely to shore =)
It comes, often unanounced, and decides to alter your life in some unexpected way.
It's almost like Life itself is throwing a curve ball at you to see how you'll handle it. The thing about life is that it doesn't care how you handle it, that part is up to you. You decide who you are and what sort of person you want to be by the decisions you make when confronted with change.
For me, I've had some crazy change lately. I'm moving away from Toronto back to the Niagara region to persue a much better job. There's something about working 12 hour days for a straight check of $1200/month that just doesn't quite cut it here in the city.
The decision wasn't easy, mind you. I enjoy Toronto, despite it's insane cost to live here. I enjoy the culture and the people. The fact I can actually meet people that are remotely like me is quite astounding when coming from a small town in the backwoods of South Ontario.
In this change of mine, which goes down 1 week from today, I called into question my 3 year relationship with my girlfriend. I figured that with our distance we should decide what we want to do after a few months of being apart, and whether or not she'll want to come up to live with me in the spring once she's finished her school. Her parents were dead against it, for a number of reasons. They like me and all, but she's taking fine art, so there isn't any work relating to that field in Niagara, firstly. Second, it puts her further away from her family, which no one likes either.
So, when I mentioned these to her, and advised that 'maybe your parents are right?', she got rather upset and decided to end everything right there.
So, after 3 years of tumultuous ups and downs, it's finally over and she and I can move on with our lives. I can finally be the person I once was before I was twisted into fitting into her 'vision' of what I 'should' be, and she has the freedom to move anywhere in the world she wants. She hates Toronto, and coming from Tanzania (she lived there from age 13 to 18), I can understand. She doesn't exactly _get_ North American culture to the same degree that those of us who grew up with The Simpsons, CNN and the birth of The Internet.
So, it's exciting. New work, new people to meet, old friends to catch up with, and the financial stability I've been working so hard to secure. The bonus of it all is that I get to work with one of my best friends doing something I love (I'll be a Network Operations Manager), and I can do it close to my family. Finding this sort of work is why I left Niagara in the first place to go to Toronto.
With that said, I say Cheers to Change... May its winds guide us all safely to shore =)
Groundhog Day in Toronto!
Looks like the groundhog did NOT see his shadow, and we're due for an early spring (if you believe the old stupid-stitions).
I'm pretty excited for spring. I'm building a new music studio in Toronto, so the nice weather will be great cuz we'll be able to open the patio doors! With that, we'll be able to have concerts on the patio, parties, etc. AND we can smoke pot without freezing!!
In other news, my GF and I are pretty sure that we're going to end our relationship. She has an oppertunity to go back to Quebec City (or rather Montreal) and have her Masters paid for. So, rather than stay in Toronto, which she hates, she'll be having much more fun in Montreal.
I'll be having fun too. Hopefully i can move into the apartment I want. My boss offered me to live in the building we work at, so i'd be able to live and work in my sound studio... Sounds like a breeding ground for a work-a-holic! But hey, I love what I do, so it's not like work at all.
And, with no g/f, I'll have that much more time to get stuff done. Plus, it gives me some flexibility. I can call my own hours, so if the oppertunity came out to go for drinks, or whatever, with a girl i would actually be able to do that!
Anyone in Toronto feel like partying in a sound studio, maybe get drunk with some good friends and make some good old-fasioned-nu-age noise? Just say 'YARRR!!!'
Looks like the groundhog did NOT see his shadow, and we're due for an early spring (if you believe the old stupid-stitions).
I'm pretty excited for spring. I'm building a new music studio in Toronto, so the nice weather will be great cuz we'll be able to open the patio doors! With that, we'll be able to have concerts on the patio, parties, etc. AND we can smoke pot without freezing!!
In other news, my GF and I are pretty sure that we're going to end our relationship. She has an oppertunity to go back to Quebec City (or rather Montreal) and have her Masters paid for. So, rather than stay in Toronto, which she hates, she'll be having much more fun in Montreal.
I'll be having fun too. Hopefully i can move into the apartment I want. My boss offered me to live in the building we work at, so i'd be able to live and work in my sound studio... Sounds like a breeding ground for a work-a-holic! But hey, I love what I do, so it's not like work at all.
And, with no g/f, I'll have that much more time to get stuff done. Plus, it gives me some flexibility. I can call my own hours, so if the oppertunity came out to go for drinks, or whatever, with a girl i would actually be able to do that!
Anyone in Toronto feel like partying in a sound studio, maybe get drunk with some good friends and make some good old-fasioned-nu-age noise? Just say 'YARRR!!!'
Blog blog blog... everyone loves a blog... sorta =\
It's kinda funny now that 'weblogs' have become commonplace. Having watched the Internet grow like an infant to the adolescent just begining to question it's own existance, I've enjoyed to see people use it as a collaborative outlet as well as a creative one.
People sharing their lives with the whole world, bringing journalism to new heights of expose.
The problem now becomes: what to blog, and where?
There's enough hosted blog services to shake a stick at, from MSN's spaces, mySpace, your own domains with a blog publishing app, blogger, livejournal, and now SG! (for me anyways)
We've also got to be careful what we blog where, tho. I don't have a problem letting myself loose here on SG, but i wouldn't do the same to my myspace account. *grumbles.... fucking myspace...*
So, that being said, I might as well pour a little of my heart into this post.
I moved to Toronto in July of 06, and am, at the moment, living with my girlfriend of about 2 years. She was living here while I was back in Niagara when she offered to let me stay with her to get on my feet in the city.
Well that happened faster than I figured... I found an awesome job right away, money's been great, I've met a few good friends, and got to employ my best friend who i never got to see for like 4 years.
We work for a data / hosting facility, and are working on building a recording studio. We're close to the latter, (Adam's setting up the drum sound-proofing right now!), so it's been great to work on something I love while building something else I love from the ground up. I really can't wait to unveil the studio. I'll be sure to post a msg when that happens, and offer a discount on the hourly rental rate if you found out about it from here
So that's work. In my personal life, things are somewhat different.
Things with the g/f are certainly 'interesting'. I'm a big hearted Leo, and she's a Pisces. The first thing i noticed before we got together was that our signs are the 2 most incompatible signs. All the warnings were there: THIS IS DOOMED!!
But we thought nothing of it. Her dad's a Leo and her mom's a Pisces, so hey... they can do it, right?
Emilie's had an interesting life... she grew up in Panama and moved to Tanzania (East Africa) when she was like 12 or 13. For me, growing up in hick-ville, Niagara, she's something exotic.
Things are turning for the worse, however. I havn't exposed this anywhere else online, so i figure SG is the best outlet for me.
She HATES Toronto and wants to leave, but can't bear the thought of being without me. Personally, I'm getting so frustrated with the situation, I just don't know what to do.
She's taking Culture Studies at York U, but hates it immensely.
Her job keeps screwing her over, and the poor gal doesn't have her 'business teeth/fangs' to avoid people from pushing her around.
So, these feelings have Em in a constant whirlwind of ups and downs. Every day is a new gamble. Will she cry for no reason? Will she snap on me for asking if she went to school that day? Will she be super happy and infant-like-silly, or will she be in a state of loathing?
She depends on me to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay for food. It hasnt started breaking my bank or my will just yet, but it's an effort to keep up to say the least. That, and instead of doing anything around the house, she just plays World of Warcraft all day. I love coming home after a long day's work to find her in front of my other computer playing WoW while the house is a mess, her dishes are piled up (cuz i clean mine as soon as I dirty them), laundry's a mess and the cat litter is stinking up the apartment. =(
Just yesterday, I was offered a unit in the building I work in. I would be able to live rent free for as long as I needed (while still at my current salary, or more). This would be amazing so that I could save up and buy a condo or something. Plus, I'd be living in an awesome unit, wouldn't have to drive to work, and would be with my best friend, while living beside our recording studio. How can I turn that down?
I care for Em so much it hurts, but i can't keep letting myself give in to the 'settle-down' lifestyle. She wants to have kids and be a 'stay-at-home-artist-and-mom', which is ok, but puts tremendous financial burden on me!
So, that's my story. I have to tell her soon that I won't be able to live with her, and that will end our relationship as we know it. Back to being single (oh i miss it so!).
I will miss the little things like going to sleep beside her every night. She sleeps naked, but 4 weeks ago decided we weren't having sex anymore. So that's been slightly annoying.
I see her naked every day, but can't touch!
So wow, that was a longer-than-intended post. But fuck it. If you got this far, thanks for reading, and maybe you'll have something insightful to offer too =)
Cheers =)
It's kinda funny now that 'weblogs' have become commonplace. Having watched the Internet grow like an infant to the adolescent just begining to question it's own existance, I've enjoyed to see people use it as a collaborative outlet as well as a creative one.
People sharing their lives with the whole world, bringing journalism to new heights of expose.
The problem now becomes: what to blog, and where?
There's enough hosted blog services to shake a stick at, from MSN's spaces, mySpace, your own domains with a blog publishing app, blogger, livejournal, and now SG! (for me anyways)
We've also got to be careful what we blog where, tho. I don't have a problem letting myself loose here on SG, but i wouldn't do the same to my myspace account. *grumbles.... fucking myspace...*
So, that being said, I might as well pour a little of my heart into this post.
I moved to Toronto in July of 06, and am, at the moment, living with my girlfriend of about 2 years. She was living here while I was back in Niagara when she offered to let me stay with her to get on my feet in the city.
Well that happened faster than I figured... I found an awesome job right away, money's been great, I've met a few good friends, and got to employ my best friend who i never got to see for like 4 years.
We work for a data / hosting facility, and are working on building a recording studio. We're close to the latter, (Adam's setting up the drum sound-proofing right now!), so it's been great to work on something I love while building something else I love from the ground up. I really can't wait to unveil the studio. I'll be sure to post a msg when that happens, and offer a discount on the hourly rental rate if you found out about it from here
So that's work. In my personal life, things are somewhat different.
Things with the g/f are certainly 'interesting'. I'm a big hearted Leo, and she's a Pisces. The first thing i noticed before we got together was that our signs are the 2 most incompatible signs. All the warnings were there: THIS IS DOOMED!!
But we thought nothing of it. Her dad's a Leo and her mom's a Pisces, so hey... they can do it, right?
Emilie's had an interesting life... she grew up in Panama and moved to Tanzania (East Africa) when she was like 12 or 13. For me, growing up in hick-ville, Niagara, she's something exotic.
Things are turning for the worse, however. I havn't exposed this anywhere else online, so i figure SG is the best outlet for me.
She HATES Toronto and wants to leave, but can't bear the thought of being without me. Personally, I'm getting so frustrated with the situation, I just don't know what to do.
She's taking Culture Studies at York U, but hates it immensely.
Her job keeps screwing her over, and the poor gal doesn't have her 'business teeth/fangs' to avoid people from pushing her around.
So, these feelings have Em in a constant whirlwind of ups and downs. Every day is a new gamble. Will she cry for no reason? Will she snap on me for asking if she went to school that day? Will she be super happy and infant-like-silly, or will she be in a state of loathing?
She depends on me to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay for food. It hasnt started breaking my bank or my will just yet, but it's an effort to keep up to say the least. That, and instead of doing anything around the house, she just plays World of Warcraft all day. I love coming home after a long day's work to find her in front of my other computer playing WoW while the house is a mess, her dishes are piled up (cuz i clean mine as soon as I dirty them), laundry's a mess and the cat litter is stinking up the apartment. =(
Just yesterday, I was offered a unit in the building I work in. I would be able to live rent free for as long as I needed (while still at my current salary, or more). This would be amazing so that I could save up and buy a condo or something. Plus, I'd be living in an awesome unit, wouldn't have to drive to work, and would be with my best friend, while living beside our recording studio. How can I turn that down?
I care for Em so much it hurts, but i can't keep letting myself give in to the 'settle-down' lifestyle. She wants to have kids and be a 'stay-at-home-artist-and-mom', which is ok, but puts tremendous financial burden on me!
So, that's my story. I have to tell her soon that I won't be able to live with her, and that will end our relationship as we know it. Back to being single (oh i miss it so!).
I will miss the little things like going to sleep beside her every night. She sleeps naked, but 4 weeks ago decided we weren't having sex anymore. So that's been slightly annoying.
I see her naked every day, but can't touch!
So wow, that was a longer-than-intended post. But fuck it. If you got this far, thanks for reading, and maybe you'll have something insightful to offer too =)
Cheers =)
JANUARY 2012
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DECEMBER 2011
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NOVEMBER 2011
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OCTOBER 2011