I have really thin walls.
More than a few months ago, I noticed my neighbor had a new boyfriend. I was sort of jealous hearing them banging all the time, mostly because I'd been trying to bang her.
They work in the service industry, so they're banging loudly at awful hours.
I'd wake up at 5AM and I'd hear them banging through my morning meditation.
Through my obvious jealousy, I really did find it annoying.
Then I noticed something:
There was a lot of laughter erupting from her side of the wall.
As months progressed, the laughter got louder, more frequent, more constant.
Still slightly annoying, but...
I realized I had never laughed with someone that much in my life. I couldn't think of it. Ever.
And then I was happy for her.
More than a few months ago, I noticed my neighbor had a new boyfriend. I was sort of jealous hearing them banging all the time, mostly because I'd been trying to bang her.
They work in the service industry, so they're banging loudly at awful hours.
I'd wake up at 5AM and I'd hear them banging through my morning meditation.
Through my obvious jealousy, I really did find it annoying.
Then I noticed something:
There was a lot of laughter erupting from her side of the wall.
As months progressed, the laughter got louder, more frequent, more constant.
Still slightly annoying, but...
I realized I had never laughed with someone that much in my life. I couldn't think of it. Ever.
And then I was happy for her.
In going through the 12 Steps again, we do this thing called the sex inventory, where we review our conduct in sexual and/or romantic relationships. It's a lot of what happened, what I did, what harm I caused, then, what should I have done.
I'm explaining shit that happened with girls here, my neighbor, a few friends, one girl from the rooms, etc. My ex-girlfriends in Japan, and I came out with a lot of "what should I have done insteads," which gets turned into an ideal that I create for myself to live up to.
A few things, I will wait longer to have sex with a woman (ideally, 3 months). I will communicate clearly all of my intentions. Let's get even more ruthless and honest, I'm going to be geared toward pleasing the other woman in the bedroom, only to do it. I'm going to show up as a healthy, fit, man for her. I am going to listen to her, take genuine interest in her feelings, her interests, etc. Some other glaringly obvious shit like, I will not have sex with her if she's been drinking or using (even it is consenting in the end). I will be the best man that I am, but not trying to project something that I'm not.
But then I've really got to get down and talk about shit from SG chat. And it kind of sucks, cause, here I am again, with another sponsor, having to explain relationships with people from SG chat, the circumstances of meeting someone from SG chat if I did, and even if I didn't. It is really difficult to explain to a completely independent party my full conduct in chat.
Hell, I got sober specifically because of the pain I felt from a failed relationship from someone in chat.
Further, as part of telling him my secrets that I don't tell anyone: I told him that 90% of my relationships were from somebody over the internet that I'd never met. From my first when I was 15, to the last. A lot of close friends wonder why they don't see me dating anyone (Japan was the only exception, then again it's a whole different society over there).
Really, my immense fear of being alone not only pushes me into relationships that I probably don't want to be in, but will also lead me to keep those relationships a secret from everyone else who might bear some adverse judgment. In fact, my fear of being alone generates a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives a delusion, to an attitude, to action, that eventually leads me to be alone.
He asks me why the hell I'm having all of these internet relationships. Making a circular gesture, he says I'm going to have start looking more local, and I get told to put that in my sex ideal.
That really makes the sex ideal scary. Cause now it's full of shit I've never done in my life. I've never dated anyone locally for more than a few weeks, and even if I wanted to, the picking gets slimmer because surprise, I really don't want to be with someone that enjoys getting fucked up. Let's further distill that with other compatibility issues (hey, if you don't like my music, then it's going to be tough to be around me), and I'm a capricorn/aquarius cusp which already compatible with nothing.
Of course, there are some bogus considerations there when I carried it into six, but still... yeah... shit that nearly makes being with someone seem virtually impossible, but that's most likely my fear of being alone talking. Even though it says, if I fall short, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll drink again, however, it is something that I must strive to become.
How could I tell someone that they can live up to their ideal if I can't live up to mine? That's a tough one. It really made six gnarly, because that really meant I had to be willing to let go of something that in my heart I knew was wrong, but I really liked because it was there for so long.
I'm explaining shit that happened with girls here, my neighbor, a few friends, one girl from the rooms, etc. My ex-girlfriends in Japan, and I came out with a lot of "what should I have done insteads," which gets turned into an ideal that I create for myself to live up to.
A few things, I will wait longer to have sex with a woman (ideally, 3 months). I will communicate clearly all of my intentions. Let's get even more ruthless and honest, I'm going to be geared toward pleasing the other woman in the bedroom, only to do it. I'm going to show up as a healthy, fit, man for her. I am going to listen to her, take genuine interest in her feelings, her interests, etc. Some other glaringly obvious shit like, I will not have sex with her if she's been drinking or using (even it is consenting in the end). I will be the best man that I am, but not trying to project something that I'm not.
But then I've really got to get down and talk about shit from SG chat. And it kind of sucks, cause, here I am again, with another sponsor, having to explain relationships with people from SG chat, the circumstances of meeting someone from SG chat if I did, and even if I didn't. It is really difficult to explain to a completely independent party my full conduct in chat.
Hell, I got sober specifically because of the pain I felt from a failed relationship from someone in chat.
Further, as part of telling him my secrets that I don't tell anyone: I told him that 90% of my relationships were from somebody over the internet that I'd never met. From my first when I was 15, to the last. A lot of close friends wonder why they don't see me dating anyone (Japan was the only exception, then again it's a whole different society over there).
Really, my immense fear of being alone not only pushes me into relationships that I probably don't want to be in, but will also lead me to keep those relationships a secret from everyone else who might bear some adverse judgment. In fact, my fear of being alone generates a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives a delusion, to an attitude, to action, that eventually leads me to be alone.
He asks me why the hell I'm having all of these internet relationships. Making a circular gesture, he says I'm going to have start looking more local, and I get told to put that in my sex ideal.
That really makes the sex ideal scary. Cause now it's full of shit I've never done in my life. I've never dated anyone locally for more than a few weeks, and even if I wanted to, the picking gets slimmer because surprise, I really don't want to be with someone that enjoys getting fucked up. Let's further distill that with other compatibility issues (hey, if you don't like my music, then it's going to be tough to be around me), and I'm a capricorn/aquarius cusp which already compatible with nothing.
Of course, there are some bogus considerations there when I carried it into six, but still... yeah... shit that nearly makes being with someone seem virtually impossible, but that's most likely my fear of being alone talking. Even though it says, if I fall short, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll drink again, however, it is something that I must strive to become.
How could I tell someone that they can live up to their ideal if I can't live up to mine? That's a tough one. It really made six gnarly, because that really meant I had to be willing to let go of something that in my heart I knew was wrong, but I really liked because it was there for so long.
So I just got told to put "I will date women that are local to me, not across the country, and not met on the internet," on my fourth step sex ideal by my sponsor.
PARTY'S OVER.
PARTY'S OVER.
There's a me that some people see, but sometimes I'm really caught up in what I want you to see, to the point where most people don't see that me. I'm afraid of being that me toward everyone.
At this point, I'm really committed to just having that me come out, and the truth is, it's raw, vulnerable, and exposing. When you put down what you're not on paper, and you see it right in front of you, and I think to the people who look at me with a love that I can't quite imagine... I think I'm just ready to be that.
I don't know how well that me works, but, is it really about that? It can't be about what I think is effective, because what I thought was a effective this whole time, wasn't.
So I'm kind of left again with this rawness, vulnerability, but, faith.
If that makes sense.
My friend Eric told me, "When you get serious about your spiritual path, you're going to be alone for a while. It's almost a requirement."
At this point, I'm really committed to just having that me come out, and the truth is, it's raw, vulnerable, and exposing. When you put down what you're not on paper, and you see it right in front of you, and I think to the people who look at me with a love that I can't quite imagine... I think I'm just ready to be that.
I don't know how well that me works, but, is it really about that? It can't be about what I think is effective, because what I thought was a effective this whole time, wasn't.
So I'm kind of left again with this rawness, vulnerability, but, faith.
If that makes sense.
My friend Eric told me, "When you get serious about your spiritual path, you're going to be alone for a while. It's almost a requirement."
I believe that deep down within us there is an infinite source, an infinite voice of love. Realizing it's there is one thing. Learning to listen to it is another. But it is there.
There is a place within us where only love exists.
I get less concerned with who you are, who I think you are, who I am, who you think I am, the past, the future, everything.
I never knew it was that simple.
There is a place within us where only love exists.
I get less concerned with who you are, who I think you are, who I am, who you think I am, the past, the future, everything.
I never knew it was that simple.
So dating is like... this interview process to get to the point of figuring out who you're going to end up watching movies with on Friday/Saturday night.
Why not just watch movies on Friday/Saturday night and skip the interview?
Why not just watch movies on Friday/Saturday night and skip the interview?
