umm. i think this is gonna turn into a moany rant!
i havent felt so lost and alone for a very long time and i have i have no idea what to do to break this cycle/routine i m stuck in..........
when i was in my early to middle 20's the only way i can describe how i was is that i was a total cunt to everyone and everything,i was so full of anger and rage that i used to argue,fight generally be a nasty piece of work, then i lost the girl i really loved... what a surprise eh! that was in 2003 and it shook me to the core and i can honistly say that the whole of 2003 i was in a total daze 24hrs a day or a whole year.
then in 2004 i started to work for a firm that worked away from home, basically we went to a town and stayed there for 6 months to a year and worked and earnt alot of easy moeny, this when i the lost dazed shell of a person that i was discorved drugs,strippers and hard drinking and embrased them all. i spent the whole of 2004 up to my eye ball on drugs booze and women,for awhile i really felt alive again and found my confindence again, come christmas 2004 cracks had started to appear due to my lifestyle and i was becoming paranoid and having dark thoughts, the job ended and i decided to stay in liverpool which was the town we were working in so i rented a flat and moved a stripper friend i had as a flat mate and contuined to basically smoke weed all day long and didnt even bother looking for a job, this is when i realised that alot of the people thet were always round my flat were strippers moaning about being ripped off by the clubs they work in or the photographers they work for so i took some pictures of them and started a little website just to see if i could find a way for me to have a easy life and carry on smoking shit and drinking strong stuff and they could avoid the sleazy photographers win win i thought. it really took off and befor i knew it i had grils doing webcam shows, videos,pictures set and we were splitting the money 50/50 all good so i thought.
It was only when i went back home to london for a weekend and my family saw how much i d changed that i realised that i was a real mess, my hands would shake constantly, i was smoking weed like cigs and i was really paranoid and had lost a hell of alot of weight, went down to under 8 stone.
I went back to liverpool and then had a agruement with one of the main girls i was doing the site with cos she wanted to go really big time and reap the big reward where as i m not a greedy person i just wanted a easy life. so i wrapped all that up, packed my bag and walked away from liverpool a total mess. i came back to london and had to stay with my nan cos i had rented my flat out. i quit everything booze,drugs the lot, was crazy one month being high as kite all the time with nude women around all the time he next month living in my nans spare room. but i did it and slowly put the weight back on and started to feel like a normal human being again, no parania nothing.
that was summer 2005 and since that day i came back life suddenly was a hell of alot clearer than it ever had been befor and i started to be a nice,decent guy, the first time for a very very long time.
since then i have got a nice local job, moved back into my flat,got back in shape and swim daily, worked hard and managed to buy the two cars i ve always wanted and i spend alot of time working on my cars and going to shows with my car mates which is lovely and my favourite thing.
The problem i m finding is i have my car mates and we go to car shows,work on them together but they are all married with kids so havent got anyone to do anything else with, like go for a drink or go see a film or generally just chill with.Its been along since i have had friends to do these things with and because i m not a big drinker these days,dont do any drugs at all or a big fan of load crowded bars/clubs i have no idea what to do to break this cycle
If there is such a thing as karma i feel that i ve suffered enough now to repay my younger years, its now 2009 and i m bored of sitting on my own every night and never doing anything. so i m going to start to become more active on this site and i m going to go to the london meet next week so if you see a miserable looking shy thin guy in the corner come and say hello
Sorry for the overlong boigraphy once i started i couldnt stop!
......................i wish i knew what i know now when i was younger.............................
i havent felt so lost and alone for a very long time and i have i have no idea what to do to break this cycle/routine i m stuck in..........
when i was in my early to middle 20's the only way i can describe how i was is that i was a total cunt to everyone and everything,i was so full of anger and rage that i used to argue,fight generally be a nasty piece of work, then i lost the girl i really loved... what a surprise eh! that was in 2003 and it shook me to the core and i can honistly say that the whole of 2003 i was in a total daze 24hrs a day or a whole year.
then in 2004 i started to work for a firm that worked away from home, basically we went to a town and stayed there for 6 months to a year and worked and earnt alot of easy moeny, this when i the lost dazed shell of a person that i was discorved drugs,strippers and hard drinking and embrased them all. i spent the whole of 2004 up to my eye ball on drugs booze and women,for awhile i really felt alive again and found my confindence again, come christmas 2004 cracks had started to appear due to my lifestyle and i was becoming paranoid and having dark thoughts, the job ended and i decided to stay in liverpool which was the town we were working in so i rented a flat and moved a stripper friend i had as a flat mate and contuined to basically smoke weed all day long and didnt even bother looking for a job, this is when i realised that alot of the people thet were always round my flat were strippers moaning about being ripped off by the clubs they work in or the photographers they work for so i took some pictures of them and started a little website just to see if i could find a way for me to have a easy life and carry on smoking shit and drinking strong stuff and they could avoid the sleazy photographers win win i thought. it really took off and befor i knew it i had grils doing webcam shows, videos,pictures set and we were splitting the money 50/50 all good so i thought.
It was only when i went back home to london for a weekend and my family saw how much i d changed that i realised that i was a real mess, my hands would shake constantly, i was smoking weed like cigs and i was really paranoid and had lost a hell of alot of weight, went down to under 8 stone.
I went back to liverpool and then had a agruement with one of the main girls i was doing the site with cos she wanted to go really big time and reap the big reward where as i m not a greedy person i just wanted a easy life. so i wrapped all that up, packed my bag and walked away from liverpool a total mess. i came back to london and had to stay with my nan cos i had rented my flat out. i quit everything booze,drugs the lot, was crazy one month being high as kite all the time with nude women around all the time he next month living in my nans spare room. but i did it and slowly put the weight back on and started to feel like a normal human being again, no parania nothing.
that was summer 2005 and since that day i came back life suddenly was a hell of alot clearer than it ever had been befor and i started to be a nice,decent guy, the first time for a very very long time.
since then i have got a nice local job, moved back into my flat,got back in shape and swim daily, worked hard and managed to buy the two cars i ve always wanted and i spend alot of time working on my cars and going to shows with my car mates which is lovely and my favourite thing.
The problem i m finding is i have my car mates and we go to car shows,work on them together but they are all married with kids so havent got anyone to do anything else with, like go for a drink or go see a film or generally just chill with.Its been along since i have had friends to do these things with and because i m not a big drinker these days,dont do any drugs at all or a big fan of load crowded bars/clubs i have no idea what to do to break this cycle
If there is such a thing as karma i feel that i ve suffered enough now to repay my younger years, its now 2009 and i m bored of sitting on my own every night and never doing anything. so i m going to start to become more active on this site and i m going to go to the london meet next week so if you see a miserable looking shy thin guy in the corner come and say hello
Sorry for the overlong boigraphy once i started i couldnt stop!
......................i wish i knew what i know now when i was younger.............................
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And if I get anywhere near James I'll definitely try kiss him
hahaha.
I think everyone should swim, i know it makes me feel better inside and out x