Good news, everyone! I got into McGill University to do my PhD with full funding. So, it looks like I will be moving to Montreal nearing the end of the summer. I can't wait to learn some French and the cheaper housing. I love Montreal. It is a beautiful city, it's academics are first class, it's people are beautiful, and it's food is pretty spectacular. I look forward to the move, but I am also slightly nervous. There is so much I need to do before I leave!
I have been listening to this lately:
And I really dig James Quaintance's body art:
I have been listening to this lately:
And I really dig James Quaintance's body art:
Well fuck me, it's January, the new year. Things are crazy and busy, but I'm feeling good. Writing more, and my writing has greatly improved. I think reading about writing and style has helped immensely. I feel totally over my ex, and I kind of roll my eyes at how naive I was with her and how much shit I put up with. My thesis progresses like shit. At what point will I admit I have writers block on my thesis? I haven't written on my thesis in a while, and I've been telling everyone I have. It's a little embarrassing. I've been writing about everything else, except my thesis.
In other news, I am working on an article on sex work, to present at a conference in Las Vegas and I listen to a lot of music. Music is life, it nourishes my soul.
A show I absolutely love lately is Californication. I love stories about writers with totally fucked up problems, yet still remain honest, confident and sexy. That's all I really have to report. I am off to stare at a blank page. Later, I predict I will mentally beat myself up for not doing anything but watch old Californication episodes.
I've been listening to and enjoying this band:
The new episodes of Californication look fucking awesome with Marilyn Manson and Steve Jones (of Sex Pistols fame).
In other news, I am working on an article on sex work, to present at a conference in Las Vegas and I listen to a lot of music. Music is life, it nourishes my soul.
A show I absolutely love lately is Californication. I love stories about writers with totally fucked up problems, yet still remain honest, confident and sexy. That's all I really have to report. I am off to stare at a blank page. Later, I predict I will mentally beat myself up for not doing anything but watch old Californication episodes.
I've been listening to and enjoying this band:
The new episodes of Californication look fucking awesome with Marilyn Manson and Steve Jones (of Sex Pistols fame).
Things have been good lately, but extremely busy. I'm currently writing my thesis and it is an arduous process. I battle with my own self esteem, and feeling that I am not good enough. This feeling makes me lose motivation to write. But, at least I'm sitting down on the computer and writing some words and reading some items.
While writing my thesis, I have started to put packages together to apply for my PhD. I'm applying for Princeton and Berkeley. Both are on my top choices, but I sincerely doubt I will get in. Other than those two, I have heaps of schools to apply to, and I'm trying to remember the stuff I need to get done (including studying for my GRE every day). On top of that, I am writing a paper on neuroscience and love. Blah, I'm so busy.
Amidst the busyness, I feel so good about moving out and doing shit on my own. It's harder paying bills, and keeping track of things. I also find it difficult to manage my time, and fit enough hours in the day to write, and eat, but I will get a handle of it all eventually. I also find time in my day to appreciate some new art, some new music, and be inspired. These things are what makes my life pleasant. There is something about finding a new artist or song that sends chills down your spine.
This week I've been listening to this:
And I've been looking and admiring her stuff (I love the fact that she has a mouse beside her as she paints.Lora Zombie seems like such a neat and cute person. I'm happy she exists):
And now...I write some more.
While writing my thesis, I have started to put packages together to apply for my PhD. I'm applying for Princeton and Berkeley. Both are on my top choices, but I sincerely doubt I will get in. Other than those two, I have heaps of schools to apply to, and I'm trying to remember the stuff I need to get done (including studying for my GRE every day). On top of that, I am writing a paper on neuroscience and love. Blah, I'm so busy.
Amidst the busyness, I feel so good about moving out and doing shit on my own. It's harder paying bills, and keeping track of things. I also find it difficult to manage my time, and fit enough hours in the day to write, and eat, but I will get a handle of it all eventually. I also find time in my day to appreciate some new art, some new music, and be inspired. These things are what makes my life pleasant. There is something about finding a new artist or song that sends chills down your spine.
This week I've been listening to this:
And I've been looking and admiring her stuff (I love the fact that she has a mouse beside her as she paints.Lora Zombie seems like such a neat and cute person. I'm happy she exists):
And now...I write some more.
I probably shouldn't drink too much anymore. I had a few beers today, and I wasn't in a good head space. My week wasn't going the greatest. My garburator broke, so I had to call the landlord again and they had to clean up our apartment. It was so embarrassing. My neighbor came over that night to bring some soup by our apartment. I had thought she had brought a canister of the garburator liquid to teach me a lesson or something. So, initially I was trying to process everything, and made a disgusted look on my face towards the soup, thinking it was the garburator liquid. Then I figured it out and thanked her for her sweet gesture. Afterwards I felt so crummy about making the face, and I don't really know how to approach that whole situation without looking like a fool. I just resolved to personally return her Tupperware container and praise her soup endlessly. Sigh. So, anyways, I had a few beers today, and now I'm depressed, bored, unmotivated and lonely. I should monitor my alcohol intake, it isn't helping me stay motivated. Tomorrow, I'm going to start to get to work. I gotta stay exercising, I have to do work on my thesis, I have to do my SSHRC proposal, and prepare a lecture on love. Things are picking up and I need to start getting my shit together.
Well, it's Saturday. I figured I'd catch up on some things around the apartment before my body decides to get overly fatigued. My clothes are everywhere so firstly I need to hang some clothes up. Secondly make my bed. Thirdly read the articles I need to read for this graduate course on consciousness. And finally, I need to shower and clean my bathroom (actually this should be first). Life is going okay. I have so much I need to do still, but this are slowly coming together in completion. My power chair should be in next month, which I'm super excited about. I've been so self conscious about it, but then I came to the realization that if someone judges me for having to use one, think me less sexy, less cool because I use them, then those people are shallow assholes and I'd rather not hang out with them. I've been writing a bit on my thesis, or researching a bit for it anyways. It feels nice to get back in the groove.
The whole ex experience, I'm totally over. I talked about it with a few friends, and family and reached some conclusions about what upset me about the whole thing. I was obviously tired, but I was also angry at her for being so "okay" with not being friends. It's not that she would have been a great friend, but rather that she was once my best friend and I lost that. That was not okay with me and that's what made me angry. Anyways, the emotions about the whole thing are over and I hope she's doing well in her new life.
Other than that, things are busy but really good. I was just reflecting on what a positive thing therapy was for me. I think prior to therapy, something like the ex siting would have ruined my whole week, but now it lasted for a day or two.
Medically, things are stable, but I have a heart test to go to in October. It's a routine thing, because my condition will eventually effect my heart (so I'm told) and weaken it, so I need to monitor it. It's scary sometimes, and this time I'll be on my own in the doctors office, but it's something I need to confront and learn to deal with.
Anyways, lately I've been listening to this:
I've also been really digging Herakut's work. It's so good. Here's a vid, of them painting:
Another artist I really like lately is Nicole Florian, here's a pic of some of his work:
Till next time.
The whole ex experience, I'm totally over. I talked about it with a few friends, and family and reached some conclusions about what upset me about the whole thing. I was obviously tired, but I was also angry at her for being so "okay" with not being friends. It's not that she would have been a great friend, but rather that she was once my best friend and I lost that. That was not okay with me and that's what made me angry. Anyways, the emotions about the whole thing are over and I hope she's doing well in her new life.
Other than that, things are busy but really good. I was just reflecting on what a positive thing therapy was for me. I think prior to therapy, something like the ex siting would have ruined my whole week, but now it lasted for a day or two.
Medically, things are stable, but I have a heart test to go to in October. It's a routine thing, because my condition will eventually effect my heart (so I'm told) and weaken it, so I need to monitor it. It's scary sometimes, and this time I'll be on my own in the doctors office, but it's something I need to confront and learn to deal with.
Anyways, lately I've been listening to this:
I've also been really digging Herakut's work. It's so good. Here's a vid, of them painting:
Another artist I really like lately is Nicole Florian, here's a pic of some of his work:
Till next time.
Yesterday turned to shit. I was having a pretty good day and had woken up early to wait for my bus and go to my office. The morning was crisp, clear and beautiful, but I was running on no sleep and felt that today would be one of those days where I would slink around like a zombie. I got some work done on a sex and disability paper, and said hello to some old friends around the office. Later in the day, I had planned to take my mom out, for taking me to my doctors appointment in the afternoon. We were walking into the doctors office and out of the building came my ex smiling away as if she saw an old friend. My heart sank into my stomach and I clearly had to talk to her. I mumbled something about being tired and planning on doing my PHD in California. Then we said our goodbyes as I explained I didn't want to be late for my appointment. My insides were churning like butter and I felt like crying through my pitiful whispers as she stood there cool and collected, with not a care in the world and seemingly happy. My tiredness, and stress of the day compacted to create a rough and raw feeling. I was angry, for some reason, that she was so happy. I suppose because I had hopes that she and I would be friends. My own experience without her as a friend, or partner was utterly horrific. Here she was, on the top of the world, and I felt like shit. After thinking about it, I think I was perfectly sound in feeling the way I did. I valued her as a human being. It was I who looked at her for the unique human being that she was and accepted her, and valued her significantly. When a person values you and loves you as a true friend, or lover, they are not "OK" when the other decides to leave. When you value another as a friend you want them to be around, you enjoy their company, they are not replaceable and they are not easily discarded. So I felt horrible about this encounter for a reason, I was not "OK" with not being her friend, since I loved her. I felt angry because I felt that I was undervalued as a friend, easily discarded and replaceable to her. My ex was emotionally abusive, and I need to remind myself that I am better off without her, but I felt wretched at this encounter.
Today I woke up with a fresh mind that was churning and trying to process what had happened. My feelings were still there and I had some pretty horrific dreams that forced me awake early. One dream was of a ghost or demonic entity physically throwing me around or harassing me every time I tried to sleep. Gosh, my days this week could be better, but I'll get through. I always do.
Today I woke up with a fresh mind that was churning and trying to process what had happened. My feelings were still there and I had some pretty horrific dreams that forced me awake early. One dream was of a ghost or demonic entity physically throwing me around or harassing me every time I tried to sleep. Gosh, my days this week could be better, but I'll get through. I always do.
The move went fabulously and I'm all settled. The furniture I bought was totally cool too. I bought a sexy 100 year old red velvet couch, an antique rug, and an antique long coffee table that currently holds a huge set of books. My nerves have settled, but it got me thinking.
How is it that my sex crazed friend and I haven't done it yet? I mean, she tells me she's totally into sex, and thinks about it all the time. Her mom says that she found me very handsome, and she claims that she is very forward about asking for sex. I figured that if she wanted it, she would have asked me by now. The only thing is, she tells me how she makes out with her friends, she even has slept with most of them, but I guess I am different.
Maybe in her talking to me about sex, she drops hints every now and again. We laid in my bed together. She text-ed me drunk asking me what my favorite position is. Then she follows that up with her thoughts about how drunk texts really reveal something true that the person wouldn't express otherwise. Was she implying something here?
I met her family, and her and I talk explicitly about sex all the time. Finally, she told me about one friend of ours who just asked her outright if she would ever consider having sex with him. Then she told me about how she admires that from him, even if it is a bit socially strange. Was she secretly wanting me to ask her if she wanted to make love? Was she implying it? The problem is, we are both academics about sex and belong to certain academic groups dedicated to research about sex, so it's both of our intellectual passions. She's also moving tomorrow, but it's a bit of a blow to the ego that she never did ask me. I mean, I am used to being friends with women as opposed to a lover, and that's fine, but it's a little bit of a let down to know that she is so sexually active with everyone else she knows except me. I do enjoy her company. She is compassionate, understanding, intelligent, if not a bit emotional. My current thoughts on her are nothing but positive, I just wish there wasn't such a wall in front of me that prevents me from asserting myself in that way. I must say, I am getting better at it. I talk with people more, and carry conversations better than I once did.
I am trying to remain positive in all of this, but I'm not sure how I can break that psychological and social wall in front of me. Maybe booze will help to ease my tongue a bit. I will try that tomorrow is tomorrow is my sexual friend's going away dinner and celebration.
How is it that my sex crazed friend and I haven't done it yet? I mean, she tells me she's totally into sex, and thinks about it all the time. Her mom says that she found me very handsome, and she claims that she is very forward about asking for sex. I figured that if she wanted it, she would have asked me by now. The only thing is, she tells me how she makes out with her friends, she even has slept with most of them, but I guess I am different.
Maybe in her talking to me about sex, she drops hints every now and again. We laid in my bed together. She text-ed me drunk asking me what my favorite position is. Then she follows that up with her thoughts about how drunk texts really reveal something true that the person wouldn't express otherwise. Was she implying something here?
I met her family, and her and I talk explicitly about sex all the time. Finally, she told me about one friend of ours who just asked her outright if she would ever consider having sex with him. Then she told me about how she admires that from him, even if it is a bit socially strange. Was she secretly wanting me to ask her if she wanted to make love? Was she implying it? The problem is, we are both academics about sex and belong to certain academic groups dedicated to research about sex, so it's both of our intellectual passions. She's also moving tomorrow, but it's a bit of a blow to the ego that she never did ask me. I mean, I am used to being friends with women as opposed to a lover, and that's fine, but it's a little bit of a let down to know that she is so sexually active with everyone else she knows except me. I do enjoy her company. She is compassionate, understanding, intelligent, if not a bit emotional. My current thoughts on her are nothing but positive, I just wish there wasn't such a wall in front of me that prevents me from asserting myself in that way. I must say, I am getting better at it. I talk with people more, and carry conversations better than I once did.
I am trying to remain positive in all of this, but I'm not sure how I can break that psychological and social wall in front of me. Maybe booze will help to ease my tongue a bit. I will try that tomorrow is tomorrow is my sexual friend's going away dinner and celebration.
I just laid the security deposit down for my new apartment. I'm so terrified and excited. I have never moved out of my parent's place before and I have so much I need to figure out. I'm disabled, and the place is totally accessible, I can cook, clean and everything. The issue is, I can't drive, and I'm limited to paratransit which I have to book in advance. I've arranged for someone to do the shopping for me, so that's fine. I can take handi-bus to school, and work. I suppose I can get my roomie to take me to the bank every once in a while so I can get rent out, and money for the groceries. There is a million things racing through my mind right now, and I'm a little panicky. My brain is spinning all of the possible scenarios where I might need help, but quickly resolves them with solutions. I think I'm ready for this, but I feel sick to my stomach about possibly getting in trouble and not having a solution to resolve it.
At the same time this is really needed. I have never lived outside of home, I was in school up until last year so that I could save money to officially move out. I always relied on my parents for assistance, and now that is going to be gone. I'm disabled, so it's understandable that I stayed so long at home, but now it's really hitting home how much responsibility I'm going to have. Independence is something that is strongly needed to experience and learn what sort of things I will face in the big bad world. I no longer want to rely on my parents for assistance. Sure, they will be there if there's any real trouble, but it's going to be just me and the world now. I'm going to be all on my own. How liberating and how frightening.
At the same time this is really needed. I have never lived outside of home, I was in school up until last year so that I could save money to officially move out. I always relied on my parents for assistance, and now that is going to be gone. I'm disabled, so it's understandable that I stayed so long at home, but now it's really hitting home how much responsibility I'm going to have. Independence is something that is strongly needed to experience and learn what sort of things I will face in the big bad world. I no longer want to rely on my parents for assistance. Sure, they will be there if there's any real trouble, but it's going to be just me and the world now. I'm going to be all on my own. How liberating and how frightening.
I sit here after just coming back from a shitty movie, "Rock of Ages". It seems that watching movies is what I am doing mostly this summer. I worry about this. I am unmotivated lately. There are lists of things I want to do and accomplish this summer, but day in and day out I push them aside and spend my day playing video games, watching movies, and not stimulating my mind.
I can feel my mind screaming for attention. "Pick up a book!", it screams. But, I ignore it and pollute it. It wants ideas, but instead I feed it with mindless routine, things that comfort me, that I'm used to and that isolates me. Being alone is what I am used to. Away from the harsh world that stares, oppressively smiles and judges. As you can tell, my mood is morose.
I suppose it's not all bad. I have been invited to sit on a panel for a feminism conference on education and ablism. I am also on the hunt for an apartment, that I hope to be moved into by the end of summer. I need to be doing more work and research on my thesis. I also need to do more prep for my GRE. It feels like there is so much on my plate that I am bound to fail at something.
I suppose that is it. I am unmotivated because I feel afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail, because I am intensely critical of myself when I do. I suppose the solution is to promise myself to be kind to myself if I am met with failure. This way, if I do fail, I will be met with a voice of kindness rather than hatred. I guess I will start tomorrow. I will do my physio, wake early, get some cleaning done, and work. I have an academic journal article to prepare, and I hope to dedicate my days to myself, my mind, and other people rather than wasting my days away in my room with nothing to show for it and nothing to be proud of. Tomorrow. Isn't that what we tell ourselves? Tomorrow I will do it. Tomorrow is another day.
I can feel my mind screaming for attention. "Pick up a book!", it screams. But, I ignore it and pollute it. It wants ideas, but instead I feed it with mindless routine, things that comfort me, that I'm used to and that isolates me. Being alone is what I am used to. Away from the harsh world that stares, oppressively smiles and judges. As you can tell, my mood is morose.
I suppose it's not all bad. I have been invited to sit on a panel for a feminism conference on education and ablism. I am also on the hunt for an apartment, that I hope to be moved into by the end of summer. I need to be doing more work and research on my thesis. I also need to do more prep for my GRE. It feels like there is so much on my plate that I am bound to fail at something.
I suppose that is it. I am unmotivated because I feel afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail, because I am intensely critical of myself when I do. I suppose the solution is to promise myself to be kind to myself if I am met with failure. This way, if I do fail, I will be met with a voice of kindness rather than hatred. I guess I will start tomorrow. I will do my physio, wake early, get some cleaning done, and work. I have an academic journal article to prepare, and I hope to dedicate my days to myself, my mind, and other people rather than wasting my days away in my room with nothing to show for it and nothing to be proud of. Tomorrow. Isn't that what we tell ourselves? Tomorrow I will do it. Tomorrow is another day.
