Yesterday turned to shit. I was having a pretty good day and had woken up early to wait for my bus and go to my office. The morning was crisp, clear and beautiful, but I was running on no sleep and felt that today would be one of those days where I would slink around like a zombie. I got some work done on a sex and disability paper, and said hello to some old friends around the office. Later in the day, I had planned to take my mom out, for taking me to my doctors appointment in the afternoon. We were walking into the doctors office and out of the building came my ex smiling away as if she saw an old friend. My heart sank into my stomach and I clearly had to talk to her. I mumbled something about being tired and planning on doing my PHD in California. Then we said our goodbyes as I explained I didn't want to be late for my appointment. My insides were churning like butter and I felt like crying through my pitiful whispers as she stood there cool and collected, with not a care in the world and seemingly happy. My tiredness, and stress of the day compacted to create a rough and raw feeling. I was angry, for some reason, that she was so happy. I suppose because I had hopes that she and I would be friends. My own experience without her as a friend, or partner was utterly horrific. Here she was, on the top of the world, and I felt like shit. After thinking about it, I think I was perfectly sound in feeling the way I did. I valued her as a human being. It was I who looked at her for the unique human being that she was and accepted her, and valued her significantly. When a person values you and loves you as a true friend, or lover, they are not "OK" when the other decides to leave. When you value another as a friend you want them to be around, you enjoy their company, they are not replaceable and they are not easily discarded. So I felt horrible about this encounter for a reason, I was not "OK" with not being her friend, since I loved her. I felt angry because I felt that I was undervalued as a friend, easily discarded and replaceable to her. My ex was emotionally abusive, and I need to remind myself that I am better off without her, but I felt wretched at this encounter.
Today I woke up with a fresh mind that was churning and trying to process what had happened. My feelings were still there and I had some pretty horrific dreams that forced me awake early. One dream was of a ghost or demonic entity physically throwing me around or harassing me every time I tried to sleep. Gosh, my days this week could be better, but I'll get through. I always do.
Today I woke up with a fresh mind that was churning and trying to process what had happened. My feelings were still there and I had some pretty horrific dreams that forced me awake early. One dream was of a ghost or demonic entity physically throwing me around or harassing me every time I tried to sleep. Gosh, my days this week could be better, but I'll get through. I always do.
Also a thought: she might have seemed like she was calm and collected to you, but it might be an act. She might be really be miserable... in fact, I would guess that she probably is miserable in one way or another, since only a miserable person would be so awful and emotionally abusive to other people (you) intentionally.