i honestly suck. i see no good in me. i know a lot of people hate reading about how others feel like shit but i have no other real way so i will here. i am back to working like three-four days a week again and have school. i seem to not make myself or others happy. i thought i was getting better. i thought i was beinging to see the light, but it always goes out when i am just one inch away. my body aches. i just dont feel right in the skin i am in. ah well, no one really cares so i will stop here. hope all is well with everyone.

ello all. miss you all. hope all is well. i start school tomorrow which is the 15th. i got my books and paid tution yesterday. i am taking french up agin and i looked through the books and realized i should just test out of it. i took three years in high school. its so extremly easy. the concert i went to with my best friend mike was so much fun! mike is the best i always have fun with him. 3 doors down is his favourite band so it was extra good. my brother is getting ready for iraq. learning riot partol, how to watch out for snipers, etc. he goes to iraq on the 7 of Feburary. i wish he didnt have to go things are getting a tad bad over there. Just sending good vibes over to my bro is all i can do. even though him and i got into this huge fight this weekend. nothing else to report right now. will update soon. luv you all.

Hello all. hope your new years was good. Mine was good. I went to a friend's house party. too bad i was the oldest one there and there was no booze at all! I got to see my best friend mike and it was so much fun. I got to see a lot of people from high school i havent seen in so long. So that was great. I got to have a few drinks when i got home. life is boring and i dont even get good hours at work. so i am pretty much at home all the time reading, listening to music, talking to people online and thats really it. getting ready for school to start on the 15. I went to lunch with my friend kim's mum today. the whole time i felt like i was being pumped for information on her kids. I kept my mouth shut since i am a trustworthy person and i am sure as hell not going to tell my friend's mother anything. cos that is not cool at all. i got a new pic in my pics part. i got the shirt from torrid and i love it so much. tomorrow i am going to the 3 doors down concert with my best friend mike. its his favourite band. so that will be awesome. he's never been to the rave (a local concert hall) so it will be fun to show him around. well thats all for now. miss you all and luv ya.

i know its been like forever since i added anything but just nothing to say. My brother is home and with friends right now. getting home for the hoildays was hell and stressful, fucking airlines. I am going with Lord of the Rings crazyness. I havent been able to see the return of the king and its driving me mad. School ended last monday and I am glad its over. I did okay. I am taking french, interactive design mulitmedia, flash and web authoring, and sci-fi and utopian studies next semester. I saw this film May and it was fucked up but worth seeing if you like an odd film and gore. I been down and then really down and wanting to die. I guess i am better. I went through a dark patch where nothing could help. My brother being home is nice he is open to getting into LOTR and seeing the films since he knows it is something I enjoy. He goes to Iraq in Feburay. My ankle brace comes off Tuesday. which is nice. I am sick of it. though my knee is bothering me now. I am dying my hair for the holidays. I am dying it a red colour to bring out my natural red high-lights. Life is pretty dull. No social life at all! i sit at home on my computer, watching films, listening to music, and reading. I got my brother a tom clancy book and a journal for his journey to iraq for christmas. I got my mum a nightmare before christmas bobble head of Jack. she loves it. my dad a baseball cap with his favourite nascar driver on it. I have like no money now. GIfts and such have totally wiped me clean. ah well. I just hope when i go to chruch (yuck) on christmas eve they dont try to baptize me again. They are like snipers those catholics. They want to confert everyone. It drives me nuts. I am only going to see my little cousin sing. GRR! well i hope everyone's holiday is wonderful. I just hope mine doesnt drive me nuts. luv you all.

My group is up! Thanks to zenhell for letting me know it was up. I am so excited!!!! Its a group for beatle fans. its a public group so all can join. things have been super stressful and my group being up actually makes me happy. Since stress is killing me and putting me down in the dumps. my web site for my final exams will be up soon. it is a site dedicated to a clockwork orange. which is my favourite film and book. my brother sent us gifts. i got a diamond ring, my mum got a diamond neckles, and my dad got a really nice watch. we have no clue why he got us this stuff but we are so greatful. he is a real sweetie. he graduates soon from infentry school. on the 12th. lord i have so much x-mas shopping to do. I got to get my best friend mike somethign specail. he has been my rock and the bestest firend ever. he is taking us to a 3 doors down and tantric concert and dinner for my christmas gift. 3 doors down is his favourite band and i didnt know this when i saw them and i promised next time they would come we would go. so here they come again with another one of his favourite bands and i told him and he said he would get tickets for us. though i wanted to get them i know he is bad at thinking of special gifts so he is getting them and i will get him something else. must be off. bye all i love ya. how are you guys? hope is well....

ever just burst into tears and wish you could say why but you cant? when your heart is about to expload and you cant find a way to stop the pain? i wish there was something i could do. I have no where to go but yet no home either. I sit in my room and just try to deal with the pain. I hate myself. and i know people around here will say how unattractive that is but i dont care. i am not or ever was attractive. This is how i feel and I need to let off some steam and vent. Lonliness is a bitch and i should be use to it. i will just shut up now and stop complaining. no one wants to hear it.

My brother is spending thanksgiving on an indian reservations since they kick them off the base for thanksgiving. My ankle is feeling better. The winter depression is starting. I feel like total shit and the cutting in my sleep hasnt stoped. I am so lonely too. I just have to get use to this life of solitude. I been trying to hide behind a smile but slowly the smile fades. ah well......complaining is never good so i shall stop. hope everyone is great and well. luv ya all

I still am kind of pissed i had to change my orignal name so a SG could have it. But she is very pretty and i guess she can have it. even though Rae had VERY specail meaning to me. I guess the more beautiful are more deserving anyway. life blows. I havent heard from my brother in a week and that sucks. I went christmas shopping and got my parents gifts even though they dont deserve it. I got some earrings for myself though. work has been okay. I been working in cosmetics latley. Which is a lot better then front register. The hot manager has been very nice to me and even giving me extra breaks so i can hang out with him. I hate waking up with red scratches on my wrists after a nightmare of me cutting.

sleet and rain and cold. got to love wisconsin in november. i am really sick today. and been a bit depressed. I threw up when my mum told me my brother will be going to Iraq. Sometime in the begining of 2004. I been trying to hide the tears but i cant. I dont want my little brother there. I know this is what he wants to do and he's wanted to be a marine since he was little but its hard now there is a war going on. A war I really dont know if i understand. I miss my best friend mike so much. we didnt talk for three weeks and now we started talking again and I honestly am so happy. I love that boy so much. he has been there for me through thick and thin for the last four years. He makes me feel so good about myself. We are two peas in a pod. its not like him or i will be more then best friends. I got an atari game for my computer with 12 games on it. its pretty cool. i still have the real games for our atari. i loved that system so much. My guts are killing me. I am never eatting at IHOP again. how is everyone? luv ya all.

more and more of my friends go gray. I dont like that one bit. I just been sitting here at home in my room listening to my paul mccartney cds. i am up to 1979 the back ot the egg album. last one from his band wings. only like four songs that are good on it. i havent listened to these cds in a row in so long. i almost forgot how much i love his music. I am such a dork but i dont care. I would be Mrs. McCartney any day. Well okay maybe not since he is married. he has a 26 year old son though......I AM A DORK! silly me. i will just sit here and giggle. though my tummy is starting to hurt. no clue why. it blows. oh i just want to say quickly that the following people are super awesome and i love them: edc, fenris23, paulsandman, warlocklord xbattletoadsX, stgeorge, mya, bluefreak, TarNish i may have left a few out but these are the wonderful people who been talking to me a lot lately. sweet people they are. bye for now.